Re: I'm confussed on something?

[Guest guest]

wow, , I think if you can answer this, you are on the way to

riches! But maybe there is an answer in another question? How can

a BPD seem so normal to others? Your question and my question both

go to the ability of people to seem to be what they are not. And it

seems that we all have our moments of being fooled, by appearances

that are not what is reality.

It sounds like you sister was (and probably still is) very

depressed. It would be easy for your brother in law to take over.

He certainly didn't get any resistance.

I sometimes wonder if we can truely get away from the dysfuncional

and the codependent. There is some degree of these tendencies in

everyone. Isn't it often just a matter of degree? Could he have

dealt with all of this because he could let go of what was not his

problem to own? I would certainly file this under " Mysteries of

Life " .

Sylvia

>

>

>

>

> I am good at being able to stand back, even from myself and

> analyze a situation or person. Wasn't always this way, but am now.

>

> Here it is. My codependent sister has a husband that seem

stable

> and somewhat " normal " to me and everyone else. She married him 22

> years ago when she had 3 little kids. He did a good job for those

> not being his kids. The kids have issues, but I don't think they

> came from him?

> Found out when I was down there he basically raised them by

himself.

> He said my sister slept alot and didn't play much part in it till

> they were older. She said that was true. I am disturbed by that,

but

> that is another story. Now here is what I am confussed about. When

> your involved with a codependent person or a dysfunctional person,

> something is not right with you on some level? Dysfunction goes to

> dysfunction, right? Is there something I am not seeing? I know it

is

> very important to Janet to have everything look good from the

> outside, including her relationship with her husband. They seem to

> get along just find and it works for them. But how can a man that

> seems stable and normal have so much dysfunction around him?

>

[Guest guest]

Very good question -- I think it has to do with the thousands of

facets that make up a human being. Formed by countless experiences

going into adulthood, people tend to gravitate toward what is

comfortable.

My dishrag dad also put up with my mom sleeping in when she should

have been getting us little kids ready for school. I know he knows

it went on (he was already at work) because he later told me that he

admired how me and my brother got ourselves ready for school. (Gee,

Dad, thanks for stepping in and telling her she should be helping

us. He just stood by and kept letting the situation continue!)

Anyway -- I've found a lot of answers to this in the UBM book, when

it describes the type of man that marries the Waif, Hermit, Queen or

Witch. Like clockwork, these types find each other, generation

after generation.

They described my dishrag dad to a TEE. He gets a payoff by being

her rescuer, day after day, year after year. He was overlooked by

his dad in favor of his older brother. I guess that made him feel

invisible, unimportant. My mother, a helpless Hermit (and a good

waif, too) makes him feel like a hero.

When you were describing your brother in law, I could see my dishrag

dad. He hides from conflict, and it's just easier to ignore what's

going on and cope as best you can.

Unfortunately, as my dad was hiding from confronting my nada with

her behavior (thereby endorsing it!), he left my brother and I to

twist in the wind.

At least your brother in law did more with his stepchildren.

-K

>

>

>

>

> I am good at being able to stand back, even from myself and

> analyze a situation or person. Wasn't always this way, but am now.

>

> Here it is. My codependent sister has a husband that seem

stable

> and somewhat " normal " to me and everyone else. She married him 22

> years ago when she had 3 little kids. He did a good job for those

> not being his kids. The kids have issues, but I don't think they

> came from him?

> Found out when I was down there he basically raised them by

himself.

> He said my sister slept alot and didn't play much part in it till

> they were older. She said that was true. I am disturbed by that,

but

> that is another story. Now here is what I am confussed about. When

> your involved with a codependent person or a dysfunctional person,

> something is not right with you on some level? Dysfunction goes to

> dysfunction, right? Is there something I am not seeing? I know it

is

> very important to Janet to have everything look good from the

> outside, including her relationship with her husband. They seem to

> get along just find and it works for them. But how can a man that

> seems stable and normal have so much dysfunction around him?

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder if the fact that the children are not his, and therefore if he

left he wouldn't have any legal rights to them, might affect his

decision making? If he is a codependent type, maybe brought up caring

for a mother with depression issues, and then finds himself married to

someone with similar issues, he might really identify with the

children. Then he might be tempted to stay, not only because he loved

your sister, but because he loved the kids and wanted to be there for

them.

Just a thought. I think relationships are so complex, there is no

telling. But I suspect if he really loves those kids, it might have

something to do with it.

Fresabird

>

>

> I am good at being able to stand back, even from myself and

> analyze a situation or person. Wasn't always this way, but am now.

>

> Here it is. My codependent sister has a husband that seem stable

> and somewhat " normal " to me and everyone else. She married him 22

> years ago when she had 3 little kids. He did a good job for those

> not being his kids. The kids have issues, but I don't think they

> came from him?

> Found out when I was down there he basically raised them by himself.

> He said my sister slept alot and didn't play much part in it till

> they were older. She said that was true. I am disturbed by that, but

> that is another story. Now here is what I am confussed about. When

> your involved with a codependent person or a dysfunctional person,

> something is not right with you on some level? Dysfunction goes to

> dysfunction, right? Is there something I am not seeing? I know it is

> very important to Janet to have everything look good from the

> outside, including her relationship with her husband. They seem to

> get along just find and it works for them. But how can a man that

> seems stable and normal have so much dysfunction around him?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Why is it important to you? Just curious.

Happy New Years!!

Greg.

I'm confussed on something?

I am good at being able to stand back, even from myself and

analyze a situation or person. Wasn't always this way, but am now.

Here it is. My codependent sister has a husband that seem stable

and somewhat " normal " to me and everyone else. She married him 22

years ago when she had 3 little kids. He did a good job for those

not being his kids. The kids have issues, but I don't think they

came from him?

Found out when I was down there he basically raised them by himself.

He said my sister slept alot and didn't play much part in it till

they were older. She said that was true. I am disturbed by that, but

that is another story. Now here is what I am confussed about. When

your involved with a codependent person or a dysfunctional person,

something is not right with you on some level? Dysfunction goes to

dysfunction, right? Is there something I am not seeing? I know it is

very important to Janet to have everything look good from the

outside, including her relationship with her husband. They seem to

get along just find and it works for them. But how can a man that

seems stable and normal have so much dysfunction around him?

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