Re: convinced I'd die young--Trauma and Recovery

[Guest guest]

Dear Trish,

I think this may be an aspect of trauma. I know how very real it

feels. It feels as if the very universe, or your God, is trying to

tell you something big.

Once staying at nada's house, I dreamed that the Pope, the very

Pope! (I was raised Catholic) sat on my bed, and told me, lovingly,

live your life now, because you will die very, very young. When I

woke, the age I had in mind was 35.

At present I am 34, and I turn 35 rather soon. So, according to the

former Pope (r.i.p.), I should be dead any minute now. I'm pretty

bloody healty, so maybe he was wrong. Maybe this dream was the

result of childhood trauma, and being in nada's lair at the time I

dreamt it. (I was around 24 by the way). Just cause you feel it,

doesn't mean it' there ... (that's a song for you next generations).

Then, just a few years ago, I was at a friend's violin concert. And

again I had the feeling--my life was truly completed. I truly had

no future. All I was 'meant' to do had been done, and it was okay

if I died or killed myself soon. I was around 32 at this time. And

I could not see any future. I just could not see it.

Then I learned of PTSD, and read Herman's book. And found that, the

more I healed, the younger I felt, and the more able I felt to see

the future. It's still hard for me--I still don't have long term

dreams or goals. I just can't quite picture that. BUT at least I

have lost that sense of 'you're going to die soon, you truly are.'

I think it was a distortion. Just like someone tried to tell me--

the idea that the universe has cursed you is a nada distortion, it's

not real.

Ok so the SHORT answer to your question is yes, I get you. Sorry,

should have started with that I guess!!

Charlie

>

> Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

> experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma and

> Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed

they'd

> die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

>

> I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

convinced

> that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age,

but in

> my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to college

> because that had always been my escape plan--from my family. The

> feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

college I

> never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time of

> preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea that

> there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college

was an

> end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

> course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought to

the

> fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

>

> I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized I

> hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something that

was

> ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead. I

> mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport myself

and

> live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that

whole

> experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to people,

> except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

> something I better talk about. . .

>

> Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn that

it's

> a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't believe

> it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

> adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind in

the

> planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on understanding.

>

> Trish

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I'm sorry that you have that experience, but I'm relieved at

the same time to know that I'm not alone. Untill I finally got over

the idea that I'd be dying at 20-or so (interesting that I can't

remember the date now), I just felt like Hamilton--like the end

of the world was coming--at least for me and that I couldn't tell

anyone because I would sound nuts.

So, as the age you thought your life would be over approaches, do you

find that you are reacting more than in the past physically and

emotionally? I was just a wreck up until I realized that I wasn't

going to die--I mean, of course I will someday, but it's not this

pre-programmed date. My worst periods were about 2 years after it all

started (10-12) and then right before I thought I was going to die

(20-22?).

And you know, now that you mention it, the having nightmares while in

nada's clutches, that was what drove me to therapy in the first place

last year--and that nightmare sparked this recurance of a lot of the

old fears, feelings and hypervigilance--yuck. I didn't actually start

to think I would die again, but I didn't even want to go there and I

thought therapy was in order.

It's a little worrisome that it could get triggered out of the blue

like that. I really don't know what it was that did it last time--and

actually I'm not sure what caused it in the first place, which really

bugs me. I mean, of course my childhood was less than ideal--but

there's no one thing I can point to which I can see freaking me out

like that. Anyway, thanks for recommending that book! I could have

gone my whole life w/o understanding that business if I handn't read it.

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

> > experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma and

> > Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> > kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed

> they'd

> > die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

> >

> > I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

> convinced

> > that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age,

> but in

> > my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to college

> > because that had always been my escape plan--from my family. The

> > feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

> college I

> > never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time of

> > preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea that

> > there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college

> was an

> > end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

> > course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought to

> the

> > fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

> >

> > I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized I

> > hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something that

> was

> > ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead. I

> > mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport myself

> and

> > live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that

> whole

> > experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to people,

> > except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

> > something I better talk about. . .

> >

> > Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn that

> it's

> > a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't believe

> > it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

> > adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind in

> the

> > planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> > explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on understanding.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, it is likely that there is a link between my thinking I was

going to die at a specific date and the fact that my nada liked to

terrorize me with random and irrational fears as a child. I think

your explanation makes a lot of sense and although I no longer think

that there is a specific date at which I will die, I still do get that

sense of dread that you talked about--that I'll find out I have some

terminal disease or get in a car wreck and that will just be the

sudden end of me. It doesn't feel good, but it's kind of different

than living as if you were for sure going to die at a certain age. I

hope that both of us get over the dread feeling soon. I wonder if

people from happy families feel that too sometimes. . .

Trish

> >

> > Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

> > experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma and

> > Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> > kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed they'd

> > die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

> >

> > I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became convinced

> > that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age, but in

> > my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to college

> > because that had always been my escape plan--from my family. The

> > feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in college I

> > never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time of

> > preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea that

> > there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college was an

> > end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

> > course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought to the

> > fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

> >

> > I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized I

> > hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something that was

> > ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead. I

> > mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport myself and

> > live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that whole

> > experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to people,

> > except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

> > something I better talk about. . .

> >

> > Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn that it's

> > a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't believe

> > it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

> > adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind in the

> > planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> > explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on understanding.

> >

> > Trish

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, all

I know I am kinda random on picking posts and replying these days. I am too

overworked at the moment. But this post is interesting. I thought for sure

I would die before I was 30 (now I am 36). But I think b/c at the time I

was thinking that I was in the midst of severe depression during my high

school days. As I was severely depressed from age 15 to 20 (as in no lift

in the mood, just severely depressed every minute of every day for all those

years), with trying to do myself in at age 19 and getting pregnant just

about 3 months after that, I definitely felt doomed. What was worse is

after getting out of the hospital after a suicide attempt I felt as lost,

depressed, and unloved as ever. It was so awful. Probably why I sought out

too many wrong kinds of boyfriends. In essence I did not care what happened

and if I died in the process who cared. Anway, after my depression

lifted almost 6 months after my daughter was born I no longer thought I

would die by a certain age. So I attribute that thinking to my

depression. Did you all feel really depressed during the time of thinking

that or did everyone experience it as a sort of recurrent dream?

Theresa

[Guest guest]

Hi Theresa,

It was definitely worse for me during times of depression. I think

the core of it, for me anyway, is that nada raised me always thinking

bad stuff happens. Don't get used to good things for too long because

it will all go away.

There never seemed to be a lot of value placed on my life as a human

being and an individual. Nada had us young and married only to escape

her foo. I stated many times in my life that it would have been

better if nada never had children. I even said that to her a few

times and lets say there was little disagreement. That doesn't make

me sad though. I feel greatful to be here now (though not always in

the past) and if I had not been born, how the heck would I have known

or cared -lol?

My fears now stem from a whole new place. I am obsessed with seeing

my kids become happy, whole people. I get scared thinking that

something - like me dying or worse one of them - will screw us all up.

I feel like I have earned the right to go off in the sunset and live

a happy life but that nada-thing about crap always finding me is still

there. I think that's where this really come from. No real base to

it other than having taken on a bit of nada's paranoid thinking. I

work on it almost daily. It didn't help that we lost my mil at 50 (we

were very close). She was such a happy. live person that if she could

die - anyone could. Silly statement I understand as we all will die

someday.

>

> Hi, all

>

> I know I am kinda random on picking posts and replying these days.

I am too

> overworked at the moment. But this post is interesting. I thought

for sure

> I would die before I was 30 (now I am 36). But I think b/c at the

time I

> was thinking that I was in the midst of severe depression during my high

> school days. As I was severely depressed from age 15 to 20 (as in

no lift

> in the mood, just severely depressed every minute of every day for

all those

> years), with trying to do myself in at age 19 and getting pregnant just

> about 3 months after that, I definitely felt doomed. What was worse is

> after getting out of the hospital after a suicide attempt I felt as

lost,

> depressed, and unloved as ever. It was so awful. Probably why I

sought out

> too many wrong kinds of boyfriends. In essence I did not care what

happened

> and if I died in the process who cared. Anway, after my depression

> lifted almost 6 months after my daughter was born I no longer thought I

> would die by a certain age. So I attribute that thinking to my

> depression. Did you all feel really depressed during the time of

thinking

> that or did everyone experience it as a sort of recurrent dream?

>

> Theresa

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

interesting... .. yes. I had the same feeling. When I was a teen and in my

early 20's (and still living with The Nada) I had this overwhelming feeling

that I would die when I was 32.

I don't know how I arrived at that number.

The Nada would try to get me to save the money I made at my job... and I

used to tell her why ? What if I die by the time I'm 32 ?

I remember being a llittle nervous around that age.... and then when it

passed... it passed..

I will be 50 this year ... :-)

I still am not a good saver... and I am not good at making long range

plans/goals... but I don't have any fellings that I will die any time soon.

twin.less

tlblack2006 wrote:

Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma and

Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed they'd

die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became convinced

that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age, but in

my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to college

because that had always been my escape plan--from my family. The

feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in college I

never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time of

preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea that

there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college was an

end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought to the

fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized I

hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something that was

ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead. I

mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport myself and

live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that whole

experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to people,

except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

something I better talk about. . .

Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn that it's

a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't believe

it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind in the

planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on understanding.

Trish

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I use to think I would die by the time I was thirty, but that makes

sense in my situation and LOTS of people in my situation have had

similar thoughts/fears. My dad died when I was 8 and he was 30 and so

that makes sense.

My friend who has kids thinks a lot of these things and she's fairly

healthy. I mean she doesn't go a lot of places w/her kid, though she

DOES go out, b/c she's fearful of getting in a car accident and him

dieing or her dieing and I sense to varying degrees that's something

a lot of parents go through- especially w/the first kid.

As for my FOO, well my grandparents were more the doom and gloom like

that. My grandfather still pisses me off sometimes when I talk to him

and he'll say something about my boys like 'well I just hope they

don't get sick.' Implying that they'll catch pneumonia and die. It is

a normal fear in the back of every new parent's mind and to have

someone vocalize it just sends me over the edge. He did that a couple

of times and then I just quit talking when he'd say somethiing like

that- I mean dead silence. I wouldn't say a word until he changed the

subject and miraculously he's picked up on the fact I don't like

hearing stuff like that. Of course he's still one of the most

negative people I know. Whenever I call he always has to tell me

about some shoot out or whatever. When it involves kids I also tend

to go on the silent treatment bit again. 'Its just not something I

want as part of my reality.' If he wants to watch the news and

believe it all is reality, well that's his choice and his reality.

Mine is very, very different. And no, not all realities are the same,

thankfully.

Kerrie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

> > > experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma

and

> > > Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> > > kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed

they'd

> > > die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

> > >

> > > I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

convinced

> > > that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age,

but in

> > > my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to

college

> > > because that had always been my escape plan--from my family.

The

> > > feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

college I

> > > never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time

of

> > > preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea

that

> > > there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college

was an

> > > end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

> > > course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought

to the

> > > fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

> > >

> > > I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized

I

> > > hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something

that was

> > > ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead.

I

> > > mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport

myself and

> > > live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that

whole

> > > experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to

people,

> > > except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

> > > something I better talk about. . .

> > >

> > > Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn

that it's

> > > a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't

believe

> > > it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

> > > adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind

in the

> > > planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> > > explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on

understanding.

> > >

> > > Trish

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Twin.less, it is so weird how many people have responded to this

post saying they have had this experience. I felt like I was taking

a risk putting it out there--as if maybe I would be alone on this

one and everyone would say, " well, you have issues! "

I'm glad to see you've made it far past the age of 32! Keep on

truckin'

Trish

> Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had this

> experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended, Trauma and

> Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> kidnapped not making plans for the future because they assumed

they'd

> die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

>

> I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

convinced

> that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact age,

but in

> my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to college

> because that had always been my escape plan--from my family. The

> feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

college I

> never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a time of

> preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea that

> there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--college

was an

> end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my FOO. Of

> course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious thought to

the

> fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

>

> I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I realized I

> hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of something that

was

> ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact, dead. I

> mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport myself

and

> live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of that

whole

> experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to people,

> except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem like

> something I better talk about. . .

>

> Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn that

it's

> a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't believe

> it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my childhood,

> adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat behind in

the

> planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on understanding.

>

> Trish

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Theresa, I used to have lots of recuring and weird dreams about my

projected death--usually they were also about the end of the world,

but sometimes it was also some angry, crazy stranger with a weapon

(chainsaw, axe, gun) hunting me down fixing to anhialate me. I'd

wake up with this weird burning sensation all over my upper back and

the back of my neck--that's the place that always hurts when I'm

freaking out.

As for depression, that's really hard for me to answer. I have

issues with anxiety and learned through therapy that as the anxiety

receeded, I became more aware of how actually depressed I was. This

didn't happen until about 6 months ago--so if I had been depressed I

would have never felt it--because the anxiety is usually my first

response. That said, I often get anxious at totally inappropriate

times--so when I really think about what's got me nervous or

panicked, often times, depression seems like it would be in order.

I'm glad you mentioned that because during the two times in my life

when those fears of doom really weighed on my, I had good reason to

be depressed. I may have just been turning to anxiety to survive.

Trish

>

> Hi, all

>

> I know I am kinda random on picking posts and replying these

days. I am too

> overworked at the moment. But this post is interesting. I

thought for sure

> I would die before I was 30 (now I am 36). But I think b/c at

the time I

> was thinking that I was in the midst of severe depression during

my high

> school days. As I was severely depressed from age 15 to 20 (as in

no lift

> in the mood, just severely depressed every minute of every day for

all those

> years), with trying to do myself in at age 19 and getting pregnant

just

> about 3 months after that, I definitely felt doomed. What was

worse is

> after getting out of the hospital after a suicide attempt I felt

as lost,

> depressed, and unloved as ever. It was so awful. Probably why I

sought out

> too many wrong kinds of boyfriends. In essence I did not care

what happened

> and if I died in the process who cared. Anway, after my

depression

> lifted almost 6 months after my daughter was born I no longer

thought I

> would die by a certain age. So I attribute that thinking to my

> depression. Did you all feel really depressed during the time of

thinking

> that or did everyone experience it as a sort of recurrent dream?

>

> Theresa

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kerrie, I think that, to some extent, the passing fear of loosing

one's children or spouse is probably normal for people. I'm not so

sure that being convinced irrationally that one will die of at a

certain, specific age is. . .but in your case, it certainly makes

sense.

I really like your explanation on how to get your grandfather off of

his negative--and really horrific topics of conversation. My nada

does that kind of thing and it truly upsets me. I have started

doing the silent thing just because it's my natural, annoyed

reaction that I've learned over time. If you argue or attempt to

change the subject yourself, they just try to convince you what a

crapy world we live in or insist on going into gory detail. If you

just refuse to take part, it leaves them alone. I've noticed that

my nada brings this kind of thing up less and less these days

because I just refuse to talk about it or respond. She can't even

use it to pick a fight.

Trish

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had

this

> > > > experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended,

Trauma

> and

> > > > Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd been

> > > > kidnapped not making plans for the future because they

assumed

> they'd

> > > > die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

> > > >

> > > > I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

> convinced

> > > > that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact

age,

> but in

> > > > my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to

> college

> > > > because that had always been my escape plan--from my

family.

> The

> > > > feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

> college I

> > > > never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a

time

> of

> > > > preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the idea

> that

> > > > there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--

college

> was an

> > > > end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my

FOO. Of

> > > > course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious

thought

> to the

> > > > fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

> > > >

> > > > I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I

realized

> I

> > > > hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of

something

> that was

> > > > ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact,

dead.

> I

> > > > mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport

> myself and

> > > > live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of

that

> whole

> > > > experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to

> people,

> > > > except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem

like

> > > > something I better talk about. . .

> > > >

> > > > Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to learn

> that it's

> > > > a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't

> believe

> > > > it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my

childhood,

> > > > adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat

behind

> in the

> > > > planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have an

> > > > explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on

> understanding.

> > > >

> > > > Trish

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Trish,

I think I go quiet b/c I am slowly getting a bit enraged at the

audacity to talk that kind of crap w/o any consideration of my

reality and so I just go quiet b/c I know if I opened my mouth it

would probably be the end of our relationship. I'm good at finally

biting back when I reach a boiling point but it isn't exactly the

best reaction when dealing w/a borderline as they are already filled

w/rage, hence trying to convince you and me that life sucks and

here's all these fun stories I have to share w/you to validate the

fact I think life sucks.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one whose caught onto this game and

done the silent treatment. It really works. I think I learned it here

when someone said to respond w/the question 'what' when someone said

something that was rude or offensive or bpdish and then just keep

repeating 'what' which utterly confuses and confounds the other

person. They can't argue b/c they think you're nuts and they either

hang up or change the topic. Either way, it keeps us distanced from

the conversation and in control of our being sucked into their

reality or head games. That was also my thinking of just not saying

anything. He probably thought I was nuts as the option of just not

speaking anymore while on the phone is sooooo off the wall for

someone who doesn't believe in boundaries- never occurred to them

that the option of NOT reacting is very much a real option. I think

if a bp could get to the point of realizing that they do indeed have

the option of not reacting to various things/drama/stimuli in life

then I am doubtful how much I'd classify them as bps anymore- maybe

bp in recovery. They would cease to be slaves to the disorder and

thereby liberate their souls the way all KOs would've liked them to

have done years ago. Good thing is you and I realize we have that

option and exercise that freedom even if they chose not too.

Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi everyone I'm very curious to know if anyone else has had

> this

> > > > > experience. I was reading the book Charlie recommended,

> Trauma

> > and

> > > > > Recovery, and I came accross this part on children who'd

been

> > > > > kidnapped not making plans for the future because they

> assumed

> > they'd

> > > > > die young(as a result of the trauma of being kidnapped).

> > > > >

> > > > > I was never kidnapped, but at about the age of 10, I became

> > convinced

> > > > > that I was going to die before I was 20(I forget the exact

> age,

> > but in

> > > > > my mind, there was a deadline)--I still intended to go to

> > college

> > > > > because that had always been my escape plan--from my

> family.

> > The

> > > > > feeling that I would die young was so complete that even in

> > college I

> > > > > never made plans for AFTER. For most people, college is a

> time

> > of

> > > > > preparing for the future, but I had so internalized the

idea

> > that

> > > > > there wasn't one that I didn't really have other plans--

> college

> > was an

> > > > > end in itself. I enjoyed learning and being far from my

> FOO. Of

> > > > > course, in my early 20's I didn't really give conscious

> thought

> > to the

> > > > > fact I expected to die, I just lived as if I was going to.

> > > > >

> > > > > I was positively shocked when, at the end of school, I

> realized

> > I

> > > > > hadn't made plans for after, that it was because of

> something

> > that was

> > > > > ingrained in me as a child and, that I was not, in fact,

> dead.

> > I

> > > > > mean, I obviously figured it all out and went on to suport

> > myself and

> > > > > live in the world. But I never quite knew what to make of

> that

> > whole

> > > > > experience. It's not something I ever really mentioned to

> > people,

> > > > > except a few friends in junior high. It just didn't seem

> like

> > > > > something I better talk about. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > Has this happenned to anyone else? I am so shocked to

learn

> > that it's

> > > > > a documented reaction to childhood trauma that I just can't

> > believe

> > > > > it. I mean, this had a HUGE impact on the rest of my

> childhood,

> > > > > adolescence and it still impacts me now as I am somewhat

> behind

> > in the

> > > > > planning department. This is so weird--but finally I have

an

> > > > > explanation of sorts to something I'd given up on

> > understanding.

> > > > >

> > > > > Trish

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>