a rencent conversation with nada...someone please explain this to me

[Guest guest]

Yikes...i apologize for this being so long... I am going to try to keep this

as simple and short as possible...so please bear with me...I want to give

you a cast of players here, so you will know who is who besides nada. and

fad who are both BPD...(plus fad has other issues...manic depressive,

bi-polor...and ..umm...is jackass a disease?) On top of the traits that

come with BPD...my mother is also very racist, and a major bigot. If I ever

want to really get her riled up all I have to do is bring up the topic of

homosexuality....and she LOSES her mind. Someone had mentioned how the BPD

usually has a sexual aversion...this was a light bulb moment for me..

because my mother is the WORST. She can even say the word sex....she will

only mouth the letters...and more often than not she holds her hand over her

mouth when she does it. As far as my fada goes....ever see the old

televison shows with Joe Friday? " Just the facts ma'am " .(I'm pretty sure it

was the show Dragnet)...well take that attitude and cross it with Archie

Bunker...only the facts that HE believes are true...he gets annoyed when

ANYONE attempts to tell him anything...He incites arguments constantly, and

totally sucks the fun out every happy occasion...EVER. I remember when my

daughter was 3 years old...we went to the house because she wanted to show

off a trophy she won. He snatched it out of hands and said " let me see

that!! you are happy over this?? big deal...it's plastic, and it doesn't

mean anything...you're pathetic! " Yep....it was the first step into

counseling for all of us after that.

Me...my hubby (who is loving, supportive, open-minded....but WAY too over

analytical...when we first got married...he spent probably about 200 hours

reading books about how to grill a hamburger....the origin of the hamburger.

..how it got started...what color underwear did the many who NAMED the

hamburger wear on a daily basis?? WHO CARES!!! It's a very nifty cover for

being a procrasitanor....lol)...my daughters....one is a 15 year old who is

at least, ADHD...another 13year old...i call her the wise old owl. She

listens, listens, listens....but it is like pulling teeth to get her to tell

us what is on her mind. She has become my brother's after hours counselor

(Her choice...not mine...I'm not happy about it) My brother...oh boy...

here we go...my brother...my brother is really my mother's primary target.

To listen to her tell it, She says that she didn't became pregnant with him

until she was 40...and didn't have him until she was almost 45...well he is

27, and she is 64...so y'all can do the math there. We live across the

street BECAUSE of my brother. I want him to snap out of this " princess "

routine and become a man so that we can ALL move on. I know what it is like

being in that house, with no help....and as his sister I can't just leave

him there. On top of it all, he has some MAJOR, major drug problems. (I

don't agree with it...but understand the need to escape the madness) Ok...

so let me go back a little ways to maybe draw a map as to how I think it all

started. On one corner, lived my grandparents...my mom's parents. After

leaving home and hating California, my parents moved back to land and

bought land and built a house across the street from my grandparents. Then

they adopted me. When I was 9 my mother found out she was pregnant....i

have never seen a woman so distressed in all her life...it was like she was

given 6 weeks to live. She would refuse to be seen in public, wearing a

long heavy housecoat the entire time, she put herself in total reclusion.

My grandmother had to get me up and put me on the bus many of those days

because she didn't want to be seen, The curtains got pulled, that way none

of the neighbors would even get a SLIGHT glance of her. (What would the

neighbors thing....number one on my mother's priority list) All the BPD

fleas had already bitten me by then...but it seems like it got even worse

when all this happened. The total seclusion thing was a very BRIGHT light

bulb to me...i needed to get out of there as soon as i was physically able..

or I would be sucked into this endless abyss that would never end. I

physically felt my psyche take a turn for the worse...and all the " mayday,

mayday " signals went out. A few years later, when my grandfather died

suddenly....the entire world changed that day. Looking back, I see that my

mother was the apple of my grandfather's eye....my brother, my grandfather's

namesake immediately became my mother's primary target....I adamantly feel

that she has transferred those feelings towards her father to my brother...

who, as mentioned, shares his name. Her doing everything possible to enable

all of the things that keeps him helpless...the drugs...not working...that's

her way of REALLY hanging on to my grandfather...i think she feels that she

was robbed of him....so she is going to hang on to my brother so that he CAN

T leave her. Over the past few years, she has begun targeting my husband...

she is constantly ending comments to him in " you are just like my father " ...

she has even slipped a couple of times, calling him " dad " .Throughout my life

I was, of course never good enough....everything was a " scheme " ....or some

sort of " plan " to take me down. I would never amount to anything...probably

get pregnant and " have to get married. " ....to this day " have to get married "

...that term makes my blood boil. I remember the first day of school....it

was always " do you have a boyfriend yet " ??? My accomplishments to them was

always set in terms of " boyfriends " ....yet by the time I was in middle

school, boy's liking me meant that I was a whore....probably never amount to

much anyway. I was constantly accused of doing drugs or being promiscuous..

i was never either one.....both of those things bit me in the butt later in

life.

Anyway, to the conversation at hand ....my brother is back AGAIN from yet

ANOTHER re-hab (He has probably smoked about 1 pound of weed since getting

back too.) Yesterday, my nada calls for my brother (27 years old...he has

no clue how to look up phone numbers)....she says " your Brother wants to

know if you will take him down to Planet Replay so that he can hang out with

his friend. " (His friend is the only employee there right now, they are

closing the store...my brother can't drive because, in the past 2 months he

has managed to TOTAL 3 vehicles that have been purchased for him)....I said.

.. " ummm...that's Lou, right " ? She says " right " ....I said, " well....of course

i will do HIM that favor...i need to go to the store right next door anyway,

but you know his friend is his dealer right? You know you are enabling him

to do drugs when you do this.....right " ? She said, " oh...i know, i know...

but he just really needs someone to talk to since he found out that that

girl (that girl=his ex-fiance') is " that way " now. " (Side note...my brother

went to his ex's myspace ....on that space she has pictures...and one of

them says " my girlfriend " ....well my mother literally passed out when

she saw it. Her words were " we were so good to that girl...did everything

under the sun for her and now she went and has gone lezzy...i just can't

afford any more...i don't know what we are going to do...we are going to

have to get rid of EVERYTHING!...you know, i said something wasn't right

with her...she was always hugging us and telling us she loved us...i said

then something wasn't right " .....i was going to attempt the difference

between girlfriend...and girl friend....but opted instead to just stick with

my eye roll) I said.... " ok...listen to me, focus...if you are going to send

him down there, he is going to come home totally wasted, cussing and

throwing stuff...he will threaten you, he will threaten dad...and then Chad

and I will be called to come pick up the pieces. Either to calm him down,

or go down to the police department to pick him up...that is how you want

the night to play out?? " She just sat there with this pathetic look on her

face and said, " i know....but this whole thing with her has gotten to him..

he can't take it . " (another side note...my brother has known about this

Friend " for a while...it hasn't effected him at all...SHE is the one that is

mortified) " ...since they are getting ready to re-open the store, and he used

to work there, he has to go help him out plus even the doctor said he HAS to

work. " I said " work? Mom....He isn't working there anymore.! " She says

yes...it's got to be something illegal,(everything is with her) but they are

open there during the week, then they shut down at the end of the week, and

open it back up on Monday morning " I said " wait, wait...so they are already

open?? " She said " no...they aren't open...they are getting ready to re-open "

...I said " so they are re-stocking the shelves?? " she said " no...poor Lou...

they really work him like a dog...he works there by himself having to do it

all...your brother really knows how to pick his friends...they are all such

hard workers. " (he is a freaking drug dealer---and she knows that)...so i

said " so which is it, is it open or getting ready to be re-open " she said

they might be opening it. they sell stuff during the week, then close down

and re-open on Monday...I'm tellin you....something's not quite right " I

said " Well...if Lou is the only one working there, then maybe they are open

Monday-Friday so that he can get his 40 hours....but you would think they

would close on Tuesday and Wednesday...slower days. " She says " nooo...nooo..

..Lou is there every day of the week...they are open on Saturday. " I said

wait...you said that they were open during the week, then close and re-open

on Monday....so they are only closed on Sunday? " ....she said... " nooooo...

noooo....don't you remember having to take your brother to meetings there on

Sunday mornings??? They are open on Sunday...wow...you're losin' it...have

you been drinking? " (The whole time I'm thinking....ummm...nooooo....i wish

i did drink, because then i could beat you over the head with the bottle) I

told her " you said they were only open during the week " . She looks at me

and says " WHAT is wrong with him?? He is even sicker than we thought....is

that what he told you? " I said... " no.....that is what YOU told me " ....she

just looked at me with this look like i was crazy and said " honey, i haven't

said a word about that...i have no idea who is doing what " OK...now on to

this morning....after being led around town by mummy...my brother (nickname,

princess) filled out an application at the department of sanitation. (the

dump).....so my mother is on cloud 9 now because he got a call back for an

interview(can you imagine a mother's pride??? her youngest son slinging

garbage at the local landfill...how proud she must be!! Much better than

her idiot daughter who has a Ph.D. in English, and a Doctor's in Religion

and Metaphysics...how lucky for her that her pride can come out after the

embarrassment of having 2 brilliant, beautiful granddaughters...National

Champion Cheerleaders, with 4.0 grade point averages...the oldest being the

ONLY freshman to make the VARSITY cheerleading team in the schools 100+ year

history, and the youngest winning the schools achievement award and becoming

the only 12 year old SENIOR math and science tutor) ...now mind you.....she

filled out the application and has been calling them every day since (he is

too busy playing video games, attempting to burn MY house down and breaking

my husband's brand new grill)...she calls this morning and tells me that she

got to talking (talking....more like babbling....she tells EVERYONE our

entire life stories) to a pastor at the grocery store today....and he knows

a supervisor at the department of sanitation...he would be happy to put a

good word in for my brother. So my mother calls me and tells me this, and

says " do you think I should call the supervisor to see if this pastor got in

touch with him " ? I told her " No...NO. NO. NO!!!! Stay out of it!! It's his

job, his interview....let him make the decision and the phone call if that

is necessary....STAY OUT OF IT!!!! She says " Well....I'm calling...because

he doesn't know how to talk to people, and he will just mess it all up. "

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I just want to SCREAM!!!!! I have major issues with my

brother....i mean, right now I'm ready to throttle him...between almost

burning my house down....stealing my husbands meds out of our house..

breaking my husband's BRAND NEW grill (we have contacted the police over all

of it...they won't do ANYTHING).....but I made a promise to the court that I

would help him get a job, and be available to help him...as soon as he gets

a job and holds it down 6 months I can move and go No Contact with ALL of

them. I've been watching too many soap operas....I told my hubby yesterday

....how about this....i will fake my own death, and we will move to Australia

.....lol......sometimes i think that is the only way out.....good thing for

me i love my life the way i do....and i do find all the things i am given as

a blessing. I dunno....i don't know now what to shrug off, and what to say

OK....you are going to get help for this. All I can see now is me going

into court and telling them....i want out....i know my word is my bond, but

it is bigger than what i can deal with. I'm just struggling with being able

to live with backing out on everyone...what kind of toll that will take on

ME...if I can live with it. I really could care less about how they see it.

..i know i am going to let them down either way......bottom line...me moving

is signing my brother's death warrent....i mean...he will either commit

suicide, homicide or kill himself in a car crash. Any help i give HIM is

totally underminded by her (nada) by either getting to his doctors and

manipulation them....or by getting to the princess...putting him back to

enabling him to make bad decision that keeps him there. My brother wants

out, but doesn't want to sacrifice anything...he wants to have his cake and

eat it too.....i'm looking at these crossroads...and i'm wondering if it is

worth sacrificing my family (the time away from them...and the time that

THEY have to take by helping me with them) for well....my family. (Broda,

fada, nada)....walking away from the three of them will, inevitabley end up

spilling blood on my hands....but you can't rescue someone who doens't want

to be rescued....even the best swimmer can be taken down by a drowning

victim that is determined to sink to davy jones' locker any thoughts?

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny