When NC creates problems for others

[Guest guest]

Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates problems

and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I should go

NC with my entire extended family, but really don't want to. I value

my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they are going

to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I have a baby

due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop interrogation

for the other family members. I am sure you know what I'm talking

about.

I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but hate to

cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

Thanks,

le

[Guest guest]

At 01:06 PM 01/30/2009 mom2adeline wrote:

>Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates

>problems and stress for the other relatives of nada?

What kind of relationships do they have with her? If they

haven't seen the light and set their own boundaries, there's not

a huge amount you can do to protect them. Depending on how they

feel about her and about you, you might be able to talk to them

about the situation and help them learn to stand up to her.

It isn't your job to fix other people's problems. You have to do

what is best for you and your baby. If other relatives choose to

have a relationship with your nada, then that's their choice,

not your responsibility. If that choice causes stress for them,

then they need to figure out how to deal with it. They need to

set their own boundaries with her and stick to them. Nothing you

do is going to prevent her from trying to interogate them about

you. They're the ones who have to put a stop to that. The only

thing you can really do to minimize the interogations is to

allow them to be able to truthfully say they don't know what she

wants to know.

In my opinion, if you want to minimize the stress on them, what

you should do is try to avoid choices that put them in the

middle. Assume that anything you tell them could get told to her

because asking them not to tell puts them in the middle. That

may mean not telling them things you'd really like to tell them

if they're not prepared to stand up to her.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

See the others when Nada is not there. I'd keepconact with the others as long as

they are not toxic.

 

Nerak

Subject: When NC creates problems for others

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, January 30, 2009, 6:06 PM

Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates problems

and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I should go

NC with my entire extended family, but really don't want to. I value

my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they are going

to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I have a baby

due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop interrogation

for the other family members. I am sure you know what I'm talking

about.

I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but hate to

cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

Thanks,

le

[Guest guest]

This is an affirmation I got from my therapist that helps me in situations like

this: " I have the courage to allow others to assume responsibility for

themselves " .

You do what you need to do for you. If they feel stress or caught in the

middle, then it is their responsibility to decide how they want to handle it.

It is not your fault. The stress is a consequence of your mother's toxic

behavior. We do not have to take care of everyone, or try to make it okay for

everybody. That was drilled into our heads by crazy nadas, but it is a LIE.

>

>

> Subject: When NC creates problems for

> others

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Friday, January 30, 2009, 6:06 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates

> problems

> and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I

> should go

> NC with my entire extended family, but really don't

> want to. I value

> my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they

> are going

> to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I

> have a baby

> due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop

> interrogation

> for the other family members. I am sure you know what

> I'm talking

> about.

>

> I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but

> hate to

> cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to this. I have one sibling, a brother, who lives closer than I

do to nada, and whom nada constantly tries to manipulate to get information

about myself or my three young children. If I won't answer her phonecalls,

and brother is at her home, she will try to get him to call from his cell

and then take the phone from him. Or if she knows that he has pictures or

information, she will bother him until she gets it out of him. She has run

him over his entire life, and he has IBS as a result of her antics.

After I let her know we were going NC, she called my brother withing

minutes, and then he called me asking why she was so upset. I told him not

to worry about it, that the kids and I were fine, and that I loved him. I

didn't let him talk to my kids though. I hated having to do that, I dearly

love my brother. But unless I know that he can be trusted to stand up to

her, there isn't much I can do besides refuse to discuss her with him, or

give him info that she might want. I do it to protect my kids as much as I

do to protect him.

I have had other relatives call me saying Nada is doing this or that, and

appearing to be on my 'side'. I have explained in general terms what is

going on, that we aren't speaking to her because of her behavior, with as

few details as possible and left it that. I'm trying to tread a find line

between keeping my family safe and forgetting about her completly.

> Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates problems

> and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I should go

> NC with my entire extended family, but really don't want to. I value

> my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they are going

> to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I have a baby

> due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop interrogation

> for the other family members. I am sure you know what I'm talking

> about.

>

> I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but hate to

> cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

>

>

--

[Guest guest]

Hi le

I am so glad you brought this up because I have been struggling with

this myself a lot. I talked a lot with my brother and he drove 1.5

hours one way to go to family therapy with my parents and me when I

first went NC. He was so supportive and we reconnected but he

decided to continue with limited but regular contact with nada and I

went NC. Over time, nada was able to start pulling things out of him

about me. As much as I hate that she snagged him back into her

clutches, my own health and my family's well being over-rode my

relationship with my brother. I was devastated by the loss of his

friendship but I have to just move forward and accept that he made

that decision about our relationship.

I have struggled with how far to take telling my brother not to

discuss things with nada. I think I made it pretty clear to my

brother that it became a weapon for nada everytime he told nada

information about us. Even bro's wife was blown away when he told

nada 2 different times that we spent a weekend with my brother's

family - for no reason other than she needed to know and drug it out

of him.

Babies are hard. It's such a joyous occasion that you want to share

it with your family. Try to figure out what will make you and your

growing family happy first and foremost.

I don't know if this is the best way to handle my NC but I have

allowed myself a couple of visits with my FOO when I really want to

experience my extended family (the kids love their cousins). It

usually results in having to reset boundaries afterward with nada but

I just anticipate that. If she doesn't behave well - I give her a

long " grounding " from seeing us.

Karin

>

> Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates problems

> and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I should go

> NC with my entire extended family, but really don't want to. I

value

> my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they are going

> to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I have a

baby

> due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop interrogation

> for the other family members. I am sure you know what I'm talking

> about.

>

> I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but hate to

> cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

>

> Thanks,

> le

>

[Guest guest]

You can acknowledge to them that this is stressful for them. Then let

them find their own ways of handling things.

Look up TRIANGULATION on the net--it's what happens when a dispute

between two people gets joined by a third (that's the best definition

I can give right now). This third gets in the middle and it becomes a

major drama and it will potentially harm your relationship with the

third.

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder

(Available at www.BPDCentral.com for 20% off. Your purchase supports

this free community!)

>

> Any suggestions for how to handle it when being NC creates problems

> and stress for the other relatives of nada? I feel like I should go

> NC with my entire extended family, but really don't want to. I

value

> my relationship with my brother and cousins, but know they are going

> to experience lots of stress because of my boundaries. I have a

baby

> due in June and when nada finds out, it will non-stop interrogation

> for the other family members. I am sure you know what I'm talking

> about.

>

> I am very happy being NC with nada and dishrag father, but hate to

> cause others stress who won't stand up to them.

>

> Thanks,

> le

>