A Problem Friend/Relationship?

[Guest guest]

I am struggling with my romantic relationships. I think I may look for nada

in my boyfriend. Maybe? My first long term relationship- 3 years- was a

man who was super kind on the outside, but had an anger problem and would

yell at me and make me feel bad. He did confusing things- say one thing, do

another. I can't delve into it b/c I just can't go there right now.

More recently I have gotten involved with someone- who I am keeping at arm's

length, who is a bit selfish and confusing.

I am scared b/c I am afraid I will get involved on a " helper " level- or get

sucked into something bad again. The weird part is he is a customer, who is

horrible to work with. A typical New Yorker (no offense)- yelling,

screaming and saying one thing but doing another. He is obsessed with

playing games- flat out taking offense to one negative thing I say and

deflecting all blame for any situation away from himself. For exp. I

worked on a deal for him for five hours. He then called a moment ago and

said forget it I got it done elsewhere. So I said thanks for wasting my

time- and he yelled for 15 minutes about how he doesn't waste my time. to

the point I had to apologize or admit the score is even- since he said " the

deal has been done " and I said " you wasted my time " . My gut says this is

unfair.

In any case I struggle b/c in our personal life he is very kind and nice to

me, a little self centered- cuts me off sometimes. I don't know what to

do. I have fun with him, but I have a gut feeling he is a lonely selfish

person with deep issues. I think I either have low self esteem or am ready

to accept another nada in my life in some way.

Any ideas or simliar experiences?

>

> Hi Flea,

>

> During the past year or so I was having similar dissociation/panic

> experiences at work, which I finally realised were full-blown PTSD

> flashbacks. And that makes sense because my nada was obsessed with

> my " performance " in school and treated me like an employee (it was

> my " job " in the family to be a brilliant scholar and earn glory for

> HER) rather than a child (it was a HUGE breakthrough when I figured

> that out). So of course there were things that people at work were

> doing (in all innocence!) to trigger the old traumatic reactions. It

> got bad after I had a boss for a while who treated me very much like

> nada did (impossible expectations, and not listening to me), and even

> after he left I was having so much trouble functioning that I thought

> I was going to have to go on stress leave or even quit.

>

> I ended up consulting a psychologist through the EAP, and she did

> some EMDR with me, which I felt better about than drugs, and it was

> very effective and made a difference quickly. For me, at least, it

> had an immediate positive effect; reducing all the PTSD-ish type

> anxiety/dissociation/flashbacky " stuff " . Of course your mileage may

> vary, but EMDR seemed to me to be less drastic/risky than me than

> medicating myself, which I was afraid I as going to have to do. I'm

> glad I tried it first. I still get anxious, it's even fair to say I

> still panic sometimes, but it's not nearly so debilitating and I can

> also calm myself better and faster. As I keep working on the

> workbook (details below) and calming down enough to recognize the

> triggers as TRIGGERS, rather than legitimate reasons for terror, it

> is slowly but steadily getting better. But I have to say the EMDR

> made a significant difference for me in a short time (3 sessions).

>

> That being said, I think part of the reason it was as helpful as it

> was is because I really had a lot of trust and respect for the person

> who was doing it. She turned out to be fabulous, very conscientious

> and careful and really impressed me (I have a science background and

> tend to check out people like psychologists super carefully) with her

> preparation and understanding of what she was doing. I went in

> extremely skeptical about the PROCEDURE, but I trusted her enough

> that I was willing to participate because she thought it was worth a

> try.

>

> If you are not familiar with EMDR, here is a site that I think offers

> a good balanced (i.e. it's not a " commercial " for the procedure,

> which many websites are) description of the procedure, what we do and

> don't understand about why it often (but not always) works, and the

> precautions and risks.

>

> http://www.seinstitute.com/EMDR.html

>

> Another option that I have found very helpful but is more long-term

> is Vermilyea's workbook Growing Beyond Survival, which was

> recommended by our Charlie here on the list. It was an excellent

> adjunct to EMDR, and I am still working with it. It is designed

> particularly for adults who are experiencing PTSD as a result of

> prolonged trauma during childhood. (I think that description fits a

> lot of us KOs!)

>

> I thought I would share my experience in case you are interested in

> exploring either of these as an option, particularly if you are

> motivated to pursue alternatives to medication.

>

> BTW an excellent book on PTSD is Belleruth Naparstek's " Invivisble

> Heroes " . She devotes several chapters near the end to the particular

> form of treatment that she personally practices, but the first part

> of the book is one of the best introductions to PTSD I have read,

> particularly for people who are trying to figure out whether what

> they are experiencing is PTSD or not, and what they can do if it is.

> (She does describe a lot of the common treatment methodologies

> although not in nearly as much detail as the one that she uses.)

>

> Hugs,

>

>

> --- Flea Bitten <fleabitten_ko@y...> wrote:

> >

> > Hi,all,

> >

> > I'm having a KO-related problem, but it requires some

> explanation, please bear with me! ;-)

> >

> > Some of you might remember, my 11-year-old son has severe ADHD.

> He is on meds, but lately the meds have not been working like they

> used to. As kids grow, it's my understanding that sometimes the dose

> or the med itself has to be changed. His doc is aware of this, and

> we are trying to resolve this. It's hit and miss, and the process

> can take months.

> >

> > When he's properly medicated, he's this lovely, funny,

> interesting, enjoyable, appreciative, kind, caring, creative,

> energetic, friendly, outgoing person. He's got friends, he's got

> hobbies--he's just a happy " normal " kid.

> >

> > When he's NOT properly medicated, he has this horrible Jekyll and

> Hyde behavior--happy (or his regular " normal " self) one minute,

> raging the next. He doesn't seem to care about consequences when

> he's not medicated--he'll lie, try to get out of chores, blame

> everyone else for his problems, yell at everyone with no provocation

> (except interestingly, his baby sister, who somehow he is always

> good to, no matter how " crazed " he is)-- he'll also throw things,

> growl like an animal, you name it. Needless to say, he's not able to

> concentrate on (or complete) his schoolwork or normal tasks. He's

> agitated. It's like he can't even hear you in that state, much less

> think enough to change his behavior.

> >

> > Jekyll and Hyde!

> >

> > I swear, you wouldn't believe it's the same child. And a lot of

> the ADHD characteristics are similar to BPD--the impulsivity, the

> lying, the raging, the black-and-white thinking, the blaming of

> everyone else for problems that he's created. It's relly horrible

> for all of us (including him) to live with.

> >

> > Now the doc has told me, and I've read books that tell me yes,

> having a kid with severe ADHD is like having any other " special

> needs child " ... this is a very " real " disorder--even if some people

> just think he must be a brat or poorly disciplined--and trying to

> reason with him while he's not properly medicated is like trying to

> reason with an unmedicated bipolar person or an unmedicated

> schizophrenic.

> >

> > So, I know I just have to hang in there till the medicine problem

> gets resolved. MEANWHILE here's my problem.

> >

> > I find that the older he gets, the more...abusive....it " feels "

> to me, when he is doing his bad ADHD behaviors. He's bigger, he's

> louder, and the rage just triggers me--esp cause the ADHD behaviors

> can be very similar to BPD behaviors..

> >

> > And so I find that I am doing what I did as a child in an

> abusive situation with nada or stepfada, which is to " go numb " and

> basically tune out everything around me and virtually stop talking

> or showing any emotion or doing much of anything! I just shut down.

> >

> > When this happens to me, I'm aware of it, but no matter how hard

> I try to " snap out of it " I can't do it! It's NOT very adaptive, cuz

> I still have these kids to take care of all day long, and a house to

> take care of, and errands to run, and meals to prepare, and bills to

> pay, and calls to return, and work to do (I work at night) etc. It

> lasts for a good 24 hours, give or take. I'm virtually a zombie,

> doing nothing, ignoring everyone and everything around me.

> >

> > I literally have a very hard time even attending to anyone

> talking to me--my son will say something and I just don't process

> it, and I have to ask him to repeat himself, maybe even twice. Even

> with great effort to the contrary, I'm really tuned out to

> everything.

> >

> > For some reason, this response wasn't a problem when he was

> younger--possibly because in young kids, ADHD behaviors are not all

> that different from a kid-having-a-really-bad-day (except... he had

> that every day, ugh). But now if it's coming out while he's older,

> it seems so inappropriate for his age and " feels " abusive, even

> though I know when he is properly medicated he will not do this--

> that's not the person he is.

> >

> > Moreover, he can switch Jekyll and Hyde several times a day. So,

> say he has been horrid Mr Hyde in the morning. As soon as he gets

> control of himself, he's really sorry. When I'm in this zombie

> state, all I want is for him to get away from me (not just him, but

> anyone). He wants to hug and I don't want anyone touching me when

> I'm like this and am unable to hide that fact completely.

> >

> > And, we're a very " huggy " family, so it's very hard for him, if

> I respond with a minimal hug. The other day he even said to

> me, " When you're like this, I almost feel like you dont love me or

> something. " That made me so sad. I've tried to explain to him--but

> he's just 11 years old!-- " Son, I do love you and I know you're sorry

> for what you did. Sometimes your behavior upsets me so badly that it

> takes me a whole day to get over it. It's an unusual thing, and it's

> my problem, and it doesn't mean I don't love you. Tomorrow I'll feel

> better again. " <<<And you better believe, to make a huge speech like

> that while I'm zombified takes a lot of effort.

> >

> > I mean, it's the best version of the truth that I can come up

> with, for an 11-year-old, but I can't say I think it makes a whole

> lot of sense to him. Plus, when I'm zombified, it's a flat (probably

> unconvincing) zombie voice--not a " mom voice " --so it probably isn't

> very comforting to him, you know?

> >

> > QUESTION: Anyone had an dissociation problem affect their

> parenting or other relationshps? Are there any ways to " snap out of

> it " ? Are there any meds that might work on me? (I'm not big on

> taking meds, but this is hopefully a short-term problem till he gets

> HIS meds straightened out, and in the meantime, this zombie response

> is disabling.) Any good ideas on what worked, in terms of what to

> tell the kids? Once he's medicated again, and every day isn't a

> living h*** around here, I think the problem will resolve itself. In

> the meantime, I'm struggling with this out-of-control child, and

> struggling with guilt over my less-than-ideal response.

> >

> > Thanks for reading a long post.

> > Flea

> >

> >

> >

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