a cry for help....

June 11, 2006

A big hello everyone. [=;] U'll have to excuse any rambling on my part

or lack of abbreviations.hopefully i'll catch up with the lingo

eventually.I'm afraid i'm not much of an internet user.I'm unfortunately

a disgrace to my generation... [] Once again my mother has made me do

something which i wouldn't normally want to do...but I'm hoping this

time it's for the best.

I've just completed medical school and am doing a year of clinical

internship.I guess I'm writing this today out of complete lack of how to

cope with how I feel or why I see things so differently from my

friends.This last year has been such a strain on my system,that i feel

like i'm walking on th edge of some cliff and I don't really care if i

fall or not.

It's was hard enough dealing with my final year but dealing with that

plus living at home with my BPD mother was somewhere near a living

nightmare.

I've really always known that my mom was different...at some points i

would have labelled it as bipolar or manic-depressive...So it really

didn't come as a shock to me when my father told me that their

psychologist vaguely pinned my mother's problem at BPD...I say 'vaguely'

because he apparently didn't really believe in the diagnosis and it took

threats from my father (saying that he was going to take her to a

psychiatrist) for him to even metion the idea.What did surprise me

though was the fact that my father was so shaken by the whole

thing....and all that did was make me ANGRY [X-(] . Angry for all the

years my sister and I told him there was something wrong with her and he

wrote it off as a " mother-daughter " thing until she finally drove him so

far that they needed councelling.

My mother has blamed me for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong in my

life...imagine blaming your teenage daughter for getting acne! blaming

her for not looking as good as the other girls her age.Or worst of all

blaming her for getting sick! I used to hate telling her i had a fever

and when she eventually found out i'd have to listen to her scream at me

while she shoved medicine down my throat...heh..when i think about it

now it's so sad it's almost comical. If it hadn't been for my

unbelievably supportive school friends I don't think i would have made

it through those years.I literally lived in their houses...my mother

wouldn't even notice I was gone till someone called her up and asked her

about me...and then I was in for hours of screaming ,tears and

criticism...Why did i have to be such a difficult daughter? Why couldn't

i be normal?Didn't i care if peoeple thought badly of her? Didn't i

realize how much she's sacrificed for me?Why was i was so selfish? Dog's

were more loyal then i was....It would go on and on... The next day she

would act like none of it had ever happened and I was exaggerating the

whole thing...no one would ever believe that such a sweet,sharing,

docile,beautiful, talented(she's an artist) women like my mother would

act in such a monstrous way...I was obviously making it up like all

children do when they're mad at their mothers...My mother has slapped

me,kicked me,thrown things at me..she's even bitten me...But of course i

MUST have imagined all of that too...lol

I know, I know it's terrible to talk about your own mother like this

and for years i felt gulity...the love-hate feeling is the most

nauseating feeling a person can experience...I hate her and yet I love

her...but after going to medical school my own mind has been spiralling

out of control, and I hate the fact that i just can't seem to handle

things like the other students.I'm fed up.

THAT is why i'm writing this today...I need to know how U all manage

it...I would stop speaking to her but like i said,some part of me still

loves her no matter how much she's hurt me . My father of course needs

me..no matter what he tells me I know he can't handle her on his own. He

is,unfortunately, the most passive person I know.

So this is my pathetic plight..I wish I could tell my sister, but she's

getting married in a few months and she doesn't need the extra

burden....Thank you for listening,i would be more than delighted with

any words of advise u could share.

- Sinthu

June 11, 2006

Oh, my dear you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You

survived her. Now it is time to learn how to leave her and how to

like and love yourself, be happy and live your own life. You will

sometimes fail and sometimes succeed, but that is human and it is

okay either way. You are completely normal in your struggles and

feelings. Of course you love your mother and you always will, you

are capable of love and thank God he gave you the capacity to be

able to feel love towrds others. Your mother unfortunately does not

have the same. BPDs are not capable of love. It is a hard thing to

learn to accept in your heart that the one(s) we loved and that

matter the most to us, can feel the same way back. It is sad but

reality. Are you see a theropist that specializes in personality

disorders? You should, it will help you become okay. You will always

have scars, but you can and will find peace and happiness one day.

It takes alot of time and hard work. 1st find that theropist and

than maybe move away and limit contact. You can't fix or save

anybody, including your father. You must let him walk his own path

in life. It is his journey and you have yours. Good or bad, if you

don't let someone walk their own path, you make them less of a

person and take the respect of being human away from them. You will

feel guilt, but you will learn to live with guilt and disappointment

of others once you learn how to love yourself and take care of

yourself. I PROMISE YOU THAT. This is the life you were given and it

is your job to make that most of yourself and make yourself happy.

You got 1 shot at it kid, take it. You have been a good kid and you

owe them nothing. They owed you everything the day they brought you

into this world.

You love them and always will, and that is okay. You will get angry

and hate what they may do or say. That is human. Hating what someone

does or says doesn't mean you hate them. No one gave your what you

really needed out of life and that is sad. Here is another sad

thing, you must grieve-you will never get the love from any person

on this planet that you deserved from your parents. You can't go

back and no man or child will fill that hole on what you lost. They

will love you, but it is not the same. You must learn to give that

love to yourself and a good theropist can show you how.

You said your going to be a doctor? You have been given a great gift

to help heal people. How about learning to heal yourself? Don't you

deserve the same? Maybe one day, far down the road, you will be the

one to save a child from a mother like yours. Your worth loving,

always remember that.

Have Faith and Pray-

He does listen.

>

> A big hello everyone. [=;] U'll have to excuse any rambling on my

part

> or lack of abbreviations.hopefully i'll catch up with the lingo

> eventually.I'm afraid i'm not much of an internet user.I'm

unfortunately

> a disgrace to my generation... [] Once again my mother has made

me do

> something which i wouldn't normally want to do...but I'm hoping

this

> time it's for the best.

> I've just completed medical school and am doing a year of

clinical

> internship.I guess I'm writing this today out of complete lack of

how to

> cope with how I feel or why I see things so differently from my

> friends.This last year has been such a strain on my system,that i

feel

> like i'm walking on th edge of some cliff and I don't really care

if i

> fall or not.

> It's was hard enough dealing with my final year but dealing

with that

> plus living at home with my BPD mother was somewhere near a living

> nightmare.

> I've really always known that my mom was different...at some

points i

> would have labelled it as bipolar or manic-depressive...So it

really

> didn't come as a shock to me when my father told me that their

> psychologist vaguely pinned my mother's problem at BPD...I

say 'vaguely'

> because he apparently didn't really believe in the diagnosis and

it took

> threats from my father (saying that he was going to take her to a

> psychiatrist) for him to even metion the idea.What did surprise me

> though was the fact that my father was so shaken by the whole

> thing....and all that did was make me ANGRY [X-(] . Angry for all

the

> years my sister and I told him there was something wrong with her

and he

> wrote it off as a " mother-daughter " thing until she finally drove

him so

> far that they needed councelling.

> My mother has blamed me for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong in my

> life...imagine blaming your teenage daughter for getting acne!

blaming

> her for not looking as good as the other girls her age.Or worst of

all

> blaming her for getting sick! I used to hate telling her i had a

fever

> and when she eventually found out i'd have to listen to her scream

at me

> while she shoved medicine down my throat...heh..when i think about

it

> now it's so sad it's almost comical. If it hadn't been for my

> unbelievably supportive school friends I don't think i would have

made

> it through those years.I literally lived in their houses...my

mother

> wouldn't even notice I was gone till someone called her up and

asked her

> about me...and then I was in for hours of screaming ,tears and

> criticism...Why did i have to be such a difficult daughter? Why

couldn't

> i be normal?Didn't i care if peoeple thought badly of her? Didn't i

> realize how much she's sacrificed for me?Why was i was so selfish?

Dog's

> were more loyal then i was....It would go on and on... The next

day she

> would act like none of it had ever happened and I was exaggerating

the

> whole thing...no one would ever believe that such a sweet,sharing,

> docile,beautiful, talented(she's an artist) women like my mother

would

> act in such a monstrous way...I was obviously making it up like all

> children do when they're mad at their mothers...My mother has

slapped

> me,kicked me,thrown things at me..she's even bitten me...But of

course i

> MUST have imagined all of that too...lol

> I know, I know it's terrible to talk about your own mother like

this

> and for years i felt gulity...the love-hate feeling is the most

> nauseating feeling a person can experience...I hate her and yet I

love

> her...but after going to medical school my own mind has been

spiralling

> out of control, and I hate the fact that i just can't seem to

handle

> things like the other students.I'm fed up.

> THAT is why i'm writing this today...I need to know how U all

manage

> it...I would stop speaking to her but like i said,some part of me

still

> loves her no matter how much she's hurt me . My father of course

needs

> me..no matter what he tells me I know he can't handle her on his

own. He

> is,unfortunately, the most passive person I know.

> So this is my pathetic plight..I wish I could tell my sister,

but she's

> getting married in a few months and she doesn't need the extra

> burden....Thank you for listening,i would be more than delighted

with

> any words of advise u could share.

>

> - Sinthu

>

June 11, 2006

Sinthu, living at home AND completing residency!?!?!?! you must be

made of steel! I know that whenever I have to go through something

particularly difficult or stressful, I always try to do it as far away

from my family(and BPD mom) as possible. BP's really know how to make

high-stress situations worse.

The best thing I ever did for myself was move FAR AWAY--24 hour's

drive when I was 18. I have lived away for 10 years now. But even

getting out of the house to have your own space will help you get

perspective.

Also, I went to therapy for about a year which was tremendously

helpfull. I can remember feeling the way you seem to--about being

randomly yelled at and screamed at and being accused of awful things

and then having my mom turn around a day or an hour later and

" forgetting " the whole thing or just acting like it didn't happen.

Like yours, my dad is also passive--it is so maddening. Once he even

said he was sorry about the way he let her treat us--but has never

done anything to help my brothers and me.

Reading the posts on this board helps a lot too because it gives you

the sense that you are not insane and it gives you confidence in your

interpretations of the situation.

After a lot of work, I've learned to sheild myself from my family and

take care of myself during hard times. I've learned that my mom's

rages show there is something wrong with HER, not me. I've also

learned that I can refuse to accept abusive treatment and can protect

myself from it--and I've gotten rid of a whole slough of physical and

psychological problems that were making it hard to work and live

effectively. So, knowing about BP and wanting to do something about

how it affects your life is a really important step towards helping

yourself. No need to give up. It gets better if you work at it.

Trish

June 12, 2006

Sinthu,

You are welcome here. I and many others feel safe, accepted and

understood here. There is a lot of experience, strength, hope, clarity,

support, and wisdom here.

Your writing and way of expressing yourself is, to me, exceptionally

eloquent, clear, intelligent and insightful. I think you have a big head

start on getting where you want to go in dealing with this situation.

EVERY incident you described, I believe. EVERY conclusion you’ve made, I

think is accurate and smart. EVERY feeling you have, I and MANY others

understand because we’ve been there. You might be amazed at how similar

many of your experiences, perceptions, thoughts and feelings are to mine

and many, many other people. You’ll see that others also can help provide

clarity and support. You’re not alone.

I believe you. I believe everything you said. I believe that you have

experienced these things. I believe that you are not crazy. I believe

that you are sane. I believe that you are telling the truth. I believe

that you are observing, perceiving and evaluating things accurately. I

believe that your conclusions are logical and valid. I believe that you

are right. I believe that you are doing the right things. I believe that

your feelings are real, natural, and deserve validation and protection. I

believe that you deserve love, peace, prosperity and serenity. I believe

that you are loved, lovable and loving. I believe that you will get more

and more of these things. I believe that you will continue to believe. I

believe in you.

The dangers to a non-BP, physically, emotionally, mentally and

spiritually, are real. Do whatever you need to do to take care of

yourself with the BP(s) in your life, as if this person, whether a parent,

sibling, or whatever, was a stalking, dangerous stranger. I have a mother

(nada) like yours, and so do many other people. I’ve also got a sibling

who seems even more interested than my nada in causing me harm.

I learned that much of my journey had to be solo and that I needed to be

very cautious about with whom I shared it. There are a small number of

people who understand and are willing to share some of their experience,

strength and hope about dealing with BP’s. Some of them are here in this

group.

It’s helpful for me to remember that I didn’t cause a BPs illness, I can’t

control it, and I can’t cure it. I am not responsible for any other

adult’s life. They are responsible for their own lives. The more I give

my power away, especially to people for whom there is no end to their

taking from me, the weaker I make myself. This doesn’t mean that I’m

overly selfish or that I’m not a helpful person. I help many people.

First, I have to help and save myself before I can help anyone else.

Then, I may have strength to help others, if I choose to.

All the work you’ve done for yourself, I can relate to. For me, much of

it laid the groundwork for my BPD research and increasing knowledge as a

non-BP. I haven’t had the life I thought I’d lead. However, gradually,

I’m getting over the shock of comprehending the impact of others’ BPD on

my life and accepting it while I continue to move forward. You will, too.

You’ll be okay. Keep posting. Keep coming back.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- tlblack2006 wrote:

> Sinthu, living at home AND completing residency!?!?!?! you must be

> made of steel! I know that whenever I have to go through something

> particularly difficult or stressful, I always try to do it as far away

> from my family(and BPD mom) as possible. BP's really know how to make

> high-stress situations worse.

>

> The best thing I ever did for myself was move FAR AWAY--24 hour's

> drive when I was 18. I have lived away for 10 years now. But even

> getting out of the house to have your own space will help you get

> perspective.

>

> Also, I went to therapy for about a year which was tremendously

> helpfull. I can remember feeling the way you seem to--about being

> randomly yelled at and screamed at and being accused of awful things

> and then having my mom turn around a day or an hour later and

> " forgetting " the whole thing or just acting like it didn't happen.

>

> Like yours, my dad is also passive--it is so maddening. Once he even

> said he was sorry about the way he let her treat us--but has never

> done anything to help my brothers and me.

>

> Reading the posts on this board helps a lot too because it gives you

> the sense that you are not insane and it gives you confidence in your

> interpretations of the situation.

>

> After a lot of work, I've learned to sheild myself from my family and

> take care of myself during hard times. I've learned that my mom's

> rages show there is something wrong with HER, not me. I've also

> learned that I can refuse to accept abusive treatment and can protect

> myself from it--and I've gotten rid of a whole slough of physical and

> psychological problems that were making it hard to work and live

> effectively. So, knowing about BP and wanting to do something about

> how it affects your life is a really important step towards helping

> yourself. No need to give up. It gets better if you work at it.

>

> Trish

>

__________________________________________________

June 12, 2006

Getting through professional school is hard enough without all of the

emotional torture you are describing. I went through a similar

situation in law school.

It's hard to differentiate between the powerful pressures of school

and the powerful pressures coming from the BP and/or the one's we put

on ourselves out of habit.

Things get better after school is over. My law-school grad girl

friends and I used to say it took a good two years to get back to

normal. You'll get a stride professionally and learn to manage.

The nada(BPmom) stuff is tougher. I'm learning to deal with her in

phases. Back in law school I was in therapy. That's where I learned

I'd been abused. I didn't think the things she did to me were

abuse...until the therapist asked me what I'd call them if my best

friends mom did those things to her...BINGO...lightbulb...and I was

pissed.

But I didn't know about BPD. The lightbulb on that has just gone off

recently.

I think the best things I've done to help myself include 1. learning

about BPD. That helps me not feel guilty and realize it's her and

not me. 2. taking steps to open up to the idea of taking care of

myself no matter what and figuring out what that looks like. 3.

Boundaries...I've decided to not let myself take her abuse any more.

It is very uncomfortable, but offers me hope that there's a way out

of this cycle. 4. This group helps a lot. It provides a place to

vent and affirms that I'm not alone.

Hang in there. I hope you can get out of her house soon.

>

> A big hello everyone. [=;] U'll have to excuse any rambling on my

part

> or lack of abbreviations.hopefully i'll catch up with the lingo

> eventually.I'm afraid i'm not much of an internet user.I'm

unfortunately

> a disgrace to my generation... [] Once again my mother has made

me do

> something which i wouldn't normally want to do...but I'm hoping this

> time it's for the best.

> I've just completed medical school and am doing a year of

clinical

> internship.I guess I'm writing this today out of complete lack of

how to

> cope with how I feel or why I see things so differently from my

> friends.This last year has been such a strain on my system,that i

feel

> like i'm walking on th edge of some cliff and I don't really care

if i

> fall or not.

> It's was hard enough dealing with my final year but dealing with

that

> plus living at home with my BPD mother was somewhere near a living

> nightmare.

> I've really always known that my mom was different...at some

points i

> would have labelled it as bipolar or manic-depressive...So it really

> didn't come as a shock to me when my father told me that their

> psychologist vaguely pinned my mother's problem at BPD...I

say 'vaguely'

> because he apparently didn't really believe in the diagnosis and it

took

> threats from my father (saying that he was going to take her to a

> psychiatrist) for him to even metion the idea.What did surprise me

> though was the fact that my father was so shaken by the whole

> thing....and all that did was make me ANGRY [X-(] . Angry for all

the

> years my sister and I told him there was something wrong with her

and he

> wrote it off as a " mother-daughter " thing until she finally drove

him so

> far that they needed councelling.

> My mother has blamed me for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong in my

> life...imagine blaming your teenage daughter for getting acne!

blaming

> her for not looking as good as the other girls her age.Or worst of

all

> blaming her for getting sick! I used to hate telling her i had a

fever

> and when she eventually found out i'd have to listen to her scream

at me

> while she shoved medicine down my throat...heh..when i think about

it

> now it's so sad it's almost comical. If it hadn't been for my

> unbelievably supportive school friends I don't think i would have

made

> it through those years.I literally lived in their houses...my mother

> wouldn't even notice I was gone till someone called her up and

asked her

> about me...and then I was in for hours of screaming ,tears and

> criticism...Why did i have to be such a difficult daughter? Why

couldn't

> i be normal?Didn't i care if peoeple thought badly of her? Didn't i

> realize how much she's sacrificed for me?Why was i was so selfish?

Dog's

> were more loyal then i was....It would go on and on... The next day

she

> would act like none of it had ever happened and I was exaggerating

the

> whole thing...no one would ever believe that such a sweet,sharing,

> docile,beautiful, talented(she's an artist) women like my mother

would

> act in such a monstrous way...I was obviously making it up like all

> children do when they're mad at their mothers...My mother has

slapped

> me,kicked me,thrown things at me..she's even bitten me...But of

course i

> MUST have imagined all of that too...lol

> I know, I know it's terrible to talk about your own mother like

this

> and for years i felt gulity...the love-hate feeling is the most

> nauseating feeling a person can experience...I hate her and yet I

love

> her...but after going to medical school my own mind has been

spiralling

> out of control, and I hate the fact that i just can't seem to handle

> things like the other students.I'm fed up.

> THAT is why i'm writing this today...I need to know how U all manage

> it...I would stop speaking to her but like i said,some part of me

still

> loves her no matter how much she's hurt me . My father of course

needs

> me..no matter what he tells me I know he can't handle her on his

own. He

> is,unfortunately, the most passive person I know.

> So this is my pathetic plight..I wish I could tell my sister, but

she's

> getting married in a few months and she doesn't need the extra

> burden....Thank you for listening,i would be more than delighted

with

> any words of advise u could share.

>

> - Sinthu

>

June 12, 2006

Sinthu,

I wish I could add to all of the things that have already been said...but

everyone who has posted has already said all of the things I was going to

tell you. So instead of repeating it all, I just want you to re-read all of

those things and add my name to the bottom. Everything that everyone has

contributed rings so true. If you don't take anything else away, remember

this...remember that we do believe you...we believe all of it...and we know

that it runs even deeper than the few things we know....that the few things

you have mentioned doesn't even scratch the surface. How do we know?

Because, sadly....we have lived it too. We are here for you, we do believe

in you....but most importantly we care. How ironic and wonderful...that we,

scattered all over the world can and will give you the support you need. We

can't physically heal the pain, give you a hug, wipe your tears...but we

would if we could.

The one thing I do want to say to you is thank you. Thank you for giving

others your wisdom, your knowledge and your caring. Choosing to become a

doctor is so admirable....thank you for that. If anyone would have an

excuse to curl up in a ball and live under a rock it's the person dealing

with a family member that is BPD. Thank you for trusting us with your pain,

trusting us to listen and not judge you, and trusting us with your memories.

The things we go through are very personal. Taking such a big leap with

strangers is a very big step for people like us.

Please remember...you deserve to feel whole...and you deserve to be loved.

As a doctor, you will have all sorts of patients...some of them may even

come to you, going through exactly what you are going through. If it helps,

take a long walk, clear you mind and try to imagine how you would counsel

them. I have found that the advice I would give someone I love seems to

always be the exact opposite of what I am doing....why is that?? I think

because on some level, it's because i've been brainwashed that i'm not like

everyone else...i don't deserve the same things. Well, that couldn't be

further from the truth...i am just the same as everyone else, and i deserve

to be happy too. So I just ask myself.....if my daughter came to me, and

told me that she was feeling the things i am feeling...what would i tell her

to do? Without fail, the answers always surprises me.

Lastly, please remember that in each case there may very well not be a

perfect " answer or conclusion...sometimes we have to pick the least of many

evils...actually, often times we have to do that. For those who have chosen

that non-contact with a nada or fada is the answer...you will read that it

is a very difficult decision....but a necessary one. I'm not saying that is

what you need to do...just an example to show you that most of the decisions

we make to help us cope is not the fairy tale happy ending we would like.

Like everyone has said...stick with us...come back often...post if it helps.

...read if it helps...but never, ever give up on YOU...I can promise you that

we won't. We believe you....and we believe IN you. Hold your head up and be

proud of yourself. You can do it, and by posting what you have you have

already taken a first step toward healing.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Re: Re: a cry for help....