Re: loneliness

[Guest guest]

I feel lonely, too. It's OK.

Helena

loneliness

i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.haakon

[Guest guest]

Hi,haakonCan you tell me a little bit about your loneliness? What are the things you are struggling with? What makes you feel lonely? When you noticed you are experiencing loneliness, how do you respond to it? Has the response work for you? What do you want to do for yourself to get out of loneliness. what have you tried to do to get out of loneliness?-mulan

[Guest guest]

Tell us all a bit more. Maybe we can help you.To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sat, February 5, 2011 7:38:43 AMSubject: loneliness

i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

haakon

[Guest guest]

Helena,For me, I believe your reply was no very helpful for haakon, I'm guessing it's not ok for him, even though he is not necessarily seeking a solution.haakon,I am guessing haakon, you are just wanting to be heard, the fact that you are lonely, and how it is hard to be with?Yes, haakon, loneliness can bring up many things and I imagine none of them are nice or easy to deal with for you right in this moment while you experience it.I feel touched that you have been able to open up and to be vulnerable with saying how it is for you.______________________________________Helena wrote:I feel lonely, too, It's OK. Helena ______________________________________ haakon wrote: i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this. haakon

[Guest guest]

Hi Haakon,

Are you fairly fit? If you are then I recommend dancing as the best way to meet new people. The great thing about dancing is that conversation is easy because all you need to talk about is dancing, and you can get away with not talking about much else for months. And if you ask someone for dance, it doesn't mean your are trying to date them, people want to dance for the fun of it and also to practice. I do Lindy Hop (see link below) and jive, but all the different dances are a good way to meet new people (salsa, latin, rock & roll, ballroom. etc). Okay, if you are shy then learning how to dance with a load of strangers is totally nerve wracking. It was for me but I tuffed it out and wow! what a social life I got from it. In no time I was going all over London with new friends to different clubs, and also over the south of England too (the coast is only an hour's drive from London). I didn't drive at the time but people were happy take me along. I also got invited to parties and after six months I had a girlfriend. People usually go to dancing because they want to meet new people and so they are very friendly. Dancing atracts people from all age groups and in the UK the 30 to 60 age group is predominent, so it isn't just for youngsters.

I'm going to be very indulgent here and post as link to some great Lindy Hop as I love the dance so much. But don't worry, us more ordinary folk don't do all the acrobatic stuff shown here. It's terrific fun though.

All the best,

KV

> i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom> lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try> looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.> > haakon>

[Guest guest]

Hey! that happenned to me, , I was going 8 times a week at one point

would you believe - every night with a Saturday afternoon lesson and then out

again in the evening along with a 3 and a 1/2 hour tea dance every Sunday

afternoon. When I was doing lots of college before that it was all about college

(I thought I was gong to become a scientist), now it is all about guitars and

keyboards. Hmmm!I keep thinking something is eventually going to work and turm

my life around.

Wow! maybe one day I won't be so driven by this fear that drives me on and on -

this feeling inside that I am not good enough yet.

KV

> > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

> > > lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try

> > > looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > >

> > > haakon

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

hey, everyone.

it just feels awful these days. like i am empty and i sit alone inside my

apartment. and i can't think. or i am just totally confused, don't know myself,

feel abandoned and lost and condemned to eternal suffering. i surf the internet

for descriptions of my problem. it's crazy and i guess it does me no good. i

have problems in socializing. i get jealous and offended and hurt very easily. i

feel controlled very easily. i seek attention to my pain, i want comfort.

recently people don't know what to say, and i feel cornered, trapped. i am so

afraid of being rejected. i know i am digging deeper. it's no good. it is one

big struggle. i don't feel safe if i am to go out and participate. god damn it.

i don't know who to trust. it's the same old same old. i know what i should do.

recognize that these thoughts are not me. contact my goals. action. i am sorry

for this. i think people see me as a self-centered person. sorry. i'll see if i

can be more constructive later. thank you for the response.

haakon

> > > > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

> > > > > lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try

> > > > > looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written

> > this.

> > > > >

> > > > > haakon

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>

[Guest guest]

hi.

i just read the post of steven hayes. he kind of says it all. i will try again.

and again.

h

> > > > > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

> > > > > > lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try

> > > > > > looking at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written

> > > this.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > haakon

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

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[Guest guest]

Hi Haakon;

I feel your pain as I also am lonely alot.

Folks in this group are very caring, but I have a feeling that it is hard for

you to pick up on their advice of getting involved in an activity such as

dancing. When my self esteem and sense of worth are at a low, this is when I

feel lonely. It is hard to find the motivation to get out of bed nevermind get

invovled with other people.

On the otherhand, it is when I connect with things outside of me is when my

sense of loneliness lifts. I start with things that only involve me - such as

taking a walk, visiting a museum, going to a book store and spending the

afternoon. I am still by myself but I gain a new prespective on my world. When

I stay in my routine is when I feel that I am in a rut and the loneliness

overwhelms me. Gradually, I introduce people into the equation and then with

something I feel comfortable with. If one on one relationships seem hard, then

a group setting with strangers (such as clasees) are good. I used to feel silly

doing such things, as if I was grasping for social contact when it came

naturally to most others. I have learned that this is not true. Set goals that

are realistic, ones that you are apt to reach 90% of the time. Then you can up

the goals. I am now at the point where I can hold my loneliness in my lap rather

than fighting/ignoring it or getting lost in it both of which lead to

depression.

Thanks for reaching out.

Blessings!

______________________________________

haakon wrote:

i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately,

talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts,

but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

haakon

[Guest guest]

hi, susan!

yes, it is hard for me to take advice. my depressive thoughts have a function

for me, sometimes i resist things which undoubtedly would make me feel better. i

use my depression to punish my parents, and to feel close to people. it sounds

weird, but it is weird. going out dancing...i'm not sure if it is my thing. i

would like to do a guitar class, though.

and hi, helena!

there are no act therapists in oslo! it is very irritating. i would really like

to see one.

haakon

> i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately,

talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts,

but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> haakon

>

[Guest guest]

I was very alone and then I braved it and joined a singles club. One person

there kept saying I ought to go dancing with her because it is great fun. I

really hated the idea and put it off for months - in fact, I don't like doing

anything new. Well, eventually I went with her and I was so incredibly

embarrased because I was so anxious I couldn't pick up what I was suposed to do

which meant I looked really stupid. So I'm thinking to myself, I'm not coming

back here again, but wow! some those women are so lovely. Hmmmm, I decided I

better go back and to hell with the shame of looking really stupid.

Anyhow, I did make lots of friends there but dancing did bring some pain too as

at the larger clubs some of the girls would never dance with me and I felt there

was something wrong with me. And occassionally, some women were even damn right

rude which would really hurt (this only happened a few times though).

Guitar lessons sound like a great idea, but yoga classes are very relaxing and

the people are friendly.

KV

> > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately,

talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts,

but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > haakon

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thank you, helena. but what do you mean by " holding it lightly " ? that i

shouldn't obsess over it?

haakon

> > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately,

talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts,

but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > > haakon

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mulan,

I'm not sure that's an approach ACT endorses. Keeping count of obsessions and

trying to have fewer or obsess over them less would seem to result in more

obsessive thoughts rather than fewer. My understanding of ACT is that it doesn't

involve working on having fewer obsessive thoughts, but at accepting the fact

that a certain number are bound to show up and not buying into their content

when that happens.

Jim

> > > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at

thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > > > haakon

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, I have said it before, but in my personal experience, I have found many

times that the feeling of loneliness is thought based...

Aloneness is obviously not loneliness

Usually for me, in identifying with thoughts/beliefs that the particular present

moment " should " and " would " be better if shared in some way

Both judgments that deny the moment that is

That isn't to say that action shouldn't be taken

Any thoughts on this?

> > > > > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

> > lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking

> > at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > > > > > haakon

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh, i agree that the emotion is a real feeling, but the emotion is triggered by

the mind...

just wanted to clarify if that was agreed upon that loneliness is a thinking

issue, and not inherit in being alone...I surmise that many people mistakenly

fuse those 2

" I feel lonely " rightfully acknowledges the feeling, but if it is thought that

causes the feeling, than what type of thoughts are responsible?

That's where I was eluding to believing thoughts...ex: " I should* have a

partner " , " nobody cares about me " , etc..

Of course if you believed that, then you are going to experience a sense of

loneliness

> > > > > > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom

> > > lately, talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try

looking

> > > at thoughts, but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > > > > > > haakon

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

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[Guest guest]

>

> That's where I was eluding to believing thoughts...ex: " I

> should have a partner " , " nobody cares about me " , etc..

>

> Of course if you believed that, then you are going to

> experience a sense of loneliness

What is wrong with someone wanting a partner?

For that matter, what is wrong with feeling lonely?

- R.

[Guest guest]

nothing in and of itself...unless it's creating what one perceives as negative

emotions

which I am assuming is the reason for the original thread

If you notice, my ex used the word " should " ...which is purely conceptual

thinking not based in any reality

I would ideally like a partner myself...

> >

> > That's where I was eluding to believing thoughts...ex: " I

> > should have a partner " , " nobody cares about me " , etc..

> >

> > Of course if you believed that, then you are going to

> > experience a sense of loneliness

>

> What is wrong with someone wanting a partner?

>

> For that matter, what is wrong with feeling lonely?

>

> - R.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> nothing in and of itself...unless it's creating what

> one perceives as negative emotions

That makes negative emotions the bad guy again, in my view.

The idea behind ACT is to change the function of " negative

emotions " so they do not seem like things that must be

avoided, but rather can be experienced as what they are.

That's a very different move.

-R.

[Guest guest]

Hi KV,

Congratulations on braving it and jumping onboard, these clubs can be real fun.

Your post strikes a cord. I don't dance either; only some belly dancing when I

am alone or in front of a very trusted friend - and they say it's hot! I don't

mind climbing, skiing, flying, diving, but DANCING! That's an old block from

adolescence.

I think people like us could benefit from a dance class. Look it up, many places

advertise free first lessons for the beginners. A beginning dance lesson might

be a good way to meet people who are where we are and won't judge us, to

practice there, then come to a new scene with confidence. Nothing wrong with

working on building something to substantiate your confidence!

Cheers,

> > > i feel lonely. i know you can't help me. i've been calling my mom lately,

talking to her. she feels powerless. now i feel dead. i try looking at thoughts,

but it doesn't work. at least i have written this.

> > > haakon

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with you, but I said that if it creates what one " perceives " as negative

> >

> > nothing in and of itself...unless it's creating what

> > one perceives as negative emotions

>

> That makes negative emotions the bad guy again, in my view.

>

> The idea behind ACT is to change the function of " negative

> emotions " so they do not seem like things that must be

> avoided, but rather can be experienced as what they are.

>

> That's a very different move.

>

> -R.

>

[Guest guest]

well said

> > >

> > > That's where I was eluding to believing thoughts...ex: " I

> > > should have a partner " , " nobody cares about me " , etc..

> > >

> > > Of course if you believed that, then you are going to

> > > experience a sense of loneliness

> >

> > What is wrong with someone wanting a partner?

> >

> > For that matter, what is wrong with feeling lonely?

> >

> > - R.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> Finding friends and a partner and then being with them I don't

> think will generally solve the loneliness problem.

You may feel I over-generalized in my prior post, but I'd say

you're over-generalizing wildly in the opposite direction. Human

are social beings. Many shy persons do in fact want companionship.

Will it keep them from feeling lonely in all circumstances? No. Are

you going to tell someone who says they're lonely not to seek

friends or other society if they wish to? Somehow I can't see

you doing that.

Not trying to argue - just pointing out it's OK to be human.

-R.

[Guest guest]

>

> Often as we cultivate ... connection, those unpleasant

> thoughts and feelings disappear. But even if they

> don't, provided we accept and defuse them, they need not

> interfere with creating a meaningful and life-enhancing

> connection with something important.

Russ,

This view of loneliness that you lay out as a state of

disconnection seems to me very accurate & very useful - especially

the way you describe the many different kinds of connections that

can be creatively sought out in response. There is something lovely

in that - the chance for deepening life in response to distress.

-R.

[Guest guest]

I don't think anyone was saying that, and I know I specifically said " that isn't

to say one shouldn't take action "

I think he was more eluding to what Russ said, that there are millions of people

out there who do have friends/spouses, etc, and still feel lonely...and that if

you feel like you " need " these things to feel happy, or you " should " have them

when you don't, it will obviously cause emotional distress when it's not there..

I am all for cultivating connection and think it's very important to ones

overall well being...I can just tell you that from my own experience, lack of

social connection and loneliness aren't synonymous or vice versa

>

> > Finding friends and a partner and then being with them I don't

> > think will generally solve the loneliness problem.

>

> You may feel I over-generalized in my prior post, but I'd say

> you're over-generalizing wildly in the opposite direction. Human

> are social beings. Many shy persons do in fact want companionship.

> Will it keep them from feeling lonely in all circumstances? No. Are

> you going to tell someone who says they're lonely not to seek

> friends or other society if they wish to? Somehow I can't see

> you doing that.

>

> Not trying to argue - just pointing out it's OK to be human.

>

> -R.

>

[Guest guest]

I wouldn't say " any human " , but I agree that for the most part it would be

pretty devastating to the average person....most aren't mentally equipped to

deal with

extreme solitude

I can only tell you from my own personal experience, that the feeling describe

as loneliness isn't there unless thought is involved in some manner...and I am

alone a lot...

Now whether these thoughts thoughts come from a state of disconnection, or

thoughts create the state of disconnection...i couldn't say

> >

> > > Finding friends and a partner and then being with them I don't

> > > think will generally solve the loneliness problem.

> >

> > You may feel I over-generalized in my prior post, but I'd say

> > you're over-generalizing wildly in the opposite direction. Human

> > are social beings. Many shy persons do in fact want companionship.

> > Will it keep them from feeling lonely in all circumstances? No. Are

> > you going to tell someone who says they're lonely not to seek

> > friends or other society if they wish to? Somehow I can't see

> > you doing that.

> >

> > Not trying to argue - just pointing out it's OK to be human.

> >

> > -R.

> >

>