huge revelation about getting dressed!

[Guest guest]

hi everyone, i've made a nice little discovery today and would like

to share in case it rings true w/anyone else, and helps them to

progress.

it's been a mystery to me for years now why i have such trouble with

the basic activities of getting up and getting dressed in the

mornings. once i am out the door, i'm fine, but actually getting out

is a huge hurdle.

in the past i'd identified some of nada's ideas that i was supposed

to feel unattractive, and unable to dress myself, and so 'facing'

myself was a cause of despair. well that's sortof part of it, i

still think--but this morning with the whole fog incident, i really

discovered the BULK of it.

almost every time i tried to leave the house, nada was projecting her

terror of abandonment onto me. she had a sheer terror that she would

burst into flames and the sky would fall in, every time i left for

school. at the same time, being a hermit nada, she would come up

daily with gory images of me dying in a violent accident, or of some

terrible illness, or getting murdered or raped at school. every

time, literally every time, i would try to get ready, she projected

this terrible panic onto me. so this morning, for example, as i got

ready, i was having an anxiety attack practically, for fear of the

image of a horrific car wreck in the fog. nada, however, having

comfortably projected the image into my thoughts, was no longer

feeling it, and was snuggling cozy w/a coffee in her bed. (which, by

the way, she rarely leaves).

it was usually a car wreck but from time to time it was some other

horrific thing. it was often also that i would be late, be perceived

as ridiculous. but it was always in a sheer panic, with the idea

that the sky would fall in.

since i am r/c, i am less tainted by these things. so when nada

began to tell me about the fog today, at first i truly thought there

were severe, red-level storms throughout the state. ie, her tone

implied there was truly a natural disaster out there. it is the tone

that others use only when a hurricane, tornado, 9-11, etc, is

actually coming. and i now imagine how it must have felt, as a

child, to hear that again and again, every time i left the house!

to correct this will be a pavlovian exercise--i will now try and talk

to myself every time i get dressed, telling myself i am safe, and

then reward myself with something truly delightful when i'm

finished. this will (according to my therapist) help to re-wire my

brain neurons so that getting ready will no longer be associated in

my subconscious with dismemberment and violent death.

hope this helps someone else out there, too!

all the best

charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlotte,

Congrats on the breakthrough! It's so wonderful when things start to

click.

I'm all for positive affirmations and I have had to do this as well.

In fact, check out this cool concept I read about in my spiritual

parenting newsletter: http://www.affirmagy.com/StoreFront.bok

My nada loved to castrophize as well and if I tried to calm her down,

she was just cycle up. I knew something was off though when I was in

college in LA and she was warning me about a rapist on the lose in our

hometown 600 miles away!

Keep it up, Charlotte.

a

[Guest guest]

Excellent revelation, charlie! I can relate -- and had never

thought about that particular subject before.

My nada's a terrified hermit, too. She projected her fears in the

form of anger -- barking and yelling at us all the time.

When I was going to college, I think that threatened her. Maybe it

made her see that I was going out into that world she was so fearful

of -- that maybe she could have done that, too. She missed my

college graduation.

Many of my life events were knocked around by her. It must have

been unsettling for her to see me embracing adventures that she

could only dream about. It destroys her carefully constructed

excuses for not living. And reminds her of the precious time she's

wasted.

Same with you getting dressed every day to go out into the world --

Your nada was threatened by it. Both by the dangers she perceived

outside, and by your going out and joining the human race.

Now, when you get dressed, you can tell yourself -- I'm going out

and joining life. I'm going to see what it has to give me, and I'm

going to let it see what I have to give.

>

> hi everyone, i've made a nice little discovery today and would

like

> to share in case it rings true w/anyone else, and helps them to

> progress.

>

> it's been a mystery to me for years now why i have such trouble

with

> the basic activities of getting up and getting dressed in the

> mornings. once i am out the door, i'm fine, but actually getting

out

> is a huge hurdle.

>

> in the past i'd identified some of nada's ideas that i was

supposed

> to feel unattractive, and unable to dress myself, and so 'facing'

> myself was a cause of despair. well that's sortof part of it, i

> still think--but this morning with the whole fog incident, i

really

> discovered the BULK of it.

>

> almost every time i tried to leave the house, nada was projecting

her

> terror of abandonment onto me. she had a sheer terror that she

would

> burst into flames and the sky would fall in, every time i left for

> school. at the same time, being a hermit nada, she would come up

> daily with gory images of me dying in a violent accident, or of

some

> terrible illness, or getting murdered or raped at school. every

> time, literally every time, i would try to get ready, she

projected

> this terrible panic onto me. so this morning, for example, as i

got

> ready, i was having an anxiety attack practically, for fear of the

> image of a horrific car wreck in the fog. nada, however, having

> comfortably projected the image into my thoughts, was no longer

> feeling it, and was snuggling cozy w/a coffee in her bed. (which,

by

> the way, she rarely leaves).

>

> it was usually a car wreck but from time to time it was some other

> horrific thing. it was often also that i would be late, be

perceived

> as ridiculous. but it was always in a sheer panic, with the idea

> that the sky would fall in.

>

> since i am r/c, i am less tainted by these things. so when nada

> began to tell me about the fog today, at first i truly thought

there

> were severe, red-level storms throughout the state. ie, her tone

> implied there was truly a natural disaster out there. it is the

tone

> that others use only when a hurricane, tornado, 9-11, etc, is

> actually coming. and i now imagine how it must have felt, as a

> child, to hear that again and again, every time i left the house!

>

> to correct this will be a pavlovian exercise--i will now try and

talk

> to myself every time i get dressed, telling myself i am safe, and

> then reward myself with something truly delightful when i'm

> finished. this will (according to my therapist) help to re-wire

my

> brain neurons so that getting ready will no longer be associated

in

> my subconscious with dismemberment and violent death.

>

> hope this helps someone else out there, too!

>

> all the best

> charlie

>

[Guest guest]

One Non-BP Recovering Man---

I think we were twins separated at birth!

I, too, have trouble " getting going " in the morning -- I fog over

and have trouble focusing. I've gotten better with running a

household with 2 kids. But I still struggle with mornings, so I've

had to make sure I write everything down the night before, because I

can't focus in the morning.

Probably based on a long-ago instilled fear that I absorbed from

watching my mother. She never left the house. She slept in to

avoid it. I can still remember being a little child and breaking

open the cake mixes to my E-Z Bake Oven and tasting the mix with my

fingers while my mom slept in.

She didn't have a driver's license until I was 12, so it's not like

she made plans to do anything with us kids during the day. I played

a lot by myself. She didn't play with me much. Fada had to drive

her everywhere -- even the grocery store. (Of course, to be fair,

two-car households weren't the norm yet.)

That scenario worked well with her fear of the world, didn't it?

-K

>

> > Charlotte,

> >

> > Congrats on the breakthrough! It's so wonderful

> > when things start to

> > click.

> >

> > I'm all for positive affirmations and I have had to

> > do this as well.

> >

> > In fact, check out this cool concept I read about in

> > my spiritual

> > parenting newsletter:

> > http://www.affirmagy.com/StoreFront.bok

> >

> > My nada loved to castrophize as well and if I tried

> > to calm her down,

> > she was just cycle up. I knew something was off

> > though when I was in

> > college in LA and she was warning me about a rapist

> > on the lose in our

> > hometown 600 miles away!

> >

> > Keep it up, Charlotte.

> >

> > a

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

One thing I haven't seen mentioned in this thread is that difficulty

in waking and functioning in the morning can be a sign of depression.

I realise that most of us are terrified at the thought of having a

mental health diagnosis after growing up around insanity, but the

truth is BP is an illness with both evvironmental AND genetic elements

involved. Also anyone who has grown up being abused (ie. PTSD)has a

much higher predisposition to depression. It is easy to blame every

dysfunctional aspect as being caused by our parents BP behavior,

rightly so, but if there is an underlying psychiatric condition we're

experiencing, like depression, it is important to recognize and

address it. That's what we'd want the BP's in our lives to do.

I dealt very poorly with the emotional aftermath of my homelife,

beating myself up for not getting better, moving forwards, and getting

my life together. I blamed every bit of my weakness on being too

damaged by my past and Nada to be any different. Then after 12 years I

was diagnosed with major depression and an anxiety disorder, for which

I have been treated medically and with therapy. I now realise that I

was doomed to a lifetime of failure without this help. Treatment has

enabled me to deal with my past, face up to my own part in my problems

and create a happy and healthy future for myself. I am also able to

finally address the Nada/FOO situation without the symptoms of my

disorder(anxiety) kicking-in and interfering with my ability to cope

emotionally with the choas that enevitably ensues around any

interaction with them. I'm not saying that everyone who has BPD in the

family has a mentally illness, only that it shouldn't be overlooked as

a possibility.

Ariel

[Guest guest]

Again, I am so grateful for this board. I have learned so much

about BPD and how it has affected me. This is another example. I

too am a slow starter in the morning. (And sometimes into the

afternoon! LOL!) My nada, however, was a very early morning person

(also a hermit/waif/witch). So she didn't set the example of late

starts, but I believe it was the fear of her yelling, criticism and

rages that inhibits me from getting started. My childhood was a

constant focus on not doing anything to upset her, that I believe it

paralized me into complete inaction.

I have made some progress with this, but it is something that I

still have to focus on daily. In times of stress, I easily slide

downhill in this area.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences in this area.

Sylvia

> >

> > > Charlotte,

> > >

> > > Congrats on the breakthrough! It's so wonderful

> > > when things start to

> > > click.

> > >

> > > I'm all for positive affirmations and I have had to

> > > do this as well.

> > >

> > > In fact, check out this cool concept I read about in

> > > my spiritual

> > > parenting newsletter:

> > > http://www.affirmagy.com/StoreFront.bok

> > >

> > > My nada loved to castrophize as well and if I tried

> > > to calm her down,

> > > she was just cycle up. I knew something was off

> > > though when I was in

> > > college in LA and she was warning me about a rapist

> > > on the lose in our

> > > hometown 600 miles away!

> > >

> > > Keep it up, Charlotte.

> > >

> > > a

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

Charlie,

Thank you for your insight as it has helped me to

understand a very similar problem in the morning that

I experience with dread. I will try desensitization.

Thanks again,

Greg.

--- Recovering Non-BP wrote:

> Charlie,

>

> I've used similar processes to desensitize myself

> about that (getting up and out of the house) and

> other

> things. Actually, almost every life activity of

> mine

> was tainted by my FOO, so I've talked myself through

> almost everything you can imagine. Some things, I

> still have to do this. Getting going in the morning

> is one of the toughest. I haven't blamed myself

> about

> it for a long time. After all, as a child, I was

> wired to deal with my nada’s crisis, being blamed,

> and

> yelled at so often, starting before I even got out

> of

> bed, and who wants to face another day of

> FOO-lishness? (Sorry about that pun.)

>

> One Non-BP Recovering Man

>

>

>

> --- baast2play wrote:

>

> > Charlotte,

> >

> > Congrats on the breakthrough! It's so wonderful

> > when things start to

> > click.

> >

> > I'm all for positive affirmations and I have had

> to

> > do this as well.

> >

> > In fact, check out this cool concept I read about

> in

> > my spiritual

> > parenting newsletter:

> > http://www.affirmagy.com/StoreFront.bok

> >

> > My nada loved to castrophize as well and if I

> tried

> > to calm her down,

> > she was just cycle up. I knew something was off

> > though when I was in

> > college in LA and she was warning me about a

> rapist

> > on the lose in our

> > hometown 600 miles away!

> >

> > Keep it up, Charlotte.

> >

> > a

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

I too have the problem of being in a fog in the

morning and not really awake until much later in the

day, as well as specific fears of things you have to

do in the morning. I think that for me this is

caused by the hypervigilence I still have going on,

even at a low level. also, I remember my parents were

not morning people themselves and so they would

regularly wake up late. This caused chaos and

screaming and get teh f out of my way (at 4 years

old). Also, at 4 years old, my mom and dad would take

my brother to first grade and they would go to work

and at 4 i stayed home alone and my baby sitter was

Price is Right (I still can't hear that f'ing theme

song without freaking out) and Let's Make a Deal, etc.

My mom scared me to death about what was outside that

front door and back door - MONSTERS desguised as men

that would take me away forever and cut me up and I

would never be found again. Remembering it right now

even brings up a lot of anxiety. I was scared out of

my mind. So I dissociated and played with my friends

in my head. I just started reading UBM and HOLY COW

is it hard core stuff to process. But here it is

relevent b/c parents are supposed to make life safe

for the child and go to the child's level, not bring

the child to the adults' level, which I believe all of

our parents did. anyway, just some thoughts about

this morning stuff. Knowing the above made me feel

less anxiety this morning along with your quote, Kyla.

Thanks

Greg.

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> One Non-BP Recovering Man---

>

> I think we were twins separated at birth!

>

> I, too, have trouble " getting going " in the morning

> -- I fog over

> and have trouble focusing. I've gotten better with

> running a

> household with 2 kids. But I still struggle with

> mornings, so I've

> had to make sure I write everything down the night

> before, because I

> can't focus in the morning.

>

> Probably based on a long-ago instilled fear that I

> absorbed from

> watching my mother. She never left the house. She

> slept in to

> avoid it. I can still remember being a little child

> and breaking

> open the cake mixes to my E-Z Bake Oven and tasting

> the mix with my

> fingers while my mom slept in.

>

> She didn't have a driver's license until I was 12,

> so it's not like

> she made plans to do anything with us kids during

> the day. I played

> a lot by myself. She didn't play with me much.

> Fada had to drive

> her everywhere -- even the grocery store. (Of

> course, to be fair,

> two-car households weren't the norm yet.)

>

> That scenario worked well with her fear of the

> world, didn't it?

>

> -K

>

>

>

>

> >

> > > Charlotte,

> > >

> > > Congrats on the breakthrough! It's so wonderful

> > > when things start to

> > > click.

> > >

> > > I'm all for positive affirmations and I have had

> to

> > > do this as well.

> > >

> > > In fact, check out this cool concept I read

> about in

> > > my spiritual

> > > parenting newsletter:

> > > http://www.affirmagy.com/StoreFront.bok

> > >

> > > My nada loved to castrophize as well and if I

> tried

> > > to calm her down,

> > > she was just cycle up. I knew something was off

> > > though when I was in

> > > college in LA and she was warning me about a

> rapist

> > > on the lose in our

> > > hometown 600 miles away!

> > >

> > > Keep it up, Charlotte.

> > >

> > > a

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

Areil,

I totally agree with what you wrote and I think that

due to the very nature of BPD and its effects of

inappropriate mirroring and huge deficits in

developmental stages that BPD parents do just the

opposite of what we need to be doing (like bpd nada

feels threatened by a two year old's independence and

thwarts it) that we do need therapy and sometimes

medications. I wouldn't be alive without having gone

though them. And I think that what a great many

people here are saying is that there is also a subset

of unique behavior that BPD's do in the morning that f

with a child's mind and wellbeing. I know the

difference when I am depressed, how depressed, or if

it is something else that is triggering our disorders.

I'm so glad that you did bring up the depression

issue.

Greg.

--- whitedkcats2 wrote:

>

> One thing I haven't seen mentioned in this thread

> is that difficulty

> in waking and functioning in the morning can be a

> sign of depression.

> I realise that most of us are terrified at the

> thought of having a

> mental health diagnosis after growing up around

> insanity, but the

> truth is BP is an illness with both evvironmental

> AND genetic elements

> involved. Also anyone who has grown up being abused

> (ie. PTSD)has a

> much higher predisposition to depression. It is easy

> to blame every

> dysfunctional aspect as being caused by our parents

> BP behavior,

> rightly so, but if there is an underlying

> psychiatric condition we're

> experiencing, like depression, it is important to

> recognize and

> address it. That's what we'd want the BP's in our

> lives to do.

>

> I dealt very poorly with the emotional aftermath of

> my homelife,

> beating myself up for not getting better, moving

> forwards, and getting

> my life together. I blamed every bit of my weakness

> on being too

> damaged by my past and Nada to be any different.

> Then after 12 years I

> was diagnosed with major depression and an anxiety

> disorder, for which

> I have been treated medically and with therapy. I

> now realise that I

> was doomed to a lifetime of failure without this

> help. Treatment has

> enabled me to deal with my past, face up to my own

> part in my problems

> and create a happy and healthy future for myself. I

> am also able to

> finally address the Nada/FOO situation without the

> symptoms of my

> disorder(anxiety) kicking-in and interfering with

> my ability to cope

> emotionally with the choas that enevitably ensues

> around any

> interaction with them. I'm not saying that everyone

> who has BPD in the

> family has a mentally illness, only that it

> shouldn't be overlooked as

> a possibility.

>

> Ariel

>

>

__________________________________________________