Guest guest Posted November 7, 2006 Report Share Posted November 7, 2006 I can relate, Kyla. With my parents it goes like this: we have contact, a phone call or visit; after that, I put off the next contact for as long as I can manage the guilt. Nada will always call the next day, having forgotten to mention something. I won't call back because, well, I've had enough of her for while. She'll try again-- I don't return it. Then the dishrag starts his calling--he tries to sound light and funny in the messages he leaves, but there is a palpable undertone of annoyance--always annoyance. I have boiled it down to this: I create some distance; nada starts acting out; dishrag doesn't want to deal with her and thinks I'm the problem. It sucks, Kyla. And I can empathize with any efforts to explain your point of view. They want you back in line--in the line, the chalkline of the FOO. That's the " ideal " , that's the " right " place, the picture of " health " . But not for you. Not for me. And there is a very necessary letting go of whatever fantasies we as KO's hold that the FOO can get healthy and be what we once desperately needed it to be. Detachment, indeed. Honor thy self. > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting deeply " > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime I've > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. This > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to walk > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, neither > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the exit to > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet he > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to cultivate > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the finger > of blame at me. > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit reacting > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. That's > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. I'm > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- wish > me luck.... > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2006 Report Share Posted November 7, 2006 Wow -- sounds just like my situation! Especially the dishrags trying to throw nada into our laps to save themselves some grief! You did boil it down to a predictable pattern: Distance, Acting Out, Annoyance with our " failure " to contain nada's emotional outbursts, and thus causing dishrag a problem. -- thank you -- Kyla > > I can relate, Kyla. With my parents it goes like this: we have > contact, a phone call or visit; after that, I put off the next contact > for as long as I can manage the guilt. Nada will always call the next > day, having forgotten to mention something. I won't call back because, > well, I've had enough of her for while. She'll try again-- I don't > return it. Then the dishrag starts his calling--he tries to sound > light and funny in the messages he leaves, but there is a palpable > undertone of annoyance--always annoyance. I have boiled it down to > this: I create some distance; nada starts acting out; dishrag doesn't > want to deal with her and thinks I'm the problem. > > It sucks, Kyla. And I can empathize with any efforts to explain your > point of view. They want you back in line--in the line, the chalkline > of the FOO. That's the " ideal " , that's the " right " place, the picture > of " health " . But not for you. Not for me. And there is a very > necessary letting go of whatever fantasies we as KO's hold that the > FOO can get healthy and be what we once desperately needed it to be. > > Detachment, indeed. Honor thy self. > > > > > > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting deeply " > > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime I've > > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. This > > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to walk > > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, neither > > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the exit to > > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet he > > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to cultivate > > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the finger > > of blame at me. > > > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit reacting > > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. That's > > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. I'm > > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- wish > > me luck.... > > > > -Kyla > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2006 Report Share Posted November 7, 2006 WOW... I could have written almost every word you wrote. I am amazed. I too, have been accused of " hurting them deeply, " those exact words. I " blindsighted " nada and " hurt her deeply " recently over the guardianship. They also seem to be hurt over me not calling, but they don't call either. WOW, WOW, WOW. Mine too, " ...don't want a dialogue, they want a monologue. " WOW, that statement amazes me because mine are the same way. Growing up, when we got in trouble (for ANYTHING) it was a 2-3 hour monologue by my nada about how wrong we were and what it meant. Still, she wants to do that. She can't handle dialogue b/c I stand up to her and it throws her. So she accuses me of disrespect b/c it's all she has. I still can't believe the simlarities. Good luck Friday. Grace > > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting deeply " > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime I've > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. This > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to walk > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, neither > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the exit to > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet he > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to cultivate > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the finger > of blame at me. > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit reacting > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. That's > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. I'm > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- wish > me luck.... > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 7, 2006 Report Share Posted November 7, 2006 Kyla, and Grace I guess we are all in the same boat. I for one agree with all that has been said by the 3 of you and I especially love the statement honor thy self. How wonderful. I think you do have it all boiled down and I think it is great we all stick to guns despite these lousy accusations. Htose words exactly have been used on me to. As you all know I have been n/c w/ nada for 4 ½ years but dishrag it has been on and off we are at r/c at the moment. r/c is ok w/ me I did want a break from both but I am ok w/ r/c for now w/ dishrag and n/c with nada. Nada is the one who wants it back the way it used to be. She is the one who hurts and tells how I am hurting dishrag. I just send the emails to dh and let him deal w/ all the bs why bother letting this crap sink into me. Of course she has no clue that she hurts people and thinks it is up to me to " Fix " the foo and dishrag is standing behind her! BARF! Well I totally think you guys nailed it. How brilliant and lovely all your letter were. Thanks Love Lizzy > > > > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting > deeply " > > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime > I've > > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. > This > > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to > walk > > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, neither > > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the exit > to > > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet he > > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to > cultivate > > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the > finger > > of blame at me. > > > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit > reacting > > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. That's > > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. I'm > > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- wish > > me luck.... > > > > -Kyla > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 Kyla, I'll be sending you good thoughts on Friday! Care to post more about it? Just wondering if you have a strategy in place for how to handle seeing them. Shana Dishrag keeps trying To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting > deeply " > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime > I've > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. > This > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to > walk > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, > neither > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the > exit to > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet > he > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to > cultivate > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the > finger > of blame at me. > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit > reacting > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. > That's > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. > I'm > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- > wish > me luck.... > > -Kyla > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 Sure, I have no problem posting about it -- especially here! I plan to shield myself with an aura of detachment. I'm going to smile and be gracious -- being in public is easier, I think. I don't have anything to be ashamed of, so I need to swat that feeling away when it threatens to come over me. This situation has been brought about because I refuse to rescue her. As long as I recognize that as a bonafide right of mine, I have nothing to fear. Having said that, I haven't heard from fada since I responded to his e-mail, and let him know that there's a big group of us going to the school function -- including my husband's family. Nada's not usually comfortable mixing with them, so this non-response from fada may indicate they're thinking it over. I'll let you know -- thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I'm steeling myself. It's good practice. -Kyla > > Kyla, I'll be sending you good thoughts on Friday! > > Care to post more about it? Just wondering if you have a strategy in place for how to handle seeing them. > > Shana > > Dishrag keeps trying > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Got another e-mail from dishrag telling me they are " hurting > > deeply " > > and we need to " solve these problems " -- Puhleeeeeze. Anytime > > I've > > made attempts to explain my point of view, he comes back with > > excuses and reasons for their behavior. It's always my fault. > > This > > invitation to solve the problems is just another trap for me to > > walk > > into. They don't want a dialogue -- they want a monologue. > > > > And isn't it interesting that they are both hurting so much and > > wondering why they haven't heard from me, etc....and yet, > > neither > > one has picked up the phone, and dishrag dad drives past the > > exit to > > my house every single day and doesn't bother to stop by. (Yet > > he > > calls my brother every day). What a setup -- too lazy to > > cultivate > > a relationship with their daughter, yet they want to wag the > > finger > > of blame at me. > > > > The " detachment " post that mg posted yesterday was extremely > > helpful. I think I'm finally getting it. I've got to quit > > reacting > > to his ridiculous notions that I've caused all their pain. > > That's > > the key. They're responsible for their own misery -- it's their > > possession, not mine. All of his e-mails since June have been > > chastising and I don't care for the tone they're written in. > > I'm > > not a 12 year old child anymore. > > > > I may see them this Friday at a school function for my kid -- > > wish > > me luck.... > > > > -Kyla > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2006 Report Share Posted November 14, 2006 Kyla, I have to remember that aura of detachment. I like that concept! As I started the NC process in October, I did a little ritual/prayer where I gave back each of the FOO members (nada, fada, BP sis) to God saying " I give them back to you. They are not my responsibility. They never were my responsibility. " I felt a huge wave of relief after I did that and it's definitely helped in future waves of FOO poisoning. Best to you, a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2006 Report Share Posted November 15, 2006 Very good advice, a! I am finally getting the idea that so much dysfunction is rooted in people becoming enmeshed in other peoples' " domains " , if that makes sense. Case in point: I picked up Melody Beatty's books (codependent & codependent no more, and the language of letting go), and they all center around one theme: live your own life and quit thinking you're responsible for the lives and miseries of others. Also: " Feel your own pain, deal with it, then move on -- it won't kill you. " Enjoy the good and suffer the bad, but keep going. Leave other people's problems to them. Such is life. Deal with it. After looking through those books, plus reading here, the nadas in our worlds really look like people mired in misery.....they marinate in it, they manufacture it, and they go looking for it. Update on the " school function " : fada and nada are coming this Friday (this is the 2nd weekend -- it's a school play) -- and I plan to have an " aura of detachment " !! I'll thank them for coming, be gracious, and at the end of the program, hug them again and go home. {hugs} Kyla > > Kyla, > > I have to remember that aura of detachment. I like that concept! > > As I started the NC process in October, I did a little ritual/prayer > where I gave back each of the FOO members (nada, fada, BP sis) to God > saying " I give them back to you. They are not my responsibility. > They never were my responsibility. " I felt a huge wave of relief > after I did that and it's definitely helped in future waves of FOO > poisoning. > > Best to you, > a > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2006 Report Share Posted November 15, 2006 One more thought -- When trying to assume an aura of detachment, think " Jackie Kennedy " ...... If you can hold your head up and smile when your husband's sleeping with your entire secretarial staff, that's DETACHMENT!!! LOL -- Kyla > > Kyla, > > I have to remember that aura of detachment. I like that concept! > > As I started the NC process in October, I did a little ritual/prayer > where I gave back each of the FOO members (nada, fada, BP sis) to God > saying " I give them back to you. They are not my responsibility. > They never were my responsibility. " I felt a huge wave of relief > after I did that and it's definitely helped in future waves of FOO > poisoning. > > Best to you, > a > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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