Re: from a lurker

[Guest guest]

WTH,

OK This is just really weird. I have never heard of such a

situation before, quite honestly.

I think you said it best. You should not feel bad about telling

this woman to leave you alone. You should not feel bad about trying

to put a stop to her weird encounters, nor asking help with that at

work.

You HAVE to gain control of this situation. Tell her " LOOK LADY, I

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR DEAL IS, BUT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, AND I DO NOT

OWE YOU AN APOLOGY OR AN EXPLANATION OR ANYTHING ELSE. LEAVE ME

ALONE. IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE LEGAL

ACTION TO FORCE YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? "

Also, you totally should enlist friends and co-workers as support

for this assertion, as well as as witnesses to her inappropriate and

wacko behavior. I don't care if she is gay and in love with you,

unless you have left out a significant portion of the story she is

crazy. And what she said to your friend " Is that your name " , are

you kidding me? I would have been like " Excuse me? Who the h#$l do

you think you are? Don't talk to my friend like that! " I wish I

was your friend, I would have kicked this woman's A*s for you!

You can do it, you have to make this woman stop bullying you!!

Seriously, this kind of stuff is totally uncalled for from anyone,

but especially from some stranger who you barely know! If you are a

KO you certainly have more than enough weirdness to deal with

already. Get rid of this wacko!!!!

Good luck.

>

> Good morning everyone

> I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from

this email list. Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the

internet.

> I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at

work. She doesn't work in the same department as me, but I see her

everywhere and she really wants to get close to me. It makes me

espcially uncomfortable that I see her everywhere but work, and I

don't think just because I work with you makes it necessary to be

friends. She also did some obnoxious things, where she talked about

me at work and I complained about it, and it took an incredible

amount of energy for me to stand up for myself, and it was the right

thing to do. This made her leave me alone for a while, which was

nice and good. Yesterday, I ran into her at the gym of all places.

I had taken a gym class with a true friend of mine, and after the

class the two of us were standing in the hall talking, and we were

wearing our sweaty gym clothes.

> This woman from work came out of the class room (I hadn't

noticed she was in the class at all) and said my name in a

commanding way. My friend turned around and this woman said to

her " is that your name? " This woman totally pushed her way into our

conversation and my friend left to go to the locker room and

shower. This woman cornered me and started crying and telling me I

had ruined her relationships with people at work and everything is

so hard, and she was willing to " forgive " me for having said what I

said (which was really standing up for myself in a constructive way).

> I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes,

but I do need boundaries, especially since it feels like you want to

be involved with me all over town and I don't feel comfortable.

> After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she

made me, FORCED me to apologize for having stood up for myself. The

way that she cornered me in a vulnerable moment (in sweaty gym

clothes, tired after a gym class) scares me. I couldn't sleep last

night, I was so angry. I think she might be a BP, why else would

she torment me so much?

> What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough that

I told her yesterday, look I have a hard time setting boundaries and

I need you to give me some space?

> I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in

front of other people.

>

> Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked how

that woman had just interrupted us and sent her away.

> I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also

possible that I was wrong to set a boundary, that I was too harsh in

asking other people at work to help me deal with it. But I can't

tell. It could also be that I did a good thing by setting this

boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I see this as a KO

problem because she managed to make me feel bad about setting a

boundary.

> I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least engagin

me in this really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is hitting on

me, but I think it's more likely she is BP or something,

narcissistic, I don't know, but that would make sense why I can't

seem to break this connection with her, because she just has power

over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and said " this is not a

good time, I am here with my friend, we could talk another time " but

I couldn't. She overpowers me. What do I do?

>

> Thanks.

> WTH.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

WTH,

OK This is just really weird. I have never heard of such a

situation before, quite honestly.

I think you said it best. You should not feel bad about telling

this woman to leave you alone. You should not feel bad about trying

to put a stop to her weird encounters, nor asking help with that at

work.

You HAVE to gain control of this situation. Tell her " LOOK LADY, I

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR DEAL IS, BUT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, AND I DO NOT

OWE YOU AN APOLOGY OR AN EXPLANATION OR ANYTHING ELSE. LEAVE ME

ALONE. IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE, I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE LEGAL

ACTION TO FORCE YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? "

Also, you totally should enlist friends and co-workers as support

for this assertion, as well as as witnesses to her inappropriate and

wacko behavior. I don't care if she is gay and in love with you,

unless you have left out a significant portion of the story she is

crazy. And what she said to your friend " Is that your name " , are

you kidding me? I would have been like " Excuse me? Who the h#$l do

you think you are? Don't talk to my friend like that! " I wish I

was your friend, I would have kicked this woman's A*s for you!

You can do it, you have to make this woman stop bullying you!!

Seriously, this kind of stuff is totally uncalled for from anyone,

but especially from some stranger who you barely know! If you are a

KO you certainly have more than enough weirdness to deal with

already. Get rid of this wacko!!!!

Good luck.

>

> Good morning everyone

> I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from

this email list. Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the

internet.

> I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at

work. She doesn't work in the same department as me, but I see her

everywhere and she really wants to get close to me. It makes me

espcially uncomfortable that I see her everywhere but work, and I

don't think just because I work with you makes it necessary to be

friends. She also did some obnoxious things, where she talked about

me at work and I complained about it, and it took an incredible

amount of energy for me to stand up for myself, and it was the right

thing to do. This made her leave me alone for a while, which was

nice and good. Yesterday, I ran into her at the gym of all places.

I had taken a gym class with a true friend of mine, and after the

class the two of us were standing in the hall talking, and we were

wearing our sweaty gym clothes.

> This woman from work came out of the class room (I hadn't

noticed she was in the class at all) and said my name in a

commanding way. My friend turned around and this woman said to

her " is that your name? " This woman totally pushed her way into our

conversation and my friend left to go to the locker room and

shower. This woman cornered me and started crying and telling me I

had ruined her relationships with people at work and everything is

so hard, and she was willing to " forgive " me for having said what I

said (which was really standing up for myself in a constructive way).

> I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes,

but I do need boundaries, especially since it feels like you want to

be involved with me all over town and I don't feel comfortable.

> After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she

made me, FORCED me to apologize for having stood up for myself. The

way that she cornered me in a vulnerable moment (in sweaty gym

clothes, tired after a gym class) scares me. I couldn't sleep last

night, I was so angry. I think she might be a BP, why else would

she torment me so much?

> What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough that

I told her yesterday, look I have a hard time setting boundaries and

I need you to give me some space?

> I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in

front of other people.

>

> Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked how

that woman had just interrupted us and sent her away.

> I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also

possible that I was wrong to set a boundary, that I was too harsh in

asking other people at work to help me deal with it. But I can't

tell. It could also be that I did a good thing by setting this

boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I see this as a KO

problem because she managed to make me feel bad about setting a

boundary.

> I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least engagin

me in this really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is hitting on

me, but I think it's more likely she is BP or something,

narcissistic, I don't know, but that would make sense why I can't

seem to break this connection with her, because she just has power

over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and said " this is not a

good time, I am here with my friend, we could talk another time " but

I couldn't. She overpowers me. What do I do?

>

> Thanks.

> WTH.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

WTH,

You have to be strong. You have to tell this woman forcefully to

leave you alone!!! Just say it straight out " I don't know what

your deal is, but you are NOT my friend, and I don't owe you

apologies or explanations. If you don't leave me alone I will take

legal action to FORCE YOU to leave me alone. Do not talk to me, do

not contact me, do not even LOOK at me!!! "

Get your co-workers and friends to back you up and also to witness

her strange behavior. Document every incident and call the cops if

she continues to harass you. Seriously!

You can't let her scare you. This kind of stuff is totally uncalled

for, esp. from a virtual stranger. If you are a KO then you already

have enough crap to deal with.

Foreal, this is the weirdest situation I have heard of in a while.

I don't care if she is gay and in love with you, unless you left

alot out of this story, she is WACKO, and I am not even sure BP

covers her weirdness. And for that matter if I were the friend to

whom she said " is that your name? " she would have gotten a real

talking to from me. Who the heck does she think she is anyways?

You gotta get fired up about this one and defend yourself or she

will steamroll you, girl. Find someone fiesty to talk to and GET

MAD! Then go confront her (reverse the roles and throw her off

guard) when she isn't expecting it and tell her off! That stuff she

pulled on you at the gym is out of control and she needs to be told.

Good luck

>

> Good morning everyone

> I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from

this email list. Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the

internet.

> I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at

work. She doesn't work in the same department as me, but I see her

everywhere and she really wants to get close to me. It makes me

espcially uncomfortable that I see her everywhere but work, and I

don't think just because I work with you makes it necessary to be

friends. She also did some obnoxious things, where she talked about

me at work and I complained about it, and it took an incredible

amount of energy for me to stand up for myself, and it was the right

thing to do. This made her leave me alone for a while, which was

nice and good. Yesterday, I ran into her at the gym of all places.

I had taken a gym class with a true friend of mine, and after the

class the two of us were standing in the hall talking, and we were

wearing our sweaty gym clothes.

> This woman from work came out of the class room (I hadn't

noticed she was in the class at all) and said my name in a

commanding way. My friend turned around and this woman said to

her " is that your name? " This woman totally pushed her way into our

conversation and my friend left to go to the locker room and

shower. This woman cornered me and started crying and telling me I

had ruined her relationships with people at work and everything is

so hard, and she was willing to " forgive " me for having said what I

said (which was really standing up for myself in a constructive way).

> I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes,

but I do need boundaries, especially since it feels like you want to

be involved with me all over town and I don't feel comfortable.

> After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she

made me, FORCED me to apologize for having stood up for myself. The

way that she cornered me in a vulnerable moment (in sweaty gym

clothes, tired after a gym class) scares me. I couldn't sleep last

night, I was so angry. I think she might be a BP, why else would

she torment me so much?

> What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough that

I told her yesterday, look I have a hard time setting boundaries and

I need you to give me some space?

> I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in

front of other people.

>

> Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked how

that woman had just interrupted us and sent her away.

> I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also

possible that I was wrong to set a boundary, that I was too harsh in

asking other people at work to help me deal with it. But I can't

tell. It could also be that I did a good thing by setting this

boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I see this as a KO

problem because she managed to make me feel bad about setting a

boundary.

> I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least engagin

me in this really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is hitting on

me, but I think it's more likely she is BP or something,

narcissistic, I don't know, but that would make sense why I can't

seem to break this connection with her, because she just has power

over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and said " this is not a

good time, I am here with my friend, we could talk another time " but

I couldn't. She overpowers me. What do I do?

>

> Thanks.

> WTH.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

WTH,

Does this woman have authority over you? if so, get a new job. I agree with

you 110% that this is a KO issue. It is great taht you set a boundry with her.

What brought a red flag to me was that you asked other people to set the boundry

with you. Setting boundaries is about protecting your personal space. It means

finding the courage to set the boundary for you, not anyone else. The other KO

issue that caught my eye is that you kept writing " she makes me feel....... "

" She made me apologize to everyone.. " Nobody makes us feel anything, unless

they have a gun to our head or physically threat us. She did threaten you

physically by cornering you. I had a boss do that, and in the end, I could have

sued the hell out of the company. But I like my job and she was fired. She was

one of my bosses = Director of Human Resources of all things! Feelings are

generated by thoughts. There is always a thought the precedes a feeling. I

think that it would be very helpful for you

to identify in writing in your journal what thoughts preceed these feelings.

Like when she cornered you in the locker room, the thougth might have been, " Oh

MY GOD!! I'M GOING TO BE ATTACKED!! " then you had the protective anger to

defend yourself and the emotion fear to tell you this is dangerous. I think

that the reason she is stalking you is b/c she senses that you are easy prey,

b/c your parents set you up for this, much like a pedeofile does with children.

The other thing is that the work environment is a different playing field, with

different rules, than in our personal lives. In some ways it does mirror it,

but ultimately you have a boss and coworkers. It is essential to have

boundaries every where, and the language changes to enforce those boundaries

according to the environment. You could go to HR and report this. You also

could report it to the police as it took place outside of work. However, this

woman sounds dangerous to me. She is looking for a

target and has found you. I say that because you mentioned that you see her

more outside of work than at work. I would find another job and let her find

another target. Your life is much more important than a job. I'm glad that you

brought this up, WTH. You are not alone.

Protect yourself and all my good thoughts are with you,

Greg.

from a lurker

Good morning everyone

I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from this email list.

Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the internet.

I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at work. She doesn't

work in the same department as me, but I see her everywhere and she really wants

to get close to me. It makes me espcially uncomfortable that I see her

everywhere but work, and I don't think just because I work with you makes it

necessary to be friends. She also did some obnoxious things, where she talked

about me at work and I complained about it, and it took an incredible amount of

energy for me to stand up for myself, and it was the right thing to do. This

made her leave me alone for a while, which was nice and good. Yesterday, I ran

into her at the gym of all places. I had taken a gym class with a true friend of

mine, and after the class the two of us were standing in the hall talking, and

we were wearing our sweaty gym clothes.

This woman from work came out of the class room (I hadn't noticed she was in the

class at all) and said my name in a commanding way. My friend turned around and

this woman said to her " is that your name? " This woman totally pushed her way

into our conversation and my friend left to go to the locker room and shower.

This woman cornered me and started crying and telling me I had ruined her

relationships with people at work and everything is so hard, and she was willing

to " forgive " me for having said what I said (which was really standing up for

myself in a constructive way).

I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes, but I do need

boundaries, especially since it feels like you want to be involved with me all

over town and I don't feel comfortable.

After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she made me, FORCED

me to apologize for having stood up for myself. The way that she cornered me in

a vulnerable moment (in sweaty gym clothes, tired after a gym class) scares me.

I couldn't sleep last night, I was so angry. I think she might be a BP, why else

would she torment me so much?

What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough that I told her

yesterday, look I have a hard time setting boundaries and I need you to give me

some space?

I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in front of other

people.

Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked how that woman had

just interrupted us and sent her away.

I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also possible that I was

wrong to set a boundary, that I was too harsh in asking other people at work to

help me deal with it. But I can't tell. It could also be that I did a good thing

by setting this boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I see this as a KO

problem because she managed to make me feel bad about setting a boundary.

I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least engagin me in this

really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is hitting on me, but I think it's

more likely she is BP or something, narcissistic, I don't know, but that would

make sense why I can't seem to break this connection with her, because she just

has power over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and said " this is not a

good time, I am here with my friend, we could talk another time " but I couldn't.

She overpowers me. What do I do?

Thanks.

WTH.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

[Guest guest]

Hi WTH,

Lurkers-R-Us ... untill something 'triggers' us to venture into the daylight.

You have run HEAD ON into an aggressive, BP woman. RUNnnnnnnnnnnnn. Do not

allow this woman to define who you are; and don't put up with her stalking

you ... yes, stalking you. Hugs, Carol

In a message dated 11/3/2006 10:16:19 AM Eastern Standard Time,

walkingto_happiness@... writes:

Good morning everyone

I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from this email

list. Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the internet.

I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at work. She

doesn't work in the same department as me, but I see her everywhere and she

really wants to get close to me. It makes me espcially uncomfortable that I

see

her everywhere but work, and I don't think just because I work with you makes

it necessary to be friends. She also did some obnoxious things, where she

talked about me at work and I complained about it, and it took an incredible

amount of energy for me to stand up for myself, and it was the right thing to

do. This made her leave me alone for a while, which was nice and good.

Yesterday, I ran into her at the gym of all places. I had taken a gym class

with a

true friend of mine, and after the class the two of us were standing in the

hall talking, and we were wearing our sweaty gym clothes.

This woman from work came out of the class room (I hadn't noticed she was in

the class at all) and said my name in a commanding way. My friend turned

around and this woman said to her " is that your name? " This woman totally

pushed her way into our conversation and my friend left to go to the locker

room

and shower. This woman cornered me and started crying and telling me I had

ruined her relationships with people at work and everything is so hard, and she

was willing to " forgive " me for having said what I said (which was really

standing up for myself in a constructive way).

I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes, but I do need

boundaries, especially since it feels like you want to be involved with me

all over town and I don't feel comfortable.

After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she made me,

FORCED me to apologize for having stood up for myself. The way that she

cornered

me in a vulnerable moment (in sweaty gym clothes, tired after a gym class)

scares me. I couldn't sleep last night, I was so angry. I think she might be

a BP, why else would she torment me so much?

What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough that I told her

yesterday, look I have a hard time setting boundaries and I need you to give

me some space?

I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in front of other

people.

Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked how that woman

had just interrupted us and sent her away.

I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also possible that I

was wrong to set a boundary, that I was too harsh in asking other people at

work to help me deal with it. But I can't tell. It could also be that I did

a good thing by setting this boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I

see this as a KO problem because she managed to make me feel bad about

setting a boundary.

I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least engagin me in this

really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is hitting on me, but I think it's

more likely she is BP or something, narcissistic, I don't know, but that

would make sense why I can't seem to break this connection with her, because

she

just has power over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and said " this is

not a good time, I am here with my friend, we could talk another time " but I

couldn't. She overpowers me. What do I do?

Thanks.

WTH.

[Guest guest]

WTH, please don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to immediately come

up with a perfect response to some very odd and abusive behavior! I really

think you might be right that this woman has some kind of disorder -- hard to

say if it's BPD or NPD or what the heck is going on with her!

But whatever her problem is, she's acting out with you and you don't like it. I

think you came up with a good response at the close of your post -- " this is not

a good time " -- and I'd suggest just being very firm with her in the future and

immediately ending any conversations or contact she tries to have with you.

I think you were being kind and compassionate in trying to explain to her your

difficulty with (and need for) boundaries -- but she might not be able to

understand what that means! And even if she can understand it, she might not be

able to control herself enough to honor your request for more space.

Remember that you can't change or control her behavior -- you can only control

yourself. You don't need HER permission, understanding or agreement in setting

boundaries for yourself --YOU have the power to make that decision on your own,

and stick to it anytime she pops up! If you refuse to engage with her, she

might get frustrated enough to leave you alone -- or, she might not -- but you

really don't have to let this woman have another conversation with you, ever

again!

Personally, I believe people like this are brought into our lives for a reason,

to teach us lessons -- it sounds like this is a great opportunity for you to

face some KO triggers and to practice setting and enforcing boundaries for

yourself.

Stay strong -- you can do it!

Shana

from a lurker

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Good morning everyone

> I have been lurking for a while and I get so much wisodm from

> this email list. Sometimes I feel scared about posting on the

> internet.

> I have problem, well it's about boundaries and this woman at

> work. She doesn't work in the same department as me, but I see

> her everywhere and she really wants to get close to me. It

> makes me espcially uncomfortable that I see her everywhere but

> work, and I don't think just because I work with you makes it

> necessary to be friends. She also did some obnoxious things,

> where she talked about me at work and I complained about it, and

> it took an incredible amount of energy for me to stand up for

> myself, and it was the right thing to do. This made her leave

> me alone for a while, which was nice and good. Yesterday, I ran

> into her at the gym of all places. I had taken a gym class with

> a true friend of mine, and after the class the two of us were

> standing in the hall talking, and we were wearing our sweaty gym

> clothes. This woman from work came out of the class room (I

> hadn't noticed she was in the class at all) and said my name in

> a commanding way. My friend turned around and this woman said to

> her " is that your name? " This woman totally pushed her way into

> our conversation and my friend left to go to the locker room and

> shower. This woman cornered me and started crying and telling

> me I had ruined her relationships with people at work and

> everything is so hard, and she was willing to " forgive " me for

> having said what I said (which was really standing up for myself

> in a constructive way).

> I told her, look I have trouble setting boundaries sometimes,

> but I do need boundaries, especially since it feels like you

> want to be involved with me all over town and I don't feel

> comfortable.

> After the conversation, I felt so bad about myself because she

> made me, FORCED me to apologize for having stood up for myself.

> The way that she cornered me in a vulnerable moment (in sweaty

> gym clothes, tired after a gym class) scares me. I couldn't

> sleep last night, I was so angry. I think she might be a BP,

> why else would she torment me so much?

> What do I do to set boundaries? Do you think it was enough

> that I told her yesterday, look I have a hard time setting

> boundaries and I need you to give me some space?

> I don't know, it's so wierd, because she never says things in

> front of other people.

>

> Afterwards, in the locker room, my friend was totally shocked

> how that woman had just interrupted us and sent her away.

> I wish I never had to deal with this woman again. It's also

> possible that I was wrong to set a boundary, that I was too

> harsh in asking other people at work to help me deal with it.

> But I can't tell. It could also be that I did a good thing by

> setting this boundary and she doesn't want to respect it. I see

> this as a KO problem because she managed to make me feel bad

> about setting a boundary.

> I wish she would just stop talking with me, or at least

> engagin me in this really emotional way. Maybe she's gay and is

> hitting on me, but I think it's more likely she is BP or

> something, narcissistic, I don't know, but that would make sense

> why I can't seem to break this connection with her, because she

> just has power over me. I wish I had just stood up to her and

> said " this is not a good time, I am here with my friend, we

> could talk another time " but I couldn't. She overpowers me.

> What do I do?

>

> Thanks.

> WTH.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

You could go to HR and report this. You also could report it to the police as it

took place outside of work...............I support going to HR and reporting her

actions and also to the police. State you want to make a formal complaint so

there will be a record of the incidents. This is scary

However, this woman sounds dangerous to me. She is looking for a target and

has found you......................this is VERY scary

I say that because you mentioned that you see her more outside of work than at

work. ..................this sounds like stalking to me

I would find another job and let her find another target. Your life is much

more important than a job. ................if she is stalking you outside of

work, changing jobs doesn't look like the confrontations will stop.

Please take steps to protect yourself. I would be very concerned if this

person was in my life. Take care, dekas

[Guest guest]

Shana,Carol, Greg, and --

It takes me a long time to catch up on emails--part of not taking care of

myself. But I finally read these posts, and I thank you all for this advice.

Mainly your replies made me realize that I need to take my fears seriously.

I just saw her on Sunday, at a public event I went to. She came and stood

really close to me, and then just stood there and stared at me for a long time.

I and the friend I was with, we moved away, but it made me feel like I didn't

have a right to be there. It scared me, and made me not enjoy the event for

about 15 minutes as my mind freaked out-- I think in those moments when my mind

freaks out I feel like I don't deserve to exist. It is really hard for me to

stand up for myself, in a case like this.

It is timely that I read your posts right now, because what I did was I

emailed her boss, and detailed the gym class incident and then detailed how she

made me feel at the event on Sunday. I don't know if that is professional or

if I come across as whiny, but your posts made me take my feelings seriously.

This boss helped me last time, because he had a meeting with her and documented

it, and I feel like from gossip at work, a lot of other people have problems

with her, and they were relieved that someone had spoken up. So, thanks for the

validation. I need to believe my feelings and believe that I have a right to

stand up for myself. I have a right to be out in public and not have all the

wierd psychos in the world clump themselves onto me.

This is such a big part of my healing process, to move towards healthy people

and move away from all the crazy ones. I have spent most of my life giving up

my existence to care for the crazies, and so much of my healing process is

kicking the crazies out of my life. Only a few days ago did I realize I have a

RIGHT to say yes and no to whatever experiences I want in my life. I do not

have to be a doormat, like my FOO raised me to be. THis is 3 and a half decades

of conditioning I am undoing, by standing up for myself.

But, that feeling I had when she came to stand close to on sunday and stared

right in my eyes, that feelling was so chilling, and I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to

feel like that again. I refuse to feel like that Again. I CHOOSE to not feel

like that again. If I have to go to the police and say this woman is stalking

me, so be it, the police are there to protect us citizens. I do not need to

fear standing up for myself.

Does anyone else struggle with owning the right to not feel intimidated by

crazies? Does anyone else struggle to reach out and get the help you need?

I wish I could just yell at this woman next time I see her, or better yet

punch her. It would be self defense, I have now documented these incidents and

sent them to her boss. Instead, my response in a REALLY THREATENING SITUATION

is the doormat response. Help!

Thank you all

Walking to happiness.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Walking,

I also used to " struggle with owning the right to not

feel intimidated by crazies. " You sound as if you're

in a growing, searching, strengthening place. I

remember being there. I learned more, continued

getting help, kept getting stronger and kept

unlearning behaviors that weren't working for me

anymore (some things never change, sigh). I've made a

lot of those changes and you will, too. Keep going.

Keep posting. Keep coming back.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- walkingto happiness

wrote:

>

> Shana,Carol, Greg, and --

>

> It takes me a long time to catch up on

> emails--part of not taking care of myself. But I

> finally read these posts, and I thank you all for

> this advice. Mainly your replies made me realize

> that I need to take my fears seriously.

>

> I just saw her on Sunday, at a public event I went

> to. She came and stood really close to me, and then

> just stood there and stared at me for a long time.

> I and the friend I was with, we moved away, but it

> made me feel like I didn't have a right to be

> there. It scared me, and made me not enjoy the

> event for about 15 minutes as my mind freaked out--

> I think in those moments when my mind freaks out I

> feel like I don't deserve to exist. It is really

> hard for me to stand up for myself, in a case like

> this.

>

> It is timely that I read your posts right now,

> because what I did was I emailed her boss, and

> detailed the gym class incident and then detailed

> how she made me feel at the event on Sunday. I

> don't know if that is professional or if I come

> across as whiny, but your posts made me take my

> feelings seriously. This boss helped me last time,

> because he had a meeting with her and documented it,

> and I feel like from gossip at work, a lot of other

> people have problems with her, and they were

> relieved that someone had spoken up. So, thanks for

> the validation. I need to believe my feelings and

> believe that I have a right to stand up for myself.

> I have a right to be out in public and not have all

> the wierd psychos in the world clump themselves onto

> me.

>

> This is such a big part of my healing process, to

> move towards healthy people and move away from all

> the crazy ones. I have spent most of my life giving

> up my existence to care for the crazies, and so much

> of my healing process is kicking the crazies out of

> my life. Only a few days ago did I realize I have a

> RIGHT to say yes and no to whatever experiences I

> want in my life. I do not have to be a doormat,

> like my FOO raised me to be. THis is 3 and a half

> decades of conditioning I am undoing, by standing up

> for myself.

>

> But, that feeling I had when she came to stand

> close to on sunday and stared right in my eyes,

> that feelling was so chilling, and I NEVER NEVER

> NEVER want to feel like that again. I refuse to feel

> like that Again. I CHOOSE to not feel like that

> again. If I have to go to the police and say this

> woman is stalking me, so be it, the police are there

> to protect us citizens. I do not need to fear

> standing up for myself.

>

> Does anyone else struggle with owning the right to

> not feel intimidated by crazies? Does anyone else

> struggle to reach out and get the help you need?

>

> I wish I could just yell at this woman next time I

> see her, or better yet punch her. It would be self

> defense, I have now documented these incidents and

> sent them to her boss. Instead, my response in a

> REALLY THREATENING SITUATION is the doormat

> response. Help!

>

> Thank you all

> Walking to happiness.

>

> __________________________________________________

>