RE: Expressions of love?

[Guest guest]

Oh Kathi how I can relate to you last comment: He is a good man, honest, I know in my head he loves me, I just don't feel it in my heart. I have been there more times than I can count over 32 years of marriage. I’m pretty lucky that is comfortable with me being 100% honest with him so I can tell him that is how I feel and also tell him what I need him to do so I CAN feel loved. Now what has changed for me is this: when I was young and he did not have a diagnosis I could not understand why he would treat me in ways that I considered unloving one minute and very loving the next. Now I know what is going on (to some limited degree) and I can try to understand that it isn’t that he doesn’t love me he just doesn’t think to express it in the ways I need it expressed so that I can feel it. The book, “the Five Love Languages” (I think that was the title) by Chapman, is very good at explaining this concept except that where a person who is an Aspie is concerned there is a different language altogether that we need to learn. Also In the past I might have told him what I needed and he might have done what I asked but I still would not have felt loved because I had to ask for it. But it is really my own feeling of lack of self worth that is getting in the way of me feeling loved, not his lack of showing me, because he does show me in a million different ways plus he is willing to show me in the specific ways I need it if I ask. So I know I need to work on my own self worth and work at realizing all the ways he is already showing me how much he loves me. For instance it could be possible that your husband was trying to show you how much he loves and is concerned for you by being overly aware of how much pressure he is putting with his head on your shoulder. I guess what I’m trying to say is that like other’s have and will say, only you can make the call about how much you can take or how much you have to invest in the relationship, but maybe you could learn his love language and maybe you could feel all the ways he is communicating love to you that you have been unaware of. The one thing I have learned being married to an Aspie is that I have to be very clear about what I need and give specific instructions about how to give me what I need. Wishing you all the best and sending a virtual hug to help give you the strength to do what is right and good for you,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of KATHISent: September-14-11 1:27 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Expressions of love? Wow, this week I have learned a lot about this group. Seems there's several of us in our 50's still trying to live with AS. I thought by this age my life would start to get easier. I thought my marriage would be solid and we'd be working together toward retirement. I thought we`d be sitting back enjoying our kids and grandkids together. This is a second marriage for me and a third for him. I met him at work. He was opposite from my first husb who was loud, aggressive and abusive. This husb is intelligent, soft spoken and at first interested in me. He wore plaid shirts and a pocket protector, lol. He really was someone I would not have given a second look. He pursued me and I gave him a chance. It was a whirlwind romance. There were hints that there were problems but it was so different than what I had experienced in my last relationship, I didn't pay much attention. The first give away was already being married 2 times, then there was not speaking to his family for over 15 yrs and the topper was not having a relationship with his daughter. She was about 15 then and the last time he saw was when she was 1. I know, red flag, red flag. I think now, who was I to think if he couldn't keep a relationship with the most important people in his life why would he be able to with me? His family is now part of our lives, his daughter came looking for him when she turned 18 and is a delight. His relationship with her is strained, understandably. She has become one of my kids and our daughters became real sisters. Twelve years have passed and we are still struggling. Every time I think I get a grip on this AS idea I am floored by a new experience. I am still learning how to deal with what seems so easy and normal to me but to him it's unthinkable. We are in counseling and when I think we're making progress I see a side and I wonder if it'll ever change. I watch our counselor's face and I see her surprise or maybe confusion, I am not sure what it is but it's there. Our last session we discussed apologies, which my husb doesn't give without having to be coxed. He gave this big explanation as to why he feels he shouldn't have to if he explains why things happened the way they did. The counselor explained why it's needed and how it would help our marriage if he would give one. This conversation took up our whole time there. At one point I could feel the tears welling and I couldn't hold back. I felt so sorry for him that he really felt so tied to this idea that giving an apology is a sign of weakness, that it's just words and changes nothing. He just couldn't understand the feelings that come with an apology. OMG! I felt his pain, he was so lost trying to understand or trying to make us see it his way. I left feeling a little hopeless. We spoke about it a little when we got home. I tried to explain from another angle, it didn't seem to sink in but we kept the emotion out. We spoke about intimacy and how I feel like I keep trying to crack his shell I gave him examples of how he couldn't play his drums for me yet could for a group of people. After 13 years I have never heard him play. Why couldn't he do that? Or how when he lays his head on my shoulder he doesn't relax, he holds back saying he's being considerate by not putting the full weight on me, what? I just feel there is no deep connection and I don't know if there ever will be. I guess it's up to me to decide whether I can continue to live like this, if this is enough? He is a good man, honest, I know in my head he loves me, I just don't feel it in my heart.Still trying to cope,Kathi

[Guest guest]

Kathi - I too can really relate to where you are coming from. I am new to this

group and am really struggling with some of the very same questions and

feelings. My husband would move the world for me if I asked him to but it's

just so hard feeling like I have to do double duty when it comes to thinking and

communicating. We too, have our struggles with being able to speak each other's

Love Languages - we have read the book and both really learned alot about

ourselves and each other through it but we also discovered that we our polar

opposites when it comes to those languages and what comes most natural to each

of us. I am trying very hard to learn as much as I can to understand his point

of view and to support him as much as I can while still protecting my emotions.

I too, wonder if what we have his enough to sustain us for another 40 years (we

are both in our 40s and have been married for almost 4 years). I know it my

head he loves me but I don't feel it in my heart. Reading about other's

experieces is really helping me to see where I can do a better job at relating

to him and to see the positive things in some of the AS traits that he has.