Re: My Dad...What Do I Do?

[Guest guest]

April, I don't know how old you are, and what your health is, but let me

tell you, I drove to Florida from Texas. The trip was over 1,300 miles to the

southern part of Florida. I drove a pickup truck with a cabover camper on it.

And made it in two days. 12 hours one day, and 13 the next. I was fifty. I

also drove the trip home again, and I was alone. Many women drive these days.

I hope things work out for you.

Imogene

In a message dated 7/19/2006 10:46:20 PM Central Daylight Time,

jacquiwa@... writes:

Hi, April,

I understand how difficult it feels for you to decide what to do. Your

brother lives, it sounds like, three hours from where your dad is. How

often is he going to see your dad? As the one who has been doing the

caregiving for my mom for the last two years, I can sympathize with your

brother. When Mom lived three hours away from me, it made for very long

days to go see her and try to work, too.

I think that it's important for you and your brother to remain on good

terms. I think it's important for he and his wife to get some time to

do something fun, without having to worry about the expense or about

your dad's welfare. I think your brother may understand better than you

believe what is involved in you making the trip and, to be honest, it

sounds to me as if you might have some other reasons why making the trip

is being so problematic for you...such as being responsible for your

dad's care in that period of time and not having anyone around to help

who knows what to do. My impression is that this whole thing is being

overwhelming for you.

Your brother says that a caregiver will cost $800. What kind of care

will he require?

The plan is for your dad to go to his apartment and from there to the

assisted living facility. First, there is no guarantee the surgery will

have taken place by then, and if it has then who knows where your dad

will be. Would his doctor release him to a nursing home for rehab or

consider him in need of skilled nursing care for any period of time

prior to the assisted living facility having an opening? If your dad is

on Medicare, it may be that he would be eligible to go to a NH for a

short time where he can receive around the clock attention, and Medicare

would pay the bill if the doctor believes that he needs that care to

transition from hospital to assisted living.

As far as what goes into such a trip, I suggest that if there are no

other options available, you take your girls and go. Get your car into

the shop to be sure all is in good working order, sign up for AAA or

some other car club if necessary so you have road service, start early

in the morning and make the drive. It is a long drive to go 11 hours in

one day, but not impossible...and as the one in your brother's shoes, I

know that all the thank you's in the world don't mean much if siblings

don't pitch in now and then personally to help out. I am the one who,

day in and day out, is the one on the phone at least five times with

Mom, who goes to the NH to see her daily, who deals with the doctors and

NH staff and financial matters and all the minutiae of keeping things

going and getting the best possible care for Mom - starting back with

getting to the ER when she fell and driving 3 hours like a bat out of

hell to get there and the hospitals and different living arrangements

ever since.

I'm not sure where the milllion directions are that you're being

pulled. I do understand your desire to see your dad in case surgery

doesn't go well...and perhaps you can make the drive to see him this

weekend and then go again week after next. Your brother needs you, and

your father needs you.

I recognize the financial hardship of the trip, and I agree that perhaps

your brother can be called on for some help since he will probably lose

the price he paid for those tickets otherwise.

What I tell myself frequently, when I am resenting my three siblings

being no-shows and of no help whatsoever in the financial burdens of

Mom's care, is that my kids are seeing what I did for my dad and what I

am doing for my mom, and I hope that they recognize that this is how I

would hope they would care for me should I need it. More than that,

however, is what my parents did for me and gave to me during my life.

Mom cried when I saw her last about how she doesn't know what she would

have done without me and how she can never repay me. In fact, as I told

her, I am repaying her...she earned everything I do and more over the

course of my life. I only wish I could do more.

Where is that darned magic wand when I need it?

jacqui (from Puget Sound)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Is there any possibility that you could find someone

to care for your daughters and you take the plane

yourself. I know that's usually easier said than

done, especially if you have no family where you live.

Then, you would have some time with him, and the

expense wouldn't be quite as bad for flying. It's

just a suggestion. Or, if your brother would have to

cancel his trip, he'd probably lose his money on the

plane tickets, and maybe he would help you out a

little financially rather than lose that.

--- aswest1021 wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad.

> He said he had

> a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but

> nothing too

> grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be

> moved to the

> other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to

> make the 8 hour

> trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple

> of days,

> pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother

> said he wanted to

> give me an option, instead of going to see my dad

> this weekend. He

> and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2

> and return on

> Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need

> some time away.

> Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming

> to his house

> while they're away to take care of Dad in the event

> that he's had

> his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for

> him to return

> to his apartment, then move him into the assisted

> living facility

> within the month. My brother doesn't seem to

> understand what goes

> into making a trip like that. First of all, my

> husband works a full-

> time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and

> can't just pick up

> and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my

> brother's house is

> 11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day,

> it's best to

> break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if

> my husband can't

> go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone

> and that makes

> me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3

> airplane tickets

> because that would run us around $600. That just

> isn't an option.

> I just don't know how to make this work. I've been

> put in a

> position of where if we don't go and do as my

> brother has asked, I'm

> certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's

> already explained

> to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to

> cancel their

> trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of

> time they're

> gone will run about $800. He said several times

> that our agreeing

> to do this would help both him and our dad

> immensely. I'm sure it

> would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to

> believe. Plus,

> to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this

> weekend if he gets

> transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he

> doesn't fare

> well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I

> know my brother

> and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I

> tell them I

> appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help

> the fact that I

> live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do

> whatever I could to

> help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm

> being pulled in a

> million different directions.

>

> Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are

> you going to

> come see me? " This may be only a day or two after

> my husband's

> already visited with him. It makes my husband feel

> very guilty and

> stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that

> he just saw my

> husband last week. How should my husband deal with

> this? My

> husband barely has enough time to spend with his own

> family, much

> less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his

> parents. Oh, why

> can't life be easy?

>

> April

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi, April,

I understand how difficult it feels for you to decide what to do. Your

brother lives, it sounds like, three hours from where your dad is. How

often is he going to see your dad? As the one who has been doing the

caregiving for my mom for the last two years, I can sympathize with your

brother. When Mom lived three hours away from me, it made for very long

days to go see her and try to work, too.

I think that it's important for you and your brother to remain on good

terms. I think it's important for he and his wife to get some time to

do something fun, without having to worry about the expense or about

your dad's welfare. I think your brother may understand better than you

believe what is involved in you making the trip and, to be honest, it

sounds to me as if you might have some other reasons why making the trip

is being so problematic for you...such as being responsible for your

dad's care in that period of time and not having anyone around to help

who knows what to do. My impression is that this whole thing is being

overwhelming for you.

Your brother says that a caregiver will cost $800. What kind of care

will he require?

The plan is for your dad to go to his apartment and from there to the

assisted living facility. First, there is no guarantee the surgery will

have taken place by then, and if it has then who knows where your dad

will be. Would his doctor release him to a nursing home for rehab or

consider him in need of skilled nursing care for any period of time

prior to the assisted living facility having an opening? If your dad is

on Medicare, it may be that he would be eligible to go to a NH for a

short time where he can receive around the clock attention, and Medicare

would pay the bill if the doctor believes that he needs that care to

transition from hospital to assisted living.

As far as what goes into such a trip, I suggest that if there are no

other options available, you take your girls and go. Get your car into

the shop to be sure all is in good working order, sign up for AAA or

some other car club if necessary so you have road service, start early

in the morning and make the drive. It is a long drive to go 11 hours in

one day, but not impossible...and as the one in your brother's shoes, I

know that all the thank you's in the world don't mean much if siblings

don't pitch in now and then personally to help out. I am the one who,

day in and day out, is the one on the phone at least five times with

Mom, who goes to the NH to see her daily, who deals with the doctors and

NH staff and financial matters and all the minutiae of keeping things

going and getting the best possible care for Mom - starting back with

getting to the ER when she fell and driving 3 hours like a bat out of

hell to get there and the hospitals and different living arrangements

ever since.

I'm not sure where the milllion directions are that you're being

pulled. I do understand your desire to see your dad in case surgery

doesn't go well...and perhaps you can make the drive to see him this

weekend and then go again week after next. Your brother needs you, and

your father needs you.

I recognize the financial hardship of the trip, and I agree that perhaps

your brother can be called on for some help since he will probably lose

the price he paid for those tickets otherwise.

What I tell myself frequently, when I am resenting my three siblings

being no-shows and of no help whatsoever in the financial burdens of

Mom's care, is that my kids are seeing what I did for my dad and what I

am doing for my mom, and I hope that they recognize that this is how I

would hope they would care for me should I need it. More than that,

however, is what my parents did for me and gave to me during my life.

Mom cried when I saw her last about how she doesn't know what she would

have done without me and how she can never repay me. In fact, as I told

her, I am repaying her...she earned everything I do and more over the

course of my life. I only wish I could do more.

Where is that darned magic wand when I need it?

jacqui (from Puget Sound)

[Guest guest]

Hi April,

Take a breath. A nice deep calming breath. If you can't make the trip

when your bother needs you to he will just have to understand. He may

wind up with bad feelings but they are his responsibility not yours.

Illness is not always convenient for everyone. Maybe next time he can

coordinate with you ahead of time with a plan that works for

everyone. Maybe if your husband can't make the trip on the Montana

dates your brother would help with airline tickets for you and the

girls which would be much less than hiring a helper while he is gone

and Dad would be in better hands with you. It may cost him a few

bucks but he can have his trip and know that dad is in good hands and

you will have less stressed than driving alone with the girls.

It sounds like your gut instinct is telling you to go see dad this

weekend. I find it is always good to go with the gut. You are right,

you won't forgive yourself if he doesn't fare well and you didn't go

see him especially if your instincts are telling you to do so.

You sound so frantic and upset. Remember to breath. If you know in

your heart you are making good faith efforts it will help you to not

take on the guilt that some may throw your way.

Good luck

-- In LBDcaregivers , " aswest1021 "

wrote:

>

> Hi All,

>

> My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad. He said he had

> a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but nothing too

> grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be moved to the

> other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to make the 8 hour

> trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple of days,

> pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother said he wanted to

> give me an option, instead of going to see my dad this weekend. He

> and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2 and return on

> Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need some time away.

> Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming to his house

> while they're away to take care of Dad in the event that he's had

> his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for him to return

> to his apartment, then move him into the assisted living facility

> within the month. My brother doesn't seem to understand what goes

> into making a trip like that. First of all, my husband works a

full-

> time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and can't just pick up

> and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my brother's house is

> 11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day, it's best to

> break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if my husband

can't

> go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone and that makes

> me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3 airplane tickets

> because that would run us around $600. That just isn't an option.

> I just don't know how to make this work. I've been put in a

> position of where if we don't go and do as my brother has asked,

I'm

> certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's already explained

> to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to cancel their

> trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of time they're

> gone will run about $800. He said several times that our agreeing

> to do this would help both him and our dad immensely. I'm sure it

> would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to believe.

Plus,

> to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this weekend if he

gets

> transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he doesn't fare

> well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I know my

brother

> and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I tell them I

> appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help the fact that

I

> live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do whatever I could to

> help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm being pulled in

a

> million different directions.

>

> Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are you going to

> come see me? " This may be only a day or two after my husband's

> already visited with him. It makes my husband feel very guilty and

> stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that he just saw my

> husband last week. How should my husband deal with this? My

> husband barely has enough time to spend with his own family, much

> less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his parents. Oh, why

> can't life be easy?

>

> April

>

[Guest guest]

april,

i know this is hard for you, i know you have your obligations too, but your

brother and his wife do deserve a break. i have been i ntheir position and my

dads sister and her kids all were too busy to come visit day and give me some

relief.and after dad was gone, much sooner than they expected they were feeling

sorry for themselves for not coming down to help or visit. it is a very tough

decision. but think of it this way, if your dad was to pass on how would you

feel, would you feel like you should have done more??? or are you okay with what

you have done to help,, i know this is brutal question but one that should help

you deide what to do.

other options if you cannot go, is for your brother to call some nh and see if

htey can get him in for a caregiver respite. it wont be free but it may be

cheaper than the 800$ for a livin caregiver.

go with your heart, let your heart decide what to do, i konjw money is a

situation too,but usually somehow things do work out financially. good luck in

making this difficult decision. hugs, sharon m

--

Daugher of Leonard, diag May 2004, had lbd since 1993, had hip surgery from fall

7/05, aspiration pneumonia 7/05 with pulmonary embolyis, had aspiration

pneumonia and uti 8/05, died of blood pressure drop on 9/25/05,

may he rest in peace with his mom and dad,

a smile a day keeps the meanies away

---- aswest1021 wrote:

Hi All,

My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad. He said he had

a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but nothing too

grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be moved to the

other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to make the 8 hour

trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple of days,

pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother said he wanted to

give me an option, instead of going to see my dad this weekend. He

and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2 and return on

Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need some time away.

Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming to his house

while they're away to take care of Dad in the event that he's had

his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for him to return

to his apartment, then move him into the assisted living facility

within the month. My brother doesn't seem to understand what goes

into making a trip like that. First of all, my husband works a full-

time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and can't just pick up

and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my brother's house is

11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day, it's best to

break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if my husband can't

go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone and that makes

me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3 airplane tickets

because that would run us around $600. That just isn't an option.

I just don't know how to make this work. I've been put in a

position of where if we don't go and do as my brother has asked, I'm

certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's already explained

to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to cancel their

trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of time they're

gone will run about $800. He said several times that our agreeing

to do this would help both him and our dad immensely. I'm sure it

would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to believe. Plus,

to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this weekend if he gets

transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he doesn't fare

well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I know my brother

and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I tell them I

appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help the fact that I

live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do whatever I could to

help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm being pulled in a

million different directions.

Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are you going to

come see me? " This may be only a day or two after my husband's

already visited with him. It makes my husband feel very guilty and

stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that he just saw my

husband last week. How should my husband deal with this? My

husband barely has enough time to spend with his own family, much

less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his parents. Oh, why

can't life be easy?

April

[Guest guest]

April-

This is difficult to say, but it seems like you are coming up with too many

problems. Based on my own personal experience, my brother would visit every

week, but his visits were brief and interacted very little with our Dad. During

his half hr vist, he would sit in the kitchen with my Mother. On one

occasion, Dad was not doing well, so we notified my brother. His comments

was " So what can I do about it. " Unfortunately, my brother took Dad's death the

hardest. Since Dad died, he now visits my Mother every week. Spends several

hours with her and does all the hany man work for her. I and have wondered why

has he changed. He is now someone we can rely on. Maybe it is guilt, but I

don't think so. I believe the true reason is he was afraid and did not like

seeing his Dad in his deteriorating state. When we decided to keep Dad at home,

I was counting on family help. My brother made it clear, he could not change

diapers. That was fine with me. He did pay for six months worth of part time

care until money got tight for him. It basically boiled down to my Mother and I

caring for Dad. Everyone else had their own problems, just as you do Appril. I

was wondering if you too, April, are afraid of seeing your Dad and I question

even more if you are afraid to take care and be responsible for your Dad

without any support or help from your husband or brother. Your brother and his

family need and deserve that short break. I suggest rather than think why you

can't do this, start thinking how you can do it.

While working a full time job on the midnight shift, I took care of my Dad.

There were many challenges and sacrifices, but you know what I will never have

any regrets.

Sincerely,

Gerry

Daughter and caregiver of Dick Deverell, who died on 9/11/05 after a more than 4

yr battle with LBD

Re: My Dad...What Do I Do?

Is there any possibility that you could find someone

to care for your daughters and you take the plane

yourself. I know that's usually easier said than

done, especially if you have no family where you live.

Then, you would have some time with him, and the

expense wouldn't be quite as bad for flying. It's

just a suggestion. Or, if your brother would have to

cancel his trip, he'd probably lose his money on the

plane tickets, and maybe he would help you out a

little financially rather than lose that.

--- aswest1021 wrote:

> Hi All,

>

> My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad.

> He said he had

> a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but

> nothing too

> grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be

> moved to the

> other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to

> make the 8 hour

> trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple

> of days,

> pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother

> said he wanted to

> give me an option, instead of going to see my dad

> this weekend. He

> and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2

> and return on

> Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need

> some time away.

> Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming

> to his house

> while they're away to take care of Dad in the event

> that he's had

> his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for

> him to return

> to his apartment, then move him into the assisted

> living facility

> within the month. My brother doesn't seem to

> understand what goes

> into making a trip like that. First of all, my

> husband works a full-

> time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and

> can't just pick up

> and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my

> brother's house is

> 11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day,

> it's best to

> break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if

> my husband can't

> go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone

> and that makes

> me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3

> airplane tickets

> because that would run us around $600. That just

> isn't an option.

> I just don't know how to make this work. I've been

> put in a

> position of where if we don't go and do as my

> brother has asked, I'm

> certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's

> already explained

> to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to

> cancel their

> trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of

> time they're

> gone will run about $800. He said several times

> that our agreeing

> to do this would help both him and our dad

> immensely. I'm sure it

> would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to

> believe. Plus,

> to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this

> weekend if he gets

> transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he

> doesn't fare

> well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I

> know my brother

> and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I

> tell them I

> appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help

> the fact that I

> live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do

> whatever I could to

> help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm

> being pulled in a

> million different directions.

>

> Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are

> you going to

> come see me? " This may be only a day or two after

> my husband's

> already visited with him. It makes my husband feel

> very guilty and

> stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that

> he just saw my

> husband last week. How should my husband deal with

> this? My

> husband barely has enough time to spend with his own

> family, much

> less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his

> parents. Oh, why

> can't life be easy?

>

> April

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

April, your last posting sounds as if you are in a better place and I hope

that your fears, apprehension, and anxiety will diminish somewhat. I am

thankful that you were able to retrieve the memory of your brother's camping

trips. Knowing that may help give you some peace. I know what it is like to be

in

that paralyzed state where you must do something and all the questions and

answers become jumbled. I do hope that you will remember that you are only

responsible for what you do and not for the feelings of others. It is not

uncommon to attribute thoughts to others that they aren't thinking or surmising

what you think they will think. If your brother's trip doesn't pan out, maybe

that is the way it should turn out. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Arlene

[Guest guest]

Hi April,

I can understand how very much you want to see your dad. Both my mother and my

inlaws have been adamant through the years that any travelling costs we

encounter on

their behalves get reimbursed, or paid up front. My mother always gave me gas

money

when still functioning enough to do so, gave my sister flight money when she

would visit,

and I continue that to this day while she lives within Leweyville. Would your

dad be in a

financial position to help you with travel costs? If so, I am sure he would

want to.

, Oakville Ont.

Mom 92, 13 years " Parkinsons "

3 1/2 years ago LBD diagnosis, evident much longer in hindsight.

Encouraged to give up her licence 6 years ago.

Eltroxin, Tylenol 1g 3 times a day

Off Aricept since Feb./06

On " gentle care " June 30/06, spoon-fed pureed foods, swallowing very

compromised

>

> Hi All,

>

> My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad. He said he had

> a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but nothing too

> grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be moved to the

> other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to make the 8 hour

> trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple of days,

> pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother said he wanted to

> give me an option, instead of going to see my dad this weekend. He

> and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2 and return on

> Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need some time away.

> Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming to his house

> while they're away to take care of Dad in the event that he's had

> his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for him to return

> to his apartment, then move him into the assisted living facility

> within the month. My brother doesn't seem to understand what goes

> into making a trip like that. First of all, my husband works a full-

> time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and can't just pick up

> and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my brother's house is

> 11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day, it's best to

> break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if my husband can't

> go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone and that makes

> me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3 airplane tickets

> because that would run us around $600. That just isn't an option.

> I just don't know how to make this work. I've been put in a

> position of where if we don't go and do as my brother has asked, I'm

> certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's already explained

> to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to cancel their

> trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of time they're

> gone will run about $800. He said several times that our agreeing

> to do this would help both him and our dad immensely. I'm sure it

> would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to believe. Plus,

> to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this weekend if he gets

> transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he doesn't fare

> well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I know my brother

> and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I tell them I

> appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help the fact that I

> live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do whatever I could to

> help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm being pulled in a

> million different directions.

>

> Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are you going to

> come see me? " This may be only a day or two after my husband's

> already visited with him. It makes my husband feel very guilty and

> stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that he just saw my

> husband last week. How should my husband deal with this? My

> husband barely has enough time to spend with his own family, much

> less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his parents. Oh, why

> can't life be easy?

>

> April

>

[Guest guest]

Great Advice! Since most need to 'spend down' anyway...

> >

> > Hi All,

> >

> > My brother called tonight and updated me on my dad. He said he

had

> > a good day, with a few episodes of quirkiness, but nothing too

> > grand. We STILL don't have word as to when he'll be moved to the

> > other VA Hospital. My family and I had planned to make the 8

hour

> > trip to Ark. this weekend to see my dad for a couple of days,

> > pending he'd been transferred. Well, my brother said he wanted

to

> > give me an option, instead of going to see my dad this weekend.

He

> > and his wife are sched. to fly to Montana on Aug. 2 and return on

> > Aug. 6 for just a fun trip. Lord knows they need some time

away.

> > Here's the glitch...he asked if we'd consider coming to his house

> > while they're away to take care of Dad in the event that he's had

> > his surgery and he's been released. The plan is for him to

return

> > to his apartment, then move him into the assisted living facility

> > within the month. My brother doesn't seem to understand what goes

> > into making a trip like that. First of all, my husband works a

full-

> > time job as Vice President of Regional Sales and can't just pick

up

> > and take off of work. Secondly, the drive to my brother's house

is

> > 11 LONG hours. Though you can drive it in one day, it's best to

> > break it up. Thirdly, my girls are 9 and 14 and if my husband

can't

> > go with us, it would be us three girls driving alone and that

makes

> > me very nervous. We can't afford to purchase 3 airplane tickets

> > because that would run us around $600. That just isn't an

option.

> > I just don't know how to make this work. I've been put in a

> > position of where if we don't go and do as my brother has asked,

I'm

> > certain he'll have ill feelings towards me. He's already

explained

> > to me that if I can't make it work, he'll have to cancel their

> > trip. He said to hire a caregiver for the amount of time they're

> > gone will run about $800. He said several times that our

agreeing

> > to do this would help both him and our dad immensely. I'm sure

it

> > would, but it just isn't as easy as he would like to believe.

Plus,

> > to be honest, I was wanting to go see my dad this weekend if he

gets

> > transferred because I fear that if I dont't and he doesn't fare

> > well, I will never forgive myself. What do I do? I know my

brother

> > and sister-in-law have done so much for my dad and I tell them I

> > appreciate them all the time. However, I can't help the fact

that I

> > live so far away. If I lived closer, I'd do whatever I could to

> > help care for my dad. Any advice? I feel like I'm being pulled

in a

> > million different directions.

> >

> > Also, my FIL continually asks my husband, " When are you going to

> > come see me? " This may be only a day or two after my husband's

> > already visited with him. It makes my husband feel very guilty

and

> > stressed. I guess my FIL isn't able to realize that he just saw

my

> > husband last week. How should my husband deal with this? My

> > husband barely has enough time to spend with his own family, much

> > less find the time to drive 3 hours to see his parents. Oh, why

> > can't life be easy?

> >

> > April

> >

>