a funny read

[Guest guest]

When I was twelve years old I accidentally substituted salt for

sugar in a cake recipe. I baked the cake, iced the cake, and served

it up. It looked like a cake, but as soon as you cut into it and

took a taste, you knew something else was going on. People are like

that too. Sometimes you just can't tell what's on the inside from

looking at the outside. Sometimes people are a big surprise, just

like the salt cake. Sometimes the surprise turns out to be good. And

sometimes the surprise turns out to be bad. And sometimes the

surprise is just friggin' confusing.

Joe Morelli is one of those good surprises. He's two years older

than me, and for most of my school years, spending time with Morelli

was like a visit to the dark side, alluring and frightening. He's a

Trenton cop now, and he's my off-again, on-again boyfriend. He used

to be the hair-raising part of my life, but my life has had a lot of

changes, and now he's the normal part. He has a dog named Bob, and a

nice little house, and a toaster. On the outside Morelli is still

street tough and dangerously alluring. On the inside Morelli is now

the guy with the toaster. Go figure.

I have a hamster named Rex, a utilitarian apartment, and my toaster

is broken. My name is Plum, and I work as a bond

enforcement agent, AKA bounty hunter, for my cousin Vinnie. It's not

a great job, but it has its moments, and if I mooch food off my

parents the job almost pays enough to get me through the month. It

would pay a lot more but the truth is, I'm not all that good at it.

Sometimes I moonlight for a guy named Ranger who's extremely bad in

an incredibly good way. He's a security expert, and a bounty hunter,

and he moves like smoke. Ranger is milk chocolate on the

outside ...a delicious, tempting, forbidden pleasure. And no one

knows what's on the inside. Ranger keeps his own counsel.

I work with two women I like a lot. Connie Rosolli is Vinnie's

office manager and junk-yard dog. She's a little older than I am. A

little smarter. A little tougher. A little more Italian. She's got a

lot more chest, and she dresses like Betty Boop.

The other woman is my sometimes partner Lula. Lula was at this

moment, parading around in the bail bonds office, showing Connie and

me her new outfit. Lula is a way-beyond-voluptuous black woman who

was currently squashed into four-inch spike heels and a sparkly gold

spandex dress that had been constructed for a much smaller woman.

The neckline was low, and the only thing keeping Lula's big boobs

from popping out was the fact that the material was snagged on her

nipples. The skirt was stretched tight across her ass and hung two

inches below the full moon.

With Connie and Lula you get what you see.

Lula bent to take a look at the heel on her shoe, and Connie was

treated to a view of the night sky.

" Crikey, " Connie said. " You need to put some underwear on. "

" I got underwear on, " Lula said. " I'm wearing my best thong.

Just 'cause I used to be a 'ho don't mean I'm cheap. Problem is that

little thong stringy gets lost in all my derriere. "

" Tell me again what you're doing in this get-up, " Connie said.

" I'm gonna be a rock and roll singer. I got a gig singing with Sally

Sweet's new band. You heard of The Who? Well, we're gonna be The

What. "

You can't sing, " Connie said. " I've heard you sing. You can't hold a

tune to Happy Birthday. "

" The hell I can't, " Lula said. " I could sing your ass off. Besides,

half those rock singers can't sing. They just open their big

oversize mouth and yell. And you gotta admit, I look good in this

here dress. Nobody gonna be paying attention to my singing when I'm

wearing this dress. "

" She's got a point, " I said to Connie.

" No argument, " Connie said.

" I'm under-realized, " Lula said. " I gotta lot of untapped potential.

Yesterday my horoscope said I gotta expand my horizons. "

" You expand anymore in that dress, and you'll get yourself

arrested, " Connie said.

The bonds office is on Hamilton Avenue, a couple blocks from Saint

Frances Hospital. Handy for bonding out guys who've been shot. It's

a small store front office sandwiched between a beauty parlor and a

used bookstore. There's an outer room with a scarred imitation

leather couch, a couple folding chairs, Connie's desk and computer

and a bank of files. Vinnie's office is located in a room behind

Connie's desk.

When I started working for Vinnie he used his office to talk to his

bookie and set up nooners with barnyard animals, but Vinnie has

recently discovered the internet, and now Vinnie uses his office to

surf porn sites and online casinos. Behind the bank of file cabinets

is a storeroom filled with the nuts and bolts of the bailbonds

business. Confiscated televisions, dvd players, ipods, computers, a

velvet painting of Elvis, a set of cookware, blenders, kids bikes,

engagement rings, a tricked out Hog, a bunch of Foreman

grills, and God knows what else. Vinnie had some guns and ammo back

there too. Plus a box of cuffs that he got on ebay. There's a small

bathroom that Connie keeps spotless and a back door in case there's

a need to sneak off.

" I hate to be a party pooper, " Connie said, " but we're going to have

to put the fashion show on hold because we have a problem. " She slid

a stack of folders across her desk at me. " These are all unresolved

skips. If we don't find some of these guys we're going belly up. "

Here's the way bailbonds works. If you're accused of a crime and you

don't want to sit and rot in jail while you're waiting for your

trial to come up, you can give the court a wad of money. The court

takes the money and lets you walk, and you get the money back when

you show up on your trial date. If you don't have that money stashed

under your mattress, a bail bondsman can give the court the money on

your behalf. He'll charge you a percentage of the money (maybe ten

percent), and he'll keep that percentage whether you're proven

guilty or not. If the accused shows up for court, the court gives

the bail bondsman his money back. If the accused doesn't show up,

the court keeps the money until the bondsman finds the accused and

drags his sorry butt back to jail.

So you see the problem, right? Too much money going out and not

enough money going in, and Vinnie might have to refinance his house.

Or worse, the insurance company that backs Vinnie could yank the

plug.

Lula and I can't keep up with the skips, " I said to Connie. " There

are too many of them. "

" Yeah, and I'll tell you the problem, " Lula said. " Ranger's not

pulling his weight. Any more there's just and me catching

bad guys. "

It was true. Ranger had moved most of his business toward the

security side and only went into tracking mode when something came

in that was over my head. There are some who might argue everything

is over my head, but for practical purposes we've had to ignore that

argument.

" I hate to say this, " I told Connie, " but you need to hire another

bond enforcement person. "

" It's not that easy, " Connie said. " Remember when we had Joyce

Barnhardt working here? That was a disaster. "

Joyce Barnhardt is my archenemy. I went all through school with her,

and she was a misery. And before the ink was dry on my marriage

license she was in bed with my husband who is now my ex-husband.

Thank you Joyce.

" We could put a ad in the paper, " Lula said. " That's how I got my

filing job here. Look at how good that turned out. "

Connie and I did eye rolls.

Lula was about the worst file clerk ever. Lula kept her job because

no one else would tolerate Vinnie. The first time Vinnie made a grab

at Lula she clocked him on the side of the head with a five-pound

phone book and told him she'd staple his nuts to the wall if he

didn't show respect. And that was the end of sexual harassment in

the bail bonds office.

Connie read the names off the files on her desk. " Lonnie ,

Gallager, Leon , Dooby Biagi, Caroline Scarziolli, Melvin

Pickle, Chin, Bernard Brown, Lee Truk, Queen,

Santos. These are all current. You already have half of them. The

rest came in last night. Plus we have nine outstanding that we've

relegated to the " temporarily lost cause " file. Word's getting out

that we're not enforcing the bond. "

When someone doesn't show up for a court appearance we call them

FTA. Failure To Appear. People fail to appear for a bunch of

reasons. Hookers and pushers can make more money on the street than

they can in jail so they only show up in court when you finally stop

bonding them out. All other people just don't want to go to jail.

Connie gave me the new files and a wave of nausea slid through my

stomach. Lonnie was wanted for armed robbery. Leon was

suspected of arson and attempted murder. Gallager was wanted

for grand theft auto. Lee Truk had inserted a carving knife

into her husband's left buttock during a domestic disturbance. And

Melvin Pickle was caught with his pants down in the third row of the

multiplex.

Lula was looking over my shoulder, reading along with me.

" Melvin Pickle sounds like fun, " she said. " I think we should start

with Melvin. "

" Maybe an ad in the paper isn't such a bad idea, " I said to Connie.

" Yeah, " Lula said, " just be careful how you word it. You probably

want to fib a little. Like you don't want to say we're looking for

some gun happy lunatic to take down a bunch of scum bags. "

" I'll keep that in mind when I write it up, " Connie said.

" I'm going down the street, " I told Lula. " I need something to

settle my stomach. We'll go to work when I get back. "

" You going to the drugstore? " Lula wanted to know.

" No. The bakery. "

" I wouldn't mind if you brought me back one of them cream filled

doughnuts with the chocolate frosting, " Lula said. " I could use to

settle my stomach too. "

At mid-morning the Garden State was heating up. Pavement was

steaming under a cloudless sky, petrochemical plants were spewing to

the north, and cars were emitting hydrocarbons statewide. By mid-

afternoon I'd feel the toxic stew catch in the back of my throat,

and I'd know it was truly summer in Jersey. For me, the stew is part

of the Jersey experience. The stew has attitude. And it enhances the

pull of Point Pleasant. How can you completely appreciate the Jersey

shore if the air is safe to breath in the interior parts of the

state?

I swung into the bakery and went straight to the doughnut case.

Marjorie Lando was behind the counter, filling cannoli for a

customer. Fine by me. I could wait my turn. The bakery was always a

soothing experience. My heart rate slowed in the presence of massive

quantities of sugar and lard. My mind floated over the acres of

cookies and cakes and doughnuts and cream pies topped with rainbow

sprinkles, chocolate frosting, whipped cream and meringue.

I was in my zone, patiently contemplating my doughnut selection when

I sensed a familiar presence behind me. A hand brushed my hair back,

and Ranger leaned into me and kissed me on the nape of my neck.

" I could get you to look at me like that if I had five minutes alone

with you, " Ranger said.

" I'll give you five minutes alone with me if you'll take over half

my skips. "

" Tempting, " Ranger said, " but I'm on my way to the airport, and I'm

not sure when I'll be back. Tank is in charge. Call him if you need

help. And let him know if you decide to move into my apartment. "

Not that long ago I needed a safe place to stay and sort of

commandeered Ranger's apartment when he was out of town. Ranger had

come home and found me sleeping in his bed like Goldilocks. He'd

very graciously not thrown me out the seventh floor window. And in

fact he'd allowed me to stay with a minimum of sexual harassment.

Okay, maybe minimum isn't entirely accurate. Maybe it was a seven on

a scale of ten, but he hadn't forced the issue.

" How did you know I was here? " I asked him.

" I stopped at the bonds office, and Lula told me you were on a

doughnut mission. "

" Where are you going? "

" Miami. "

" Is this business or pleasure? "

" It's bad business. "

Marjorie finished with her customer and made her way over to

me. " What'll it be? " she wanted to know.

" A dozen Boston cream doughnuts. "

" Babe, " Ranger said.

" They're not all for me. "

Ranger doesn't often smile. Mostly he thinks about smiling, and this

was one of those thinking smile times. He wrapped his hand around my

wrist, pulled me to him and kissed me. The kiss was warm and short.

No tongue in front of the bakery lady, thank God. He turned and

walked away. Tank was idling at the curb in a black SUV. Ranger got

in and they drove off.

Marjorie was behind the counter with a cardboard box in her hand and

her mouth dropped open. " Wow, " she said.

That dragged a sigh out of me because she was right. Ranger was

definitely a wow. He stood half a head taller than me. He was

perfectly toned muscle, and he had classic Latino good looks. He

always smelled great. He dressed only in black. His skin was dark.

His eyes were dark. His hair was dark. His life was dark. Ranger had

lots of secrets.

" It's a work relationship, " I told Marjorie.

" If he was in here any longer the chocolate would have melted off

the eclairs. "

" I don't like this, " Lula said. " I wanted to go after the pervert. I

personally think it's a bad choice to go after the guy who likes

guns. "

" He's got the highest bond. The fastest way to dig Vinnie out of the

hole is to get the guy with the highest bond. "

We were in Lula's red Firebird, sitting across the street from

Lonnie 's last known address. It was a small clapboard

bungalow in a depressed neighborhood that backed up to the hockey

arena. It was close to noon and not a great time to roust a bad guy.

If he's still in bed it's because he's drunk and mean. If he's not

in bed it's most likely because he's at a bar getting drunk and mean.

" What's the plan? " Lula wanted to know. " We gonna just bust in like

gangsta bounty hunter and kick his ass? "

I looked at Lula. " Have we ever done that? "

" Don't mean we can't. "

" We'd look like idiots. We're incompetent. "

" That's harsh, " Lula said. " And I don't think we're completely

incompetent. I think we're closer to eighty percent incompetent.

Remember the time you wrestled that naked greased up fat guy? You

did a good job with that one. "

" Too early in the day to do the pizza delivery routine, " I said.

" Can't do the flower delivery either. Nobody believe someone sending

flowers to this dope. "

" If you hadn't changed clothes you could do the hooker delivery

routine, " I said to Lula. " He would have opened the door to you in

that gold thing. "

" Maybe we pretend we're selling cookies. Like Girl Scouts. All we

gotta do is go back to the 7-Eleven and get some cookies. "

I looked 's phone number up on the bond sheet and called him

from my cell.

" Yeah? " a man said.

" Lonnie ?

" What the fuck you want? Fuckin' bitch calling me at this hour. You

think I got nothin' better to do than answer this phone? " And he

hung up.

" Well? " Lula asked.

" He didn't feel like talking. And he's angry. "

A shiny black Hummer with tinted windows and bling wheel covers

rolled down the street and stopped in front of 's house.

" Uh oh, " Lula said. " Company. "

The Hummer sat there for a moment and then opened fire on 's

house. Multiple weapons. At least one was automatic, firing

continuous rounds. Windows blew out and the house was drilled with

shots. Gunfire was returned from the house, and I saw the nose of a

rocket launcher poke out a front window. Obviously the Hummer saw it

too because it laid rubber taking off.

" Maybe this isn't a good time, " I said to Lula.

" I told you to go for the pervert. "

* * *

Melvin Pickle worked in a shoe store. The store was part of the mall

that attached to the multiplex where he'd been caught shaking hands

with the devil. I didn't have a lot of enthusiasm for this capture,

since I had some sympathetic feelings for Pickle. If I had to work

in a shoe store all day I might go to the multiplex to whack off

once in a while too.

" Not only is this going to be an easy catch, " Lula said, parking at

the food court entrance. " But we can get pizza and go shopping. "

A half hour later, we were full of pizza and had taken a couple new

perfumes out for a test drive. We'd moseyed down the mall and were

standing in front of Pickle's shoe store, scoping out the employees.

I had a photo of Pickle that had come with his bond agreement.

" That's him, " Lula said, looking over my shoulder. " That's him on

his knees, trying to sell that dumb woman those ugly ass shoes. "

According to Pickle's paperwork he'd just turned forty. He had sandy

colored hair that looked like it had been cut in boot camp. His skin

was pale, his eyes hidden behind round-rimmed glasses, his mouth

accented by a big herpes sore. He was 5'7 " and had an average build

gone soft. His slacks and dress shirt were just short of shabby. He

didn't look like he cared a whole lot if the woman bought the shoes.

I moved my cuffs from my shoulder bag to my jeans pocket. " I can

manage this, " I said to Lula. " You stay here in case he bolts. "

" I don't think he looks like a bolter, " Lula said. " I think he looks

more like the walking dead. "

I agreed with Lula. Pickle looked like he was two steps away from

putting a bullet in his brain. I moved behind him and waited for him

to stand.

" I love this shoe, " the woman said. " But I need a size nine. "

" I don't have a size nine, " Pickle said.

" Are you sure? "

" Yeah. "

" Maybe you should go back and look again. "

Pickle sucked air for a couple beats and nodded. " Sure, " he said.

He stood and turned and bumped into me.

" You're going to leave, aren't you? " I said. " I bet you're going to

go out the back door and go home and never come back. "

" It's a reccurring fantasy, " he said.

I glanced at my watch. It was twelve-thirty. " Have you had lunch? " I

asked him.

No. "

" Take your lunch now and come with me, and I'll buy you a piece of

pizza. "

" There's something wrong with this picture, " Pickle said. " Are you

one of those religious nuts who wants to save me? "

" No. I'm not a religious nut. " I held my hand out. " Plum. "

He automatically shook my hand. " Melvin Pickle. "

" I work for Plum Bail Bonds, " I said. " You missed a court

date, and you need to reschedule. "

" Sure, " he said.

" Now. "

" I can't go now. I gotta work. "

" You can take your lunch break. "

" I had plans for lunch. "

Probably going to see a movie. I was still holding his hand, and

with my other hand I clapped a bracelet on him.

He looked down at the cuff. " What's this? You can't do this. People

will ask questions. And then what will I tell them? I'll have to

tell them I'm a pervert! "

Two women looked over at him and raised their eyebrows.

" No one will care, " I said. I turned to the women. " You don't care,

right? "

" Right, " they murmured and hurried out of the store.

" Just walk out into the mall quietly with me, " I said. " I'll take

you to court and get you rebonded. "

Actually Vinnie would rebond him. Vinnie and Connie could write

bond. Lula and I did the capture thing.

" Darn, " Pickle said. " Darn it all. "

And he took off with the cuff dangling from his wrist. Lula stepped

in front of him, but he had momentum and knocked her on her ass. He

faltered for a moment, got his footing and ran off, into the mall. I

was ten steps behind him. I stumbled over Lula, scrambled to my feet

and kept going. I chased him through the mall and up an escalator.

A hotel with an open atrium was attached to one end of the mall.

Pickle ran into the hotel and barreled through the fire door into

the stairwell. I chased him up five flights of stairs and thought my

lungs were going to explode. He exited the stairwell, and I dragged

myself, gasping to the door.

There were seven floors to the hotel. All rooms opened to a hallway

that overlooked the hotel atrium. We were on the sixth floor. I

staggered out of the stairwell and saw that Pickle had made it

halfway around the atrium and was straddling the balcony railing.

" Don't come near me, " he yelled. " I'll jump. "

" Fine with me, " I said. " I get my money dead or alive. "

Pickle looked depressed at that fact. Or maybe Pickle just always

looked depressed.

" You're in pretty good shape, " I said, still winded. " How do you

stay in such good shape? "

" My car got repossessed. I walk everywhere. And all day long I'm up

and down with the shoes. At the end of the day my knees are killing

me. "

I was talking to him, creeping closer. " Why don't you get a

different job. One that's easier on your knees. "

" Are you kidding me? I'm lucky to have this job. Look at me. I'm a

loser. And now everybody's going to know I'm a pervert. I'm a

pervert loser. And I have a big herpes. I'm a pervert loser with a

herpes! "

" You need to get a grip. You don't have to be a pervert loser if you

don't want to be. "

He sat on the railing and swung both legs over. " Easy for you to

say. You aren't named Melvin Pickle. And I bet you were a baton

twirler in high school. You probably had friends. You probably date. "

" I don't exactly date, but I sort of have a boyfriend. "

" What does sort of mean? "

" It means that he looks like my boyfriend, but I don't say it out

loud. "

" Why not? " Pickle wanted to know.

" It feels weird. I'm not sure why. " Okay, I knew why, but I wasn't

going to say that out loud either. I had feelings for two men, and I

didn't know how to choose between them. " And I wish you wouldn't sit

like that. It's creeping me out. "

" Are you afraid I'll fall? I thought you didn't care. Remember dead

or alive? "

My cell phone was ringing in my bag.

" For crying out loud, answer it, " Pickle said. " Don't worry about

me, I'm only going to kill myself. "

I did an exaggerated eye-roll and answered the phone.

" Hey, " Lula said. " Where are you? I been looking all over. "

" I'm in the hotel at the end of the mall. "

" I'm right outside of that hotel. What are you doing there? Do you

have Pickle? "

" I don't exactly have Pickle. We're on the sixth floor and he's

thinking about jumping off the balcony. "

I looked over the railing and saw Lula walk into the atrium. She

looked up, and I waved at her.

" I see you, " Lula said. " Tell Pickle he's gonna make a big mess if

he jumps. This floor's marble, and his head's gonna crack open like

a fresh egg, and there's gonna be brains and blood all over the

place. "

I disconnected and relayed the message to Pickle.

" I have a plan, " he said. " I'm going to jump feet first. That way my

head won't make such an impact when I land. "

Pickle was getting noticed. People were dotted around the atrium,

looking up at him. The elevator opened behind me and a man in a suit

stepped out.

" What's going on here? " he wanted to know.

" Don't come near me! " Pickle yelled. " If you come near me, I'll

jump. "

" I'm the hotel manager, " the man said. " Is there something I can do? "

" Do you have a giant net? " I asked him.

" Just go away, " Pickle said. " I have big problems. I'm a pervert. "

" You don't look like a pervert, " the manager said.

" I whacked off in the multiplex, " Pickle told him.

" Everybody whacks off in the multiplex, " the manager said. " I like

to go when there's one of those chick flicks playing, and I wear my

wife's panties and I... "

" Jeez, " Pickle said. " Too much information. "

The manager disappeared behind the elevator doors and minutes later

reappeared in the lobby. He stood in a small cluster of hotel

employees, everyone with their head back, their eyes glued to Pickle.

" You're making a scene, " I said to Pickle.

" Yeah, " Pickle said. " Pretty soon they're going to start

yelling 'jump'. The human race is lacking. Have you noticed? "

" There are some good people, " I told him.

" Oh yeah? Who's the best person you know. Of all the people you know

personally, is there anyone who has a sense of right and wrong and

lives by it? "

This was a sticky question because it would have to be Ranger ...but

I suspected he occasionally killed people. Only bad people, of

course, but still...

The crowd in the atrium was growing and now included some uniformed

security guys and two Trenton cops. One of the cops was on his two-

way, probably calling Morelli to tell him I was involved in yet

another disaster. A camera man and his assistant joined the crowd.

" We're on television, " I told Pickle.

Pickle looked down, waved at the camera, and everyone cheered.

" This is getting too weird, " I told Pickle. " I'm leaving. "

" You can't leave. If you leave I'll jump. "

" I don't care, remember? "

" Of course you care. You'll be responsible for my death. "

" Oh no. No, no, no. " I wagged my finger at him. " That won't work

with me. I grew up in the Burg. I was raised Catholic. I know guilt

in and out. The first thirty years of my life were ruled by guilt.

Not that guilt is an entirely bad thing. But you're not going to lay

it on me. Whether you live or die is your choice. I have nothing to

do with it. I'm not taking responsibility for the state of the pot

roast any more. "

" Pot roast? "

" Every Friday I'm expected for dinner at my parent's house. Every

Friday my mom makes pot roast. If I'm late, the pot roast cooks too

long and gets dry, and it's all my fault. "

" And? "

" And it's not my fault! "

" Of course it's your fault. You were late. They were nice enough to

make a pot roast for you. Then they were nice enough to hold dinner

for you even though it meant ruining the pot roast. Boy, you should

learn some manners. "

My cell phone rang again. It was my Grandma Mazur. She lives with my

mom and dad. She moved in when Grandpa Mazur sailed off in a heaven

bound gravy boat.

" You're on television, " she said. " I was trying to find Judge Judy,

and you popped up. They said you were breaking news. Are you trying

to rescue that guy on the railing, or are you trying to get him to

jump? "

" In the beginning I was trying to rescue him, " I said. " But I'm

starting to change my mind. "

" I gotta go now, " Grandma said. " I gotta call Ruth Biablocki and

tell her you're on television. She's always going on about her

granddaughter and how she's got that good job at the bank. Well

let's see her top this one. Her granddaughter don't get on

television! "

" What are you so depressed about that you want to jump off this

balcony? " I asked Pickle. " Jumping to your death is pretty severe. "

" My life sucks! My wife left me and took everything, including my

clothes and my dog. I got fired from my job and had to go to work in

a shoe store. I have no money so I had to move back home and live

with my mother. And I got caught whacking off in a multiplex. Could

it possibly get any worse? "

" You have your health. "

" I think I'm getting a cold. And as you can see because you're

staring I have a huge oozing herpes! "

My phone rang again.

" Cupcake, " Morelli said. " I don't like finding you in a hotel with

another guy. "

I looked down and saw Morelli standing next to Lula.

" He's a jumper, " I told Morelli.

" Yeah, " Morelli said. " I can see that. What's the story? "

" He got caught whacking off in the multiplex and doesn't want to go

to jail. "

" He won't get a lot of jail time for that, " Morelli said. " Maybe a

couple weekends or community service. It's not a big deal. Everyone

whacks off in the multiplex. "

I relayed the message to Pickle.

" It's not just jail, " Pickle said. " It's me. I'm a loser. "

Morelli was still on the phone. " Now what? "

" He's a loser. "

" You're on your own with that one, " Morelli said. " Are you going to

need help with this? "

" Maybe you need ...vitamins, " I said to Pickle.

Pickle looked at me. Hopeful. " Do you think that could be it? "

" Yeah. If you get off the railing we could go to the health food

store and get some. "

" You're just saying that to get me off the railing. "

" True. The police will probably arrest you for being a nut. You'll

have to go to the station and wait for Vinnie to get there to bond

you out again. "

" I can't afford to get bonded out again. I just walked off my job.

I'm probably unemployed. "

" Oh for the love of everything holy. " I peeked at my watch. I didn't

have time for this. I had other fish to fry. " How about this. We

need someone to do filing at the bonds office. Maybe I can get

Vinnie to hire you so you can work off the fee to get bonded out. "

" Really? You'd do that for me? "

Morelli was still listening in. " Okay, so far we've promised him

community service, vitamins, and a job. The only thing left that he

could possibly want is gorilla sex. And if you promise that to him

I'm not going to be happy. "

I disconnected Morelli and put the phone back into my pocket.

" About the job, " Pickle said. " Vinnie wouldn't mind that I'm

a ...you know, pervert? "

That was pretty funny. Vinnie minding that Pickle whacked off at the

multiplex. " It's probably the only thing you have going for you, " I

told Pickle.

" Okay, " he said. " But you're going to have to help me get off this

railing. I'm terrified to move. "

I grabbed the back of his shirt and hauled him off the railing, and

we both collapsed into a heap on the floor. The crowd reaction was

mixed. Some cheers and some boos. We got to our feet, I cuffed his

hands behind his back and led him to the elevator.

Morelli was waiting for me when the doors opened at the atrium

level. He stepped in with two uniforms, and we all rode one floor

down to the parking garage where a cruiser was idling. I got Pickle

into the back seat, and promised to get him re-bonded.

" And the vitamins, " Pickle said. " Don't forget the vitamins. "

" Sure. "

The cruiser took off, and I turned to Morelli. He was standing

thumbs hooked into his jeans pockets, and he was smiling at me.

Morelli is six foot tall and is all lean planes and angles and hard

muscle. His complexion is Mediterranean. His hair is almost black

and curls against his neck. His brown eyes are liquid chocolate when

he's aroused.

" What? " I asked Morelli.

" I can always count on you to add some fun to the day. Did you make

any more promises after you hung up on me? "

" None you want to know about. "

The smile widened. " Bob misses you. He hasn't seen you in a couple

days. "

Bob is Morelli's big orange dog. And this is Morelli's ploy when he

wants me to do a sleepover. Not that he needs a ploy.

" I'll have to call you later this afternoon, " I said. " I don't know

how my day will go. I'm on a mission to clean up a bunch of FTAs for

Vinnie. "

He curled his fingers into my T-shirt, pulled me to him and kissed

me. There was a lot of tongue involved and some wandering hands.

When he was done he held me at arms length. " Be careful, " he said.

" Too late, " I told him.

He moved me five steps backward into the elevator, pushed the button

and sent me up to the atrium where Lula was waiting.

" I'm not even going to guess what went on in that parking garage, "

Lula said. " But you better wipe that goofy smile off your face, or

people are gonna get the right idea. "

I called Connie and told her about Pickle.

" Vinnie's out of town, " she said. " I'll bond Pickle out. And before

I forget, there was a woman in here asking for you. She said her

name was Carmen. "

Off-hand I couldn't think of anyone I knew named Carmen. " Did she

say what she wanted? "

" She said it was personal. I'm guessing she was in her late

twenties. Soft spoken. Pretty. And crazy. "

Great. " What kind of crazy are we talking about? Crazy stressed?

Crazy dressed in clown shoes with a red rubber nose? Or crazy crazy? "

" Crazy stressed and crazy crazy. She was dressed all in black. Like

Ranger. Black boots, black cargo pants, black t-shirt, black hair.

And she was... intense. She said she would track you down. And then

she asked about Ranger. I guess she's looking for him too. "

" We got choices to make, " Lula said when I put my phone away. " We

could cruise for shoes, or we could embarrass ourselves some more by

pretending to be bounty hunters. "

" I think we're on a roll. I say we keep pretending to be bounty

hunters. "

" I want to see the woman who stabbed her husband in the ass, " Lula

said. " Let's do her next. "

" She's in the Burg, " I said to Lula, pulling the file on Lee

Truk. " I'll call my mom and see if she knows her. "

The Burg is a small chunk of Trenton just outside center city. It's

a working class neighborhood that can't keep a secret and takes care

of its own. My parents live in the Burg. My best friend Lou

Molnar lives in the Burg. Morelli's family is in the Burg. Morelli

and I have moved out... but we haven't moved far.

Grandma Mazur answered the phone. " Of course I know Lee Truk, "

Grandma said. " I play Bingo with her mother. "

" Does Lee get along with her husband? "

" Not since she stabbed him in the behind. I understand he got real

cranky about that and packed up and left. "

" Why did she stab him? "

" The story is that she asked him if he thought she was putting on

weight, and he said yes, and then she stabbed him. It was one of

them spontaneous acts. Lee's going through the change, and

everyone knows you don't just up and tell a menopausal woman she's

getting fat. I swear some men have no brains at all.

" And by the way, I forgot to tell you before, but some woman came to

the house this afternoon, looking for you. I said I didn't know

exactly where you were, and she said that was okay, that she'd find

you with or without anyone's help. And she was dressed like that

hottie you work with, Ranger. "

* * *

Lula pulled the Firebird into the curb, and we sat looking at the

Truk house.

" I don't have a good feeling about this, " Lula said.

" You were the one who wanted to do the butt stabber. "

" That was before I knew the menopause story. What if she has a hot

flash while we're there and goes loony tunes? "

" Just don't turn your back on her. And don't comment on her weight. "

I got out of the car and walked to the door, and Lula followed. I

was about to knock when the door was wrenched open, and Lee

glared out at me. She had short brown hair that looked like it had

been styled with an electric mixer. She was fifty-two according to

her bond papers. She was a couple inches shorter than me and a

couple pounds heavier.

" What? " she asked.

" Yow! " Lula whispered to me.

I introduced myself and gave Lee the routine about getting re-

bonded.

" I can't go with you, " she wailed. " Look at my hair! I used to be so

good with hair, but lately I can't do anything with this mess. "

" I use conditioner on mine, " Lula said. " Have you tried that? "

We both looked at Lula's hair. It was orangutan orange and the

texture of boar bristles.

" How about a hat? " I said.

" A hat, " Lee sobbed. " My hair's so bad I need a hat! "

Lee's face got red, and she stripped her T-shirt off. " God, it's hot

in here. " She was in her bra, sweating, and fanning herself with her

shirt.

Lula put her finger to the side of her head and made circles. The

international sign for bats in her belfry.

" I saw that! " Lee said, eyes narrowed. " You think I'm nuts. You

think the big fatso is nuts! "

" Lady, you just took your shirt off, " Lula said. " I used to do that

but I made money on it. "

Lee looked at the shirt in her hand. " I don't remember taking

it off. "

Lee's face wasn't red any more, and she'd stopped sweating, so

I took the shirt and tugged it over her head. " I can help you, " I

said. " I know just what you need. " I rummaged through my shoulder

bag, found my baseball cap and clapped it onto her head and tucked

most of her hair in. I did a fast walk through the house to make

sure it was locked up and Lee hadn't accidentally put the cat

in the oven, and then Lula and I steered Lee out of the house

and into the car.

Five minutes later I had Lee standing in front of the doughnut

case at the bakery.

" Okay, take a deep breath and look over all the doughnuts, " I told

her. " Look at the strawberry doughnut with the rainbow sprinkles.

Doesn't it make you happy? "

Lee smiled at the doughnut. " Pretty. "

" And the meringue that looks like a fluffy cloud. And the birthday

cakes with the pink and yellow roses. And the chocolate cream pie. "

" This is very relaxing, " Lee said.

I called Connie's cell phone. " Are you still at the courthouse? " I

asked her. " I'm bringing Lee Truk in and we're going to want to

bond her out right away before she gets another hot flash. "

" I hate to break into the moment, " Marjorie Lando said. " But what'll

it be? "

" A dozen assorted doughnuts to go, " I told her.

* * *

Lula dropped me off in front of the bonds office. " That wasn't so

bad, " she said. " We helped two lost souls today. That's real good

for my horizon expanding and positive karma stockpile. Usually we

just piss people off, and that don't do me any good in the karma

department. And it's only five o'clock. I got plenty of time to get

to rehearsal. See you tomorrow. "

" See you tomorrow, " I said, and I waved Lula away and beeped my car

open. I was driving a black and white Mini that I'd gotten

from Honest Dan the Used Car Man. The interior space was a little

cozy for carting bad guys off to jail, but the car had been the

right price, and it was fun to drive. I slid behind the wheel and

jumped when someone knocked on the driver's side window.

It was the woman dressed in black. She was young, maybe early

twenties. And she was pretty in a normal kind of way. She had thick

wavy brown hair that fell to her shoulders, blue eyes under long

lashes, and full lips that looked like they could easily go pouty.

She was maybe five feet five inches and had a nice shape with round

breasts stretching the fabric of her black T-shirt.

I started the car and rolled the window down. I had my bag on my lap

and my gun in my bag. The gun didn't have any bullets in it, but I

felt sort of like a professional when I carried it, and it gave me a

nice false sense of security. I was ready to pull the gun out and

scare the jeepers out of the woman if she got crazy.

" You wanted to speak to me? " I asked the woman.

The woman looked in the window at me. " You're Plum? "

" Yes. And you would be... "

" My name is Carmen Manoso, " she said. " I'm Ranger's wife. "

My stomach went into a free fall. If I'd been hit in the head with a

baseball bat, I wouldn't have been more stunned. I suppose I had to

assume there were women in Ranger's life, but I'd never seen any

women. There'd never been mention of any women. And there had never

been evidence of any women. Much less a wife! Ranger was a very sexy

guy, but he was also a lone wolf.

" I understand you're sleeping with my husband, " the woman said.

" You're misinformed, " I told her. Okay, once! But it was a while

ago, and she'd put the accusation into present tense.

" You were living with him. "

" I used his apartment as a safe house. "

" I don't believe you, " the woman said. " Where is he now? Is he in

your apartment? I've been to his office, and he isn't there. "

Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. You're not thinking

clearly. This doesn't feel right. This woman could be anyone.

" I'm going to need some identification, " I said to the woman.

She reached into a pocket on her black cargo pants and pulled out a

slim credit card holder. It contained a Virginia driver's license

issued to Carmen Manoso, plus two credit cards also issued to Carmen

Manoso.

So this told me she was Carmen Manoso. It still didn't confirm that

she was Ranger's wife.

" How long have you been married to Ranger? " I asked her.

" Almost six months. I knew he had an office here, and that he spent

a lot of time here. I never had reason to think he was cheating. I

trusted him. Until now. "

" And you don't trust him now, why? "

" He moved out. Like a thief in the night. Cleaned out our bank

account and stripped the office of all the files and computer

equipment. "

" When did this happen? "

" Last week. One minute he was in bed with me, telling me he was

returning to Trenton in the morning. And then poof! Gone. His cell

phone no longer in service. "

I punched Ranger's number into my cell phone and got his message

service. " Call me, " I said.

Carmen's eyes narrowed. " I knew you'd have a number for him. Bitch! "

And she reached behind her and drew a gun.

I stomped on the gas and the Mini sprang off the curb and jumped

forward. Carmen fired off two shots. One pinged off my rear fender.

Connie was right. Carmen Manoso was crazy. And maybe I was crazy

too, because I was lost in a rush of insane emotions. Not the least

of which was jealousy. Yikes, who would have thought that was hiding

in the closet? Plum jealous of a woman claiming to be

Ranger's wife. And the jealousy was mixed with anger and hurt

feelings that this was kept from me. That Ranger had misrepresented

himself. That this man I respected for his integrity and strength of

character might be not at all what he'd seemed.

Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don't go all hormonal. Get

the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.

this is one chapter of a new book that my all time favorite author

is releasing in a few weeks...she it utterly hialrious with this set

of characters...this is actually book 12 of a series. laughing out

loud hysterical...i'm sure my husband thought i was insane when i

was reading them and would burst out laughing........then he decided

to see what was so funny himself...my my how reading can be

contagious lol

jaime