Guest guest Posted August 14, 2006 Report Share Posted August 14, 2006 Right on. We should not feel ashamed or embarrassed for accomplishing goals, having good fortune and wanting to share this with the ones we love the most. I am tired of hiding these things from nada because of the fear from her response, " It must be nice " , " I never had that opportunity " , " Not everyone is as lucky as you, you know " . No matter how hard we work it is never hard enough in nada's eyes. I believe people to a certain degree go out and help create their own good fourtune, some call it Karma, just by living fairly and treating people the way you would want to be treated. Lori > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman called > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend and > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that her > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her in > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of being a > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for you > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she continued > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > whatever it takes. Dee > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 I'm at a stand off with my mother right now. Three weeks ago I decided not to respond to her email that claimed her love for me and how disconnected we are. I'm in that second guessing myself mode. Could use your advice...Should I just not answer phone calls and emails? Should I verbally say " I don't want this relationship anymore? " My thought is to let it go and not say anything. Any thoughts? KW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Dr. today >Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:19:46 -0000 > >Dee -- thanks for passing that along! > >My nada is in one of her " misery storms " and I'm so trained to feel >like I should call, when I absolutely hate talking to her when she's >in the victim mode. They don't want help, they just want your pity. > >But, again, my childhood training makes it uncomfortable for me not >to call, especially when her ally -- my Dad -- has >basically " ordered " me to. I've refused, and we're at a standoff. > >It's very uncomfortable. Dr. 's summation of the situation is >perfect, and I can see it in my nada, too. > > > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman >called > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend >and > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that >her > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her >in > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of >being a > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for >you > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she >continued > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at >@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON >THE GROUP. > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL >() for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the >Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE >and the SWOE Workbook. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 KW, I went through a simmilar situation in april. My nada and i got in a huge fit on Easter(of all days)over pictures of my child (of all things). She said " i needed to send more " i said " no she got what i could give " . Well the whole thing blew up into her trying to draw me into the FOG and I was trying not to let her do it. I was pulled in but i stood up for my self and promised not to let her manipulate me into sending pictures so i decided i would not call her. My Nada refused to call or talk with me only after she sent a nasty email and left a cruel message for me. However i did answer her nasty email and to my suprise (i don't know why i was suprised) it encourage her. The only reason i called her was because my husband and i planned a trip to she my family and his family and i needed to know if we were still welcome or if we should just skip our trip to see them. She still has not gotten over it to this day. I guess i shared my story because Even though i called she still is holding everthing against me.I think my calling was a mistake and i were do do it over i would have cancelled my trip and not have called and would have just been done with it. There is only so much a person can handle. But i think you need to look at the situation and ask your self a few question " is my calling her going to help our situation? " " do i want to continue my life with a relationship i am unhappy with " and probably the most important question " is my second guessing myself because i feel guilty or becasue i really want to be a part of her life? " If you feel like you should just let it go and you truely do not want a relationship with her I would let it go, stop secong guessing yourself and follow your heart and mind. My heart goes out because i don't know if i would have the strength to stop responding and i know it is a hard decision. Not calling her and ending the relationship will probably hurt alot and may even create guilt but in the long run you will probably be happier. You are the only one who can make the decision on what to do and you are the only person who knows what is best for you and your happines. I think it is easier to give advice than take it so good luck and keep me posted. Bobbie > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman > >called > > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend > >and > > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that > >her > > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her > >in > > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of > >being a > > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for > >you > > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she > >continued > > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > >THE GROUP. > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > >and the SWOE Workbook. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 Bobbie, Thank you for sharing your story with me. It was very helpful to get me back on track. I do not want the relationship that only a borderline parent can offer. I know it wont change. In a normal relationship, calling her would give me closer. You are absolutely right though, with my mother, calling her would spark a fight and she would NEVER let me forget it !! I am better letting things go. Thanks for the support !! I really needed it ! KW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Dr. today >Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2006 19:07:22 -0000 > >KW, >I went through a simmilar situation in april. My nada and i got in a >huge fit on Easter(of all days)over pictures of my child (of all >things). She said " i needed to send more " i said " no she got what i >could give " . Well the whole thing blew up into her trying to draw me >into the FOG and I was trying not to let her do it. I was pulled in >but i stood up for my self and promised not to let her manipulate me >into sending pictures so i decided i would not call her. My Nada >refused to call or talk with me only after she sent a nasty email and >left a cruel message for me. However i did answer her nasty email and >to my suprise (i don't know why i was suprised) it encourage her. The >only reason i called her was because my husband and i planned a trip >to she my family and his family and i needed to know if we were still >welcome or if we should just skip our trip to see them. She still has >not gotten over it to this day. > >I guess i shared my story because Even though i called she still is >holding everthing against me.I think my calling was a mistake and i >were do do it over i would have cancelled my trip and not have called >and would have just been done with it. There is only so much a person >can handle. But i think you need to look at the situation and ask your >self a few question " is my calling her going to help our situation? " > " do i want to continue my life with a relationship i am unhappy with " >and probably the most important question " is my second guessing myself >because i feel guilty or becasue i really want to be a part of her >life? " If you feel like you should just let it go and you truely do >not want a relationship with her I would let it go, stop secong >guessing yourself and follow your heart and mind. My heart goes out >because i don't know if i would have the strength to stop responding >and i know it is a hard decision. Not calling her and ending the >relationship will probably hurt alot and may even create guilt but in >the long run you will probably be happier. You are the only one who >can make the decision on what to do and you are the only person who >knows what is best for you and your happines. I think it is easier to >give advice than take it so good luck and keep me posted. > >Bobbie > > > > > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > > > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman > > >called > > > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend > > >and > > > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that > > >her > > > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her > > >in > > > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > > > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of > > >being a > > > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for > > >you > > > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she > > >continued > > > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > > > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > > > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > > >THE GROUP. > > > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL > > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the > > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " >(Roth) > > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and >author SWOE > > >and the SWOE Workbook. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 I can relate -- I'm fighting the uncomfortable feelings that this current standoff is bringing up. It's standing up for myself against her " silent treatment " bullying. I'm sick of it. So I'll just have to be uncomfortable for awhile. To protect my integrity, I have decided not to play the game anymore. I gave in last time, and that's like paying off a blackmailer. They always come back around. It seems that 2nd guessing ourselves is part of being raised by BPDs. If you know you're doing the right thing for you, then steel yourself. Maybe there wasn't much of a relationship there to begin with, and this is one way to reveal what's there once and for all. > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman > >called > > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend > >and > > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that > >her > > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her > >in > > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of > >being a > > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for > >you > > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she > >continued > > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > >THE GROUP. > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35- SHELL > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > >and the SWOE Workbook. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 KW, It took me a little over one year from the time I stopped responding to my nada to the time I finally made the statement to her that I no longer wanted any contact. And even then, I said that I did not know for how long - I really didn't know if it was going to be temporary or permanent. Perhaps that year was one great big second guess, I don't really know. What I can understand now is how enmeshed I was, and what a great fear of abandonment I was dealing with - through out my childhood, my nada would tell me she didn't love me and threaten to leave the family. Of course, my reaction as a child, which I took into adulthood, was to do whatever I thought I could do to get her to love me and to want to stay with our family. Emotionally, I knew that when I went no contact, I would be the one who was doing something irrevocable, I would finally put myself (really my inner child) into the situation that I had been trying to avoid for my whole lifetime - that of losing my mother. But now, I could understand that I never had her to begin with. She is a person who is incapable of mothering or of giving love of any kind. I also became severely depressed for a few months after 'officially' going no contact. It was a very difficult time. The only reason I was able to get through it was because of all the emotional work and healing that I had done up to that point. Recovering from our nadas and fadas is a process. Sometimes we move forward, sometimes we reach a plateau, and we see no progress for awhile, sometimes we slip backwards. But once we grasp that we can do something for ourselves, and that we are not responsible for our nada or fada's lives, we have changed our view of the relationship, and other changes follow that. Take care, Sylvia > > I'm at a stand off with my mother right now. Three weeks ago I decided not > to respond to her email that claimed her love for me and how disconnected we > are. I'm in that second guessing myself mode. Could use your > advice...Should I just not answer phone calls and emails? Should I verbally > say " I don't want this relationship anymore? " My thought is to let it go > and not say anything. Any thoughts? > > KW > >....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 Very good words -- this is not a black/white, make or break act on our parts, it's part of a " process " as you correctly put it. > > > > I'm at a stand off with my mother right now. Three weeks ago I > decided not > > to respond to her email that claimed her love for me and how > disconnected we > > are. I'm in that second guessing myself mode. Could use your > > advice...Should I just not answer phone calls and emails? Should > I verbally > > say " I don't want this relationship anymore? " My thought is to > let it go > > and not say anything. Any thoughts? > > > > KW > > > >....... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2006 Report Share Posted August 16, 2006 I know just how you are feeling. This is day 7 of nc and I find myself doing this also. I know the other shoe is going to drop because nada always has to have the last word. I have been avoiding her knocking at the door, phone calls. I know she will try something else, probably through a relative. But you know what,despite some of the FOG, this is the first time in my adulthood I have not had to worry about calling her. Thinking things like, Will she be mad because I have not called soon enough? Will she be mad because I called when she said she might not be home? It is really nice not to have to dread that contact that I have to make with her. Nobody is mad at me this week! I can only believe that this feeling will get better and it will for you too. It has to, because our alternative of keeping the contact up is so depressing! Keep your chin up, I struggle with you and we are doing great! Lori > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way home, > > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman > >called > > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful boyfriend > >and > > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out that > >her > > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep her > >in > > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck and > > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of > >being a > > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible for > >you > > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she > >continued > > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into her > > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be happy > > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > >THE GROUP. > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35- SHELL > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE > >and the SWOE Workbook. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2006 Report Share Posted August 17, 2006 Lori -- Your post gave me comfort! I am in this uncomfortable state, but the way I've relieved the burden before is to capitulate to their demands to call them. Since I can't stomach that anymore, I'm going to have to live with the discomfort. But you're right: Now, I don't have to worry about " Should I call? " " Will she be mad that I haven't called in a couple of weeks? " " Should I invite her to this or that? " (she always says no, anyway), " Should I go over there? " ......etc.... Now, this relationship will have to stand on its own -- without me fretting and making all the effort. I can tell I'm being set up to be the bad guy by them -- but so be it. Let's all stand together in these standoffs and give each other strength. -kyla > > > > > > > > Hi, I just drove home from lunch with a friend. On the way > home, > > > > after dropping her off, I listened to Dr. . A young woman > > >called > > > > in who was feeling so guilty because she has a wonderful > boyfriend > > >and > > > > her mother is so unlucky and unhappy. Dr. pointed out > that > > >her > > > > mother is NOT unlucky....that she is making choices which keep > her > > >in > > > > power by being totally unhappy. It keeps everyone at her beck > and > > > > call. The caller really didn't want to face the fact that her > > > > mother's unhappiness was her own choice. But by the end of the > > > > conversation, I think she was beginning to see. This thing of > > >being a > > > > victim to keep power and make everyone else feel responsible > for > > >you > > > > is a real thing. Dr. cautioned the caller that if she > > >continued > > > > to feel guilty about being happy herself she would turn into > her > > > > mother. So right on!!!!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to be > happy > > > > whatever it takes. Dee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON > > >THE GROUP. > > > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35- > SHELL > > >() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the > > >Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline > Parent, " (Roth) > > >which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > >From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > author SWOE > > >and the SWOE Workbook. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2006 Report Share Posted August 17, 2006 >Let's all stand together in these standoffs and give each other strength. *******We're all on our feet standing shoulder to shoulder with you. You go girl! Dee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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