Feeling down

[Guest guest]

Seems as though, these days, after I talk with my mom, I feel down. In the

period after my sister died, I called my mom every day to make sure she was

okay, because when I was there she was doing pretty bad. Then for awhile I

couldn't call because it made me all choked up; our shared loss. But I keep

calling. She doesn't ask how I am doing. It makes me feel lonely or something.

My sister's daughter is 13 going on 14. She is an independent somewhat sassy

girl, bright, very funny, but can be very obstinate. My sister sort of

conditioned her youngest two to be this way (the 19 year old is not sassy but is

very stubborn and negative and depressed). My brother (the golden boy) is

visiting. He complains about the youngest's behavior. My mom complains too.

She (Sage) refused a cookie she baked to my brother. (my sister would always

complain about my brother being the 'treasured one' and Sage has taken that on

too). My mom said something like: I'm going to tell her that if she uses my

electricity to make cookies, she has to share with everyone.

It was so not dealing with the real situation which is that my niece has just

lost her mom. I said this to my mom and mom says: well how long is this going

to last? (In a sarcastic kind of way, like it's some kind of lame excuse..no one

can act badly but her). Just a couple days ago my mom made a comment saying:

it's only been 60 days (since my sister died, and so no one should expect mom to

be over it). So for Sage, who lost her mom, the closest person to her in the

world, it is not okay to act out, but for my mom, it is always okay. My

sister's estranged husband is also an 'golden one'. Even though he had

abandoned his family and I believe contributed greatly to my sister's death.

But now that he is around taking care of things for my mom (shopping, but not

giving her money to pay taxes) he is just so awesome and wonderful.

I feel so much anger at all this. Weary of it. Friends tell me to let it go.

But I feel it is a loyalty to my sister to stay involved and loyalty to the kids

(love). I mean, it doesn't matter now I guess. But I get so pissed when

everyone is just going on like nothing happened, and this man is NOW taking care

of things.

I don't know, it's hard to express/explain.

My brother can be " nice " but he can easily flip out too. Especially when it

comes to defending my mom. So poor Sage, she has to be pretty strong to live in

this situation. (Fortunately her older sister is moving in soon to take care of

her).

I am tired of this kind of shit. I know she loves me, and she would take me in

too if I needed. That is why it is so hard to have a solid feeling. I feel

bad for those kids having to live around that while grieving their mom.

I wish I could take them in (not that they would necessarily want to move in

with me, I don't know, but I can't support them).

I guess what really sucks is that I am grieving and no one in my family (what is

left of it) mentions it, recognizes it. And when I complain to the few people

that know my situation they just sort of go: well they are fucked up people and

you have to just get on with your life. But, so many strings....

~patricia