a good accomplishment!!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I want to share a letter that I wrote to the therapist that came to evaluate

my dad's home to determine custody of my 5 younger sibs(ages 16-6). I feel

pretty good about how I articulated things. It was good for me to be able to put

it down on paper and actually send it to someone:). Now all we have to do is

hurry up and wait for this guy to finish his report. I hope and pray that my

message got through to him because nada had her charming act on heavy when he

visited her house. She even baked a cake! Anyway here's my letter:

Dr. E,

I am grateful for the opportunity to speak with you and to send you this

letter. On Saturday you asked me what I thought would be important for you to

know. I have thought all week about this, and I finally concluded that in order

for my family to heal, I should be candid about things. It really doesn’t do

anyone good to ignore unpleasant things, especially in situations like this.

I am concerned for my siblings and definitely do not want to see them hurt. My

mom does not have the capacity to provide for them physically or psychologically

in the role of primary caregiver. She is an unstable person right now, mostly

because she refuses to acknowledge her diagnoses of Borderline Personality

Disorder and the inappropriateness of her behavior. Obviously, I am not a

professional in the psychiatric field, as you are, but I have learned much about

BPD and my mom shows the defined characteristics very clearly. In addition to

this, I have spoken to my aunt (mom’s sister) who told me that mom was reluctant

to have the kids full time again because it was nice to be free of the burden.

In my opinion, mom is fighting for custody for the wrong reasons. She likes to

fight and so far she has used my siblings as proverbial carrots to manipulate my

dad. She threatens and demeans and gives reprimand to my dad and siblings and

then expects to be accommodated at the drop of a hat

without hurt feelings.

She shows disregard for the consequences of her behavior and the impact on

others. For example, I was babysitting J on 10/28/05 and she wanted to come to

the house to take things she felt entitled to. I did not want a confrontation so

I tried to leave before she arrived. As I was fastening my daughter and J into

my car she pulled up. She demanded to have Jon go with her. I told her that we

were leaving and backed out of the driveway. She went out to the middle of the

road and stood in front of my car, blocking me in. When I was able to get around

her, she called the police and reported that I had kidnapped J and intentionally

tried to hit her with my car. She did make contact with the car but only as she

was trying to run in front of it in the middle of the road! She was not injured

she was vengeful that I did not cave to her demand.

Another example, shortly before my wedding in 2001, mom and I had a

disagreement about minor details of the reception. She became so upset that she

took a knife from the kitchen and threatened suicide. She stabbed herself in the

stomach right there in the kitchen and then went to lay on the couch. She told

me that I had driven her to suicide- it was my fault. She forbid me to call 911.

She was not being reasonable so I had to call 911. She required surgery to

repair her liver. Afterward she told me that she was so disappointed when she

woke up in the hospital. She said she really wanted to be dead.

Over the years, mom has said and done very hurtful things to our family. She

does not restrain her anger and can be violent toward those who are not

complying with her wants. She has repeatedly spanked all of us kids with kitchen

instruments- spoons and ladles. She pulls knives often. A few months ago she

forced E out of the car in the freezing cold three miles from home to walk

because they disagreed. E had no coat and was recovering from pneumonia. She has

told C that he was stupid several times. One occasion saying “You are a stupid

f-ing sloth!” Mom often tells us that we are sinful and need to repent when we

don’t agree with her. This is not limited to religious topics. There are too

many of these examples to continue- I’d end up with a novel size letter for you.

I’m sure that all of this may sound excessive. We knew something was wrong but

couldn’t sort it out. It wasn’t until recently that we learned that there was a

name for the way she is. She denies anything to do with BPD and that she does

not know why we want her to get help for something she doesn’t have. I am sad

and frustrated by this. My family would not be in this situation if she didn’t

behave the way she does. She is tearing us apart. Although none of us are

perfect or even near so, I feel that my mom is not able to be a competent

primary caregiver to my siblings. They are much safer with my dad. He is

attentive and able to provide a better home environment.

Thank you again for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Adria

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