A No Fog Zone game

[Guest guest]

Ok....so I'm not sure how many of you out there have children, but I wanted

to share this little " game " that we implemented last month in my house. (My

kids are 15 and 13...so it may need to be tweaked for younger children.) It

was something I came up with, and quite frankly, I'm shocked that it worked

at all...let alone work so well. One of the biggest obstacles that we have

faced with both my parents and my husband's parents is manipulation via FOG.

...during one of our little family meetings, I noticed that " they make me

feel guilty " kept coming up. So we declared war on FOG in our house. We

hung a large sign on our refridgerator with the word FOG inside a large red

circle with a line through it. Then, we took a large empty jar and taped a

smaller sign of the same thing on it. Next, we divided up some poker chips

(we only use the red ones now). The rule of the game is simple. No

manipulation by fear, obligation or guilt. If, at any time you start to

feel like someone is doing so, you stop the conversation, hand the person a

poker chip and simply state how you feel and why. The poker chip is a

conversation ender. At the conclusion of dinner we go around the table and

see how many of us have FOG chips that have been dealt to us. We drop the

chip in the jar, and explain how we could have said it differently without

hurting the other person's feelings. (At one point, we even had punishments

for whomever had the most....I don't recommend that.) This does a couple of

things...first and foremost, it provides enlightenment for my children for

them to recognize the FOG. Additionally, for the person who is being

manipulated, it gives them a reason to stop the conversation and express how

they are feeling without worrying about the other person's feelings. It

gives us each an arena to point out the behavior without fear of anger or

resentment. By handing over the poker chip, you are in effect, handing the

negativity BACK to the person and making them own it. For the person who

is using the FOG, it makes us accountable for our actions. I was surprised

how many times I was handed a fog chip....we all do it....until people point

it out to us, you really won't realize how many times you do.(It is actually

the basis for advertisement...think about that the next time you watch a

commercial) My very first fog chip was handed to me by my youngest daughter

....I yelled up the stairs " you need to come down here for dinner, we are all

down here waiting for you and dinner is getting cold! " Without saying a

word, she came down the stairs and simply handed me a chip. I was shocked!

I asked her how she felt, and she said " that made me feel both obligation

and guilt, and that is against the rules. " The very next day, she nailed me

again when I playfully announced " no....that's ok...if you don't feel like

helping me you don't have to....I guess when I am finished I won't feel like

doing something you want either. " I was totally messing with her because I

had her on the bed and was tickeling her when I said it. Talk about a wake

up call.

After only about a month of the 4 of us handing poker chips back and forth,

I have noticed a REMARKABLE change in the entire family. My children are

very quick to recognize the FOG outside of our family circle now, and simply

will not respond to it anymore. My 13 year old has called out her

grandfather TWICE now. She will simply say " when you are ready to speak to

me without trying to manipulate me, call me back " and she will hang up.

Both my husband and I have totally changed how we talk to the kids now. We

spend a bit more time thinking about what we say before we say it. Just

last week, my older daughter requested that we have the holidays at our

house.... " because FOG isn't allowed here, and it will make the holidays

happier. " What a fabulous gift....to end the cycle and give my children the

protection that I never had. The fact that they feel protected here was the

most precious gift of all.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny