Re: Nada is flying 3,000 miles what do I do?

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear this...

But don't panic! You have been doing great and now is your chance

to be firm in your resolve. Is there any way you can go away on

vacation during that time? Or stay with someone else? That is of

course, if you are not ready for an all out confrontation.

My nada showed up when I told her she was not welcome to do so and I

called the police. I did not answer the door.

Where he asks if you can refer him somewhere else, perhaps you can

suggest somewhere along the equator. Ok, I am being facetious, and

this reminds me of a joke that you may enjoy and might lighten your

spirits even if for just a moment.

Here it goes:

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got

up early and went to the local church. Before the service started,

the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their

lives, their families, and so on.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly

gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious

to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and

said, " Hey! Don't you know who I am? "

The man replied, " Yep, sure do. "

Satan asked, " Aren't you afraid of me? "

" Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, " Why aren't you

afraid of me? "

The man calmly replied, " I've been married to your sister for 25

years. "

Ok, now that I hopefully made you smile. Hang in there, and stick

to your guns. I have actaully walked right past my nada while NC

and I completely ignored her. You can do this, and this current

behavior and lack of respect for your boundaries is precisely one of

the reasons why you should be doing what you are doing. Nada has

been in control of your life for too long. Take your life back and

OWN it! Don't give back something that doesn't belong to her.

Keeping you in my thoughts---

Sofia

PS--Sorry if joke was inappropriate or ill-timed. Just wanted to

cheer you up a little before giving you my 2 cents.

>

> I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

it. He

> has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He

just won't

> let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

>

> NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

>

> Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

>

> Hello Bridget,

>

> We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have

found the

> Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

rez there

> this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

refer us

> to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

April.

>

> Love,

>

> Dad

>

> What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My

heart is

> racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

Don't contact

> me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought

$800 worth of

> plane tickets in December?

>

> I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Bridget,

It sounds like dishrag is also the Prince of Denial. It's like if

he acts like everything is the way he imagines, then it will come

true. Most children outgrow that kind of magical thinking by age 5

or so...

IMHO you have ZERO responsibility for their choice to ignore your

request and make this trip. You have every right to maintain the

NC.

If it were me, I would only consider breaking the NC for the purposes

of re-iterating the announcement of NC, and I would only consider

THAT if it would make ME feel better. (You don't have to ASK for

NC. You have the absolutely right to simply inform them of it.)

However, if you would prefer not to do that, I think you would be

firmly on the " moral high ground " if you ignored this completely, let

them come, and maintained the NC when they are in town.

Have you ever seen the Star Trek Next Generation episode where Capt.

Picard is being tortured, and all the guy does is keep trying to get

Picard to say he sees five lights when there are only four. Trying

to make somebody doubt their perceptions IS a form of psychological

torture. The fact that dishrag is torturing you cheerfully doesn't

make it less horrible for you or morally reprehensible on his part --

it makes it more surreal and creepy!

Hugs,

>

> I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

it. He

> has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He just

won't

> let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

>

> NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

>

> Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

>

> Hello Bridget,

>

> We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have found

the

> Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

rez there

> this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

refer us

> to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

April.

>

> Love,

>

> Dad

>

> What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My heart

is

> racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no. Don't

contact

> me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought $800

worth of

> plane tickets in December?

>

> I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sophia-

Thank you so so much. The joke was funny and so was the equator comment. I

love it.

Now in all honesty the things I am struggling with:

a.) Dishrag doing all the legwork- e.mails, following up on a vacation- I

still have this sad place in my hard for dishrag- like he doesn't know any

better- I miss him and I hate to hurt him

*but yes, having him continue to push when I said NO is not helpful, and

reminds me of what he has done my whole life (don't be dramatic- chill out,

you know mom is just emotional- blah)

b.) I know they spent almost $1,000 on plane tickets. They don't have a lot

of money, so this makes me feel bad- like I am so selfish I cause them to

waste money (I knew they booked these b/c NC- actually Nada booked these

when her desperation set in- just b/f NC)

I feel like a caged animal though. I just don't want them here in Cali. I

want them to stay in Michigan where they belong. I can definitely go away

at Easter and avoid them. But shouldn't I write back and say you are not

welcome here, don't bother coming?

I feel again- like I am being manipulated into coming out of NC- and into a

fight.

I am just so angry- yesterday I celebrated at being FREE from the toxic

client who was harassing me and invading my life (overstepping all

boundaries) and 24 hours later the real problem comes back.

But my higher power must have a plan for me.

Maybe I can have my brother tell them that visiting is not a good idea- and

then just tell him to not tell me their response. It will be hard on him

but I know he loves me enough to help me.

THank YOU!!!

>

> So sorry to hear this...

>

> But don't panic! You have been doing great and now is your chance

> to be firm in your resolve. Is there any way you can go away on

> vacation during that time? Or stay with someone else? That is of

> course, if you are not ready for an all out confrontation.

>

> My nada showed up when I told her she was not welcome to do so and I

> called the police. I did not answer the door.

>

> Where he asks if you can refer him somewhere else, perhaps you can

> suggest somewhere along the equator. Ok, I am being facetious, and

> this reminds me of a joke that you may enjoy and might lighten your

> spirits even if for just a moment.

>

> Here it goes:

>

> One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got

> up early and went to the local church. Before the service started,

> the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their

> lives, their families, and so on.

> Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

>

> Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

> trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

> incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly

> gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious

> to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

>

> Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and

> said, " Hey! Don't you know who I am? "

>

> The man replied, " Yep, sure do. "

>

> Satan asked, " Aren't you afraid of me? "

>

> " Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

>

> Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, " Why aren't you

> afraid of me? "

>

> The man calmly replied, " I've been married to your sister for 25

> years. "

>

>

>

> Ok, now that I hopefully made you smile. Hang in there, and stick

> to your guns. I have actaully walked right past my nada while NC

> and I completely ignored her. You can do this, and this current

> behavior and lack of respect for your boundaries is precisely one of

> the reasons why you should be doing what you are doing. Nada has

> been in control of your life for too long. Take your life back and

> OWN it! Don't give back something that doesn't belong to her.

>

> Keeping you in my thoughts---

>

> Sofia

> PS--Sorry if joke was inappropriate or ill-timed. Just wanted to

> cheer you up a little before giving you my 2 cents.

>

>

>

> >

> > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

> it. He

> > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He

> just won't

> > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> >

> > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> >

> > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> >

> > Hello Bridget,

> >

> > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have

> found the

> > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

> rez there

> > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

> refer us

> > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

> April.

> >

> > Love,

> >

> > Dad

> >

> > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My

> heart is

> > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

> Don't contact

> > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought

> $800 worth of

> > plane tickets in December?

> >

> > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, you know dishrag is the Prince of Denial and he is also a five year

old. He always has been. My father is 55 and the baby of 6 kids. He grew

up in the 50's and 60's and is just so darn dreamy about that whole era. If

you let him he will reminisce about the weirdest old stuff- from black and

white tv, to the good old days of Ovaltine. He even wrote a book like that.

I love him dearly, but he is not a grown man. That kind of daddy is fun

when you are 6. But when you are 28 and have a real job and life in

corporate America it is completely useless. When you have serious emotional

issues b/c your mother has a personality disorder- it doesn't help that all

he can see is a good old movie on tv- that he uses an antenna for b/c cable

is just too new age. Hell I am sure he would use a typewriter to write his

books if he wasn't forced to meet deadlines.

Aargh.

>

> Sophia-

> Thank you so so much. The joke was funny and so was the equator comment.

> I love it.

>

> Now in all honesty the things I am struggling with:

> a.) Dishrag doing all the legwork- e.mails, following up on a vacation- I

> still have this sad place in my hard for dishrag- like he doesn't know any

> better- I miss him and I hate to hurt him

> *but yes, having him continue to push when I said NO is not helpful, and

> reminds me of what he has done my whole life (don't be dramatic- chill out,

> you know mom is just emotional- blah)

> b.) I know they spent almost $1,000 on plane tickets. They don't have a

> lot of money, so this makes me feel bad- like I am so selfish I cause them

> to waste money (I knew they booked these b/c NC- actually Nada booked these

> when her desperation set in- just b/f NC)

>

> I feel like a caged animal though. I just don't want them here in Cali.

> I want them to stay in Michigan where they belong. I can definitely go away

> at Easter and avoid them. But shouldn't I write back and say you are not

> welcome here, don't bother coming?

>

> I feel again- like I am being manipulated into coming out of NC- and into

> a fight.

>

> I am just so angry- yesterday I celebrated at being FREE from the toxic

> client who was harassing me and invading my life (overstepping all

> boundaries) and 24 hours later the real problem comes back.

>

> But my higher power must have a plan for me.

>

> Maybe I can have my brother tell them that visiting is not a good idea-

> and then just tell him to not tell me their response. It will be hard on

> him but I know he loves me enough to help me.

>

> THank YOU!!!

>

>

>

> >

> > So sorry to hear this...

> >

> > But don't panic! You have been doing great and now is your chance

> > to be firm in your resolve. Is there any way you can go away on

> > vacation during that time? Or stay with someone else? That is of

> > course, if you are not ready for an all out confrontation.

> >

> > My nada showed up when I told her she was not welcome to do so and I

> > called the police. I did not answer the door.

> >

> > Where he asks if you can refer him somewhere else, perhaps you can

> > suggest somewhere along the equator. Ok, I am being facetious, and

> > this reminds me of a joke that you may enjoy and might lighten your

> > spirits even if for just a moment.

> >

> > Here it goes:

> >

> > One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got

> > up early and went to the local church. Before the service started,

> > the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their

> > lives, their families, and so on.

> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

> >

> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

> > trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

> > incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly

> > gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious

> > to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

> >

> > Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and

> > said, " Hey! Don't you know who I am? "

> >

> > The man replied, " Yep, sure do. "

> >

> > Satan asked, " Aren't you afraid of me? "

> >

> > " Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

> >

> > Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, " Why aren't you

> > afraid of me? "

> >

> > The man calmly replied, " I've been married to your sister for 25

> > years. "

> >

> >

> >

> > Ok, now that I hopefully made you smile. Hang in there, and stick

> > to your guns. I have actaully walked right past my nada while NC

> > and I completely ignored her. You can do this, and this current

> > behavior and lack of respect for your boundaries is precisely one of

> > the reasons why you should be doing what you are doing. Nada has

> > been in control of your life for too long. Take your life back and

> > OWN it! Don't give back something that doesn't belong to her.

> >

> > Keeping you in my thoughts---

> >

> > Sofia

> > PS--Sorry if joke was inappropriate or ill-timed. Just wanted to

> > cheer you up a little before giving you my 2 cents.

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

> > it. He

> > > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He

> > just won't

> > > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> > >

> > > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> > >

> > > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> > >

> > > Hello Bridget,

> > >

> > > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have

> > found the

> > > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

> > rez there

> > > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

> > refer us

> > > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

> > April.

> > >

> > > Love,

> > >

> > > Dad

> > >

> > > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My

> > heart is

> > > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

> > Don't contact

> > > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought

> > $800 worth of

> > > plane tickets in December?

> > >

> > > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Tons of sympathy Bridget. I second the recommendations - if you

contact them at all it should be to reiterate your statement of NC.

All emails deleted, all letters and packages returned, no door knock

answered. I had to do this when I first went NC with my father many

years ago. He tried the stunt of just showing up in town and

calling me like nothing had happened. I told him - I said I wanted

no relationship, period. It's incredibly hard to do because it goes

against our biology and everything our society teaches and they know

this. He was/is NPD and used me solely as a prop in his life when

he felt like playing the Big Daddy to impress some new flame.

Also don't you all hate cheap plane tickets and cheap long distance

and wireless communication? Distance isn't quite the cure it used

to be.

sunny

>

> I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

it. He

> has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He just

won't

> let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

>

> NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

>

> Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

>

> Hello Bridget,

>

> We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have found

the

> Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

rez there

> this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

refer us

> to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

April.

>

> Love,

>

> Dad

>

> What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My heart

is

> racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no. Don't

contact

> me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought $800

worth of

> plane tickets in December?

>

> I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sunny- I know damn those airlines and wireless companies:)

>

> Tons of sympathy Bridget. I second the recommendations - if you

> contact them at all it should be to reiterate your statement of NC.

> All emails deleted, all letters and packages returned, no door knock

> answered. I had to do this when I first went NC with my father many

> years ago. He tried the stunt of just showing up in town and

> calling me like nothing had happened. I told him - I said I wanted

> no relationship, period. It's incredibly hard to do because it goes

> against our biology and everything our society teaches and they know

> this. He was/is NPD and used me solely as a prop in his life when

> he felt like playing the Big Daddy to impress some new flame.

>

> Also don't you all hate cheap plane tickets and cheap long distance

> and wireless communication? Distance isn't quite the cure it used

> to be.

>

> sunny

>

>

>

> >

> > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not have

> it. He

> > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He just

> won't

> > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> >

> > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> >

> > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> >

> > Hello Bridget,

> >

> > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have found

> the

> > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to make

> rez there

> > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you can

> refer us

> > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

> April.

> >

> > Love,

> >

> > Dad

> >

> > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My heart

> is

> > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no. Don't

> contact

> > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought $800

> worth of

> > plane tickets in December?

> >

> > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

LOL- yes, but thank God for caller ID, aye? Do I hear an amen? lol.

Bridget,

I don't think I would get your brother involved as that kind of

triangulates things a bit and thats what all nons get on BPs cases

for doing.

I think its best to keep up your nc resolve. What, are they just

going to fly out w/o talking to you at all first? If they do, man

they are royally crazy. Chances are that they won't= they'd like to

make sure you are home, where you live, picking them up, etc. You

just don't pick up the phone, etc. Sure it will piss them off. As

though you're not pissed off right now or in December when nada said

she was flying out b/c you were distancing yourself, right? Not sure

how it will come to confrontation though if you truly remain nc. It

takes two to fight. If they can't find you, high or low, east or

west, etc, then they can't exactly confront you, aye?

Man, that really sucks but I think they think you are bluffing and

are calling your bluff. What is the universe trying to teach you? Not

sure. Maybe to stay the course? Maybe to not buy into their drama and

react to the choices THEY make or worry about how it will impact you.

To believe in your heart that you really have set a life apart and

different from them and so thereby impossible to impact you like in

your childhood? I don't know. I know I too have been down these roads

where I say 'what's the lesson here.' I think that each individual

has to dig around in his or her heart to find the answer out to that

individual question.

Best of luck to you. They are definitely crazy, aren't they?

Kerrie

> > >

> > > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not

have

> > it. He

> > > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He

just

> > won't

> > > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> > >

> > > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> > >

> > > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> > >

> > > Hello Bridget,

> > >

> > > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have

found

> > the

> > > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to

make

> > rez there

> > > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you

can

> > refer us

> > > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

> > April.

> > >

> > > Love,

> > >

> > > Dad

> > >

> > > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My

heart

> > is

> > > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

Don't

> > contact

> > > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought

$800

> > worth of

> > > plane tickets in December?

> > >

> > > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Kerrie-

Yes, yes they are. You are right nada bought those tickets with rapid fire

the second she realized I was not coming home for Christmas and I distanced

myself from her after her huge blowup at Thanksgiving (when I said I am not

flying 3,000 miles just to sit here and be abused by you- it was a scene she

sat in a chair screaming about how I clearly think I am better than her b/c

I am not a teacher, I drive a nicer car and I didn't grow up in the ghetto

like - nonsense with tears and yelling) and dishrag actually came in and sat

in rocking chair and let it go on. He was like what your mother is trying

to say is that it is tough to know you moved so far away and your life seems

nicer. Or some complete nonsense. So I said- um whatever. Are you going

to visit? And she was like omg do you think I can afford to? Um, yeah I do

this house is worth a million dollars- I think you probably have a little

spare change for plane fare- you freak!

Anyway, she bought the tix back then and I went nc a week later.

I am not trying to get my brother involved at all. Trust me! In fact he

has actually stopped communicating with me for the most part, which is very

sad. Just after NC- he stopped calling and e.mailing regularly. I know

this is b/c he feared being put in the middle- but it hurts me in my heart

b/c b/f NC we bonded over the crazy reality she presents. But the

difference b/t us is the fact that he can shut down and not respond to her

mania- he does it with ease and has very strong borders. He grew up under

me- so I got all the fleas and abuse and he got to go to camp and avoid

her. He is very strong, has trust, boundaries and high self esteem. She

just eats me for breakfast. In any case- I sent him the e.mail yest. and

when I spoke to him he demanded a better explanation and said Mom just

doesn't get it Bridget. And I said but you know the truth? He was

like well actually I dont' understand your rational, they are your parents.

How bad could it be? I was like but remember when she screamed at

us in teh restaurant in front of ppl? And he was like well I am sure it

won't be that bad- and then I just crumbled inside. I felt so alone.

But I will be okay. This is just further evidence that I can only count on

myself so I better get to work!

Thank you:)

b

>

> LOL- yes, but thank God for caller ID, aye? Do I hear an amen? lol.

>

> Bridget,

> I don't think I would get your brother involved as that kind of

> triangulates things a bit and thats what all nons get on BPs cases

> for doing.

> I think its best to keep up your nc resolve. What, are they just

> going to fly out w/o talking to you at all first? If they do, man

> they are royally crazy. Chances are that they won't= they'd like to

> make sure you are home, where you live, picking them up, etc. You

> just don't pick up the phone, etc. Sure it will piss them off. As

> though you're not pissed off right now or in December when nada said

> she was flying out b/c you were distancing yourself, right? Not sure

> how it will come to confrontation though if you truly remain nc. It

> takes two to fight. If they can't find you, high or low, east or

> west, etc, then they can't exactly confront you, aye?

> Man, that really sucks but I think they think you are bluffing and

> are calling your bluff. What is the universe trying to teach you? Not

> sure. Maybe to stay the course? Maybe to not buy into their drama and

> react to the choices THEY make or worry about how it will impact you.

> To believe in your heart that you really have set a life apart and

> different from them and so thereby impossible to impact you like in

> your childhood? I don't know. I know I too have been down these roads

> where I say 'what's the lesson here.' I think that each individual

> has to dig around in his or her heart to find the answer out to that

> individual question.

> Best of luck to you. They are definitely crazy, aren't they?

> Kerrie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not

> have

> > > it. He

> > > > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc. He

> just

> > > won't

> > > > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> > > >

> > > > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> > > >

> > > > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> > > >

> > > > Hello Bridget,

> > > >

> > > > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and have

> found

> > > the

> > > > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan to

> make

> > > rez there

> > > > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if you

> can

> > > refer us

> > > > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking forward to

> > > April.

> > > >

> > > > Love,

> > > >

> > > > Dad

> > > >

> > > > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick. My

> heart

> > > is

> > > > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

> Don't

> > > contact

> > > > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you bought

> $800

> > > worth of

> > > > plane tickets in December?

> > > >

> > > > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come on!!!!!!!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Bridget,

You sound just like me w/regards to your younger brother. HOWEVER, a

big difference between you and I is our assesment of our younger

siblings. You think he has strong boundaries and is fairly healthy

and trusts, etc, etc. I USE to think that, but now I think its just

that he's younger, I got the brunt of it growing up w/being her

target and he SEEMED to not get any of it until I moved out. BUT, he

is not okay. I see that the healthier I get and I honestly believe

the healthier you get, the more you will see your younger brother is

NOT okay either. He puts on a good front but anyone who was truly

healthy would not question your rationale w/these things nor be

reminded about what happened in a crowded restaurant. Chances are he

is taking the path of least resistance like your dishrag has always

modeled for him- males modeling male behavior and we're stuck w/the

psycho nada. Not sure which is worse as at least we can see w/our

psycho female role model that at least she's freaking nuts and we

don't want to be like her. Your brother may have a harder time seeing

your dad's walk in life is NOT the optimal path- least resistance.

It was clear to me last Thanksgiving, talking about that wonderful

holiday:) that my brother was no where near as healthy as I'd always

given him credit for being- he just pushes it down like some men do

(which its cultural and that's why I'm so absolutely amazed by some

of the men on this board as men are not conditioned to talk about

emotions and childhood and such as much as women...I think its

courageous for some of the guys to be here, but same for women. I

just think it is a bit different w/conditioning in our culture.).

Anyway, I was telling him about my latest crazy bit w/nada from

September when we evacuated from the hurricane (thankfully we were

spared but you probably saw me w/millions of people on tv- lol- 30

hours in a car and then a week w/psycho FOO- I'll take a hurricane

any day of the week after that, but would prefer nothing) and he

said 'When are you going to get over your childhood?' I was so

insensed and absolutely hurt to no end. But I know he's said things

like this before- like he's better than me emotionally b/c he sucks

it up and acts like everything is okay (though I know deep down when

he gets mad, he's out of control though he rarely ever gets mad)-

which is just a bunch of happy horse $hit if you ask me. I didn't see

it that way before though. I kind of always thought my brother had it

altogether and was just wiser than I. Now I see it differently. He's

part of the problem b/c he doesn't even want to acknowledge that

there is a problem. And so I finally stood up to myself to him for

the first time ever and kind of took back my place as older, wiser

big sis than I've scoffed at for the past 15 years and said 'Your

compassion is overwhelming. It seems you really are over your

childhood.' It really knocked him for a loop that I saw and stated

clearly what an arrogant ahole he was being and probably has been for

a long time acting like he's okay when he's far from it. He's not

supportive of good mental health. He's supportive of him not

revisiting a very painful childhood and white knuckles it through

life. God help him when he has kids though. I think deep down he has

anger issues he doesn't remotely want to deal with and I'm a little

concerned about the potential of him being a dad when he does have

these issues. For me, its difficult and I'm at least aware of the

problems. Its always harder when you're not even aware.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my take on your brother. I think the

healthier you get, the more you will see that he's not exactly the

person you want to be or having the answers you may think he has. And

no, you do not have to go it alone. You probably just have to start

over- I mean w/family and redefine it like so many here have had to

do. It sucks though as I thought I was close to my brother. I am, but

only to the degree we can be and I'm coming to peace over that.

Doesn't mean I can't find outside family to learn from.

Gotta go see my T now.

Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > > > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not

> > have

> > > > it. He

> > > > > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc.

He

> > just

> > > > won't

> > > > > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> > > > >

> > > > > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> > > > >

> > > > > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello Bridget,

> > > > >

> > > > > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and

have

> > found

> > > > the

> > > > > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan

to

> > make

> > > > rez there

> > > > > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if

you

> > can

> > > > refer us

> > > > > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking

forward to

> > > > April.

> > > > >

> > > > > Love,

> > > > >

> > > > > Dad

> > > > >

> > > > > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick.

My

> > heart

> > > > is

> > > > > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

> > Don't

> > > > contact

> > > > > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you

bought

> > $800

> > > > worth of

> > > > > plane tickets in December?

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come

on!!!!!!!

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

Kerrie-

I agree on two counts a.) he can ignore it/avoid it (what I used to do) and

b.) he escaped most b/c I was the oldest.

He seriously has always butted heads with her from day 1. When it came time

to beat him for doing something bad he would laugh at her- to drive her to

become angrier- and then she'd hit me. He was good at escaping her. Being

a male he also got to go off with dishrag- which really meant my dad would

take him anywhere he wanted (in this case my brother became a young

magician- my dad would drive him to lessons, meetings, to buy equipment, to

seminars and eventually to his competitions and jobs). So he escaped. He

got to go away for long periods of time to special camps, acting classes,

singing lessons, etc. And I got stuck at home permanently. In college- I

threatened to leave at 18 and never return- he did the same but meant it! I

had to come home every summer- and even got grounded if I did something

wrong. They paid his rent to stay at school. After college- they coerced

me into living at home- only to stay on my case (you aren't eating dinner

with us at 5- we are a family! Hello psycho I am working 60 hour weeks in

corporate america leave me alone).

Okay, so I am ranting. After college- he moved straight to Texas- to get

the hell away. He cuts her off on the phone and shuts down with her. I see

him do it. Just like dishrag. You just nod Bridget- it is so easy. Just

shut up and think of other things. I can't do that! I want to shout this

is unjust!

So yeah, he is just not going to share my experience and his need to have a

normal nice family is far greater than mine is anymore. It is in his best

interest to keep it pretty for appearances and general ease of life. But

for me- the stakes are now too high and for me it is more important that I

avoid her and not play these games...

>

> Bridget,

> You sound just like me w/regards to your younger brother. HOWEVER, a

> big difference between you and I is our assesment of our younger

> siblings. You think he has strong boundaries and is fairly healthy

> and trusts, etc, etc. I USE to think that, but now I think its just

> that he's younger, I got the brunt of it growing up w/being her

> target and he SEEMED to not get any of it until I moved out. BUT, he

> is not okay. I see that the healthier I get and I honestly believe

> the healthier you get, the more you will see your younger brother is

> NOT okay either. He puts on a good front but anyone who was truly

> healthy would not question your rationale w/these things nor be

> reminded about what happened in a crowded restaurant. Chances are he

> is taking the path of least resistance like your dishrag has always

> modeled for him- males modeling male behavior and we're stuck w/the

> psycho nada. Not sure which is worse as at least we can see w/our

> psycho female role model that at least she's freaking nuts and we

> don't want to be like her. Your brother may have a harder time seeing

> your dad's walk in life is NOT the optimal path- least resistance.

>

> It was clear to me last Thanksgiving, talking about that wonderful

> holiday:) that my brother was no where near as healthy as I'd always

> given him credit for being- he just pushes it down like some men do

> (which its cultural and that's why I'm so absolutely amazed by some

> of the men on this board as men are not conditioned to talk about

> emotions and childhood and such as much as women...I think its

> courageous for some of the guys to be here, but same for women. I

> just think it is a bit different w/conditioning in our culture.).

> Anyway, I was telling him about my latest crazy bit w/nada from

> September when we evacuated from the hurricane (thankfully we were

> spared but you probably saw me w/millions of people on tv- lol- 30

> hours in a car and then a week w/psycho FOO- I'll take a hurricane

> any day of the week after that, but would prefer nothing) and he

> said 'When are you going to get over your childhood?' I was so

> insensed and absolutely hurt to no end. But I know he's said things

> like this before- like he's better than me emotionally b/c he sucks

> it up and acts like everything is okay (though I know deep down when

> he gets mad, he's out of control though he rarely ever gets mad)-

> which is just a bunch of happy horse $hit if you ask me. I didn't see

> it that way before though. I kind of always thought my brother had it

> altogether and was just wiser than I. Now I see it differently. He's

> part of the problem b/c he doesn't even want to acknowledge that

> there is a problem. And so I finally stood up to myself to him for

> the first time ever and kind of took back my place as older, wiser

> big sis than I've scoffed at for the past 15 years and said 'Your

> compassion is overwhelming. It seems you really are over your

> childhood.' It really knocked him for a loop that I saw and stated

> clearly what an arrogant ahole he was being and probably has been for

> a long time acting like he's okay when he's far from it. He's not

> supportive of good mental health. He's supportive of him not

> revisiting a very painful childhood and white knuckles it through

> life. God help him when he has kids though. I think deep down he has

> anger issues he doesn't remotely want to deal with and I'm a little

> concerned about the potential of him being a dad when he does have

> these issues. For me, its difficult and I'm at least aware of the

> problems. Its always harder when you're not even aware.

>

> Anyway, I just wanted to share my take on your brother. I think the

> healthier you get, the more you will see that he's not exactly the

> person you want to be or having the answers you may think he has. And

> no, you do not have to go it alone. You probably just have to start

> over- I mean w/family and redefine it like so many here have had to

> do. It sucks though as I thought I was close to my brother. I am, but

> only to the degree we can be and I'm coming to peace over that.

> Doesn't mean I can't find outside family to learn from.

>

> Gotta go see my T now.

>

> Kerrie

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I clearly asked for no contact. Dishrag of all ppl will not

> > > have

> > > > > it. He

> > > > > > has already sent superbowl pics, jokes from my uncle, etc.

> He

> > > just

> > > > > won't

> > > > > > let up. Nada sent a letter and I threw it away.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > NC has been for about 6 weeks now. What the h*ll?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Now he just sent an e.mail re: Travel in April

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hello Bridget,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > We are making plans to stay in a hotel when we visit and

> have

> > > found

> > > > > the

> > > > > > Bayside on 200 Ocean Ave. that looks pretty good. We plan

> to

> > > make

> > > > > rez there

> > > > > > this weekend. Let us know if that place isn't okay or if

> you

> > > can

> > > > > refer us

> > > > > > to someplace else. Hope all is going well. Looking

> forward to

> > > > > April.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Love,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Dad

> > > > > >

> > > > > > What am I supposed to do? Right now I feel kind of sick.

> My

> > > heart

> > > > > is

> > > > > > racing. My head is screaming. I want to say NO- I said no.

> > > Don't

> > > > > contact

> > > > > > me. Why are you freaking doing this? Just because you

> bought

> > > $800

> > > > > worth of

> > > > > > plane tickets in December?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I feel guilty for making them waste money, but come

> on!!!!!!!

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >