Guest guest Posted July 1, 2006 Report Share Posted July 1, 2006 Hi Annie and welcome to the board. My mother is also very high functioning and undiagnosed except by me. The self-doubt isn't easy to shed, but it can be done. I know you will find support here. It's awful to feel responsible for a parent's unhappiness. I review and have memorized the three C's from Stop Walking On Eggshells. I didn't Cause her problems, I can't Cure her, and I can't Change her. Finally getting full understanding and believing these things has helped me so much. Again, welcome and keep posting. Dee - In WTOAdultChildren1 , " wisdom_to_know_the_difference " wrote: > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2006 Report Share Posted July 1, 2006 Hi Annie, Welcome to this group. I can't imagine being in your situation. Your mother knows so much about BPD - but doesn't recognize it in herself. (Well, none of them seem to recognize it, but not too many are as knowledgeable as yours.) My mother is a hermit/waif, and although she isn't high functioning, because of the hermit/waif tendencies, she flies under the radar. You have to unlearn alot that your mother taught you, as she taught you to meet her needs and not how to care for yourself. It is difficult many times, but the rewards of being free from the control of a BPD is well worth it. You will get the support you need at this site. Take care, Sylvia > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2006 Report Share Posted July 1, 2006 Annie, Welcome to the group. Sorry you qualify, but this is a great place for support. Many people can identify with your experiences, thoughts, feelings, situation, and family dynamics. Most other people don’t understand or believe about dealing with someone with BPD. I and many other people do believe you. You’re not alone. Keep posting. Keep coming back. One Non-BP Recovering Man --- gmat60 wrote: > Hi Annie and welcome to the board. My mother is also very high > functioning and undiagnosed except by me. The self-doubt isn't easy > to shed, but it can be done. I know you will find support here. It's > awful to feel responsible for a parent's unhappiness. I review and > have memorized the three C's from Stop Walking On Eggshells. I didn't > Cause her problems, I can't Cure her, and I can't Change her. Finally > getting full understanding and believing these things has helped me so > much. > > Again, welcome and keep posting. Dee > > > - In WTOAdultChildren1 , > " wisdom_to_know_the_difference " > wrote: > > > > Hello, > > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > > this struggle and that there is hope. > > -Annie > > > > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2006 Report Share Posted July 1, 2006 Hi Annie and welcome, My nada (our term here for " not a mother " ) started a church group for abused and battered women. One of their primary goals was to learn how to set better boundaries. She practically memorized the book " Boundaries " , which was horribly ironic because in our family *she* was the one violating everyone *else's* boundaries. She was also the sole abuser in our family. I know what you mean about feeling isolated when everyone else thinks your mother is just wonderful. Take heart - lots of us know what a high-functioning BPD looks like, and you are definitely not alone! > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2006 Report Share Posted July 1, 2006 Welcome Annie. It is unfortunate we are all here, but we have each other to support us and understand what hell really is. i often have to remind myself of the different levels of personality disorders. My family members with Bpd are all dependent sponges. My nada past away last August, and although I love my mother I don't miss her at all. life without her is so free and alive. > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 You are not alone. That is one phase I have never been able to say " you are so lucky to have a mother like her. " Except I can say it about my grandmother I feel very luck to have her. Because unless you truly know the person well it can slice the heart of a child to hear that. My friend's neighbors and kids from school said that to me all the time. It made me cringe. I always thought if you only knew. I think best friend caught a glimpse once when my mom shouted get down on your hands and scrub that floor. She was in such a rage she couldn't see that my friend wasn't me. Then when she started to calm down she saw my friend scrubbing the floor and yelled " where is Lizzy I told her to scrub the floor why are you doing it.? " My friend said " no Lizzy is dusting like you said you told me to scrub the floor. " She would have had me cloned 4 times over to work for her if it were possible. She still brags about that story to this day and how she had my friend working. So that's why I know things are not always what they seem! I understand. Lizzy WTOAdultChildren1 , " wisdom_to_know_the_difference " wrote: > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Annie, you already know that 'mentally ill people flock toward the field of psychology like lemmings to the sea'. That is a real quote circa Psych 101, although I can't remember anymore who said it. Enmeshment is enmeshment, by any definition. If your mother is trying to run your life, and you can actually realize that ... then you are healthier than you think. Good for you baby, you are on the right path. Sister hugs, Carol In a message dated 7/1/2006 10:52:24 AM Eastern Daylight Time, wisdom_to_know_the_difference@... writes: Hello, I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and all the other things she has called me for years because I have been focusing more and more on myself and my life. Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle and that there is hope. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2006 Report Share Posted July 3, 2006 > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a Hi, my nada was undx'd for many years so I know your frustration. > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been my nada has always been able to put on the face and others think she is the best thing since sliced bread. It still drives me crazy when I hear " You are so lucky to have a mother like her " . > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools I lived at two residences in my childhood yet I stopped counting the number of schools I attended. I do know how frustrating this is. I wonder if nada did not want me to make any long term friendships, which she was jealous of, or if she had me leave when the school realized what a nut she was. > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her I remember when I first had that divorcing feeling, it was a year before she moved out and I had remained friends with one of her ex- husbands. > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. I am still just learning how to focus on myself. Many times I get in the fog and I get a weird self-oriented mindset. It is hard for me to get a normal self caring, and to know the difference can be hard. Good for you for recognizing this early on. I wish I had been able to do it. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. Annie, I don't post here a lot because it is still hard to admit things about my nada and my childhood, but the therapy I get simply by reading has helped me so much. I hope you find the same help here. > -Annie > DeeDee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2006 Report Share Posted July 4, 2006 Hello Annie, and welcome! I second what Carol says about BPD's (and others) gravitating to the field of psychology. My nada has said many times that she loved psychology when she took it and had wanted to become a therapist to figure out what whas wrong in her family (blah, blah, blah). She chose to become a teacher instead-- no less frightening. Still, I cannot immagine how difficult it must be going through your life with a BPD/psychologist parent. I mean, my mom used to think she knew what I was thinking because she'd been a teacher and had experience with kids (and because she seems to enjoy projecting stuff onto her children). A psychologist parent would have LOTS of amunition; I don't even want to think about it. Also, high-functioning parents are really hard to deal with. My mom is somewhat high-functioning and isn't really around most people enough for them to see her in action so it's very difficult for me sometimes too. Well, I hope you'll keep posting. I find this board really helps me keep my grip on reality when it comes to my family. Trish > > > Annie, you already know that 'mentally ill people flock toward the field of > psychology like lemmings to the sea'. That is a real quote circa Psych 101, > although I can't remember anymore who said it. > > Enmeshment is enmeshment, by any definition. If your mother is trying to > run your life, and you can actually realize that ... then you are healthier > than you think. Good for you baby, you are on the right path. Sister hugs, > Carol > > > > > In a message dated 7/1/2006 10:52:24 AM Eastern Daylight Time, > wisdom_to_know_the_difference@... writes: > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2006 Report Share Posted July 15, 2006 > > Hello, > I am new to the group and have read some of the recent postings. My > mother is a very high functioning BPD (undiagnosed). She is a > psychologist and has even worked in a borderline clinic running > groups and she has writting self help and parenting books. > This makes my situation all the more isolating as people think and > say how wonderful it must be having her as a mother. I have been > through the ringer with her time and again...from switching schools > a dozen times growing up, to cradling her as she cried in my lap > when I was in elementary school, to watching boyfriends and husbands > come and go and having her needs always come before my own to the > point where I felt like I was divorcing her and leaving her as her > prior husband had when I moved out at 22(and of course she let me > know I was just that). I have felt guilty and selfish and cold and > all the other things she has called me for years because I have been > focusing more and more on myself and my life. > Now I am a mother myself and my boundaries have become even more > clear with her to protect my son. She is not reacting well. I am > trying so hard to not let the despair that is my relationship with > my mother eat up and distract from all of the good that is inmy > life...like my son...like my husband...like my 18 year old sister > who is struggling through this too. But it is so hard. > And that is why I wanted to post here. to say thank you to everyone > for just being there...it is nice to know that I am not alone in > this struggle and that there is hope. > -Annie > Annie, WOW!! Hell, I though I had it bad! Having a nada who's a psychologist must be terrifying!! Talk about denial!! I thought MINE was bad, but I'd say yours is definitely to the Nth degree. I mean, what better mask to wear than what you just described? Norma(my so called mother and abuser - I can't bring myself to call her my mom) has the act down to a science! She has eveyone convinced that I'M the one who's crazy. Strangely enough, I find it amusing. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who buys into her act and believes what she says about me never loved me in the first place, so I haven't lost anything. The people who love me know what's true and what isn't. Nothing else matters. Norma is also high functioning and undiagnosed. She is so convincing it's scary! I no longer have anything to do with her. I'm sure to most people that's wrong, but I know what I'm doing and I have no regrets about it. Besides, it's her choice not mine. I tried everything I could to help her and she spit in my face, hypothetically speaking. I should post the 'Monkey Man' story.....it puts everything into perspective. I had to respond to your post because your mom and Norma are so much alike it's creepy!! Except for the crying in your lap part....Norma spent all her nights with different men almost every night and the accused ME of being a whore. Go figure..... I'd like to talk with you more about this. I think we could help each other seeing as how there are so many similarities in our situations. Take Care! Emmett's Egret Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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