Re: Learned Helplessness and ACT

[Guest guest]

Thanks Maarten -- I really like what you have written.I have a similar "passenger" -- really the only passenger. I am trying to work through Bradshaw's Homecoming, as well as Russ 's The Happiness Trap, with only little success. Doing the work means exploring what is real about this "passenger", like peeling the layers of an onion, learning to let go of the facades that have been developed over decades and have allowed some kind of life to be lived. It is very painful and even scary, to feel so exposed and vulnerable. Sometimes I feel the tears will never end, but of course they do. For me it is helpful to switch to THT and try some of the defusion exercises when it all seems unbearable.I think the beauty of ACT is that it is really self-paced. Sometimes that can mean refusing to drive that bus and totally ignore the passenger. At those times it is helpful to have someone remind you of your responsibility, whether a therapist or a post in a forum such as this.Please write some more of how your journey is going, when you feel like sharing. I much appreciate it.Regards,Detlef>> > This discussion reminds me of how I have been being with « sad and> lonely »; maybe you'll find enough parallels in it for showing yet> another way of being with « learned helplesness ».> > I refer below the the « passengers in the bus » metaphor, one of> my favorites.> > Because I'm not sure if this is in « Get out of your mind ...» or> 'The Happiness Trap », here's a link where you'll find more:> > http://www.goodmedicine.org.uk/stressedtozest/2009/01/bus-driver-metapho\> r> <http://www.goodmedicine.org.uk/stressedtozest/2009/01/bus-driver-metaph\> or>> > I have been « openly » sad and lonely for large parts of my> childhood, and later on it was still there, but I had « better ways> » of hiding it and making up for it: good student, good sportsman,> good worker, you get the idea. But then also easily devastated (and> often very angry afterwards) when other people didn't see me as so good> and let me know it.> > I tried many different therapeutic ways to « overcome it », and> much of it has been about building better façades... I can see that> now, I didn't at the time...> > Then came ACT, and I more clearly began to see « sad and lonely »> as a « part of me » instead of keeping with more official> psychological labels that it has been given. « Part of me, not all of> me », « the sad and lonely boy in me ».> > I hugged it first, then put a loving hand on my upper chest (which> seemed to be his « home »), in the way Russ has written> about it, and other things that seemed to be « being a good father> for him ». This became a good and regular practice for me.> > I also listened a lot to Neil Young...> > (BTW, I found it much easier to be a good and caring father to my real> son than to this « sad and lonely boy »).> > And since then I play with the « bus and it's passengers »> metaphor.> > As « the driver in the bus », I pick him (« sad and lonely> ») up for school, welcome him in my bus with a gentle smile, and> invite him to sit on the first chair on the right, behind me. And> whenever I stop before a traffic-light, I turn to look at him. Often he> doesn't seem to notice, he's slumped in his chair. But I do think he> notices something... Anyway, no pushing, no cheering him up... Just> being showing him for a second that I care for him. When arrived at> school, it is nothing out of the ordinary to get out of the chair and> say bye and good luck to the kids that get out, every one at the time.> This, the « sad and lonely » boy can better see, and take in for a> second.> > And then I go on with my bus, heading to other destinations for the day,> my heart at times a bit heavy, but especially caring, and imagining that> at times it is sending some light to the boy, as he sits in his class,> slumped most of the time. And I like to imagine that he remembers those> moments that our eyes met, and that he saw my smile for him. I think he> does.> > And so I wonder: would it be helpful for you to do something similar to> « learned helplesness » as a passenger in your bus?> > Take care,> > Maarten>

[Guest guest]

Thanks RandyAbout the Neil Young bit: in fact it would be better to say: "we" listened a lot to Neil Young.best to all,Maarten> >> > > > This discussion reminds me of how I have been being with « sad and> > lonely »; maybe you'll find enough parallels in it for showing yet> > another way of being with « learned helplesness ».> > > > I refer below the the « passengers in the bus » metaphor, one of> > my favorites.> > > > Because I'm not sure if this is in « Get out of your mind ...» or> > 'The Happiness Trap », here's a link where you'll find more:> > > > http://www.goodmedicine.org.uk/stressedtozest/2009/01/bus-driver-metapho\> > r> > <http://www.goodmedicine.org.uk/stressedtozest/2009/01/bus-driver-metaph\> > or>> > > > I have been « openly » sad and lonely for large parts of my> > childhood, and later on it was still there, but I had « better ways> > » of hiding it and making up for it: good student, good sportsman,> > good worker, you get the idea. But then also easily devastated (and> > often very angry afterwards) when other people didn't see me as so good> > and let me know it.> > > > I tried many different therapeutic ways to « overcome it », and> > much of it has been about building better façades... I can see that> > now, I didn't at the time...> > > > Then came ACT, and I more clearly began to see « sad and lonely »> > as a « part of me » instead of keeping with more official> > psychological labels that it has been given. « Part of me, not all of> > me », « the sad and lonely boy in me ».> > > > I hugged it first, then put a loving hand on my upper chest (which> > seemed to be his « home »), in the way Russ has written> > about it, and other things that seemed to be « being a good father> > for him ». This became a good and regular practice for me.> > > > I also listened a lot to Neil Young...> > > > (BTW, I found it much easier to be a good and caring father to my real> > son than to this « sad and lonely boy »).> > > > And since then I play with the « bus and it's passengers »> > metaphor.> > > > As « the driver in the bus », I pick him (« sad and lonely> > ») up for school, welcome him in my bus with a gentle smile, and> > invite him to sit on the first chair on the right, behind me. And> > whenever I stop before a traffic-light, I turn to look at him. Often he> > doesn't seem to notice, he's slumped in his chair. But I do think he> > notices something... Anyway, no pushing, no cheering him up... Just> > being showing him for a second that I care for him. When arrived at> > school, it is nothing out of the ordinary to get out of the chair and> > say bye and good luck to the kids that get out, every one at the time.> > This, the « sad and lonely » boy can better see, and take in for a> > second.> > > > And then I go on with my bus, heading to other destinations for the day,> > my heart at times a bit heavy, but especially caring, and imagining that> > at times it is sending some light to the boy, as he sits in his class,> > slumped most of the time. And I like to imagine that he remembers those> > moments that our eyes met, and that he saw my smile for him. I think he> > does.> > > > And so I wonder: would it be helpful for you to do something similar to> > « learned helplesness » as a passenger in your bus?> > > > Take care,> > > > Maarten> >>