Guest guest Posted April 24, 2006 Report Share Posted April 24, 2006 My nada seems bent on undermining our contact with my father's side of the family too. She makes family gatherings miserable and explosive and smears aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents when they are not around. My therapist pointed out to me that my nada brokers my relationship with my father and keeps me away from him when she's unhappy with me. . .but I'm realizing that it goes farther than that. At this point, she is the one who decides when my father, my brothers and I see the extended family and in what context. We never see them w/o her and when one of us is in on the outs with my mom, we are no longer in contact with the rest of the family and she smears us. Over the years, this has meant that the healthy relationships I've seen my husband have with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. are completely nonexistant for me. I've been trying to think of what I could do about this situation. I've been wondering if I should try to reach out now to family that I've been distant from and try to form bonds more directly. I've been wondering if I should contact my mother's sister who I was close with when I was a child--I'm curious to see if they're all as bad as my mom says they are. But then again, when I followed my T's advice to be more proactive about my relationship with my dad and not let my nada control it, it created a complete sh*tstorm. And my dad did nothing to help me. . .so it was a very decisive defeat. On my last visit to my T, he suggested creating an outside support group--beyond my FOO. __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 24, 2006 Report Share Posted April 24, 2006 We'll be glad to be your outside support group! KOs definitely need it. I'm sorry it did not go so well w/your father and your therapist's advice. I take it your parents are divorced? I've often thought of looking up old family and contacting them just to see how they are in reality. I've done that w/one great aunt after her sister, another great aunt whom I was super close to died. And that was nice. I've got two half aunts and a mess of cousins I've never met and never knew anything about until i was 23 and I think I will leave that can of worms closed. That family is messed up and the more I know, the less i want to know. I feel that way about a lot of my family...kind of like I don't want to know anymore. Its a personal call though. I see why you'd want to know though and maybe you could explore it and maybe you'll have a bunch more nadas on your hands? I think sometime its best to play 'worst case scenario' game and then when you are comfortable w/the worst case scenario and decided you can live with it, then do what you feel is best for you for your healing process. I think its great that your dh has a good family. Honestly that's where I look to for my family connection and family roots. I'm the family historian and now kind of on both sides. I know all the stories from nada's side and deceased dad's side and retain all of it as well as the picture keeper of the family, but I'm also learning a lot of stories about dh's family, some he never even knew. I think I will want to pass along the stories of his family that I'm learning and will not share much of mine just b/c stories are legacies we hand down generation to generation. I have no shame or embarrassment and such from the mental illness in my family. I just chose for that part to die off w/the next generation. If they want the truth, they will only have to ask and I will share all when and if they are old enough. But in their childhood formative years, the cool fun stories about childhood and heroism of older generations will be about their father's side of the family and I know plenty of those stories to help pass along to paint their childhood. Plus they love dh's parents and I do too. I am blessed to have such a wonderful family and they are more my family in so many ways than the family I was born into (though I am close to my aunt and a few cousins that are blood relatives). Kerrie > > > My nada seems bent on undermining our contact with my > father's side of > the family too. She makes family gatherings miserable > and explosive > and smears aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents > when they are not > around. My therapist pointed out to me that my nada > brokers my > relationship with my father and keeps me away from him > when she's > unhappy with me. . .but I'm realizing that it goes > farther than that. > At this point, she is the one who decides when my > father, my brothers > and I see the extended family and in what context. We > never see them > w/o her and when one of us is in on the outs with my > mom, we are no > longer in contact with the rest of the family and she > smears us. Over > the years, this has meant that the healthy > relationships I've seen my > husband have with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, > cousins etc. are > completely nonexistant for me. > > I've been trying to think of what I could do about > this situation. > I've been wondering if I should try to reach out now > to family that > I've been distant from and try to form bonds more > directly. I've been > wondering if I should contact my mother's sister who I > was close with > when I was a child--I'm curious to see if they're all > as bad as my mom > says they are. But then again, when I followed my T's > advice to be > more proactive about my relationship with my dad and > not let my nada > control it, it created a complete sh*tstorm. And my > dad did nothing > to help me. . .so it was a very decisive defeat. On > my last visit to > my T, he suggested creating an outside support > group--beyond my FOO. > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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