a goal: no negotiating with my BP/NCP parent

[Guest guest]

I don't have this thing licked. I am a work in progress. Which is

one reason I am here. To learn more. But I do know this. I am tired

and worn out " negotiating " with the BP/NPD. I am tired of setting

terms for the relationshiop only to have them repeatedly ignored.

And then I cave in and give up and tolerate the same old, same old.

I have been advised that if I am to have a relationship with this

parent that it has to be on my terms, for the sake of my mental

health. I always seem to revert to it being on her terms. And my

health suffers for it.

My goal is not to negotiate with her. Not to give second, third and

4th chances all the time. But to set limits and stick to them. I am

either the biggest wimp in the world, the most frightened person in

the world to stand up for myself or I don't know what. But I am

tired of letting the BPD/NPD behavior dominate and dictate my own

reactions and behaviors.

If the BP parent is going to say to me " I don't want a relationship

with you " then I am going to think about it for the sake of MY

mental health and agree with them that it is a good idea. She sent

me flowers for Valentine's Day and now is telling me to @#$% off

because I am not kissing her butt. I don't like being treated that

way. And yet I negotiate with her but not outright. I don't

say " let's negotiate " . It is kind of like silent negotiations on my

part. I kind of say " if you act normal I will be your friend " and

give her the opportunity to prove herself. The thing is, she can't

act normal for long and so the negotiations fail time after time.

I have to start thinking of my own health. Both physical and mental

when dealing with BP/NPD. I never put my own health needs first. The

mental strain and psychosomatic illnesses that come with the abusive

and inconsistent behavior. I am not married to this person. It is

not like I have to work hard to be in a relationship with her. I

love her but from a distance. She hurts too much to love up close.

Thank you for listening. I am important too. She is not the center

of attention here. In my world, I have to be because if I am not

healthy, those that do mean something to me are going to be short

changed if I don't take care of myself and most of all, I will be

short changed.

My goal is to be loving, kind and non-abusive. But to protect myself

from entering into relationships where my mental or physical health

is put to the test.

These are goals for me. I don't have this licked.

Thanks for listening.

RW

ps Posting after a verbal assault by the BP/NPD parent totally

unwarranted and it hits me in the mind and gut and stays there until

it wears off on it's own...until it happens the next time. But I

deserve better than having to anticipate and expect a next time.

Everyone here does. I believe in honest communication with the goal

being to improve a situation in a relationship but being

verbally/emotionally abused is not that kind of communication.

[Guest guest]

RW, good for you. Not negotiating takes courage, but is SOOOOOO much

easier than negotiating with a BP(god, does that hurt my brain!!!)

It is such a good feeling when I know that I need to set a boundary

with my nada and I can give myself permission not to give reasons or

negotiate on it. It makes it so much easier to stand up for myself.

Trish

>

> I don't have this thing licked. I am a work in progress. Which is

> one reason I am here. To learn more. But I do know this. I am tired

> and worn out " negotiating " with the BP/NPD. I am tired of setting

> terms for the relationshiop only to have them repeatedly ignored.

> And then I cave in and give up and tolerate the same old, same old.

>

> I have been advised that if I am to have a relationship with this

> parent that it has to be on my terms, for the sake of my mental

> health. I always seem to revert to it being on her terms. And my

> health suffers for it.

>

> My goal is not to negotiate with her. Not to give second, third and

> 4th chances all the time. But to set limits and stick to them. I am

> either the biggest wimp in the world, the most frightened person in

> the world to stand up for myself or I don't know what. But I am

> tired of letting the BPD/NPD behavior dominate and dictate my own

> reactions and behaviors.

>

> If the BP parent is going to say to me " I don't want a relationship

> with you " then I am going to think about it for the sake of MY

> mental health and agree with them that it is a good idea. She sent

> me flowers for Valentine's Day and now is telling me to @#$% off

> because I am not kissing her butt. I don't like being treated that

> way. And yet I negotiate with her but not outright. I don't

> say " let's negotiate " . It is kind of like silent negotiations on my

> part. I kind of say " if you act normal I will be your friend " and

> give her the opportunity to prove herself. The thing is, she can't

> act normal for long and so the negotiations fail time after time.

>

> I have to start thinking of my own health. Both physical and mental

> when dealing with BP/NPD. I never put my own health needs first. The

> mental strain and psychosomatic illnesses that come with the abusive

> and inconsistent behavior. I am not married to this person. It is

> not like I have to work hard to be in a relationship with her. I

> love her but from a distance. She hurts too much to love up close.

>

> Thank you for listening. I am important too. She is not the center

> of attention here. In my world, I have to be because if I am not

> healthy, those that do mean something to me are going to be short

> changed if I don't take care of myself and most of all, I will be

> short changed.

>

> My goal is to be loving, kind and non-abusive. But to protect myself

> from entering into relationships where my mental or physical health

> is put to the test.

>

> These are goals for me. I don't have this licked.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

> RW

>

> ps Posting after a verbal assault by the BP/NPD parent totally

> unwarranted and it hits me in the mind and gut and stays there until

> it wears off on it's own...until it happens the next time. But I

> deserve better than having to anticipate and expect a next time.

> Everyone here does. I believe in honest communication with the goal

> being to improve a situation in a relationship but being

> verbally/emotionally abused is not that kind of communication.

>

[Guest guest]

RW,

I completely agree with your goal!

Here's a tip that might help. It's called partial agreement. I

got it from one of the many books and it has helped me a lot.

No matter what the BPD/NPD parent says, you can agree, at least

partially, and still keep your boundary. Agreement takes the wind

out of their sails. They don't know how to argue when you agree.

Here are a few examples of using partial agreement:

" I'm in too much pain to do ..... so you have to do it for me. "

" Mom, I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I will not do ..... "

" But I need you to do ..... for me. "

" You may need someone to do ...... but I will not do ....... "

" But your sister/brother does not mind doing ..... "

" That may be true but I won't do ..... "

" But I feel so ..... "

" I understand that you feel ...... but I will not do ....... "

" I'd never do this to my mother! "

" No, Mom, you probably wouldn't. "

(this sounds silly, but it's a direct quote!)

" You're just like your father!! "

" Yes, I probably am like Dad to some degree. "

(another direct quote)

Just practice being like a broken record, repeating your boundaries

over and over (or hanging up if they start to rage), and staying

calm. And breathe.

Good luck to you!

Hugs,

Marjorie

http://www.bookcrossing.com/mybookshelf/ahimsa