Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 They don't need my permission. lives with Mother. When I said they live on SS, I mean on Mother's SS. lost her job several years ago, & couldn't find work in their little town. Now, if she goes back to work, Mother will have to go to a nursing home. It's a textbook co-dependency situation, but they'll never see that. One problem is that I told I'd help when she takes Mother home, meaning I'd go help get the house ready & things arranged to accomodate the hospital bed, etc; but I thought they'd wait until she's in better shape. I'll try to be nice when I call so I can live with myself after Mother dies. If the decision was mine, Mother would be in a nursing home here, where there's more choice & better care. Thanks, Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 It seems to me that the issue here is that if your mother goes to a nursing home, then will have to go to work instead of the other way around. If she isn't her caretaker, loses her meal ticket. Right? Hence the reason to bring her home as soon as possible. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 It seems to me that the issue here is that if your mother goes to a nursing home, then will have to go to work instead of the other way around. If she isn't her caretaker, loses her meal ticket. Right? Hence the reason to bring her home as soon as possible. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 It seems to me that the issue here is that if your mother goes to a nursing home, then will have to go to work instead of the other way around. If she isn't her caretaker, loses her meal ticket. Right? Hence the reason to bring her home as soon as possible. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 Christy, You got it! Of course, she's just delaying the work thing; because she'll have to go to work when Mother dies. Actually, as long as Mother was in rehab, Medicare paid the bill & they still had the SS. Oh, before took Mother home, she went to a food pantry & got some food. I guess she's really my sister, but sometimes I wonder. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 Christy, You got it! Of course, she's just delaying the work thing; because she'll have to go to work when Mother dies. Actually, as long as Mother was in rehab, Medicare paid the bill & they still had the SS. Oh, before took Mother home, she went to a food pantry & got some food. I guess she's really my sister, but sometimes I wonder. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 Christy, You got it! Of course, she's just delaying the work thing; because she'll have to go to work when Mother dies. Actually, as long as Mother was in rehab, Medicare paid the bill & they still had the SS. Oh, before took Mother home, she went to a food pantry & got some food. I guess she's really my sister, but sometimes I wonder. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 , I'm so glad you felt you could come to us and vent. It sounds like your sister is doing anything she can to get you to feel guilty and then will shove it in your face when don't dance to their tune. I think you should just quit feeling guilty about it...you have told your sister that you don't think she should bring your Mom home. She is trying to be the martyr...afterall, if she isn't getting good enough care at the hospital/nursing home, then she should just use her energies to make sure the staff knows when your Mom hasn't had a bath, isn't getting tended to, etc. Go take care of your daughter...I wish her all the luck in the world with her breast reduction tomorrow. She should feel like a new woman when she heals. Next thing is...take care of yourself. It's now your job to be as good a Mom as you can be...that is your first priority. Since your sister doesn't have anyone else to expend her energies on, let her take care of your Mom. YOu are in my prayers. Hugs, Jane > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. > Thanks for listening.. > P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2003 Report Share Posted July 16, 2003 , I'm so glad you felt you could come to us and vent. It sounds like your sister is doing anything she can to get you to feel guilty and then will shove it in your face when don't dance to their tune. I think you should just quit feeling guilty about it...you have told your sister that you don't think she should bring your Mom home. She is trying to be the martyr...afterall, if she isn't getting good enough care at the hospital/nursing home, then she should just use her energies to make sure the staff knows when your Mom hasn't had a bath, isn't getting tended to, etc. Go take care of your daughter...I wish her all the luck in the world with her breast reduction tomorrow. She should feel like a new woman when she heals. Next thing is...take care of yourself. It's now your job to be as good a Mom as you can be...that is your first priority. Since your sister doesn't have anyone else to expend her energies on, let her take care of your Mom. YOu are in my prayers. Hugs, Jane > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. > Thanks for listening.. > P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Also, if they live on Social Security, and don't have enough money for the medical expenses, your mom should be eligible for Medi-Cal (or whatever they call it in your state) to cover the cost of a home health aide, meds, etc. You shouldn't have to pay a dime-- unless you truly want to. But don't get trapped into feeling financially obligated. Hugs, Deb vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Also, if they live on Social Security, and don't have enough money for the medical expenses, your mom should be eligible for Medi-Cal (or whatever they call it in your state) to cover the cost of a home health aide, meds, etc. You shouldn't have to pay a dime-- unless you truly want to. But don't get trapped into feeling financially obligated. Hugs, Deb vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Also, if they live on Social Security, and don't have enough money for the medical expenses, your mom should be eligible for Medi-Cal (or whatever they call it in your state) to cover the cost of a home health aide, meds, etc. You shouldn't have to pay a dime-- unless you truly want to. But don't get trapped into feeling financially obligated. Hugs, Deb vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Oh, you may have hit the nail on the head, Christy. Again, , in this state, anyway, a family member is eligible to become the paid healthcare worker for someone who is disabled. If it works that way in your mom and sister's state, even if Christy's scenario IS the case, your sister MAY find that she can have a paying job out of caring for your mom at home. Deb Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Oh, you may have hit the nail on the head, Christy. Again, , in this state, anyway, a family member is eligible to become the paid healthcare worker for someone who is disabled. If it works that way in your mom and sister's state, even if Christy's scenario IS the case, your sister MAY find that she can have a paying job out of caring for your mom at home. Deb Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Jane, Thank you. I'm trying. Re: vent , I'm so glad you felt you could come to us and vent. It soundslike your sister is doing anything she can to get you to feel guiltyand then will shove it in your face when don't dance to their tune. Ithink you should just quit feeling guilty about it...you have toldyour sister that you don't think she should bring your Mom home. Sheis trying to be the martyr...afterall, if she isn't getting goodenough care at the hospital/nursing home, then she should just use herenergies to make sure the staff knows when your Mom hasn't had a bath,isn't getting tended to, etc. Go take care of your daughter...I wish her all the luck in the worldwith her breast reduction tomorrow. She should feel like a new womanwhen she heals. Next thing is...take care of yourself. It's now yourjob to be as good a Mom as you can be...that is your first priority.Since your sister doesn't have anyone else to expend her energies on,let her take care of your Mom.YOu are in my prayers.Hugs,Jane> I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make abad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me thatMother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wantedto let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best forher & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breastreduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help withgrandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that shedidn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care ofher at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bedwithout help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg,dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, hasto be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to takeher home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed whenI called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. Ireally can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I justcan't believe my sister can do something so stupid!> I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone tocall when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn'tapprove of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do,but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to helpwhen I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (onceshe couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing withher sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wantedto. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always havetheir hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they canget. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), onegrandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has neverseen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 yearsago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's justa carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I asmall child. > Thanks for listening..> P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Medicare will cover home health. Then they have to go through the process to get Medicaid - I'm not sure what that involves in TN. I'm doing what I am for my own peace of mind & in memory of my father. I'm a lot like he was, & I know he'd want me to see that Mother & are OK - but not at the expense of my needs & my health. Hugs, vent I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting "good enough" care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. Thanks for listening.. P.Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 I'll suggest check on that, but I think in TN family members can't be paid for giving care. If gets a sitter so she can have a break, we have to pay for it. TN is weird about their medical coverage. Re: vent , if SHE takes your mother (and her mother too remember!!) out of a perfectly good environment (hell I don't take a bath every single day.... come move me too!!!!) and thinks that SHE can take better care of her at her own home, let HER do it. It has nothing to do with you. Do you have to give permission for your mother to go live with her? If so, don't ive it. If not, it's HER decision and HER problem. You've told her that your opinion is that she'd be better off there so when the shit hits the fan (and it will) let HER deal with it. It's the same ad tough love with our children and sometimes we have to use it on our siblings and parents. Do it without shame and without guilt. You've already done what you thought was right and she has gone around you to do something different so it's now out of your hands. I'll say special prayers for you tonight. I know this is a hard thing to deal with but I know is supportive of your decisions and you CAN do this. Be strong!! Christy Please visit our website at:http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 , I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and grandmother. Your caring tones filter through the Internet so I think I have picked that message up loud and clear. LOL Let us know how you daughter's surgery went today. I'm sure she is going to feel soooooo much better. I have several friends who have had it done, including my SIL's mother who had it done at age 65-70...she said she wished she had had it done 40 years earlier because it helped her back immensely. Jane > > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a > bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that > Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted > to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 > hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her > & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for > her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast > reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with > grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she > didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of > her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed > without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, > dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has > to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. > She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take > her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when > I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I > really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just > can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to > call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't > approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, > but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help > when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once > she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with > her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted > to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have > their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can > get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one > grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never > seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years > ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just > a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a > small child. > > Thanks for listening.. > > P. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 , I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and grandmother. Your caring tones filter through the Internet so I think I have picked that message up loud and clear. LOL Let us know how you daughter's surgery went today. I'm sure she is going to feel soooooo much better. I have several friends who have had it done, including my SIL's mother who had it done at age 65-70...she said she wished she had had it done 40 years earlier because it helped her back immensely. Jane > > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a > bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that > Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted > to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 > hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her > & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for > her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast > reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with > grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she > didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of > her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed > without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, > dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has > to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. > She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take > her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when > I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I > really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just > can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to > call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't > approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, > but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help > when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once > she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with > her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted > to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have > their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can > get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one > grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never > seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years > ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just > a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a > small child. > > Thanks for listening.. > > P. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Hurray for your father instilling these ethics in you. Now don't forget it that you must not do anything at the expense of your needs and health. Hugs, Jane > Medicare will cover home health. Then they have to go through the process to get Medicaid - I'm not sure what that involves in TN. > I'm doing what I am for my own peace of mind & in memory of my father. I'm a lot like he was, & I know he'd want me to see that Mother & are OK - but not at the expense of my needs & my health. > Hugs, > > vent > > > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. > Thanks for listening.. > P. > > > Please visit our website at: > http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2003 Report Share Posted July 17, 2003 Hurray for your father instilling these ethics in you. Now don't forget it that you must not do anything at the expense of your needs and health. Hugs, Jane > Medicare will cover home health. Then they have to go through the process to get Medicaid - I'm not sure what that involves in TN. > I'm doing what I am for my own peace of mind & in memory of my father. I'm a lot like he was, & I know he'd want me to see that Mother & are OK - but not at the expense of my needs & my health. > Hugs, > > vent > > > I need to get this out of my system before I call my sister & make a bad situation worse. called me just after 6 AM to tell me that Mother isn't getting " good enough " care & wants to go home; she wanted to let me know before work & didn't know when I could come to them (5 hr drive). After stewing, crying, thinking for 2 hours, I called her & told her I think she's making a mistake but do whatever is best for her & Mother; I won't be there this weekend. (Amy has breast reduction surgery tomorrow & I told them I'd be available to help with grandkids.) Seems the final straw with Mother's care is that she didn't get a bath yesterday. says she can take better care of her at home. Now, Mother is still in diapers, can't turn over in bed without help (weighs about 150 lbs), no use of her right arm & leg, dizzy, nauseated, hasn't sat up without support since the stroke, has to be lifted in & out of bed when she goes for physical therapy. She'll have home health, which will help some. expects to take her home today or tomorrow - she was arranging for a hospital bed when I called during my lunch. They cannot afford to pay for help. I really can't afford it either, but I'll help as much as I can. I just can't believe my sister can do something so stupid! > I don't feel like part of their family anyway. I'm just someone to call when they need something. Mother doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me, hates animals. I feel guilty for feeling like I do, but she never has been there for me. She was rarely available to help when I've been sick; always too busy or too tired or too sick (once she couldn't help me because she was too tired from vacationing with her sister's family) even when she was able to do whatever she wanted to. Mother & live on Social Security & charity - always have their hand out & seem to think they're entitled to everything they can get. My mother behaves as if she has one child (), one grandchild (my son), one great-grandchild (his son). She has never seen Cate, who is now 15 months old. She hurt Amy so bad over 2 years ago that Amy only visits rarely out of a sense of duty. > If I say all this to , who knows how she'll react? She's just a carbon copy of Mother. And Mother is not the Mommy I had when I a small child. > Thanks for listening.. > P. > > > Please visit our website at: > http://ACES_Autoimmune.tripod.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2003 Report Share Posted July 19, 2003 talked with Home Health, ETHRA (their dept on aging?), & the doctor's office yesterday. The doc ordered a lift, but it will take a few days to get it. Medicare should cover it since the doc ordered it. The place she got the bed is really a pharmacy that does medical supplies too. They deliver prescriptions 3 days a week, so I think they would deliver diapers (if they have them - she didn't check there for diapers). ETHRA told her they get donations of diapers, wipes, etc. & Mother might qualify (if she likes them?). had to leave a voice message for respite care; was told it might take "a little while" for them to respond. I found diapers online & offered to order a case to be sent to , but she doesn't seem to want me to do that; wants to wait until she's tried diapers & finds some Mother likes. suggested I call the hospital there & find out what brand they use; I may just do that Mon. I think just wants me to know how hard things are there without me. says they've had handouts & "freebies" for so long, they prefer that to letting me buy diapers. I don't think will admit how much help she needs. She'll try to manage with just going out when I can be there, or maybe a sitter for a couple of hours a week. Mother is not terminal; if she were, would never admit it. When Mother does die, may very well follow her. Thanks for all the support. I'm really trying to help them. Hugs, Re: vent Have check into getting a Hoyer lift--the rental should be covered by Medicare--it will enable her to move your mother to a chair by herself. When they deliver it they will show her how to use it. They are very easy to work and I've seen less than 100 pound older women lift their very large, immobile hubbies with very little trouble. Also, she should be able to order the health care stuff (including the diapers) from a supply company --most likely the same one she got the hospital bed from--and they will deliver them. It requires a little pre-planning--they don't deliver in an hour or anything, but it's not a week either. Also some companies will ship the stuff in bulk once she finds ones that your mother likes. Believe me--after years as a home health nurse--it's doable, even by someone not in the best of health--it just takes organization. And by that I'm including having relief lined up if she needs to get out. There are alot of agencies that provide respite care. If they decide that your mother is terminal she may be able to get extensive support through a home hospice, paid for by her Medicare. This isn't just for cancer patients as many people thing--BUT you do have to sign a DNR and acknowledge that you're terminal. She'll work everything out, but it may take awhile. Patient's mostly DO get better care at home--as long as their families don't become neglectful and are willing to admit when they need help. Your Sister just needs to get her ducks in a row. (((hugs))) Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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