Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 It is the most hilarious discussion in the recent days thank u for making me laugh and having a gr8 day. take care hope u all will recover soon from the hisss-teria. ciao aasawari 91 Shah wrote: HISS-TERIA (A true story- happened today at 7 am) " I am not coming to your sister's husband's aunt's birthday party. And that is final. " " Snake! " said my wife. I was terribly miffed. I said, " Look. I have been called at various times dog, pig, and ass with doubtful justification, if any. However, all of them at least have limbs. How can you condemn me to such low slithering levels? " " S-s-s-s-snake! " Insisted my wife coming out of the bathroom, where she was brushing her teeth. " This is totally unfair. I mean, what reptilian transgression did I perform, except for refusing to attend your sister's husband's uncle's birthday party? " " There's a snake in the bathroom! And it is aunt and not uncle. " I nearly moulted out of my skin. " How do you know it is a female? All these years as a Gynaecologist and sometimes I cannot recognize the sex of even my patients. And you can tell whether the snake is an aunt or uncle? " " I didn't do it! " shouted my son, Yash. Whenever my wife shouts something, that is my son's first reaction. " Idiot! There is a snake in the bathroom! " my wife clarified to both of us idiots. " No! Dad is outside, reading the newspaper. " " Don't be a wise ass. " " How can an ass be wise? " " There you go again. There is really a snake in the bathroom. " " Mom always makes mountains out of mole hills, or in this case, snakes out of earthworms! " I ventured into the bathroom. " Where is it? I can't see a thing. " " Don't go in!!!! " my wife screeched. " Then how can I see it? Like Yash said, its probably an earthworm who has done an Adnan Sami. " " It's there in the window corner. Don't go near. " Meanwhile my son sauntered by. " Is it poisonous or non-poisonous? " " Let me first see it. " I said. " Ah! Oh yes! There it is coiled up. " My son started his knowledge series, " If the bite marks are two parallel cuts, the snake is poisonous. If there are continuous teeth marks, it is not poisonous. " " You mean I have to get bitten to see if it is poisonous? " I asked sarcastically. " Then a better test would be that if I survive, it was not poisonous. And if I die, it will be conclusive proof.... " My wife looked derisively at me and said, " Most of the snakes in India are not venomous, so I can't get so lucky! " All three of us craned our heads to see the creature. It was a white-banded 1 or 2 feet long black snake. My son looked carefully and declared, " Its probably more frightened of us than we are of it. " " Yeah! No wonder it has come into the bathroom. However, if I get any more frightened, I won't know where to go. " I remarked. My son was still inspecting the creature, " I think it is a krait. Look at the flat head and bands. " " Yeah! We have men with bands, wedding bands, and naturally their heads are flat. " My wife was getting agitated, " Are we going to just sit wise cracking here or are we going to do something? " " The key word being 'we'? " " There is no need to be sarcastic. Start doing something. " Well, of course, when the high command wants you to act, even a dithering, directionless and spineless prime minister has to act. I considered the various options. The best was to close the bathroom door and let the snake do what it came to do in our bathroom, and let it run out of steam, or whatever it is that snakes run out of. The high command rejected this idea as outrageous. Females never like the idea of letting anyone do what they want to do. The other option, which I rejected outright, was that I do something. My wife was getting more and more agitated. " Do something, quickly. " " Use the neighbour's bathroom. " I suggested helpfully. If looks could kill, my photo would have appeared in tomorrow's newspaper. I pondered over the dilemma. " Snakes aren't slimy. They are dry to touch. " my son added helpfully. " Don't touch it! " my wife shouted, as if I was really going to touch the snake and advice it to use a moisturizer for its dry skin. Meanwhile, all that commotion had attracted our neighbouring Radhabai. " Kay zhala. Aga bai, Saap. " Then she told all of us to stay as we were and not move. She hurried to her house. My wife turned to me and said, " Look, how efficient Radhabai is. She has gone to get a trap or something for the snake. Otherwise look at you. " Radhabai returned post haste with a small saucer. She had milk in the saucer. She asked me, " Do you think we should add sugar to the milk? " I banged my forehead with my palm, " Radhabai, you think the snake may be dieting? We are trying to drive away the snake and not rear it. And anyway, I don't think snakes drink milk, sugared or otherwise. Snakes eat rats and eggs. " This stumped Radhabai. She, being a vegetarian, could not get eggs for the snake. While she was wondering how to trap rats for this Nag devta, my wife was wondering why her Pati Devta was not doing anything. My son had a brain wave. " Why don't we call Sagar uncle over to catch the snake? " Sagar always keeps boasting about his various wild life activities. He claims to have caught dozens (if not hundreds) of snakes barehanded. My son hastened to phone him up, but returned crest fallen in a minute. " Sagar uncle says that the snake seems poisonous and it is better to call a specialist. " " I thought he called himself a snake specialist! At least now we can stop his boasting at the first stage itself. " I remarked. Our other neighbour, Mr. Patel, came over. He peered through his thick specs and said, " Thank God I did not have breakfast. What is this in celebration of? " I was perplexed. " What are you talking about? " " You must be celebrating something. Why will you have a breakfast party suddenly? " " Breakfast party! " my wife screamed. " What are you blabbering about? " Patel was also confused, " They told me that you are giving tea and 'snakes' " " Oh! You mean snacks! No Mr. Patel. We have a snake, as in reptile. If you want it, please help yourself. It's on the house, or rather in the bathroom! " My sarcasm was lost on the hapless Mr. Patel. My wife, meanwhile, was getting more and more agitated. " It's been 30 minutes, and you haven't done a single thing. " " Yes, " I agreed, " but then even the snake has done nothing, except curling up in the corner. That sort of balances things up. " " Go call somebody. " My son said, " Dad, call the fire brigade! " I gave him a withering look. " Except on the kitchen stove, below the burning toast, I cannot see a fire in our house. " " Oh my God! I forgot the toast! You can't even remind me to close the stove. " My wife always blames me for everything from burning toasts to Kashmir bombings. " Dad, we always see firemen rescuing cats in foreign countries. " " First of all, this is not a foreign country, and secondly this is not a cat. This is a Krait! " " At least try what the boy suggests. He has more sense than you. " My wife had returned after dousing the fire. I tentatively picked up the phone, fully expecting to be rebuffed. " Hello! Fire Brigade? Please stop me if this is a wrong question. I mean to say, I know that the name of your department is Fire Brigade, and I know how silly this sounds. Please forgive me if I am not correct. " " Calm down, sir, and tell us your problem. " " Er... we were having tea and snacks, and then there was this snake. " " You mean snack. " " No, I mean snake. Saap. It is lying in our bathroom. " " We'll be there ASAP. Please tell us your address. " I gave my wife the good news. " They take care of snakes too, besides fires! " My son gave me 'I told you so' look. It took the fire brigade exactly 7 minutes to reach our house. There was a sound of the emergency bell of the fire engine and 20 smartly dressed firemen jumped out wearing gumboots and armed with sticks. I escorted them to my house. Now I know how Telgi must have felt when he was arrested. My wife nudged me and whispered, " Twenty firemen? For one snake? " What was I supposed to say? Bahut be-in-'saapi' hai? The head fire boss took a careful survey of the snake's position. Then he quickly grabbed the wooden brush we keep in the bathroom and using that he trapped the snake's head, grabbed it in his right hand and then carried the wriggling creature away. The rest of the 19 firemen then took out various diaries and papers and took my sign on 5 or 6 forms. After all the commotion had died down, I sat down at our breakfast table and said, " Okay! Now lets have the tea and 'snakes'. " My wife glared at me and suddenly remembered, " Photos! Why didn't you take photos? " I cowered and muttered, " In all that excitement, ..... " My wife nearly conked me with the wooden brush of the bathroom. That brush is now kept in our hall and forms a special conversation piece. In the absence of photos, it is the only evidence of excitement in our mundane existence on this earth. Kishore Shah 1974 ------------------------------ Website: www.mgims.org ------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 kishore Sir that was EXCELLENT... all we can say is that " yeh group maange more...!!! " keep such wonderful writeups coming...!!! I am going to forward this very funny article to my friends.... Ameet 1993 > > HISS-TERIA > (A true story- happened today at 7 am) > > " I am not coming to your sister's husband's aunt's birthday party. And > that > is final. " > > " Snake! " said my wife. > > I was terribly miffed. I said, " Look. I have been called at various times > dog, pig, and ass with doubtful justification, if any. However, all of > them > at least have limbs. How can you condemn me to such low slithering > levels? " > > " S-s-s-s-snake! " Insisted my wife coming out of the bathroom, where she > was > brushing her teeth. > > " This is totally unfair. I mean, what reptilian transgression did I > perform, > except for refusing to attend your sister's husband's uncle's birthday > party? " > > " There's a snake in the bathroom! And it is aunt and not uncle. " > > I nearly moulted out of my skin. " How do you know it is a female? All > these > years as a Gynaecologist and sometimes I cannot recognize the sex of even > my > patients. And you can tell whether the snake is an aunt or uncle? " > > " I didn't do it! " shouted my son, Yash. Whenever my wife shouts something, > that is my son's first reaction. > > " Idiot! There is a snake in the bathroom! " my wife clarified to both of us > idiots. > > " No! Dad is outside, reading the newspaper. " > > " Don't be a wise ass. " > > " How can an ass be wise? " > > " There you go again. There is really a snake in the bathroom. " > > " Mom always makes mountains out of mole hills, or in this case, snakes out > of earthworms! " > > I ventured into the bathroom. " Where is it? I can't see a thing. " > > " Don't go in!!!! " my wife screeched. > > " Then how can I see it? Like Yash said, its probably an earthworm who has > done an Adnan Sami. " > > " It's there in the window corner. Don't go near. " > > Meanwhile my son sauntered by. " Is it poisonous or non-poisonous? " > > " Let me first see it. " I said. " Ah! Oh yes! There it is coiled up. " > > My son started his knowledge series, " If the bite marks are two parallel > cuts, the snake is poisonous. If there are continuous teeth marks, it is > not > poisonous. " > > " You mean I have to get bitten to see if it is poisonous? " I asked > sarcastically. " Then a better test would be that if I survive, it was not > poisonous. And if I die, it will be conclusive proof.... " > > My wife looked derisively at me and said, " Most of the snakes in India are > not venomous, so I can't get so lucky! " > > All three of us craned our heads to see the creature. It was a > white-banded > 1 or 2 feet long black snake. > > My son looked carefully and declared, " Its probably more frightened of us > than we are of it. " > > " Yeah! No wonder it has come into the bathroom. However, if I get any more > frightened, I won't know where to go. " I remarked. > > My son was still inspecting the creature, " I think it is a krait. Look at > the flat head and bands. " > > " Yeah! We have men with bands, wedding bands, and naturally their heads > are > flat. " > > My wife was getting agitated, " Are we going to just sit wise cracking here > or are we going to do something? " > > " The key word being 'we'? " > > " There is no need to be sarcastic. Start doing something. " > > Well, of course, when the high command wants you to act, even a dithering, > directionless and spineless prime minister has to act. I considered the > various options. The best was to close the bathroom door and let the snake > do what it came to do in our bathroom, and let it run out of steam, or > whatever it is that snakes run out of. The high command rejected this idea > as outrageous. Females never like the idea of letting anyone do what they > want to do. > > The other option, which I rejected outright, was that I do something. My > wife was getting more and more agitated. " Do something, quickly. " > > " Use the neighbour's bathroom. " I suggested helpfully. > > If looks could kill, my photo would have appeared in tomorrow's newspaper. > I > pondered over the dilemma. > > " Snakes aren't slimy. They are dry to touch. " my son added helpfully. > > " Don't touch it! " my wife shouted, as if I was really going to touch the > snake and advice it to use a moisturizer for its dry skin. > > Meanwhile, all that commotion had attracted our neighbouring Radhabai. > " Kay > zhala. Aga bai, Saap. " Then she told all of us to stay as we were and not > move. She hurried to her house. My wife turned to me and said, " Look, how > efficient Radhabai is. She has gone to get a trap or something for the > snake. Otherwise look at you. " > > Radhabai returned post haste with a small saucer. She had milk in the > saucer. She asked me, " Do you think we should add sugar to the milk? " > > I banged my forehead with my palm, " Radhabai, you think the snake may be > dieting? We are trying to drive away the snake and not rear it. And > anyway, > I don't think snakes drink milk, sugared or otherwise. Snakes eat rats and > eggs. " > > This stumped Radhabai. She, being a vegetarian, could not get eggs for the > snake. While she was wondering how to trap rats for this Nag devta, my > wife > was wondering why her Pati Devta was not doing anything. > > My son had a brain wave. " Why don't we call Sagar uncle over to catch the > snake? " Sagar always keeps boasting about his various wild life > activities. > He claims to have caught dozens (if not hundreds) of snakes barehanded. My > son hastened to phone him up, but returned crest fallen in a minute. > " Sagar > uncle says that the snake seems poisonous and it is better to call a > specialist. " > > " I thought he called himself a snake specialist! At least now we can stop > his boasting at the first stage itself. " I remarked. > > Our other neighbour, Mr. Patel, came over. He peered through his thick > specs > and said, " Thank God I did not have breakfast. What is this in celebration > of? " > > I was perplexed. " What are you talking about? " > > " You must be celebrating something. Why will you have a breakfast party > suddenly? " > > " Breakfast party! " my wife screamed. " What are you blabbering about? " > > Patel was also confused, " They told me that you are giving tea and > 'snakes' " > > " Oh! You mean snacks! No Mr. Patel. We have a snake, as in reptile. If you > want it, please help yourself. It's on the house, or rather in the > bathroom! " My sarcasm was lost on the hapless Mr. Patel. > > My wife, meanwhile, was getting more and more agitated. " It's been 30 > minutes, and you haven't done a single thing. " > > " Yes, " I agreed, " but then even the snake has done nothing, except curling > up in the corner. That sort of balances things up. " > > " Go call somebody. " > > My son said, " Dad, call the fire brigade! " > > I gave him a withering look. " Except on the kitchen stove, below the > burning > toast, I cannot see a fire in our house. " > > " Oh my God! I forgot the toast! You can't even remind me to close the > stove. " My wife always blames me for everything from burning toasts to > Kashmir bombings. > > " Dad, we always see firemen rescuing cats in foreign countries. " > > " First of all, this is not a foreign country, and secondly this is not a > cat. This is a Krait! " > > " At least try what the boy suggests. He has more sense than you. " My wife > had returned after dousing the fire. I tentatively picked up the phone, > fully expecting to be rebuffed. " Hello! Fire Brigade? Please stop me if > this > is a wrong question. I mean to say, I know that the name of your > department > is Fire Brigade, and I know how silly this sounds. Please forgive me if I > am > not correct. " > > " Calm down, sir, and tell us your problem. " > > " Er... we were having tea and snacks, and then there was this snake. " > > " You mean snack. " > > " No, I mean snake. Saap. It is lying in our bathroom. " > > " We'll be there ASAP. Please tell us your address. " > > I gave my wife the good news. " They take care of snakes too, besides > fires! " > My son gave me 'I told you so' look. > > It took the fire brigade exactly 7 minutes to reach our house. There was a > sound of the emergency bell of the fire engine and 20 smartly dressed > firemen jumped out wearing gumboots and armed with sticks. I escorted them > to my house. Now I know how Telgi must have felt when he was arrested. > > My wife nudged me and whispered, " Twenty firemen? For one snake? " > > What was I supposed to say? Bahut be-in-'saapi' hai? > > The head fire boss took a careful survey of the snake's position. Then he > quickly grabbed the wooden brush we keep in the bathroom and using that he > trapped the snake's head, grabbed it in his right hand and then carried > the > wriggling creature away. The rest of the 19 firemen then took out various > diaries and papers and took my sign on 5 or 6 forms. > > After all the commotion had died down, I sat down at our breakfast table > and > said, " Okay! Now lets have the tea and 'snakes'. " > > My wife glared at me and suddenly remembered, " Photos! Why didn't you take > photos? " > > I cowered and muttered, " In all that excitement, ..... " > > My wife nearly conked me with the wooden brush of the bathroom. That brush > is now kept in our hall and forms a special conversation piece. In the > absence of photos, it is the only evidence of excitement in our mundane > existence on this earth. > > Kishore Shah 1974 > > > > ------------------------------ > Website: www.mgims.org > ------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 What a 'krait' story! Superb! Anshu HISS-TERIA HISS-TERIA (A true story- happened today at 7 am) " I am not coming to your sister's husband's aunt's birthday party. And that is final. " " Snake! " said my wife. I was terribly miffed. I said, " Look. I have been called at various times dog, pig, and ass with doubtful justification, if any. However, all of them at least have limbs. How can you condemn me to such low slithering levels? " " S-s-s-s-snake! " Insisted my wife coming out of the bathroom, where she was brushing her teeth. " This is totally unfair. I mean, what reptilian transgression did I perform, except for refusing to attend your sister's husband's uncle's birthday party? " " There's a snake in the bathroom! And it is aunt and not uncle. " I nearly moulted out of my skin. " How do you know it is a female? All these years as a Gynaecologist and sometimes I cannot recognize the sex of even my patients. And you can tell whether the snake is an aunt or uncle? " " I didn't do it! " shouted my son, Yash. Whenever my wife shouts something, that is my son's first reaction. " Idiot! There is a snake in the bathroom! " my wife clarified to both of us idiots. " No! Dad is outside, reading the newspaper. " " Don't be a wise ass. " " How can an ass be wise? " " There you go again. There is really a snake in the bathroom. " " Mom always makes mountains out of mole hills, or in this case, snakes out of earthworms! " I ventured into the bathroom. " Where is it? I can't see a thing. " " Don't go in!!!! " my wife screeched. " Then how can I see it? Like Yash said, its probably an earthworm who has done an Adnan Sami. " " It's there in the window corner. Don't go near. " Meanwhile my son sauntered by. " Is it poisonous or non-poisonous? " " Let me first see it. " I said. " Ah! Oh yes! There it is coiled up. " My son started his knowledge series, " If the bite marks are two parallel cuts, the snake is poisonous. If there are continuous teeth marks, it is not poisonous. " " You mean I have to get bitten to see if it is poisonous? " I asked sarcastically. " Then a better test would be that if I survive, it was not poisonous. And if I die, it will be conclusive proof.... " My wife looked derisively at me and said, " Most of the snakes in India are not venomous, so I can't get so lucky! " All three of us craned our heads to see the creature. It was a white-banded 1 or 2 feet long black snake. My son looked carefully and declared, " Its probably more frightened of us than we are of it. " " Yeah! No wonder it has come into the bathroom. However, if I get any more frightened, I won't know where to go. " I remarked. My son was still inspecting the creature, " I think it is a krait. Look at the flat head and bands. " " Yeah! We have men with bands, wedding bands, and naturally their heads are flat. " My wife was getting agitated, " Are we going to just sit wise cracking here or are we going to do something? " " The key word being 'we'? " " There is no need to be sarcastic. Start doing something. " Well, of course, when the high command wants you to act, even a dithering, directionless and spineless prime minister has to act. I considered the various options. The best was to close the bathroom door and let the snake do what it came to do in our bathroom, and let it run out of steam, or whatever it is that snakes run out of. The high command rejected this idea as outrageous. Females never like the idea of letting anyone do what they want to do. The other option, which I rejected outright, was that I do something. My wife was getting more and more agitated. " Do something, quickly. " " Use the neighbour's bathroom. " I suggested helpfully. If looks could kill, my photo would have appeared in tomorrow's newspaper. I pondered over the dilemma. " Snakes aren't slimy. They are dry to touch. " my son added helpfully. " Don't touch it! " my wife shouted, as if I was really going to touch the snake and advice it to use a moisturizer for its dry skin. Meanwhile, all that commotion had attracted our neighbouring Radhabai. " Kay zhala. Aga bai, Saap. " Then she told all of us to stay as we were and not move. She hurried to her house. My wife turned to me and said, " Look, how efficient Radhabai is. She has gone to get a trap or something for the snake. Otherwise look at you. " Radhabai returned post haste with a small saucer. She had milk in the saucer. She asked me, " Do you think we should add sugar to the milk? " I banged my forehead with my palm, " Radhabai, you think the snake may be dieting? We are trying to drive away the snake and not rear it. And anyway, I don't think snakes drink milk, sugared or otherwise. Snakes eat rats and eggs. " This stumped Radhabai. She, being a vegetarian, could not get eggs for the snake. While she was wondering how to trap rats for this Nag devta, my wife was wondering why her Pati Devta was not doing anything. My son had a brain wave. " Why don't we call Sagar uncle over to catch the snake? " Sagar always keeps boasting about his various wild life activities. He claims to have caught dozens (if not hundreds) of snakes barehanded. My son hastened to phone him up, but returned crest fallen in a minute. " Sagar uncle says that the snake seems poisonous and it is better to call a specialist. " " I thought he called himself a snake specialist! At least now we can stop his boasting at the first stage itself. " I remarked. Our other neighbour, Mr. Patel, came over. He peered through his thick specs and said, " Thank God I did not have breakfast. What is this in celebration of? " I was perplexed. " What are you talking about? " " You must be celebrating something. Why will you have a breakfast party suddenly? " " Breakfast party! " my wife screamed. " What are you blabbering about? " Patel was also confused, " They told me that you are giving tea and 'snakes' " " Oh! You mean snacks! No Mr. Patel. We have a snake, as in reptile. If you want it, please help yourself. It's on the house, or rather in the bathroom! " My sarcasm was lost on the hapless Mr. Patel. My wife, meanwhile, was getting more and more agitated. " It's been 30 minutes, and you haven't done a single thing. " " Yes, " I agreed, " but then even the snake has done nothing, except curling up in the corner. That sort of balances things up. " " Go call somebody. " My son said, " Dad, call the fire brigade! " I gave him a withering look. " Except on the kitchen stove, below the burning toast, I cannot see a fire in our house. " " Oh my God! I forgot the toast! You can't even remind me to close the stove. " My wife always blames me for everything from burning toasts to Kashmir bombings. " Dad, we always see firemen rescuing cats in foreign countries. " " First of all, this is not a foreign country, and secondly this is not a cat. This is a Krait! " " At least try what the boy suggests. He has more sense than you. " My wife had returned after dousing the fire. I tentatively picked up the phone, fully expecting to be rebuffed. " Hello! Fire Brigade? Please stop me if this is a wrong question. I mean to say, I know that the name of your department is Fire Brigade, and I know how silly this sounds. Please forgive me if I am not correct. " " Calm down, sir, and tell us your problem. " " Er... we were having tea and snacks, and then there was this snake. " " You mean snack. " " No, I mean snake. Saap. It is lying in our bathroom. " " We'll be there ASAP. Please tell us your address. " I gave my wife the good news. " They take care of snakes too, besides fires! " My son gave me 'I told you so' look. It took the fire brigade exactly 7 minutes to reach our house. There was a sound of the emergency bell of the fire engine and 20 smartly dressed firemen jumped out wearing gumboots and armed with sticks. I escorted them to my house. Now I know how Telgi must have felt when he was arrested. My wife nudged me and whispered, " Twenty firemen? For one snake? " What was I supposed to say? Bahut be-in-'saapi' hai? The head fire boss took a careful survey of the snake's position. Then he quickly grabbed the wooden brush we keep in the bathroom and using that he trapped the snake's head, grabbed it in his right hand and then carried the wriggling creature away. The rest of the 19 firemen then took out various diaries and papers and took my sign on 5 or 6 forms. After all the commotion had died down, I sat down at our breakfast table and said, " Okay! Now lets have the tea and 'snakes'. " My wife glared at me and suddenly remembered, " Photos! Why didn't you take photos? " I cowered and muttered, " In all that excitement, ..... " My wife nearly conked me with the wooden brush of the bathroom. That brush is now kept in our hall and forms a special conversation piece. In the absence of photos, it is the only evidence of excitement in our mundane existence on this earth. Kishore Shah 1974 ------------------------------ Website: www.mgims.org ------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Thanks everybody for the mass Hiss-teria. Kishore Shah 1974 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Only,humour could have made, such a frightening situation,look easy. Great stuff,Kishoreda. Someday's ago,a cousin of mine asked me, during a chat..How come Shyam u love to joke all the time... I told her ... " Correction,dear sis.......the sentence should have been framed,......How come, 15 years of marriage hasn't dented ur humour, as yet??. Lastly,I was under the mistaken belief,that snakes don't have EARS,but at the end of ur story,I had to change that bit.. The snake,must have half died, rolling with laughter, hearing as,the Shah Parivar went about planning his ultimate capture. Shyam(84) Re: HISS-TERIA kishore Sir that was EXCELLENT... all we can say is that " yeh group maange more...!!! " keep such wonderful writeups coming...!!! I am going to forward this very funny article to my friends.... Ameet 1993 > > HISS-TERIA > (A true story- happened today at 7 am) > > " I am not coming to your sister's husband's aunt's birthday party. And > that > is final. " > > " Snake! " said my wife. > > I was terribly miffed. I said, " Look. I have been called at various times > dog, pig, and ass with doubtful justification, if any. However, all of > them > at least have limbs. How can you condemn me to such low slithering > levels? " > > " S-s-s-s-snake! " Insisted my wife coming out of the bathroom, where she > was > brushing her teeth. > > " This is totally unfair. I mean, what reptilian transgression did I > perform, > except for refusing to attend your sister's husband's uncle's birthday > party? " > > " There's a snake in the bathroom! And it is aunt and not uncle. " > > I nearly moulted out of my skin. " How do you know it is a female? All > these > years as a Gynaecologist and sometimes I cannot recognize the sex of even > my > patients. And you can tell whether the snake is an aunt or uncle? " > > " I didn't do it! " shouted my son, Yash. Whenever my wife shouts something, > that is my son's first reaction. > > " Idiot! There is a snake in the bathroom! " my wife clarified to both of us > idiots. > > " No! Dad is outside, reading the newspaper. " > > " Don't be a wise ass. " > > " How can an ass be wise? " > > " There you go again. There is really a snake in the bathroom. " > > " Mom always makes mountains out of mole hills, or in this case, snakes out > of earthworms! " > > I ventured into the bathroom. " Where is it? I can't see a thing. " > > " Don't go in!!!! " my wife screeched. > > " Then how can I see it? Like Yash said, its probably an earthworm who has > done an Adnan Sami. " > > " It's there in the window corner. Don't go near. " > > Meanwhile my son sauntered by. " Is it poisonous or non-poisonous? " > > " Let me first see it. " I said. " Ah! Oh yes! There it is coiled up. " > > My son started his knowledge series, " If the bite marks are two parallel > cuts, the snake is poisonous. If there are continuous teeth marks, it is > not > poisonous. " > > " You mean I have to get bitten to see if it is poisonous? " I asked > sarcastically. " Then a better test would be that if I survive, it was not > poisonous. And if I die, it will be conclusive proof.... " > > My wife looked derisively at me and said, " Most of the snakes in India are > not venomous, so I can't get so lucky! " > > All three of us craned our heads to see the creature. It was a > white-banded > 1 or 2 feet long black snake. > > My son looked carefully and declared, " Its probably more frightened of us > than we are of it. " > > " Yeah! No wonder it has come into the bathroom. However, if I get any more > frightened, I won't know where to go. " I remarked. > > My son was still inspecting the creature, " I think it is a krait. Look at > the flat head and bands. " > > " Yeah! We have men with bands, wedding bands, and naturally their heads > are > flat. " > > My wife was getting agitated, " Are we going to just sit wise cracking here > or are we going to do something? " > > " The key word being 'we'? " > > " There is no need to be sarcastic. Start doing something. " > > Well, of course, when the high command wants you to act, even a dithering, > directionless and spineless prime minister has to act. I considered the > various options. The best was to close the bathroom door and let the snake > do what it came to do in our bathroom, and let it run out of steam, or > whatever it is that snakes run out of. The high command rejected this idea > as outrageous. Females never like the idea of letting anyone do what they > want to do. > > The other option, which I rejected outright, was that I do something. My > wife was getting more and more agitated. " Do something, quickly. " > > " Use the neighbour's bathroom. " I suggested helpfully. > > If looks could kill, my photo would have appeared in tomorrow's newspaper. > I > pondered over the dilemma. > > " Snakes aren't slimy. They are dry to touch. " my son added helpfully. > > " Don't touch it! " my wife shouted, as if I was really going to touch the > snake and advice it to use a moisturizer for its dry skin. > > Meanwhile, all that commotion had attracted our neighbouring Radhabai. > " Kay > zhala. Aga bai, Saap. " Then she told all of us to stay as we were and not > move. She hurried to her house. My wife turned to me and said, " Look, how > efficient Radhabai is. She has gone to get a trap or something for the > snake. Otherwise look at you. " > > Radhabai returned post haste with a small saucer. She had milk in the > saucer. She asked me, " Do you think we should add sugar to the milk? " > > I banged my forehead with my palm, " Radhabai, you think the snake may be > dieting? We are trying to drive away the snake and not rear it. And > anyway, > I don't think snakes drink milk, sugared or otherwise. Snakes eat rats and > eggs. " > > This stumped Radhabai. She, being a vegetarian, could not get eggs for the > snake. While she was wondering how to trap rats for this Nag devta, my > wife > was wondering why her Pati Devta was not doing anything. > > My son had a brain wave. " Why don't we call Sagar uncle over to catch the > snake? " Sagar always keeps boasting about his various wild life > activities. > He claims to have caught dozens (if not hundreds) of snakes barehanded. My > son hastened to phone him up, but returned crest fallen in a minute. > " Sagar > uncle says that the snake seems poisonous and it is better to call a > specialist. " > > " I thought he called himself a snake specialist! At least now we can stop > his boasting at the first stage itself. " I remarked. > > Our other neighbour, Mr. Patel, came over. He peered through his thick > specs > and said, " Thank God I did not have breakfast. What is this in celebration > of? " > > I was perplexed. " What are you talking about? " > > " You must be celebrating something. Why will you have a breakfast party > suddenly? " > > " Breakfast party! " my wife screamed. " What are you blabbering about? " > > Patel was also confused, " They told me that you are giving tea and > 'snakes' " > > " Oh! You mean snacks! No Mr. Patel. We have a snake, as in reptile. If you > want it, please help yourself. It's on the house, or rather in the > bathroom! " My sarcasm was lost on the hapless Mr. Patel. > > My wife, meanwhile, was getting more and more agitated. " It's been 30 > minutes, and you haven't done a single thing. " > > " Yes, " I agreed, " but then even the snake has done nothing, except curling > up in the corner. That sort of balances things up. " > > " Go call somebody. " > > My son said, " Dad, call the fire brigade! " > > I gave him a withering look. " Except on the kitchen stove, below the > burning > toast, I cannot see a fire in our house. " > > " Oh my God! I forgot the toast! You can't even remind me to close the > stove. " My wife always blames me for everything from burning toasts to > Kashmir bombings. > > " Dad, we always see firemen rescuing cats in foreign countries. " > > " First of all, this is not a foreign country, and secondly this is not a > cat. This is a Krait! " > > " At least try what the boy suggests. He has more sense than you. " My wife > had returned after dousing the fire. I tentatively picked up the phone, > fully expecting to be rebuffed. " Hello! Fire Brigade? Please stop me if > this > is a wrong question. I mean to say, I know that the name of your > department > is Fire Brigade, and I know how silly this sounds. Please forgive me if I > am > not correct. " > > " Calm down, sir, and tell us your problem. " > > " Er... we were having tea and snacks, and then there was this snake. " > > " You mean snack. " > > " No, I mean snake. Saap. It is lying in our bathroom. " > > " We'll be there ASAP. Please tell us your address. " > > I gave my wife the good news. " They take care of snakes too, besides > fires! " > My son gave me 'I told you so' look. > > It took the fire brigade exactly 7 minutes to reach our house. There was a > sound of the emergency bell of the fire engine and 20 smartly dressed > firemen jumped out wearing gumboots and armed with sticks. I escorted them > to my house. Now I know how Telgi must have felt when he was arrested. > > My wife nudged me and whispered, " Twenty firemen? For one snake? " > > What was I supposed to say? Bahut be-in-'saapi' hai? > > The head fire boss took a careful survey of the snake's position. Then he > quickly grabbed the wooden brush we keep in the bathroom and using that he > trapped the snake's head, grabbed it in his right hand and then carried > the > wriggling creature away. The rest of the 19 firemen then took out various > diaries and papers and took my sign on 5 or 6 forms. > > After all the commotion had died down, I sat down at our breakfast table > and > said, " Okay! Now lets have the tea and 'snakes'. " > > My wife glared at me and suddenly remembered, " Photos! Why didn't you take > photos? " > > I cowered and muttered, " In all that excitement, ..... " > > My wife nearly conked me with the wooden brush of the bathroom. That brush > is now kept in our hall and forms a special conversation piece. In the > absence of photos, it is the only evidence of excitement in our mundane > existence on this earth. > > Kishore Shah 1974 > > > > ------------------------------ > Website: www.mgims.org > ------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Excellent reading. I still think you mmissed your true vocation... With regards Malini Prasad (lp1960@...) Wish a very happy and cheerful day keep smiling > HISS-TERIA > > > HISS-TERIA > (A true story- happened today at 7 am) > > " I am not coming to your sister's husband's aunt's birthday > party. And that is final. " > > " Snake! " said my wife. > > I was terribly miffed. I said, " Look. I have been called at > various times dog, pig, and ass with doubtful justification, > if any. However, all of them at least have limbs. How can you > condemn me to such low slithering levels? " > > " S-s-s-s-snake! " Insisted my wife coming out of the bathroom, > where she was brushing her teeth. > > " This is totally unfair. I mean, what reptilian transgression > did I perform, except for refusing to attend your sister's > husband's uncle's birthday party? " > > " There's a snake in the bathroom! And it is aunt and not uncle. " > > I nearly moulted out of my skin. " How do you know it is a > female? All these years as a Gynaecologist and sometimes I > cannot recognize the sex of even my patients. And you can > tell whether the snake is an aunt or uncle? " > > " I didn't do it! " shouted my son, Yash. Whenever my wife > shouts something, that is my son's first reaction. > > " Idiot! There is a snake in the bathroom! " my wife clarified > to both of us idiots. > > " No! Dad is outside, reading the newspaper. " > > " Don't be a wise ass. " > > " How can an ass be wise? " > > " There you go again. There is really a snake in the bathroom. " > > " Mom always makes mountains out of mole hills, or in this > case, snakes out of earthworms! " > > I ventured into the bathroom. " Where is it? I can't see a thing. " > > " Don't go in!!!! " my wife screeched. > > " Then how can I see it? Like Yash said, its probably an > earthworm who has done an Adnan Sami. " > > " It's there in the window corner. Don't go near. " > > Meanwhile my son sauntered by. " Is it poisonous or non-poisonous? " > > " Let me first see it. " I said. " Ah! Oh yes! There it is coiled up. " > > My son started his knowledge series, " If the bite marks are > two parallel cuts, the snake is poisonous. If there are > continuous teeth marks, it is not poisonous. " > > " You mean I have to get bitten to see if it is poisonous? " I > asked sarcastically. " Then a better test would be that if I > survive, it was not poisonous. And if I die, it will be > conclusive proof.... " > > My wife looked derisively at me and said, " Most of the snakes > in India are not venomous, so I can't get so lucky! " > > All three of us craned our heads to see the creature. It was > a white-banded 1 or 2 feet long black snake. > > My son looked carefully and declared, " Its probably more > frightened of us than we are of it. " > > " Yeah! No wonder it has come into the bathroom. However, if I > get any more frightened, I won't know where to go. " I remarked. > > My son was still inspecting the creature, " I think it is a > krait. Look at the flat head and bands. " > > " Yeah! We have men with bands, wedding bands, and naturally > their heads are flat. " > > My wife was getting agitated, " Are we going to just sit wise > cracking here or are we going to do something? " > > " The key word being 'we'? " > > " There is no need to be sarcastic. Start doing something. " > > Well, of course, when the high command wants you to act, even > a dithering, directionless and spineless prime minister has > to act. I considered the various options. The best was to > close the bathroom door and let the snake do what it came to > do in our bathroom, and let it run out of steam, or whatever > it is that snakes run out of. The high command rejected this > idea as outrageous. Females never like the idea of letting > anyone do what they want to do. > > The other option, which I rejected outright, was that I do > something. My wife was getting more and more agitated. " Do > something, quickly. " > > " Use the neighbour's bathroom. " I suggested helpfully. > > If looks could kill, my photo would have appeared in > tomorrow's newspaper. I pondered over the dilemma. > > " Snakes aren't slimy. They are dry to touch. " my son added helpfully. > > " Don't touch it! " my wife shouted, as if I was really going > to touch the snake and advice it to use a moisturizer for its > dry skin. > > Meanwhile, all that commotion had attracted our neighbouring > Radhabai. " Kay zhala. Aga bai, Saap. " Then she told all of us > to stay as we were and not move. She hurried to her house. My > wife turned to me and said, " Look, how efficient Radhabai is. > She has gone to get a trap or something for the snake. > Otherwise look at you. " > > Radhabai returned post haste with a small saucer. She had > milk in the saucer. She asked me, " Do you think we should add > sugar to the milk? " > > I banged my forehead with my palm, " Radhabai, you think the > snake may be dieting? We are trying to drive away the snake > and not rear it. And anyway, I don't think snakes drink milk, > sugared or otherwise. Snakes eat rats and eggs. " > > This stumped Radhabai. She, being a vegetarian, could not get > eggs for the snake. While she was wondering how to trap rats > for this Nag devta, my wife was wondering why her Pati Devta > was not doing anything. > > My son had a brain wave. " Why don't we call Sagar uncle over > to catch the snake? " Sagar always keeps boasting about his > various wild life activities. He claims to have caught dozens > (if not hundreds) of snakes barehanded. My son hastened to > phone him up, but returned crest fallen in a minute. " Sagar > uncle says that the snake seems poisonous and it is better to > call a specialist. " > > " I thought he called himself a snake specialist! At least now > we can stop his boasting at the first stage itself. " I remarked. > > Our other neighbour, Mr. Patel, came over. He peered through > his thick specs and said, " Thank God I did not have > breakfast. What is this in celebration of? " > > I was perplexed. " What are you talking about? " > > " You must be celebrating something. Why will you have a > breakfast party suddenly? " > > " Breakfast party! " my wife screamed. " What are you blabbering about? " > > Patel was also confused, " They told me that you are giving > tea and 'snakes' " > > " Oh! You mean snacks! No Mr. Patel. We have a snake, as in > reptile. If you want it, please help yourself. It's on the > house, or rather in the bathroom! " My sarcasm was lost on the > hapless Mr. Patel. > > My wife, meanwhile, was getting more and more agitated. " It's > been 30 minutes, and you haven't done a single thing. " > > " Yes, " I agreed, " but then even the snake has done nothing, > except curling up in the corner. That sort of balances things up. " > > " Go call somebody. " > > My son said, " Dad, call the fire brigade! " > > I gave him a withering look. " Except on the kitchen stove, > below the burning toast, I cannot see a fire in our house. " > > " Oh my God! I forgot the toast! You can't even remind me to > close the stove. " My wife always blames me for everything > from burning toasts to Kashmir bombings. > > " Dad, we always see firemen rescuing cats in foreign countries. " > > " First of all, this is not a foreign country, and secondly > this is not a cat. This is a Krait! " > > " At least try what the boy suggests. He has more sense than > you. " My wife had returned after dousing the fire. I > tentatively picked up the phone, fully expecting to be > rebuffed. " Hello! Fire Brigade? Please stop me if this is a > wrong question. I mean to say, I know that the name of your > department is Fire Brigade, and I know how silly this sounds. > Please forgive me if I am not correct. " > > " Calm down, sir, and tell us your problem. " > > " Er... we were having tea and snacks, and then there was this snake. " > > " You mean snack. " > > " No, I mean snake. Saap. It is lying in our bathroom. " > > " We'll be there ASAP. Please tell us your address. " > > I gave my wife the good news. " They take care of snakes too, > besides fires! " My son gave me 'I told you so' look. > > It took the fire brigade exactly 7 minutes to reach our > house. There was a sound of the emergency bell of the fire > engine and 20 smartly dressed firemen jumped out wearing > gumboots and armed with sticks. I escorted them to my house. > Now I know how Telgi must have felt when he was arrested. > > My wife nudged me and whispered, " Twenty firemen? For one snake? " > > What was I supposed to say? Bahut be-in-'saapi' hai? > > The head fire boss took a careful survey of the snake's > position. Then he quickly grabbed the wooden brush we keep in > the bathroom and using that he trapped the snake's head, > grabbed it in his right hand and then carried the wriggling > creature away. The rest of the 19 firemen then took out > various diaries and papers and took my sign on 5 or 6 forms. > > After all the commotion had died down, I sat down at our > breakfast table and said, " Okay! Now lets have the tea and 'snakes'. " > > My wife glared at me and suddenly remembered, " Photos! Why > didn't you take photos? " > > I cowered and muttered, " In all that excitement, ..... " > > My wife nearly conked me with the wooden brush of the > bathroom. That brush is now kept in our hall and forms a > special conversation piece. In the absence of photos, it is > the only evidence of excitement in our mundane existence on > this earth. > > Kishore Shah 1974 > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2006 Report Share Posted May 26, 2006 Thanks again, everybody for the appreciation. Yes! The situation was frightening when it was actually happening. I needed to use the bathroom more than the snake did. However, due to reasons beyond my control, I could not use it. Today, I basked in the glory of having a snake caught in my house, with known and unknown people accosting me and asking pertinent questions like kitna bada tha? Gradually, the length of the snake has increased from the original 1 or 2 feet to a massive 5 or 6 feet long. The Krait has turned into a magnificient cobra with a swaying hood. I'm sure that by this month end it will morph into a 20 feet python, with me battling bare handed. Or maybe, I can have a sequel with a nagin searching for Dr. Kishore Shah, who abducted and did away with her husband, who is missing in action, presumed dead.Or better still, a gang of Nags invading Matru Seva Hospital and asking for justice, with banners saying, " Is using the bathroom a crime? " Kishore Shah 1974 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2006 Report Share Posted May 27, 2006 Kishore, Most of your writeups are topical... are you sure this has nothing to do with " reservations " ? :-D Ravin '82 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 27, 2006 Report Share Posted May 27, 2006 Hmm! Yes, I forgot to ask the snake if he had come to claim his reserved seat in our bathroom. Kishore Shah 1974 Re: HISS-TERIA Kishore, Most of your writeups are topical... are you sure this has nothing to do with " reservations " ? :-D Ravin '82 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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