Re: Why is family so unsupportive of NC with Nada

[Guest guest]

Hi Daisy,

Yes, I have/had this problem. I really am not sure I have it any

more. I don't talk about my NC with nada with anyone in my family

anymore. I went NC over 3 years ago. At that time, I don't think

anyone other than me thought it was going to be permanent. And at

that time, I had no idea how it would work out, I just knew that I

could no longer be physically in my nada's presence.

For my sister and dishrag, I think they probably thought (if they

consciously thought about it) that it would be just like nada's

rages. That I would 'eventually get over it' and 'we could get back

to normal' again. I guess this has been a surprise to all of us.

I too love the peace and quiet, and as posted earlier, I too am

realizing changes in subtle, non-specific ways. These changes are

good, very, very good. I think that this is what life is like when

we take care of ourselves and don't let others (even a parent) abuse

us. The way we have been treated by our BPD parent(s) is not normal

in any sense. It is not the way children (of any age) should be

treated.

I am sorry, and concerned for you, that your DH and his family are

not supporting you. I think you have the right attitude in that

this is really no one else's business. I have found that it has

helped me to remain confident in myself and my decision. I think my

confidence, displayed to others, makes them realize that they too

should respect my decision - or at least to realize that I am okay

with it, and they are interfering if they try to convince me to do

otherwise.

I have always had a difficult time with people who try to convince

others to do something the other person does not want to do. These

people are being meddlesome - and they are not the ones who have to

live your life, they don't live with the consequences of your

decisions - you do that. And therefore you, and only you, have the

right to make those decisions.

Does your husband know anything about BPD? especially how a person

with this disorder can act so differently with different people? Of

course you don't want to go back - you are a normal person! It

isn't normal to want to go back into an abusive situation.

I am glad for you that you are posting on this board, because you

will really be understood here.

Good luck to you,

Sylvia

>

> I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

with

> this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

critisms,

> No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this except

> people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

wrong

> to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not have

> any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

sooner.

> I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even know

who

> she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

only

> cares about herself.

> I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into all

> bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

gets

> raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know something

is

> wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is so

> sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is so

> good at deception.

> The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

when

> asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

taken..

> Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

>

[Guest guest]

Daisy,

Of course they are mad at you and think you're aweful. you have

the courage to do the right thing and what is best for you and with

that your have thrown one BIG wrench into the family dynamics. Alot

of people do not like change. they have come to run as one big

dysfunctional unit. This is exactly what you do.

1: Stay strong. We are here for you.

2: Cry and get angry when you need to. Let it out.

3: KEEP HEALING YOURSELF. You will change. THEY most likely will not.

4: You will go through alot of tough stuff. Hey, you survived your

childhood and you'll survive this.

5: FACT- You will heal and change for the better and be HAPPIER than

you ever have been. Slow painful process. You in turn will lose many

you love along the way. They will pull away from you and you will

pull away from them. You will have to grieve every single lose as if

they were dead, but worse because you know they are not and they

will not change. You will come to accept the way the are and truely

let go of them and be free. HARD to do but I PROMISE worth the while.

You are a survivor.That is how God made you and one day you will no

longer survive life you will live it. No turning back. It has

already begun.

>

> I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

with

> this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

critisms,

> No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this except

> people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

wrong

> to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not have

> any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

sooner.

> I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even know

who

> she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

only

> cares about herself.

> I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into all

> bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

gets

> raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know something

is

> wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is so

> sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is so

> good at deception.

> The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

when

> asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

taken..

> Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

>

[Guest guest]

I personally have found this the only way to handle my NADA. My

sister (NBP) always criticised me, up until she had her own child

and my NADA treated her horrible. She did all the things I used to

tell her about, that she never witnessed. My sister called me

devastated and asked how we can change this. All I could tell her

was to go to counseling, because she doesn't believe my NADA has

BPD. I also made my sister promise to never leave her baby alone

with my NADA. My NADA has done some sick things to my kids, like

pinching them really hard while they were sleeping. When I told my

sister this, she acted surprised and told me she wondered why

everytime the baby awoke, my NADA was the first one in there--my

sister then watched her like a hawk. My brother-in-law cannot stand

NADA, NADA constantly tries to break up the relationship. I am

sending her a copy of the SWOE; she will be amazed by how she can

relate.

I used to feel guilty about not seeing NADA, and I used to fall prey

to those who told me I would have regrets. But, I like you only

regret not doing this sooner.

erbussmom

>

> I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

with

> this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

critisms,

> No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this except

> people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

wrong

> to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not have

> any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

sooner.

> I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even know

who

> she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

only

> cares about herself.

> I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into all

> bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

gets

> raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know something

is

> wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is so

> sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is so

> good at deception.

> The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

when

> asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

taken..

> Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

>

[Guest guest]

Daisy,

I concur with Sylvia in that your DH, who probably means well,

should let you handle this as you see fit. He's probably reacting

from the old standby of " this is family and you stick by them no

matter what " .....Well, with BPD, that's not always possible to do if

we want to preserve our dignity and integrity.

If you are suffering from the BPD of your nada, you have the right

to determine what kind of relationship you're going to have with

her. NC is one of those choices, and your DH should back off and

respect your decision.

In my case, I think my dishrag dad gives me a hard time about my NC

with nada because he just wants her off his back. If that's the

case, then his objections to my NC has nothing to do with concern

for me, but he just wants HIS problem to go away. Classic

narcissist -- concerned with how things affect him.

You follow your gut and let others deal with it however they want.

You are not here to shortchange yourself so that others can be

comfortable. You've had enough of that and GOOD FOR YOU.

Stand up for yourself! Stand firm!

-Kyla

> >

> > I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

> with

> > this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

> critisms,

> > No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this

except

> > people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> > The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

> wrong

> > to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not

have

> > any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

> sooner.

> > I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even

know

> who

> > she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

> only

> > cares about herself.

> > I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into

all

> > bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> > anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

> gets

> > raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> > glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know

something

> is

> > wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> > It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is

so

> > sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is

so

> > good at deception.

> > The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

> when

> > asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> > except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

> taken..

> > Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Daisy,

When I read your post, I could really relate. I have been N/C too

since July and everyone and their brother in my extended family felt

the need to put their two cents in the first month or so, which was

really difficult. At first, I tried to explain myself and some of the

events that occured, which, of course, my mother had rewritten and

spun out in her own fashion. She is very high functioning and very

good at playing roles - I don't think people actually believe she has

issues. Then I felt crazy myself and sooo dramatic, when in fact,

things were slowly getting better since going N/C, so I actually

stopped explaining myself.

It's an odd type of N/C, because she does email my children once a

month or so - I haven't quite figured out what to do with my kids

because they are so young and we lived next-door to her for a while.

She has not pulled anything with them so far, I think becasue she

knows that I would not hesitate to pull the plug on her relationship

with them. Right now my husband deals with that mostly because he

knows I won't.

Going N/C has been such a struggle, but deep in my gut, it feels

right, and I'm so glad I did it. Maybe it's not forever, but unless

my mom has some kind of magical personality transplant, it's probably

the way it's going to stay. Life has been far better without her in

it and I have been far less angry and stressed. This was the best

holiday my family has had by far because it was all about the magic

instead of the anger and the drama.

Now, most people have stopped bringing it up, but I'm still looking

for a relatively polite way to say " Thanks, but no thanks. " If you

think of any good one liners, let me know.

In the meantime, you are doing the best thing for yourself, and

hopefully people's attitudes will change in time.

Take care,

O.

>

> I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy with

> this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO critisms,

> No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this except

> people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am wrong

> to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not have

> any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

sooner.

> I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even know

who

> she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and only

> cares about herself.

> I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into all

> bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else gets

> raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know something

is

> wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is so

> sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is so

> good at deception.

> The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

when

> asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

taken..

> Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for everyone's advice. When you mixed a normal side of the

family with abnormal, the normal side does not understand how anyone

could be that abnormal...especially when the BPD acts so normal in

front of others..

In my heart, I know the best solution for me is to stay away from

Nada. I have taken enough war scars. It would be nice if the rest of

the family would understand. I am sure everyone has got their selfish

reasons.

Another person talked about how the siblings start distancing

themselves when they find out about the Nada NC. I was so close to my

sister and we used to talk every week. I am usually the person that

initiates the calls which I have cut down on. This is partially due

to I am tired of being the person in the family to keep the family

communicating. My sister and brother are so bad about talking to

anyone. I hope my sister will come around.. I am not going to push

her to interact with me, but she still is very enmeshed with Nada..

> > >

> > > I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

> > with

> > > this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

> > critisms,

> > > No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this

> except

> > > people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> > > The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

> > wrong

> > > to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not

> have

> > > any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

> > sooner.

> > > I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even

> know

> > who

> > > she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

> > only

> > > cares about herself.

> > > I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into

> all

> > > bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> > > anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

> > gets

> > > raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> > > glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know

> something

> > is

> > > wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> > > It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is

> so

> > > sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is

> so

> > > good at deception.

> > > The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the

question

> > when

> > > asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at

all

> > > except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

> > taken..

> > > Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have been NC for 14 years. I really wanted to maintain a

relationship with my younger brother. In some ways, even though he is

only 3 years younger, I feel like a mother to him. I let him know

before my parents got my letters (I was confronting them about the

abuse as I knew nothing about bpd back then). I set very clear

perameters form the beginning. I told him I loved him and would always

love him. That I would always be his big sister. And that I wanted to

maintain a relationship with him separate from the FOO. I told him

that I didn't want him to ever be caught in the middle. That I knew he

would be affected by my decision to go NC, but that I wanted to set up

a few parameters for our relationship to keep him out of the middle

between me and our parents. I told him that I would not discuss our

parents with him in any way. And I told him that I would not answer

any questions, or give any information that I thought he was asking

about for my parents. I told him to feel free to tell them I was doing

this, and even to ask me a question for them if it would make him feel

better for me to say " I won't discuss that. " and he could then tell

them what I said rather than refusing to ask. And I told him that

while I hoped he wouldn't discuss me with our parents, I would not

disclose anything about my life to him that I did not want them to

know. I think it really took the pressure off of him. They couldn't

get anything about me from him. And I think he doesn't tell them much

anyway.

It has become harder now that I have children, as I know my nada scours

his house for pics of my kids. I send him very few for just that

reason. We've been able to make this work. We discussed the abuse

once. I don't think he can accept that the worst of it happened, but

he knows she is nuts and we talked about that. He has put just as much

effort into the relationship as I have, and that makes all the

difference. He even used a family vacation time to come to my house

with his wife and kids. It was a huge effort - several days driving -

so it really spoke volumes that the relationship means a lot to him

too. I haven't broached the topic of bpd, and don't know if I will. I

see him every year or two, and we have gotten our kids together once.

I'm very glad I set up those parameters from the beginning, as it has

allowed us to continue a sibling relationship without having nada

constantly sticking her nose in the middle. It is probably easier

since he is a boy and my nada never knew quite what to do with him, so

he is much less enmeshed than my sister. I am basically very LC with

her - holiday cards and presents for my niece and nephew are the extent

of it.

I don't know if you can set something up like this with your sister,

but it might be worth a shot. And if she isn't ready now, she may be

later. My sister has made more effort in the last few years. We were

never close, so the fact that she even keeps in contact surprises me.

I'm glad though, as I want her kids to know who I am in case they want

to contact me one day. Anyway, sorry for the long post. I thought my

experience might give you some ideas, or at least let you know that you

are not alone.

Fresabird

> Thanks for everyone's advice. When you mixed a normal side of the

> family with abnormal, the normal side does not understand how anyone

> could be that abnormal...especially when the BPD acts so normal in

> front of others..

>

> In my heart, I know the best solution for me is to stay away from

> Nada. I have taken enough war scars. It would be nice if the rest of

> the family would understand. I am sure everyone has got their selfish

> reasons.

>

> Another person talked about how the siblings start distancing

> themselves when they find out about the Nada NC. I was so close to my

> sister and we used to talk every week. I am usually the person that

> initiates the calls which I have cut down on. This is partially due

> to I am tired of being the person in the family to keep the family

> communicating. My sister and brother are so bad about talking to

> anyone. I hope my sister will come around.. I am not going to push

> her to interact with me, but she still is very enmeshed with Nada..

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

> > > with

> > > > this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

> > > critisms,

> > > > No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this

> > except

> > > > people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> > > > The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

> > > wrong

> > > > to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not

> > have

> > > > any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

> > > sooner.

> > > > I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even

> > know

> > > who

> > > > she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

> > > only

> > > > cares about herself.

> > > > I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into

> > all

> > > > bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> > > > anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

> > > gets

> > > > raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> > > > glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know

> > something

> > > is

> > > > wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> > > > It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is

> > so

> > > > sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is

> > so

> > > > good at deception.

> > > > The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the

> question

> > > when

> > > > asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at

> all

> > > > except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

> > > taken..

> > > > Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I let Nada interact with my daughters while I was NC for about 9

months. My husband or I would monitor all email and phone calls.

On or about the ninth month she called when I was out looking for my

runaway dog and when I returned my daughter was in tears, just

devastated. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that Nada

told her she was going to the same hospital my brother went to for

tests. My daughter knows my brother died at 21 from cancer at this

hospital. I felt so horrible for her, and felt an extreme amount of

guilt to have exposed her to this. It was then that I learned, " how

on earth could nada love her grands, if she didn't even know how to

love me? " So, my whole family is NC. We all send gifts at holidays

and birthdays, and my husband reads all cards to ensure they are

guilt free. If they are not, he trashes them. So, I guess what I

am saying is to be careful with your children; nada found that they

were my pride and joy and like with anything else she tried to

destroy that, too. My kids have been raised in a functional

setting, so even if nada tries to bring on the guilt crap; they

shrug it off as weird. I will never forget before we went NC nada

was talking weird to my daughter, and when my daughter walked away;

she just rolled her eyes at me. So, I asked nada what happened and

her response, " children need to be taught respect, and the only way

they learn this is through humility. " I HIT THE ROOF! My kids

didn't ever know what a guilt trip was until this instance. I had

to break a cycle of pain, my kids were tired of watching me hurt,

and fight for them--really fight for normalecy--which nada knew

nothing about this. My Nada is dangerous to the mindset of my

children...My kids are now 16 and 11, and they are fine with my

choices. Just like I explain societal issues of violence, drugs,

and/or alcohol is the same way I spoke to them regarding NC with

nada. Truly, as much as I tried to hide them from the garbage, they

sensed it, and often times saw it--they were ready, and now they

admire that I had the courage to stand up for them, too. My

thinking is that children emmulate their parents, and hopefully when

faced with similar situations in the adult life, they will have the

courage and strength to walk away, rather then be berrated,

ridiculed, put down, etc. I am not sure if this is the best way to

handle nada, but it sure makes for peace in our family, and no

worries about games being played by nada.

erbussmom

> >

> > I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy

with

> > this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO

critisms,

> > No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this

except

> > people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

> > The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am

wrong

> > to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not

have

> > any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this

> sooner.

> > I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even

know

> who

> > she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and

only

> > cares about herself.

> > I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into

all

> > bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

> > anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else

gets

> > raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

> > glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know

something

> is

> > wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

> > It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is

so

> > sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is

so

> > good at deception.

> > The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question

> when

> > asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

> > except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have

> taken..

> > Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Daisy,

Keep Going!! Raise your hand to their faces and say, " Speak to the hand, the

face and listenin' " and walk on about your day. You answered your own quesiton

with your own wise words: " somebody else will get be the next target. " It is a

bit weird that DH isn't supportive. Why do you think that is?

Happy New Years!!

Greg.

Why is family so unsupportive of NC with Nada

I have been NC with Nada since Sept. I am the only one happy with

this situation! I love the peace and quiet.. No chaos, NO critisms,

No raging at me or calling me names. Who wouldn't like this except

people that are not targeted by Nada anger.

The only problem is my DH, sister, and DH family think I am wrong

to NC with Nada and that I will have regrets. I know I do not have

any regrets and my only regret is that I wish I had done this sooner.

I do not have any emotional connection to Nada. I don't even know who

she is or want to know her at all. Nada is very narcisstic and only

cares about herself.

I don't want to go back. I am the sibling that is split into all

bad. I am so tired of being so good only to get raged at for

anything. Of course they want me back, otherwise, someone else gets

raged at!! Everyone wants to have this so called " Rose colored

glasses family " that doesn't exist. OR people will know something is

wrong with our family.. Oh--- the secret is out!

It is hard for others that don't understand BPD. My Nada is so

sweet to everyone else. Everyone thinks she is an angel! She is so

good at deception.

The only thing I can think of to do is to ignore the question when

asked and change the subject. To me it is no one business at all

except mine. I am the one who understands all the pain I have taken..

Does anybody have this problem and what can I do....

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