Re: Wanting to talk w/ others who have hermit nadas/fadas...

[Guest guest]

Anne,

Why do you want contact with her?

KW

>

>Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

>To: WTOAdultChildren1

>Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have hermit

>nadas/fadas...

>Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

>

>Hi all,

>Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I learn to

>cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

>angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them. I'm

>N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

>contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving away. I

>haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still alive

>through her conservator (court-appointed).

>Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

>Anne

>

>

>

>

>Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

>@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

>THE GROUP.

>

>To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

>() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the

>Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth)

>which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

>From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

>and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Anne,

My mother is a hermit/witch too, so I understand what you're going through.

I've been n/c for many years, but I know if she's ever stopped talking to me

for a real or imagined slight (mine used to punish me with silence too) I

would have moved heaven and earth to get her back at one point in my life.

I want you to try and see this as an opportunity, however. You might just

have nice holidays. If you manage to get in touch with her, she'll only

torture you. And anyway... I doubt she will let the holidays pass without

contacting you. After all, it's no fun for a nada to suffer if no one is

watching. I went n/c many times before it finally stuck. Once when she

thought it had gone on long enough, she called to tell me that a friend of

mine was spreading a story around our tiny little town that nada was so bad

her own *daughter* didn't like her. She just wanted to do me a favor and

let me know that his woman was gossiping and was not my " true " friend. How

selfless of her! Stop and think about all the levels she 'got me' on with

that one statement.

I would urge you not to let your guilt get the better of you. If she's

ignoring you, and you're trying to get her to respond, she's got you where

she wants you and is enjoying herself. Does yours get an evil smile on her

face when she's got you hopping? Try not to let your guilt overwhelm you.

You are a grown woman. What your mother wants and needs is no longer your

main priority.

Good luck! I will be rooting for you.

Liz

>

> Hi all,

> Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I learn to

> cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them. I'm

> N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving away. I

> haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still alive

> through her conservator (court-appointed).

> Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> Anne

>

> __._,_._

>

[Guest guest]

Anne, you so have my sympathies!! My nada's a hermit/witch/queen... and

whenever I see her in full " hermit mode " (which is most of the time) I really

find myself feeling so sorry for her! She has nothing and no one in her life,

except for the few relatives who are either forced to spend time with her

(including, unfortunately, me) or are too crazy themselves to find her BP

behavior disturbing...

You're probably right that the Silent Treatment is your punishment for moving

away. It's also a form of emotional abuse. My nada's done this to me

consistently throughout my life, usually whenever anything really good or major

is going on -- anything that puts me in the spotlight instead of her -- or when

I do anything that shows signs of independence (like moving.)

Her love of the Silent Treatment is also part of WHY she's a hermit -- she's

killed off 99% of the relationships she's had in her life. The saddest part is,

she's completely oblivious to the consequences of her behavior and feels totally

justified in creating and holding grudges against all these people and also

feels like a total VICTIM for finding herself so utterly alone.

I'm trying to focus on what the holiday season is really about this year --

spending time with friends and loved ones, the joy of giving (with no strings

attached!), and a sense of love and goodwill toward my fellow man.... really,

NONE of these things have anything to do with a lonely vindictive nada!

I say, why not focus your energies on making plans to ensure YOUR holiday is

special and filled with good feelings this year? That's what I'm trying to do,

anyway!

Shana

Wanting to talk w/ others who have

> hermit

> >nadas/fadas...

> >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> >

> >Hi all,

> >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

> learn to

> >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/

> them. I'm

> >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

> away. I

> >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's

> still alive

> >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> >Anne

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> >@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO

> NOT Respond ON

> >THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL

> >() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding

> the

> >Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline

> Parent,” (Roth)

> >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE

> >and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

KW,

I guess b/c I worry about her at home all by herself. She has no

support system (except the conservator) and is pretty LF. She self-

medicates & is very unhealthy. I just worry for her. Should I let

that go? I'm not sure how to do that....

Anne

>

>

> Anne,

> Why do you want contact with her?

>

> KW

>

> >

> >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >To: WTOAdultChildren1

> >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have

hermit

> >nadas/fadas...

> >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> >

> >Hi all,

> >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

learn to

> >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them.

I'm

> >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

away. I

> >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still

alive

> >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> >Anne

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> >THE GROUP.

> >

> >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

SHELL

> >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, "

(Roth)

> >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

author SWOE

> >and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

Anne,

I am so sorry for your loss of your nada. If anyone had the answer to be able

to get a BPD to take care of themselves in a healthy way, we wouldn't be here on

this board. It is really hard to accept the loss of our nada's. With the

holidays it makes it even harder at times. I can totally empathize with your

feelings. I hope you feel better soon.

All my best,

Greg.

Wanting to talk w/ others who have hermit

nadas/fadas...

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I learn to

cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them. I'm

N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving away. I

haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still alive

through her conservator (court-appointed) .

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Anne

[Guest guest]

She is where she is because she chose to be there. What do you think will

happen if you open the n/c doors? The pain and suffering on your part will

start all over. She is an adult and capable of picking up the phone to call

a therapist. If she is self medicating that is a good reason to stay n/c.

It is not your job to take of your mother. We non BPD children have taken

care of our nadas for so long that we forget to care for ourselves. The

feelings you are having I suspect are feelings of grief. You miss A mother,

not the one you had, right? The hurt feelings will mend as the holidays

pass. Stay strong. You made a choice for n/c to protect yourself. Try and

think back at WHY you made that choice.

Big hugs,

KW

>

>Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

>To: WTOAdultChildren1

>Subject: Re: Wanting to talk w/ others who have hermit

>nadas/fadas...

>Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 17:30:07 -0000

>

>KW,

>I guess b/c I worry about her at home all by herself. She has no

>support system (except the conservator) and is pretty LF. She self-

>medicates & is very unhealthy. I just worry for her. Should I let

>that go? I'm not sure how to do that....

>Anne

>

>

> >

> >

> > Anne,

> > Why do you want contact with her?

> >

> > KW

> >

> > >

> > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > >To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have

>hermit

> > >nadas/fadas...

> > >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> > >

> > >Hi all,

> > >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

>learn to

> > >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> > >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them.

>I'm

> > >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> > >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

>away. I

> > >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still

>alive

> > >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> > >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> > >Anne

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

>SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, "

>(Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

>author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

Dear Anne,

I'm going to jump in here with my two cents. This is all easy to say, I

know, and so difficult to do.

I don't blame you for worrying about your nada. After all these years, I

worry about mine too, since she is also in poor health. She still has a

couple of my sisters to help her, but I wonder if they'll even let me know

when she dies. Mine also self medicates--with food and drugs she asks my

sister to get her off the street. Picturing her there, old, depressed, sick

and lonely is awful for me and a horrible situation for her.

I try to remind myself, however, that she is the main author of this

situation. I HAD to leave or die trying to save her with her still calling

all the shots. I was already half crazy and now many years after going

completely no contact, still feel wrecked (mentally and physically) because

of dealing with the after-effects of being raised by a mentally ill woman.

You might find that as long as you have contact with her, you will be so

outwardly focused you won't pay much attention to the deeper problems your

upbringing caused.

It's so hard to choose yourself. You never have and it feels selfish and

wrong, I know. I just hope you choose yourself before you get too worn

down, too old and before you have estranged many people in your own life in

your frantic effort to see to it that your mother is okay. I did that and

am now trying to put my life back together. It would have been so much

nicer for me if I had only seen the futility of the situation with my mother

when I was younger and stronger.

I wish you so much luck in this difficult time. Please take care of

yourself--first and foremost, do that.

Liz

>

> KW,

> I guess b/c I worry about her at home all by herself. She has no

> support system (except the conservator) and is pretty LF. She self-

> medicates & is very unhealthy. I just worry for her. Should I let

> that go? I'm not sure how to do that....

> Anne

>

>

> >

> >

> > Anne,

> > Why do you want contact with her?

> >

> > KW

> >

> > >

> > >Reply-To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > >To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have

> hermit

> > >nadas/fadas...

> > >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> > >

> > >Hi all,

> > >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

> learn to

> > >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> > >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them.

> I'm

> > >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> > >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

> away. I

> > >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still

> alive

> > >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> > >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> > >Anne

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, "

> (Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >

[Guest guest]

Anne, I kind of agree with Liz in that I too often worry for both of

my parents. Part of that is that their behavior is totally

self-destructive and part of it is 2 particularly nasty fleas: 1-being

generally over worried about things (duh, easy coming from hermits)

and 2-taking WAY too much responsability for my parents's well-being.

I try to fight it a lot. Sometimes I manage to just relax and other

times not. The thing is, I am in contact with my family and I have

realized that I can kill myself coming to the rescue but that I can

never save them. And when I try, it usually just gets me in trouble.

Examples: my parents eat like they were trying to actually kill

themselves through diabetes or heart disease and when I'm home I feel

compelled to cook healthy meals. . .but that triggers my younger

brother who then calls me names and rages at me WTF?

Also, in terms of financial decisions. . .god, I don't even want to

get into their stupid financial decisions. Just believe me, being in

contact and even offering advice and help (at your own risk!) doesn't

mean that your nada or other foo-members will not keep right on acting

like maniacs!

SAVE YOURSELF! You're the only one you can save. If your nada's like

mine, she'll be sick whether you try to help or whether you just live

your own life.

Trish

> > >

> > >

> > > Anne,

> > > Why do you want contact with her?

> > >

> > > KW

> > >

> > > >From: " charlottes_mommy8 " <charlottes_mommy8@>

> > > >Reply-To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > > >To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > > >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have

> > hermit

> > > >nadas/fadas...

> > > >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> > > >

> > > >Hi all,

> > > >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

> > learn to

> > > >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a little

> > > >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/ them.

> > I'm

> > > >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts to

> > > >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

> > away. I

> > > >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's still

> > alive

> > > >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> > > >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> > > >Anne

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > > >THE GROUP.

> > > >

> > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> > SHELL

> > > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> > > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, "

> > (Roth)

> > > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > > >

> > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> > author SWOE

> > > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Yes -- I completely agree with Liz and KW: Your mother has put

herself where she is. She is responsible for building the life

she's in now. You can't save people from themselves. It's a sad

fact of life. The sooner we accept that and turn our attention

toward our own lives, and the people that want to have healthy

relationships with us, the better.

It's sad, but it's not yours to fix. Accepting that will help you

see the sadness for what it is and move on.

-Kyla

> > >

> > >

> > > Anne,

> > > Why do you want contact with her?

> > >

> > > KW

> > >

> > > >From: " charlottes_mommy8 " <charlottes_mommy8@>

> > > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > >To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who

have

> >hermit

> > > >nadas/fadas...

> > > >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> > > >

> > > >Hi all,

> > > >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

> >learn to

> > > >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a

little

> > > >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/

them.

> >I'm

> > > >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my

attempts to

> > > >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for

moving

> >away. I

> > > >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's

still

> >alive

> > > >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> > > >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> > > >Anne

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > > >THE GROUP.

> > > >

> > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-

35-

> >SHELL

> > > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the

> > > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, "

> >(Roth)

> > > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

community!

> > > >

> > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> >author SWOE

> > > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I had another thought as I re-read your post: Don't forget that

BPDs are master manipulators. And what better manipulator than a

pitiful old lady with no support system?

Only, if you look closer, that lady played her hand so that it would

come to that. Ending up without support is by design. Most normal

people can see that coming a long way down the road. The BPD just

conveniently ignores preparing for their future so that it forces a

squeeze play -- they can see which relative comes running to fill

the void that they have created. Manipulation, pure and simple.

They know they're taking a risk that NO ONE will come, but they're

willing to be someone will.

My grandnada is doing the same thing to my nada -- conveniently not

hiring people to help take care of her. Making her the pitiful, all

alone old lady. Then, Nada rushes to her side. They feed off each

other, actually. One wants free medical care, the other is addicted

to drama. Quite the perfect pair.

-Kyla

> >

> >

> > Anne,

> > Why do you want contact with her?

> >

> > KW

> >

> > >From: " charlottes_mommy8 " <charlottes_mommy8@>

> > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > >To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > >Subject: Wanting to talk w/ others who have

> hermit

> > >nadas/fadas...

> > >Date: Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:21:04 -0000

> > >

> > >Hi all,

> > >Just wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me as I

> learn to

> > >cope w/ my hermit nada. I'm feeling very sad, worried, and a

little

> > >angry as the holidays approach & all the junk that goes w/

them.

> I'm

> > >N/C with my nada, but it's b/c she won't respond to my attempts

to

> > >contact her. I think this is her way of punishing me for moving

> away. I

> > >haven't heard from her in about 7 months & only know she's

still

> alive

> > >through her conservator (court-appointed).

> > >Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

> > >Anne

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> > >THE GROUP.

> > >

> > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-

> SHELL

> > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding

the

> > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline

Parent, "

> (Roth)

> > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO

community!

> > >

> > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and

> author SWOE

> > >and the SWOE Workbook.

> > >