Re: update (was KOs and relationships)

[Guest guest]

" They say we teach people how to treat us... "

Ya know, so often I think that that's a subconscious thing, I forget

that it can just as well be literal. I'm glad that you had the

strength to stick up for yourself, and that your man took it like a

man. Guys aren't mind-readers, we often have to spell it out for

them. I love them anyhow. You're right to keep an eye out thou, if

he really does care, which it sounds like he does, you'll be sure to

notice.

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I'm SO proud of the way you handled that!!!! You really took care of

yourself and it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

I also have a very hard time facing potential conflicts -- let alone instigating

one -- so I can really empathize with that fear that everyone is going to react

like a nada. It takes great courage to bring up an issue like this --

especially with someone you don't know as well, and when there's a lot at stake.

But you did it!!!!!

You're absolutely right to keep watching how he handles this in the future. But

I SO agree the most important thing is that you took care of yourself in a

totally appropriate, mutually respectful way -- KO-ness and all!

Great job!!!

Shana

update (was KOs and relationships)

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Dear Post-ers, You all were so very, very supportive! So I

> wanted to let you know what

> happened last night with my 'joker' guy. It was actually very

> anti-climactic, considering

> the lead up.

>

> We sat down in the living room, I gave him a beer, I got myself

> a glass of wine. We made a

> little small talk about how our days had gone. It was on the

> air that we needed to talk

> status about everything, I think. Anyway I brought it up--I

> said I need to tell you

> something about myself. My family was constantly picking on me

> about basic things like

> how I dress, if I am hot or cold, when I sleep, etc. And so I

> am very sensitive about that.

> And so when you pick on me about those things, it makes me feel

> very bad....This is

> paraphrasing. He just said he was sorry, and took my hand. I

> then said how very

> pervasive it was, and how they didn't do it to everybody in the

> family, but I was one of the

> people they did it to, and he said 'I didn't know, I'm sorry.'

> And kept holding my hand.

> And that was it. And then we talked about some other important

> relationship-things.

>

> Now I promise to keep my eye out as to whether he does it again,

> how much he does it,

> what his motivation seems to be, etc. But for now I feel quite

> safe around him again. I

> can't believe how easy it was. I was geared up to face a

> nada...that's not what happened,

> at least not this time.

>

> I don't know what the future holds but I do know I took care of

> myself at this moment, and

> that feels pretty good. But I could not have done that without

> all of you. Your posts

> literally pulled me out of that terrible, ugly-feeling place

> that my nada put me in, and

> helped me to feel enough self-respect and confidence to have

> this conversation the way it

> needed to be had. They say we teach people how to treat us...I

> am learning how that

> works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone enough for the

> outpouring of support I

> received on this issue.

>

> Charlie H.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh dear everyone, the night after the fateful talk, I feel like things aren't as

rosy as they

seemed. More like, red. Those of you who said 'red flags' won't be surprised!

I know

'relationships' are slightly of topic and I appreciate everyone's input. I am

trying to

determine the scope of my peanut allergy, as we have termed it, which is indeed

nada-

related. Nada's keeping me from having a real romantic relationship is probably

the single

worst thing she has done to me, and I am determined to overcome it, even if it

takes a

lifetime.

When I saw our peanut farmer tonight, he asked me more about what he could joke

about

or not--sounds good, right? And he truly didn't pick on me about my appearance,

eating

or sleeping. HOWEVER he said and did many other things that made me feel

completely

like crap, just like dirt. I am getting really mixed signals about whether he

really respects

me or not. It honestly doesn't seem borderline, but it might be legitmately

deemed

'emotional abuse'. I honestly do not know. He might be trying to convey his

respect for

me in ways I do not process, because of nada. Or he might be an emotionally

abusive sob.

I don't know how to keep him gray. All I know is that my inner 12 year old is

crying out to

be respected and healed--AGAIN. So I am posting to try and sort through it.

He wanted pizza, right? So I called to order them for us, and when the order

was complete

I asked what the price would be. And he said in this tone that I experienced as

really

derogatory and nasty, why do YOU care? He was trying to express that he was

going to

pay for it, and that I shouldn't worry about it. This is also a cultural thing,

since he's from

a culture where the man is supposed to take care of such things. I was just

asking for the

price so he could know it ahead of time; it's something I have done all my life,

with

takeout orders. He was possibly threatened by it. I don't know. But it was

said in a tone

that implied I was absolutely ridiculous, and should be reprimanded for it. And

I got the

same tone when he noticed I had changed my screen background to a photo of my

dog. It

had been a picture of a hot movie star that I thought looked like him a bit.

And he-I don't

know--kind of fussed at me for changing it, or acted kindof like I was

ridiculous for doing

so--or at least made me FEEL ridiculous for doing so. It caused me to reply in

a tone that

I did not feel attractive using. Many, many things he says and does cause me to

reply in a

tone that does not make me feel attractive.

At the same time, he did ask more about it, the insult issue, and he seemed to

genuinely

care and genuinely want not to do what I asked him not to do. He didn't try to

use

anything to hurt me that he KNEW would hurt me, he didn't try to test the

boundary, he

was not compelled to 'slip one in' about any topics he knew weren't ok. I know

he really

cared when he asked me more about it. But I don't know if he is going to be

able to treat

me, long term, in a way that doesn't trigger me. It is confusing because the

first month we

were dating he did the OPPOSITE of trigger me. He made me feel completely

beautiful and

strong.

There are also a few larger issues that are looming over, that might be making

me hyper-

sensitive to him. There is one big thing he's doing that's making me feel

rejected overall,

and that might be making me hyper-sensitive to certain of his mannerisms. I am

not sure.

I AM sure all of this is really breaking my heart. And if we resolve the one

big thing, I

don't know if I will still have a peanut allergy, and if he will still be a

peanut farmer, and

why in the beginning there were no da*ned peanuts anywhere--it was all roses.

[sound of Charlie pulling her hair out].

Thanks everybody ...

>

> Charlie, I'm SO proud of the way you handled that!!!! You really took care of

yourself

and it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

>

> I also have a very hard time facing potential conflicts -- let alone

instigating one -- so I

can really empathize with that fear that everyone is going to react like a nada.

It takes

great courage to bring up an issue like this -- especially with someone you

don't know as

well, and when there's a lot at stake. But you did it!!!!!

>

> You're absolutely right to keep watching how he handles this in the future.

But I SO

agree the most important thing is that you took care of yourself in a totally

appropriate,

mutually respectful way -- KO-ness and all!

>

> Great job!!!

>

> Shana

>

>

>

> update (was KOs and relationships)

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Dear Post-ers, You all were so very, very supportive! So I

> > wanted to let you know what

> > happened last night with my 'joker' guy. It was actually very

> > anti-climactic, considering

> > the lead up.

> >

> > We sat down in the living room, I gave him a beer, I got myself

> > a glass of wine. We made a

> > little small talk about how our days had gone. It was on the

> > air that we needed to talk

> > status about everything, I think. Anyway I brought it up--I

> > said I need to tell you

> > something about myself. My family was constantly picking on me

> > about basic things like

> > how I dress, if I am hot or cold, when I sleep, etc. And so I

> > am very sensitive about that.

> > And so when you pick on me about those things, it makes me feel

> > very bad....This is

> > paraphrasing. He just said he was sorry, and took my hand. I

> > then said how very

> > pervasive it was, and how they didn't do it to everybody in the

> > family, but I was one of the

> > people they did it to, and he said 'I didn't know, I'm sorry.'

> > And kept holding my hand.

> > And that was it. And then we talked about some other important

> > relationship-things.

> >

> > Now I promise to keep my eye out as to whether he does it again,

> > how much he does it,

> > what his motivation seems to be, etc. But for now I feel quite

> > safe around him again. I

> > can't believe how easy it was. I was geared up to face a

> > nada...that's not what happened,

> > at least not this time.

> >

> > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I took care of

> > myself at this moment, and

> > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done that without

> > all of you. Your posts

> > literally pulled me out of that terrible, ugly-feeling place

> > that my nada put me in, and

> > helped me to feel enough self-respect and confidence to have

> > this conversation the way it

> > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to treat us...I

> > am learning how that

> > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone enough for the

> > outpouring of support I

> > received on this issue.

> >

> > Charlie H.

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I say relax and let the thing unfold!

There ARE cultural differences at play here -- or he MIGHT turn out just to be

abusive -- but I think the most important thing is to keep the focus on

yourself, as you have been, and just keep watching and exploring everything that

comes up for you.

Ultimately, you're not going to let yourself stay in a relationship with someone

who's proven themself to be abusive! You're in a really early stage where

you're both just getting to know each other, and you're negotiating rules and

boundaries with each other... maybe for now it would be better to just try to

relax and have faith that, if he continues to bring up negative feelings, you'll

have the insight and strength to recognize it and end the relationship then?

I can REALLY empathize with the fear and discomfort that comes with letting a

guy stay in that " grey zone. " I think it's super healthy that you're

recognizing all the red flags right now. But you don't have to make any

decisions one way or the other right now, you can also choose just to watch and

wait and see what happens! I think one thing our nadas modelled is that very

impatient toddler-like feeling that things in a relationship have to be

resolved, one way or the other, RIGHT NOW. But they really don't!

Shana

update (was KOs and relationships)

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >

> > > Dear Post-ers, You all were so very, very supportive! So I

> > > wanted to let you know what

> > > happened last night with my 'joker' guy. It was actually

> very

> > > anti-climactic, considering

> > > the lead up.

> > >

> > > We sat down in the living room, I gave him a beer, I got

> myself

> > > a glass of wine. We made a

> > > little small talk about how our days had gone. It was on the

> > > air that we needed to talk

> > > status about everything, I think. Anyway I brought it up--I

> > > said I need to tell you

> > > something about myself. My family was constantly picking on

> me

> > > about basic things like

> > > how I dress, if I am hot or cold, when I sleep, etc. And so

> I

> > > am very sensitive about that.

> > > And so when you pick on me about those things, it makes me

> feel

> > > very bad....This is

> > > paraphrasing. He just said he was sorry, and took my hand. I

> > > then said how very

> > > pervasive it was, and how they didn't do it to everybody in

> the

> > > family, but I was one of the

> > > people they did it to, and he said 'I didn't know, I'm

> sorry.'

> > > And kept holding my hand.

> > > And that was it. And then we talked about some other

> important

> > > relationship-things.

> > >

> > > Now I promise to keep my eye out as to whether he does it

> again,

> > > how much he does it,

> > > what his motivation seems to be, etc. But for now I feel

> quite

> > > safe around him again. I

> > > can't believe how easy it was. I was geared up to face a

> > > nada...that's not what happened,

> > > at least not this time.

> > >

> > > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I took care

> of

> > > myself at this moment, and

> > > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done that

> without

> > > all of you. Your posts

> > > literally pulled me out of that terrible, ugly-feeling place

> > > that my nada put me in, and

> > > helped me to feel enough self-respect and confidence to have

> > > this conversation the way it

> > > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to treat

> us...I

> > > am learning how that

> > > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone enough for

> the

> > > outpouring of support I

> > > received on this issue.

> > >

> > > Charlie H.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie,

Thanks for the update! I am so glad to hear how well this went, and how

good you are feeling about addressing the situation. Keep those

feelings in mind the next time you have to do some boundary setting with

anyone.

Sylvia

>

>.........>

> I don't know what the future holds but I do know I took care of myself

at this moment, and

> that feels pretty good. But I could not have done that without all of

you. Your posts

> literally pulled me out of that terrible, ugly-feeling place that my

nada put me in, and

> helped me to feel enough self-respect and confidence to have this

conversation the way it

> needed to be had. They say we teach people how to treat us...I am

learning how that

> works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone enough for the

outpouring of support I

> received on this issue.

>

> Charlie H.

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

I understand that you feel somewhat heartbroken about

how this relationship is going and that you’re

searching for what could happen, so you can take care

of yourself now and later. I’ve always valued your

sharing and feedback here, and hope you take my

feedback in a good spirit, though it may not be what

you want to hear.

My male perspective is that he’s going to continue and

escalate efforts to dominate and control you, and that

he doesn’t get the CONCEPTS you’ve communicated to

him. These kinds of behaviors usually take a LONG

time to change, especially when they’re culturally

based, and not only by whatever his culture is. His

unthinking and negative reaction to your screensaver

choice is probably symbolic of how he will continue to

react toward you (and probably all women) for a long

time. I don’t think any of this will change anytime

soon.

When women have done similar things from a women’s

perspective with me, I’ve always noted that that was

their typical way of behaving, motivated by their

insecurities, including their fear of not having

control, and by their basic beliefs about how to

behave in a relationship.

I know it doesn’t feel good to be in the position

you’re in, having been there many times myself. I

wish you the best.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- smhtrain2 wrote:

>

> Hi Charlie,

>

> Thanks for the update! I am so glad to hear how

> well this went, and how

> good you are feeling about addressing the situation.

> Keep those

> feelings in mind the next time you have to do some

> boundary setting with

> anyone.

>

> Sylvia

>

>

>

> >

> >.........>

> > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I

> took care of myself

> at this moment, and

> > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done

> that without all of

> you. Your posts

> > literally pulled me out of that terrible,

> ugly-feeling place that my

> nada put me in, and

> > helped me to feel enough self-respect and

> confidence to have this

> conversation the way it

> > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to

> treat us...I am

> learning how that

> > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone

> enough for the

> outpouring of support I

> > received on this issue.

> >

> > Charlie H.

> >

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Yahoo! Music Unlimited

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[Guest guest]

Charlie,

I'm sorry this is so frustrating and emotional for you.

Just keep an eye on this thing... I mean, I guess it's good to let

things play out and unfold, and it's good that you are paying

attention to these things.

Not to jump too far down the road, but I just want to throw

something out there. In the early dating stages, people are at their

best. When you're just dating, you could break up at any point, and

so there is more of an effort to really put your best foot forward,

impress each other, etc. It's during long term relationships,

engagements, and marriages that more and more of the reality sinks

in, and I would think that any questionable behavior this guy is

exhibiting now may only get worse with time. Chances are, if he

triggers you now, he will only keep triggering you and feel more

freedom to really be himself as the relationship solidifies. The

question is whether or not this is just little stuff, or the tip of

the iceberg???

I really hope I'm not being too negative. It's just that I dated a

guy who was really emotionally abusive, controlling, and at one

point it became physically abusive. That too started out like he was

the perfect guy. He was even voted " most dependable " in our senior

class. HA HA! Anyway, he started out treating me like a Princess,

and then it started to go downhill once I was smitten and he was

secure that I was crazy about him. Then the comments started, small

at first. He was controlling, telling me what to do, what to wear,

what I wasn't " allowed " to buy, walk this way so I can watch you,

blah blah blah. Demeaning, making me feel like he would be the only

guy to want me, and making me feel like garbage. I don't think he

was BP, but maybe NPD. PS I think he cheated on me. He repeatedly

did some pretty over-the-line stuff w/ this girl right infront of

me, so I can only imagine what happened behind closed doors.

Anyway, this guy really may be different, but with the cultural

differences you pointed out, w/ guys doing everything for the girls,

does that mean just paying for stuff and holding doors, or does he

think that it also means treating them w/ respect and honor? Why

would a guy pay? It's either an act of chivarly and being a

gentleman, or it's out of control.

It's good to try and look at this in terms of gray... everyone does

have their moments, their days, and their flaws. It's good for you

to examine this. You don't need anyone to treat you with anything

other than respect, love, care, compassion, and tenderness. True, we

can all have partners who have their moments when they are rude,

mean, selfish, etc, but these are typically not the way they are in

general... my DH isn't perfect, but he does make me feel beautiful,

smart, clever and valued. You also want someone who brings out the

best in you.

Again, I hope I'm not being too negative or too cynical.

Grace

> >

> > Charlie, I'm SO proud of the way you handled that!!!! You

really took care of yourself

> and it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

> >

> > I also have a very hard time facing potential conflicts -- let

alone instigating one -- so I

> can really empathize with that fear that everyone is going to

react like a nada. It takes

> great courage to bring up an issue like this -- especially with

someone you don't know as

> well, and when there's a lot at stake. But you did it!!!!!

> >

> > You're absolutely right to keep watching how he handles this in

the future. But I SO

> agree the most important thing is that you took care of yourself

in a totally appropriate,

> mutually respectful way -- KO-ness and all!

> >

> > Great job!!!

> >

> > Shana

> >

> >

> >

> > update (was KOs and relationships)

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >

> > > Dear Post-ers, You all were so very, very supportive! So I

> > > wanted to let you know what

> > > happened last night with my 'joker' guy. It was actually very

> > > anti-climactic, considering

> > > the lead up.

> > >

> > > We sat down in the living room, I gave him a beer, I got

myself

> > > a glass of wine. We made a

> > > little small talk about how our days had gone. It was on the

> > > air that we needed to talk

> > > status about everything, I think. Anyway I brought it up--I

> > > said I need to tell you

> > > something about myself. My family was constantly picking on me

> > > about basic things like

> > > how I dress, if I am hot or cold, when I sleep, etc. And so I

> > > am very sensitive about that.

> > > And so when you pick on me about those things, it makes me

feel

> > > very bad....This is

> > > paraphrasing. He just said he was sorry, and took my hand. I

> > > then said how very

> > > pervasive it was, and how they didn't do it to everybody in

the

> > > family, but I was one of the

> > > people they did it to, and he said 'I didn't know, I'm sorry.'

> > > And kept holding my hand.

> > > And that was it. And then we talked about some other important

> > > relationship-things.

> > >

> > > Now I promise to keep my eye out as to whether he does it

again,

> > > how much he does it,

> > > what his motivation seems to be, etc. But for now I feel quite

> > > safe around him again. I

> > > can't believe how easy it was. I was geared up to face a

> > > nada...that's not what happened,

> > > at least not this time.

> > >

> > > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I took care

of

> > > myself at this moment, and

> > > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done that without

> > > all of you. Your posts

> > > literally pulled me out of that terrible, ugly-feeling place

> > > that my nada put me in, and

> > > helped me to feel enough self-respect and confidence to have

> > > this conversation the way it

> > > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to treat us...I

> > > am learning how that

> > > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone enough for

the

> > > outpouring of support I

> > > received on this issue.

> > >

> > > Charlie H.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie, the post from NonBPman pretty much said what I was

thinking as I read your thread. I'm in the same stage you are, with

having grown a serious relationship this year, after having been

married for quite a few years. Its new stuff. It triggers our old

stuff, you know that.

So aside from what NONBPman said, here's what I noticed about your

post. You said that being with him is making you act in ways you

don't like about yourself. WHOA GIRL. That's like a dealbreaker.

Being with someone that, in the early stages, brings out behaviors in

you is a red flag that you already feel physically. You're feeling

something in your GUT with this guy, and one of the ways your gut is

talking is in this reaction you have to him. Sweetie, a safe,

healthy, happy and loving relationship can sometimes be rough, BUT in

these early stages, if you're being hurt in ways that are causing YOU

to lash out, well then you gotta seriously think about this

relationship.

good love brings out our best, it inspires us, it makes us want to be

the best we can because we're secure in someone's love. Its like a

gift. From my view, if someone causes me to act in ways I'm not

proud of, then that's a serious serious red flag. its pushing

buttons you aren't proud of, and you see that.

The other stuff about what he says, clarifying what he can and can't

say to you? Umm...does it seem to YOU like he's asking out of genuine

respect and being careful with your heart? Or is this guy getting you

to tell him how to basically act as a human? From the outside

looking in, it sounds like he needs schooling on how to treat a

woman. Now do you really want to be his teacher? Uhh...I wouldn't.

Of course we're all on the outside and we just get a snapshot of the

guy and we have all of our own little views and stuff, so thsi is

where you listen to your gut. My suggestion is you take a break from

him, have some distance and breathing room. See how YOU feel with

that, and figure out if YOU really want this guy. Add to that how he

treats you during a little break. That's kind of a bellweather test

it seems in the getting to know someone stages when things may or may

not turn serious.

I hope you find your answers and peace, and a loving relationship

that gives you the security of real love

e

> > >

> > >.........>

> > > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I

> > took care of myself

> > at this moment, and

> > > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done

> > that without all of

> > you. Your posts

> > > literally pulled me out of that terrible,

> > ugly-feeling place that my

> > nada put me in, and

> > > helped me to feel enough self-respect and

> > confidence to have this

> > conversation the way it

> > > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to

> > treat us...I am

> > learning how that

> > > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone

> > enough for the

> > outpouring of support I

> > > received on this issue.

> > >

> > > Charlie H.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Yahoo! Music Unlimited

> Access over 1 million songs.

> http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited

>

[Guest guest]

Hi all, a (hopefully) final word or two on this subject. I want to shout out a

heartfelt thanks

to Grace and Non- and Sylvia and Shana and e (I think that's everyone who

has

replied this second round, so sorry if I left anyone out!) Especially to Grace

and non, I in

no way consider posts that indicate your true opinions to be non-supportive. I

value your

input and I know it is done out of support. I don't come here just for yes-men!

Knowing

so many KOs out there wish the best for me had kept me grounded and strong as I

work

through this. Just a year or two ago, I never would have valued myself in this

situation.

No matter who this guy turns out to be, I think it is a lesson for him, too,

having someone

stand up for themself consistently this way.

So first I want to say don't worry about me--like Shana said, if it comes to a

truly abusive

situation, I am definitely outa there. I've been single this long, I can deal.

What I wanted to share at this stage is how this relationship is teaching my

about the

experience of having a nada. I am really, really seeing fleas now that I was

unable to see

when I was completely single. Ie, the hermit's terror of people, and the

borderline's terror

of sex--things she projects onto her children so she doesn't have to feel them.

This guy

says and does a few things that are arguably abusive--or at least

inconsiderate--and I

completely panic. Its not just my gut helping me out; it is also a flea. I

experience it as if

he has already planned to beat me up or sexually assault me, and that it is

going to

happen the next time he comes over, help help, panic! Just like nada would

think, I have

split him black, and become terrified at any prospect of sexual contact, and

reacted as if

the house was on fire when only a candle was lit.

I'm not saying I have convinced myself to stay with this guy even if he is

abusive. But what

I'm saying is, I have been experiencing things as if he had done way more than

he has

already. Similarly, whenever he does or says anything I experience as

'rejection', I

experience the whole panic and terror of a complete break-up, instead of just a

red flag.

I have not taught myself how to recognize and deal with fleas and also

trauma-triggers in

the context of romantic relationships. That is mainly what this is about. My

anxiety here

is off the scale; but it has been whenever I have encountered nada issues, until

I worked

through them. Nada has taught me to have her three-year old emotions approach

to

relationships. Wishing for various things to try and make me feel unrejected or

safe or

whatever--like a kid in a candy store, and panicking and crying like the sky is

falling,

when I don't get them. It is good to learn that, even if I ultimately can't

stay with this guy.

I hope those observations are helpful to some of you.

Thanks again to everyone!

Charlie

> > > >

> > > >.........>

> > > > I don't know what the future holds but I do know I

> > > took care of myself

> > > at this moment, and

> > > > that feels pretty good. But I could not have done

> > > that without all of

> > > you. Your posts

> > > > literally pulled me out of that terrible,

> > > ugly-feeling place that my

> > > nada put me in, and

> > > > helped me to feel enough self-respect and

> > > confidence to have this

> > > conversation the way it

> > > > needed to be had. They say we teach people how to

> > > treat us...I am

> > > learning how that

> > > > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank everyone

> > > enough for the

> > > outpouring of support I

> > > > received on this issue.

> > > >

> > > > Charlie H.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> ______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > Yahoo! Music Unlimited

> > Access over 1 million songs.

> > http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited

> >

>

[Guest guest]

e,

That was beautifully put.

Greg.

--- phoenixsilverfire

wrote:

> Hi Charlie, the post from NonBPman pretty much said

> what I was

> thinking as I read your thread. I'm in the same

> stage you are, with

> having grown a serious relationship this year, after

> having been

> married for quite a few years. Its new stuff. It

> triggers our old

> stuff, you know that.

> So aside from what NONBPman said, here's what I

> noticed about your

> post. You said that being with him is making you

> act in ways you

> don't like about yourself. WHOA GIRL. That's like

> a dealbreaker.

> Being with someone that, in the early stages, brings

> out behaviors in

> you is a red flag that you already feel physically.

> You're feeling

> something in your GUT with this guy, and one of the

> ways your gut is

> talking is in this reaction you have to him.

> Sweetie, a safe,

> healthy, happy and loving relationship can sometimes

> be rough, BUT in

> these early stages, if you're being hurt in ways

> that are causing YOU

> to lash out, well then you gotta seriously think

> about this

> relationship.

> good love brings out our best, it inspires us, it

> makes us want to be

> the best we can because we're secure in someone's

> love. Its like a

> gift. From my view, if someone causes me to act in

> ways I'm not

> proud of, then that's a serious serious red flag.

> its pushing

> buttons you aren't proud of, and you see that.

> The other stuff about what he says, clarifying what

> he can and can't

> say to you? Umm...does it seem to YOU like he's

> asking out of genuine

> respect and being careful with your heart? Or is

> this guy getting you

> to tell him how to basically act as a human? From

> the outside

> looking in, it sounds like he needs schooling on how

> to treat a

> woman. Now do you really want to be his teacher?

> Uhh...I wouldn't.

> Of course we're all on the outside and we just get a

> snapshot of the

> guy and we have all of our own little views and

> stuff, so thsi is

> where you listen to your gut. My suggestion is you

> take a break from

> him, have some distance and breathing room. See how

> YOU feel with

> that, and figure out if YOU really want this guy.

> Add to that how he

> treats you during a little break. That's kind of a

> bellweather test

> it seems in the getting to know someone stages when

> things may or may

> not turn serious.

> I hope you find your answers and peace, and a loving

> relationship

> that gives you the security of real love

> e

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > >.........>

> > > > I don't know what the future holds but I do

> know I

> > > took care of myself

> > > at this moment, and

> > > > that feels pretty good. But I could not have

> done

> > > that without all of

> > > you. Your posts

> > > > literally pulled me out of that terrible,

> > > ugly-feeling place that my

> > > nada put me in, and

> > > > helped me to feel enough self-respect and

> > > confidence to have this

> > > conversation the way it

> > > > needed to be had. They say we teach people how

> to

> > > treat us...I am

> > > learning how that

> > > > works, I guess. So I again cannot thank

> everyone

> > > enough for the

> > > outpouring of support I

> > > > received on this issue.

> > > >

> > > > Charlie H.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > Yahoo! Music Unlimited

> > Access over 1 million songs.

> > http://music.yahoo.com/unlimited

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________