Re: Suicide and all that Jazz

January 1, 2006

The suicide threats were a constant refrain from my childhood. (I'm now in my

middle fifties.) One of my early childhood memories was my Dad slapping my Mom

to try to keep her conscious after an overdose - she was also an alcoholic who

abused pain killers. After the ambulance took her away the police told us she

wouldn't survive but she did. As an adult in my early thirties she called an

aunt and told her she had taken a bottle of pills (she was also drunk at the

time.) My aunt couldn't reach my father so she called me at work. At the time my

Dad had a business located at his house so I called and had one of the employers

walk my mother around until the ambulance came. Since they send the police for a

suicide attempt they had to restrain her to get her in the ambulance. I rode

with her to the hospital and midway through the ride she sat up and wanted to

know if now everyone would now " pay attention " to her! When they pumped her

stomach they found the alcohol and a couple of

Tylenol. On top of all of this since I am her main target, she didn't speak to

me for over six months since I " embarassed " her by calling the ambulance.

Unbelievable! She used the threat of suicide as a means of control for years but

has finally given it up and found other ways.

I'm new to this board and I wanted to let everyone know how much you have

helped me. I have only been able to put a " name " to my Nada's issues in the

past six months. I put up with her bizarre and self-destructive behavior until

last year and went N/C around Christmas 2004. Fortunately she has left me alone

(she needs to be the Queen so she will never contact me) but I have had constant

criticism from my brother and sister about my awful behavior for going N/C with

a Nada who is now going blind (another story.)

Thank you so much for your insight into this disorder. I have seen more

compassion and common sense on this board than I have experienced in my real

life. This is an awful disorder to live with but knowing I'm not crazy in my

perceptions makes things easier.

Lynn

JJ wrote:

I am curious, how many of your parents with BPD have said " I should

just go kill myself " , " you'd be better off withouth me " , " you wish I

were dead - because then you could spend your inheritance early " etc

etc etc...

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January 1, 2006

>I am curious, how many of your parents with BPD have said " I should

> just go kill myself " , " you'd be better off withouth me " , " you wish I

> were dead - because then you could spend your inheritance early " etc

> etc etc...I get this ALL the time. The only difference - my nada's

I have never had to deal with these kinds of statements. I just get a

constant barrage of complaints and 'poor me' thrown at me,

interspersed with how hurt she is because of some thing I said in the

wrong tone of voice, with the wrong look etc. She is constantly

complaining of being lonely which I know is really empty. She is the

busiest, most active, most visited 'lonely' person alive. However, I

know that for her it is a reality. It is also another manipulative

technique. We call her 'the little boy who called wolf'. Not one day

goes by without her telling us she is soooooooo sick. Once again, it

is, I know, her reality. But that doesn't make it any easier to hear

over and over and over. Each day her vision is worse, her hearing is

worse, she is more tired, she is more sick. Then another day dawns

and you just know you will hear it all again. All of the times her

vision has gotten worse by half, she should be completely blind. But

she's not. My concern is that at 96 she appears to be going to live

forever. I know this is not true, but it seems like it will never

end. She has on a couple of occasions, when she didn't get what she

wanted, threatened my two sisters with seeing a lawyer which is a not

so subtle threat at taking them out of the will. In actuality, if she

ever did anything like that, I guess we would have to have her

declared incompetent. I have complete control of her finances, pay

all the bills, invest the money, etc. She hasn't the slightest idea

of how to do any of this. She has never threatened me with seeing a

lawyer, but has tried to manipulate me by reminding me about what we

will have when she passes. I just tell her that I am insulted by such

statements. That it is not a motivation for me. And that is the

truth. There is no amount of money worth giving up my freedom and

self-respect over. Well, I seem to be on my soapbox. LOL Dee

January 1, 2006

Mine does this in very veiled attempts at emotional exploitation and

when I shared my fears about her actually going through with it to

my therapist I almost fell over with shock at his response which

was, " well, then she'll be dead " . At the time it seemed very cold

and brash but the truth is, he is right, if she does herself in then

it's her choice and I can rack myself with guilt about it and let it

run my life. I guess I respond well to this kind of in your face,

reality check therapy, but it really puts things in perspective and

has helped me tremendously in taking back my power.

-

>

> I am curious, how many of your parents with BPD have said " I

should

> just go kill myself " , " you'd be better off withouth me " , " you wish

I

> were dead - because then you could spend your inheritance early "

etc

> etc etc...I get this ALL the time. The only difference - my nada's

> actually gone and tried suicide twice. Both times, drunk and under

> the influence of alcohol. I had the nerve once, years ago, to ask

> her why she did it. She said she did not mean to do it, she was

> drunk and took a bottle of Tylenol if you can believe it - and

> almost died. I was very young when tried the first time and do not

> know all the details, only know what my father told me and that

was

> very little. Maybe she didn't want to die during the second

attempt

> but was instead crying out for help, because, she was the one who

> called 911 before she went unconscious.Incidently, she did this

> after I hung the phone up on her and told her never to call me

> again - so you can see why I feel guilty at times, since I was the

> one who pushed the BPD button for the second attempt. During this

> same conversation with her, I also asked her, how do you think I

> would feel if you succeeded? She did not say anything, other than

to

> say, she would never do it again. But, she still says all the

> time " I should just die " etc, and I never know how to take it

> because, she has carried through with it in the past. She hasn't

had

> a drink in years (no, now she just abuses methadone). What is

> strange, I know she is afraid of death, because she says her life

is

> running out AND she is always freaking out that she has cancer or

> some other life threatening disease. So if she was afraid of

death,

> would she want to kill herself? The truth of the matter, she is

> unpredicatable with her emotions -hence BPD. I know that if she

felt

> empty enough, she probably would just drink her methadone and go

to

> sleep, end of story. Then I'd be left thinking " gee, I should have

> done something... " . But what can I do? She refuses to seek help,

> will not let me talk to her pain specialist who gives her the drug

> (who I did call a few weeks ago but he refused to talk to me

because

> he needs to have her permission). I have a very strong feeling my

> mother would not do anything, I feel that she would not give my

> brother or I the satisfaction of an early inheritance, odd as this

> may sound. My mother and her money will not part until she says

so.

> LOL. I can relate to many of you who deal with older parents and

> money, houses, inheritance, etc., because I get this thrown in my

> face all the time. Anyways, thanks for letting me rant.

>

January 1, 2006

The last time my dear old Headjob tried something like this on me I told

her to go ahead and do it, and agreed that we would all be better off if

she did as it would save one of us from doing it.

She stopped threatening immediately.

She's still alive and kicking, doing brilliantly, and she doesn't

contact me. Seems in this case it worked out well for all concerned.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

January 1, 2006

JJ,

I read your original post, and I feel as though it was something I could have

written. I believe that we MUST be strong...after all, we are surviving and

helping each other through some very difficult things. Our experiences are all

different, but I gain a greater understanding of my own dysfunctional

relationship with nada when I read others' experiences. You wouldn't believe how

many lightbulb moments I have had since joining this group. For once, I feel

normal too. It feels great.

JJ wrote:

Hi - your post made me feel " normal " - weird as that may

sound, and I love the way you write, your words really hit home. It

is hard when they i.e. nada's specifically point the finger at YOU

and say it is YOUR fault they want to die - Who on earth could live

with this kind of sadistic abuse???? KO's that's who! We must be a

strong resilant bunch of humans, I wish I could give everyone one

this list a HUGE HUG because for once in my life, aside from

therapy, I finally feel like I can be free with this and let it go

to people who have been there and totally get this!! Thank you

again - JJ

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January 2, 2006

>

As an adult, I have figured out that she only sees me and my dd as

extensions of herself. She pretty much said so at one point. DD always

looked like HER in pictures, or had HER hair, HER eyes, should have

had the name SHE picked(yes, SHE had the audacity to try to name my

child Phoebe, when I had chosen a name...then she decided because SHE

didn't like it, that she would call her a pet name that I disliked)

Always points out that SHE is her only " blood " grandmother....blah

blah blah.

Wow, my nada tried really hard to force me to raise my kids according

to her gospel too. Same kind of comments, plus some like, 'She looks

so like you when you were a baby, let's hope that she creates less

chaos as she grows up...' (said with angelic smile of 'no nasty

intention') In a previous post I summed up nada's view with her

mantra about grandkids; 'Grandchildren are nature's compensation for

the ills of grwoing old. Which sounds quite innocent until it is tied

in with the rest of it - and the constant emotional pressure to stop

interfereing as she raises her grandchild properly!!!! As 'evidence'

that I was not fit, my child's life stage provided new opportunities

for my own failings to be aired... 'I remember when you were this age

I never splept for 10 weeks for your howling...the number of times yoy

nearly went through the window@ Obviuosly meant to put me down and

show how patient a mother she was in the face of the impossible. humph.

wrt suicide, nada never threatened in my hearing, but regularly used

the other tack mentioned in this thread about 'you will drive me to an

early grave' or 'your constant drama's are sucking me dry, I shall be

lucky to make it to my old age'... (Do you like that one? ME sucking

HER dry!)

Notsobewildered

January 2, 2006

What really bothers me in regards to my nada and her grandchildren is a

statement that she made in

July(prior to me going nc in September),

" If anyone tried to keep me from MY grandkids, so help them. I would just go

kill myself and they would have my death on their head! " HOLY CRAP!!!! At that

point, nc was not an option. But, I think she knew that if I had a good reason,

I would do it.And it seems that that statement was a not-so-subtle way of trying

to forbid me from doing what was necessary in my life. After seeing her treat

every person of importance in my life in the most beastly manner(including my ex

husband and my current dh), and realizing it would get no better, I had to get

the heck away from her. The FOG has been clearing away, and as I watch my little

two year old sleep, I have come to realize that she is far better off without

having to deal with her grandnada. Obviously, that little threat meant little.

She is still alive and kicking(as far as I know), and since my stepfada is not

blocked from my e-mail list, I am sure the woman has not kicked the bucket yet,

or I would have heard it. So, once again,

I am the one that is killing her, and I am the one that is at fault. Not her

irrational behavior and horrid treatment of others. Classic nada. It does amaze

me that nadas seem to be incapable of even having a shred of doubt that their

actions are wrong, and then try to prove it by pointing out every little

character flaw a person has, or events that took place years ago that should

have been laid to rest. Yup...we're ALL driving our nadas to early graves.

Amazingly, they seem to be pretty much alive and kicking, and some seem to be

determined to live forever. Hmmm. Some early grave, huh?

bty919836 wrote: