Re: Confused. . .I'm not figuring this out on my own.

[Guest guest]

> Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the experience of

> you nada changing

> her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking and

> screaming). And then,

> you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

> something like paranoid.

>

OMG yes. Mine realised (thru a few little thermonuclear bombshells that

were dropped on the House of FOO) that countless psychologists were on

to something. I actually think, for about 5 microseconds before the

turnaround miracle happened (again), that she thought she was a

" challenged " woman.

She has been rather fearful that I might tell people now that she has

remarried. (An aside: Of course, growing up, telling people what the

family was actually like was not encouraged. F**K ME. The end of the

world; armageddon, and not even the Jesus Hotline can save us - the

cycling hysterical screaming, sobbing, kicking, slapping,

pseudo-religious claptrap, weeping, and then hurling projectiles made

the mere insanity of " Normal " look *radiant*... All because someone

might think she was " challenged " . Control by chaos, thats what it is for

adults, but WTF is it for someone 3 years old and thinks that is as good

as it gets?)

Anyway, since she remarried she has been rather icy, as if she doesn't

know what to do with me because I dont have to live with (read suffer)

her, can leave at any time, but I can let the cat out of the bag and

people in her new family might see her a bit challenged as well. People

who think they can't stop raging really should try something like that.

Oh and PS:

since I let the cat out of the bag, and the dog along with it, with her

strategically in front of her ENTIRE FAMILY with Dad on call as backup,

she's been remarkably quiet. At least to *me* she has. And now she's

disowned me :):) Best thing I ever did was decide not play along

with her " keep it in the family, because you owe me YOUR LIFE " crap.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Yes, it's sort of like that. My mom doesn't have to worry about me ousting her

to some

new family--since we all know what she's like--but I think she has to worry

about me

never speaking to her again.

I've been a little aprehensive actually because I'm leaving the country with my

husband to

live in Europe in a few months. Part of me is afraid she's just on good

behavior because

she's afraid I'll just drop contact totally. And then there's the abandonment

thing. I can't

believe she hasn't flipped out more over that--So I'm waiting to see.

But it's hard knowing that you've gained the " respect " of a family member

because your

willing to protect yourself, not because that person cares about how you feel.

Trish

> > Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the experience of

> > you nada changing

> > her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking and

> > screaming). And then,

> > you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

> > something like paranoid.

> >

>

> OMG yes. Mine realised (thru a few little thermonuclear bombshells that

> were dropped on the House of FOO) that countless psychologists were on

> to something. I actually think, for about 5 microseconds before the

> turnaround miracle happened (again), that she thought she was a

> " challenged " woman.

> She has been rather fearful that I might tell people now that she has

> remarried. (An aside: Of course, growing up, telling people what the

> family was actually like was not encouraged. F**K ME. The end of the

> world; armageddon, and not even the Jesus Hotline can save us - the

> cycling hysterical screaming, sobbing, kicking, slapping,

> pseudo-religious claptrap, weeping, and then hurling projectiles made

> the mere insanity of " Normal " look *radiant*... All because someone

> might think she was " challenged " . Control by chaos, thats what it is for

> adults, but WTF is it for someone 3 years old and thinks that is as good

> as it gets?)

>

> Anyway, since she remarried she has been rather icy, as if she doesn't

> know what to do with me because I dont have to live with (read suffer)

> her, can leave at any time, but I can let the cat out of the bag and

> people in her new family might see her a bit challenged as well. People

> who think they can't stop raging really should try something like that.

>

>

>

>

> Oh and PS:

> since I let the cat out of the bag, and the dog along with it, with her

> strategically in front of her ENTIRE FAMILY with Dad on call as backup,

> she's been remarkably quiet. At least to *me* she has. And now she's

> disowned me :):) Best thing I ever did was decide not play along

> with her " keep it in the family, because you owe me YOUR LIFE " crap.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

> Part of me is afraid she's just on good behavior because

> she's afraid I'll just drop contact totally.

_______

Hi Trish,

Oh boy, there's a few things in that email. You might not enjoy reading

the next few sentences but can I ask you to persevere, If you don't want

to read it I apologise:

a) You haven't even left and you are worrying to the point you are

hoovering YOURSELF. Is she really that powerful?

You are so worried - that she might be worried - that there's a

possibly - you won't speak to her again. Put that way, does it sound

different?

c) I have the distinct impression she's never going to acknowledge,

validate, or respect you for any sign of independence whatsoever. Unless

she flies into a rage. Do you live with her?

Sorry if that's a bit harsh, but that kind of jumped out at me as I

read. They are gifted at controlling.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish,

I have experienced exactly what you describe. In fact, one step

further. I have to admit, as bad as nada was, I probably had it

better than everyone else. I always joke that there has been one

thing I was greatful to inherit from her - my ability to make others

stand down. (*Luckily I don't abuse this ability* Funny thing is I

have a very negative physical reaction any time I do stand up for

myself. I feel lightheaded, numb and almost out of body - strange.)

I remember specifically one time we were visiting her step-mom and s/m

told nada to take a shower. It was very insulting but can you just

imagine the reaction of a bpd being told to do such a thing. Anyhow,

when stepgrandmom came over to me I just gave her this look - like

don't mess with me. It was my defensive reaction against anyone

trying to impose will on me. Nada was shocked at how I stood up to

her. Nada was still trying to keep face with this side of the family

and couldn't let her rages become public knowledge.

My nada would ALWAYS talk about that incident and how cold I could be

(so not how anyone else I know would describe me) and that I gave off

this aura of screw off (lol). For some reason, as I got older, I

think nada was more intimidated by me. I think it happened as I got

stronger and fought for myself. And she was very threatened by my

being in therapy.

The weird thing is I start to question myself about her behavior. Is

bpd all or nothing? Maybe I wanted her to be normal so badly that

when she was acting okay I figured it was me blowing it all out of

porportion. She definitely has it (at least as well as I and my dr's

have been able to " diagnose " ). The more in line she was, the more

suspicious I became. Always waiting for the big bomb to drop. She

could always find a way to get to me even if I thought I had all my

bases covered. I became the paranoid one that, according to nada,

needed to get a grip.

I think what nada can never fully understand is that just the simple

fact she felt the need to " get back at me " has mortally wounded my

psyche. Nothing she ever could physically do (like throw out prized

possesions) or any name she could call me (or worse my dh)could do

near as much damage. The waiting created a tension that made me sick

to my core. It is why I went to complete nc. I needed her completely

out of my life with no fear of confrontation to begin working on

myself. It's like having to get out of the mindfield before being

able to bandage your wounds. Makes no sense to try to bandage up

wounds with more bombs going off around you. I just couldn't keep up.

Yikes, hope this helped. I feel all over the place tonight? I think

it's because fada's family has come out of the woodwork big time since

we found out he is sick. It has brought so many issues to the front

line and I have so much to sort though too.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. It just gives you longer to obsess over

everything you did do, should have done or may do some day.

Take care,

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish,

I think your instincts are sending out big warning signals to you,

and I think you should listen to them. We have all experienced a BP

make a change, start to feel safe, and then the other shoe would

drop. I am not saying this will happen, but I am saying that this

is a very reasonable fear to have.

Nada may have made a permanent change - or she may not have. It

seems it may be too soon to tell. Can you find a reason - any

reason - to be in a separate car for this 3 hour trip? How about

the truth? In these situations, I feel I am pretty practical -

whatever works that also does not harm other people seems an okay

thing to do/say.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the

experience of you nada changing

> her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking

and screaming). And then,

> you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

something like paranoid.

>

> I started standing up for myself about 6 months ago and have just

become much more

> assertive in general--so my nada has backed down quite a bit. We

actually spent

> Christmas with the FOO and it was dysfunctional but not abusive.

>

> The thing is, I've got this ingrained reaction now to start

panicking more and more as

> family visits draw near. I'm currently freaking out about a 3-day

visit that's comming up

> in February where we'll be riding in the same car on a short trip--

3 hours. I'm totally

> imaging that my nada will go crazy and start abusing everyone

because we're all trapped

> in the car together-- I know it's unlikely that that will occur

(particularly with my husband

> along).

>

> I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because I've asked for/insisted on

better treatment and gotten

> it, So now, if I say, " I don't want to ride in the car with you

because I'm afraid you'll abuse

> me and I want to be able to get away. . . " well, I just sound

paranoid. And even beyond

> " sounding " a certain way, I think it seems reasonable to spend

more time with my nada if

> she's behaving less crazy and we're getting along--it's just that

this new behavior has me

> confused and frankly I don't trust it. After all, it's only been

like this since August before

> that she was just escalating to worse and worse behavior.

>

> Could she have acted this way all along if someone had insisted on

it before? Does this

> mean she didn't have to make my life hell as a child? Does it

mean she doesn't have to

> abuse my dad? Or is she just waiting until I'm not expecting it to

go back to her old ways.

> I'm pretty sure that she is far, far away from admitting to having

hurt us all (me, my

> brothers and dad) and that she's mainly changed her treatment of

me because she knows

> there will be consequences she doesn't like.

>

> Also, I can still tell she has BPD--she does some really wacky

things still--just not to me

> for now. It's like I can see her restraining herself with all her

force and I don't know how

> long it will work. . .

>

> What do you all think?

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia, I hear you about trusting my gut reactions. It's something I don't tend

to do a lot,

but I should.

I've been trying to think of reasons not to be in the same car--it's difficult,

partly because

I'm actually afraid it will set her off. We were recently on a vacation all

together where my

husband and I insisted on our own car, but I could tell she didn't want us

to--she was

pushing for us to all ride together. Perhaps that's what made me uncomfortable.

I was

really sick, but still went on a day trip with the family anyway. When I said

that I wanted

my husband and I to take our own car so I could go back and rest if I needed to,

she said

" You can just rest in the car while we walk around. " I think that really does

show that she's

still unable to see that other people besides herself have needs. I don't want

to deal with

the pressure of sacrificing myself so she can have a good time.

It would be very hard for me to say the truth about not wanting to ride in the

car with her

w/o it triggering a meltdown on her part. But I might just say, I need to have

my own car,

I'm an adult and there's no reason for me(and my husband) not to have a car of

our own

on a 3-day trip.

Thanks for your message Sylvia I think it's helped me put things into

perspective.

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the

> experience of you nada changing

> > her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking

> and screaming). And then,

> > you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

> something like paranoid.

> >

> > I started standing up for myself about 6 months ago and have just

> become much more

> > assertive in general--so my nada has backed down quite a bit. We

> actually spent

> > Christmas with the FOO and it was dysfunctional but not abusive.

> >

> > The thing is, I've got this ingrained reaction now to start

> panicking more and more as

> > family visits draw near. I'm currently freaking out about a 3-day

> visit that's comming up

> > in February where we'll be riding in the same car on a short trip--

> 3 hours. I'm totally

> > imaging that my nada will go crazy and start abusing everyone

> because we're all trapped

> > in the car together-- I know it's unlikely that that will occur

> (particularly with my husband

> > along).

> >

> > I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because I've asked for/insisted on

> better treatment and gotten

> > it, So now, if I say, " I don't want to ride in the car with you

> because I'm afraid you'll abuse

> > me and I want to be able to get away. . . " well, I just sound

> paranoid. And even beyond

> > " sounding " a certain way, I think it seems reasonable to spend

> more time with my nada if

> > she's behaving less crazy and we're getting along--it's just that

> this new behavior has me

> > confused and frankly I don't trust it. After all, it's only been

> like this since August before

> > that she was just escalating to worse and worse behavior.

> >

> > Could she have acted this way all along if someone had insisted on

> it before? Does this

> > mean she didn't have to make my life hell as a child? Does it

> mean she doesn't have to

> > abuse my dad? Or is she just waiting until I'm not expecting it to

> go back to her old ways.

> > I'm pretty sure that she is far, far away from admitting to having

> hurt us all (me, my

> > brothers and dad) and that she's mainly changed her treatment of

> me because she knows

> > there will be consequences she doesn't like.

> >

> > Also, I can still tell she has BPD--she does some really wacky

> things still--just not to me

> > for now. It's like I can see her restraining herself with all her

> force and I don't know how

> > long it will work. . .

> >

> > What do you all think?

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia, I hear you about trusting my gut reactions. It's something I don't tend

to do a lot,

but I should.

I've been trying to think of reasons not to be in the same car--it's difficult,

partly because

I'm actually afraid it will set her off. We were recently on a vacation all

together where my

husband and I insisted on our own car, but I could tell she didn't want us

to--she was

pushing for us to all ride together. Perhaps that's what made me uncomfortable.

I was

really sick, but still went on a day trip with the family anyway. When I said

that I wanted

my husband and I to take our own car so I could go back and rest if I needed to,

she said

" You can just rest in the car while we walk around. " I think that really does

show that she's

still unable to see that other people besides herself have needs. I don't want

to deal with

the pressure of sacrificing myself so she can have a good time.

It would be very hard for me to say the truth about not wanting to ride in the

car with her

w/o it triggering a meltdown on her part. But I might just say, I need to have

my own car,

I'm an adult and there's no reason for me(and my husband) not to have a car of

our own

on a 3-day trip.

Thanks for your message Sylvia I think it's helped me put things into

perspective.

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the

> experience of you nada changing

> > her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking

> and screaming). And then,

> > you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

> something like paranoid.

> >

> > I started standing up for myself about 6 months ago and have just

> become much more

> > assertive in general--so my nada has backed down quite a bit. We

> actually spent

> > Christmas with the FOO and it was dysfunctional but not abusive.

> >

> > The thing is, I've got this ingrained reaction now to start

> panicking more and more as

> > family visits draw near. I'm currently freaking out about a 3-day

> visit that's comming up

> > in February where we'll be riding in the same car on a short trip--

> 3 hours. I'm totally

> > imaging that my nada will go crazy and start abusing everyone

> because we're all trapped

> > in the car together-- I know it's unlikely that that will occur

> (particularly with my husband

> > along).

> >

> > I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because I've asked for/insisted on

> better treatment and gotten

> > it, So now, if I say, " I don't want to ride in the car with you

> because I'm afraid you'll abuse

> > me and I want to be able to get away. . . " well, I just sound

> paranoid. And even beyond

> > " sounding " a certain way, I think it seems reasonable to spend

> more time with my nada if

> > she's behaving less crazy and we're getting along--it's just that

> this new behavior has me

> > confused and frankly I don't trust it. After all, it's only been

> like this since August before

> > that she was just escalating to worse and worse behavior.

> >

> > Could she have acted this way all along if someone had insisted on

> it before? Does this

> > mean she didn't have to make my life hell as a child? Does it

> mean she doesn't have to

> > abuse my dad? Or is she just waiting until I'm not expecting it to

> go back to her old ways.

> > I'm pretty sure that she is far, far away from admitting to having

> hurt us all (me, my

> > brothers and dad) and that she's mainly changed her treatment of

> me because she knows

> > there will be consequences she doesn't like.

> >

> > Also, I can still tell she has BPD--she does some really wacky

> things still--just not to me

> > for now. It's like I can see her restraining herself with all her

> force and I don't know how

> > long it will work. . .

> >

> > What do you all think?

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi --No worries and thanks for your honesty. Actually I've not lived

closer than a

days' drive from nada and FOO for 10 years. And I'm not having second thoughts

about

leaving the continent. The decisionto move to Europe has more to do with my

husband's

and my own desire to buy a house and we know that's what we want--we can't

afford to

do that here, but can in my husbands " old country. " It has nothing to do w/nada

(although

there are some definite benefits from living an ocean away from your insane

family.)

I'll go back and re-read my response, but I'm not sure I was feeling hovered. I

know she

doesn't like us leaving (she's made that abundantly clear). What makes me

anxious is the

fact that she hasn't freaked out about it YET. I'm wondering if she's just on

good behavior

because she hopes we'll change our minds and when we don't--THEN I think the

Sh#t will

hit the fan. . .if you know what I mean.

As for item " b "

> You are so worried - that she might be worried - that there's a

> possibly - you won't speak to her again. Put that way, does it sound

> different?

I AM worried--I would almost be relieved to go NC sometimes. What worries me is

that

this is the only explanation for her new, better treatment of me and that deep

down, she's

still unable to see a reason to treat me better that's based on my rights as a

human being

and not on her need to not be deserted.--Does that make sense? It's like, her

being nicer

to me to avoid consequences (in this case me going NC) is upsetting to me

because I wish

my mother would see me as a human being. Of course, I hear you on that being

unlikely

to happen. I too " have the distinct impression she's never going to

acknowledge, validate,

or respect (ME) for any sign of independence whatsoever. "

Maybe this is why I'm so uneasy about our new " truce. "

Trish

> > Part of me is afraid she's just on good behavior because

> > she's afraid I'll just drop contact totally.

>

> _______

>

> Hi Trish,

> Oh boy, there's a few things in that email. You might not enjoy reading

> the next few sentences but can I ask you to persevere, If you don't want

> to read it I apologise:

>

> a) You haven't even left and you are worrying to the point you are

> hoovering YOURSELF. Is she really that powerful?

> You are so worried - that she might be worried - that there's a

> possibly - you won't speak to her again. Put that way, does it sound

> different?

> c) I have the distinct impression she's never going to acknowledge,

> validate, or respect you for any sign of independence whatsoever. Unless

> she flies into a rage. Do you live with her?

>

>

> Sorry if that's a bit harsh, but that kind of jumped out at me as I

> read. They are gifted at controlling.

>

>

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Trish,

I don't think there's any reason at all to feel bad about not wanting

to ride in the car with nada. For many of us, not being in the car

with nadas is one of the most basic, important rules of our

existence. Like Sylvia says, your gut is screaming at you, and your

gut is wise! And I think you are right on in the idea of not giving

any excuse. Just say separate cars, that's it. Don't even open it

up for discussion. If you stick to it, it should work. You'll find

that as long as they are not being triggered with rejection or the

threat of having to split themselves black, nadas will often back

down. I've found that, anyway.

I am trying to be open minded in my advice Trish but I have to admit,

several parts of me want to scream at you: no matter what you do,

don't get in that car! Danger! Danger! If you are perceiving that on

any level, may I hereby validate your reality.

Good luck,

Charlie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the

> > experience of you nada changing

> > > her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of kicking

> > and screaming). And then,

> > > you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I feel

> > something like paranoid.

> > >

> > > I started standing up for myself about 6 months ago and have

just

> > become much more

> > > assertive in general--so my nada has backed down quite a bit.

We

> > actually spent

> > > Christmas with the FOO and it was dysfunctional but not abusive.

> > >

> > > The thing is, I've got this ingrained reaction now to start

> > panicking more and more as

> > > family visits draw near. I'm currently freaking out about a 3-

day

> > visit that's comming up

> > > in February where we'll be riding in the same car on a short

trip--

> > 3 hours. I'm totally

> > > imaging that my nada will go crazy and start abusing everyone

> > because we're all trapped

> > > in the car together-- I know it's unlikely that that will occur

> > (particularly with my husband

> > > along).

> > >

> > > I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because I've asked for/insisted

on

> > better treatment and gotten

> > > it, So now, if I say, " I don't want to ride in the car with

you

> > because I'm afraid you'll abuse

> > > me and I want to be able to get away. . . " well, I just sound

> > paranoid. And even beyond

> > > " sounding " a certain way, I think it seems reasonable to spend

> > more time with my nada if

> > > she's behaving less crazy and we're getting along--it's just

that

> > this new behavior has me

> > > confused and frankly I don't trust it. After all, it's only

been

> > like this since August before

> > > that she was just escalating to worse and worse behavior.

> > >

> > > Could she have acted this way all along if someone had insisted

on

> > it before? Does this

> > > mean she didn't have to make my life hell as a child? Does it

> > mean she doesn't have to

> > > abuse my dad? Or is she just waiting until I'm not expecting it

to

> > go back to her old ways.

> > > I'm pretty sure that she is far, far away from admitting to

having

> > hurt us all (me, my

> > > brothers and dad) and that she's mainly changed her treatment

of

> > me because she knows

> > > there will be consequences she doesn't like.

> > >

> > > Also, I can still tell she has BPD--she does some really wacky

> > things still--just not to me

> > > for now. It's like I can see her restraining herself with all

her

> > force and I don't know how

> > > long it will work. . .

> > >

> > > What do you all think?

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Trish, Thanks for letting me know. I am so glad to hear it!

And also glad you have your husband's support. His matter of fact

reaction reveals a glimpse of what it's like for people without

nadas, doesn't it? It validates that it's completely normal to want

to take your own car, and it shouldn't be some huge trigger or threat

to other family members. We as KOs are so very used to nadas

disrespecting our most basic decisions--when we get up, when we

shower, what we wear, what we eat ... we haven't ever known what it's

like to have a parent respect those decisions, and even HELP us to

implement them!

Yay to you. I can't remember when the trip is, but have fun! (Or try

to, anyway.)

Charlotte

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi everyone, I was wondering if any of you have had the

> > > > experience of you nada changing

> > > > > her ways when you stand up for youself (after plenty of

kicking

> > > > and screaming). And then,

> > > > > you feel sort of mistrustful of the result. Actually, I

feel

> > > > something like paranoid.

> > > > >

> > > > > I started standing up for myself about 6 months ago and

have

> > just

> > > > become much more

> > > > > assertive in general--so my nada has backed down quite a

bit.

> > We

> > > > actually spent

> > > > > Christmas with the FOO and it was dysfunctional but not

abusive.

> > > > >

> > > > > The thing is, I've got this ingrained reaction now to start

> > > > panicking more and more as

> > > > > family visits draw near. I'm currently freaking out about

a 3-

> > day

> > > > visit that's comming up

> > > > > in February where we'll be riding in the same car on a

short

> > trip--

> > > > 3 hours. I'm totally

> > > > > imaging that my nada will go crazy and start abusing

everyone

> > > > because we're all trapped

> > > > > in the car together-- I know it's unlikely that that will

occur

> > > > (particularly with my husband

> > > > > along).

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because I've asked

for/insisted

> > on

> > > > better treatment and gotten

> > > > > it, So now, if I say, " I don't want to ride in the car

with

> > you

> > > > because I'm afraid you'll abuse

> > > > > me and I want to be able to get away. . . " well, I just

sound

> > > > paranoid. And even beyond

> > > > > " sounding " a certain way, I think it seems reasonable to

spend

> > > > more time with my nada if

> > > > > she's behaving less crazy and we're getting along--it's

just

> > that

> > > > this new behavior has me

> > > > > confused and frankly I don't trust it. After all, it's

only

> > been

> > > > like this since August before

> > > > > that she was just escalating to worse and worse behavior.

> > > > >

> > > > > Could she have acted this way all along if someone had

insisted

> > on

> > > > it before? Does this

> > > > > mean she didn't have to make my life hell as a child? Does

it

> > > > mean she doesn't have to

> > > > > abuse my dad? Or is she just waiting until I'm not

expecting it

> > to

> > > > go back to her old ways.

> > > > > I'm pretty sure that she is far, far away from admitting to

> > having

> > > > hurt us all (me, my

> > > > > brothers and dad) and that she's mainly changed her

treatment

> > of

> > > > me because she knows

> > > > > there will be consequences she doesn't like.

> > > > >

> > > > > Also, I can still tell she has BPD--she does some really

wacky

> > > > things still--just not to me

> > > > > for now. It's like I can see her restraining herself with

all

> > her

> > > > force and I don't know how

> > > > > long it will work. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > What do you all think?

> > > > >

> > > > > Trish

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>