a few more things about me

[Guest guest]

I wanted to respond a bit more without that one email getting really

long!

I also have PTSD mostly from growing up in my family. There was a lot

of weirdness and violence. Rather than respecting the differences

that each child had, we were teased about them. So I got teased about

being sensitive emotionally and sensitive to touch... my dad would

touch me just to make me scream at him (at least that's how I

responded) and then he'd spank me. Duh. My mom used a lot of

belittling. Actually she still does, and also she still tries to

micromanage me since she has always wanted a " normal " daughter

instead of the one she has. Actually, she wants a supermodel. Sorry,

mom. I walk funny (which she used to tease me about) and I am shy and

have a big overbite and am not supermodel material. She once sent me

to kiddie modeling school in order to correct my weird walk... I had

to walk down a runway! The only thing I was hoping was that I

wouldn't fall off the freaking runway. PLUS, I still remember this,

the dress I was wearing was SCRATCHY. Nope, not supermodel material...

I also have in the past diagnosed myself as having BPD (borderline

personality disorder) but now am not sure about that. I do know that

once I started (re-learned apparently) doing some " stimming " like

wiggling my foot or taking breaks in the rocking chair, I have very

few feelings of extreme " anger " (frustration?) and few meltdowns, and

also .... which I have not mentioned to the group until this email,

I had 2 years of almost constant suicidal ideation, from 2004 until I

guess July 5 or so this year, which, since I started heading for the

rocking chair or rocking/stimming of some sort, has disappeared

almost 100%. Wich makes me think there is something to being autistic

and needing to do some sort of repetitive motion, since it has made

that much of a dramatic difference.

I really question the ABA stuff that tries to teach kids to not do

repetitive motions because right now I am wondering if that gives

them no outlet to let off steam or integrate

emotions/frustrations/sensory process, or SOMETHING.

Most of what I would do with " suicidal ideation " would be to get up

in the morning and almost immediately wish I was dead. Once I started

stimming it was a lot less, so one morning I woke up and did think " I

wish I was dead. " So I said to myself, " Wait a minute! Start

stimming! This sucks! " I was so used to it but even a few days NOT

thinking it, I didn't want to start up again. So I lay in bed and

wiggled my feet and legs a lot and then I just sort of forgot about

the wishing I was dead part. I still didn't want to get up, but

that's because I'm not a morning person!

Rhonda