A Nada AND a Disfunctional Dad?

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Does anyone here feel like both of their parents have major

personality disorders? I know I've posted about this before, but I

guess some days I'm caught between being completely amazed that I'm

not some raving lunatic, and feeling completely alone without the

benefit of even one stable parent.

A few weeks ago I overheard my dad telling his new girlfriend: " I know

how my kids feel about me and the things I do. I just don't care. "

Which I know is true, I've just never heard him say it before.

Then yesterday his girlfriend confessed her confusion to me about some

of the things he's been doing. For instance, he tells her how much he

loves kids and that he always loved being a dad (he even tells her

stories of my childhood that just aren't true, to make himself look

like a good dad... my memories of him are that he just wasn't around

very much, and when he was, he largely ignored us). But when her

grandkids recently came for a visit, he suddenly disappeared for two

days. He told my husband that he had to " escape " the family thing, and

so he made plans to attend five baseball games in two days.

I think it's sad that he's being dishonest with his girlfriend, but it

doesn't surprise me. I also think it's sad because I actually LIKE

her, and I doubt she'll stick around very long with the way he's

acting.

I guess I'm disappointed. I thought that maybe, given the chance at a

happy/functional relationship, that my dad would go in that direction.

I also thought that once he was in a happy relationship, maybe he'd be

better/more attentive to his own kids. But I guess he's just as bad as

nada, only in a different way.

Any kindred spirits out there?

Thanks,

[Guest guest]

, yup! It took me longer to realize my dad's issues, but he

certainly has them too. He's not exactly like your dad, but he seems

to just screw up over and over again. I used to feel sorry for him,

but now I've just got this feeling he brings it all upon himself.

The biggest thing I hold against my dad is his allowing my nada to

treat us the way she did. He actually said to me when I was in high

school, " I wish I hadn't let her talk to you guys that way. " I still

wish someone would have said something--my dad, being the other adult

would be the logical person. . .oh well.

I think that if he were ever to get a divorce from my nada, it's

possible he'd just find the same kind of woman to make him as

miserable as he already is. My youngest brother is the same way.

You are not alone! But it is frustrating and I remember when I

started realizing all this about my dad. I went through a lot of

grieving and also a pretty serious fear about being on my own. My dad

didn't feel like a realy parent very often when I was younger. It was

scary.

Trish

>

> Hi All,

>

> Does anyone here feel like both of their parents have major

> personality disorders? I know I've posted about this before, but I

> guess some days I'm caught between being completely amazed that I'm

> not some raving lunatic, and feeling completely alone without the

> benefit of even one stable parent.

>

> A few weeks ago I overheard my dad telling his new girlfriend: " I know

> how my kids feel about me and the things I do. I just don't care. "

> Which I know is true, I've just never heard him say it before.

>

> Then yesterday his girlfriend confessed her confusion to me about some

> of the things he's been doing. For instance, he tells her how much he

> loves kids and that he always loved being a dad (he even tells her

> stories of my childhood that just aren't true, to make himself look

> like a good dad... my memories of him are that he just wasn't around

> very much, and when he was, he largely ignored us). But when her

> grandkids recently came for a visit, he suddenly disappeared for two

> days. He told my husband that he had to " escape " the family thing, and

> so he made plans to attend five baseball games in two days.

>

> I think it's sad that he's being dishonest with his girlfriend, but it

> doesn't surprise me. I also think it's sad because I actually LIKE

> her, and I doubt she'll stick around very long with the way he's

> acting.

>

> I guess I'm disappointed. I thought that maybe, given the chance at a

> happy/functional relationship, that my dad would go in that direction.

> I also thought that once he was in a happy relationship, maybe he'd be

> better/more attentive to his own kids. But I guess he's just as bad as

> nada, only in a different way.

>

> Any kindred spirits out there?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I too feel that both of my parents have personality disorders. My

nada of course being the worst with her bpd! But my pitiful

dad...and I say pitiful because that is how he is perceived alot of

the time by extended family, friends, etc. He is the nicest,

kindest person you would ever hope to meet. He was a very absent

parent while I was growing up. Not physically absent. He was

home...but not involved. I'm not sure how much of that was what he

chose or what Nada demanded. Even if he had tried to take on a

bigger role in the family, she would have thought he wasn't doing it

right and therefore stripped him of his duties.

The problem is that he doesn't behave like a mature male. He can't

make decisions on his own, he doesn't have his own opinions, he has

very few skills other than the trade job he does, and his education

level is extremely low. I'm not sure if most of this behavior was

learned as a result of living with my nada for the past 40 years or

what. I mean she says jump and he says how high? He definately

walks on eggshells daily and it has beaten him down so low. He

doesn't have his own identity...no hobbies, interest, of his own.

He does whatever she wants. He has not stood up to her and never

will. He just continues to take the abuse. Sometimes I just want

to say " grow up " .... " be a man " .... " you don't have to take that from

her " but I don't. I think at this point he is too afraid....afraid

of her if he stays and afraid of the unknown if he leaves.

Being an only child only intensifys these issues. I have always

felt as if I have parented my own parents.

Having " kindred spirits " like yourself on this board certainly helps

plug some of the holes I feel I have in my life.

Georgia

>

> Hi All,

>

> Does anyone here feel like both of their parents have major

> personality disorders? I know I've posted about this before, but I

> guess some days I'm caught between being completely amazed that

I'm

> not some raving lunatic, and feeling completely alone without the

> benefit of even one stable parent.

>

> A few weeks ago I overheard my dad telling his new girlfriend: " I

know

> how my kids feel about me and the things I do. I just don't care. "

> Which I know is true, I've just never heard him say it before.

>

> Then yesterday his girlfriend confessed her confusion to me about

some

> of the things he's been doing. For instance, he tells her how much

he

> loves kids and that he always loved being a dad (he even tells her

> stories of my childhood that just aren't true, to make himself

look

> like a good dad... my memories of him are that he just wasn't

around

> very much, and when he was, he largely ignored us). But when her

> grandkids recently came for a visit, he suddenly disappeared for

two

> days. He told my husband that he had to " escape " the family thing,

and

> so he made plans to attend five baseball games in two days.

>

> I think it's sad that he's being dishonest with his girlfriend,

but it

> doesn't surprise me. I also think it's sad because I actually LIKE

> her, and I doubt she'll stick around very long with the way he's

> acting.

>

> I guess I'm disappointed. I thought that maybe, given the chance

at a

> happy/functional relationship, that my dad would go in that

direction.

> I also thought that once he was in a happy relationship, maybe

he'd be

> better/more attentive to his own kids. But I guess he's just as

bad as

> nada, only in a different way.

>

> Any kindred spirits out there?

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Trish and Georgia, for your insights about this. It helps to

know other KOs who've basically raised themselves AND both of their

parents.

One of the struggles I've had quite a bit lately is that I seem to

swing from feeling sorry for my dad - the amount of abuse he took

from nada, plus the fact that he's so screwed up he can't have

a " happy " life even if given the opportunity - to feeling really

angry at him - for allowing nada's abuse, and for adding his own

neglect/disfunction to the whole mess. I can't seem to settle on one

emotion, I'm always swinging between the two.

I find my emotions confusing and hard to process when it comes to

him. Often I notice I end up sort of numb when I'm actually around

him. We have this kind of pseudo-relationship, and I sometimes

wonder why I bother. Sadly I think the answer is that knowing one

parent is better than none at all, so I pretend that it's real. But

honestly I think he lost himself a long time ago.

Both of your posts sounded like you felt bad for your dads, too.

Shouldn't we be angrier at them? They were the other parent,

technically they should have been the ones to see what was going on

and protect us. Or is it just that nada was so volatile that we were

all " in the same boat " , just hanging on and trying to endure?

> >

> > Hi All,

> >

> > Does anyone here feel like both of their parents have major

> > personality disorders? I know I've posted about this before, but

I

> > guess some days I'm caught between being completely amazed that

> I'm

> > not some raving lunatic, and feeling completely alone without

the

> > benefit of even one stable parent.

> >

> > A few weeks ago I overheard my dad telling his new

girlfriend: " I

> know

> > how my kids feel about me and the things I do. I just don't

care. "

> > Which I know is true, I've just never heard him say it before.

> >

> > Then yesterday his girlfriend confessed her confusion to me

about

> some

> > of the things he's been doing. For instance, he tells her how

much

> he

> > loves kids and that he always loved being a dad (he even tells

her

> > stories of my childhood that just aren't true, to make himself

> look

> > like a good dad... my memories of him are that he just wasn't

> around

> > very much, and when he was, he largely ignored us). But when her

> > grandkids recently came for a visit, he suddenly disappeared for

> two

> > days. He told my husband that he had to " escape " the family

thing,

> and

> > so he made plans to attend five baseball games in two days.

> >

> > I think it's sad that he's being dishonest with his girlfriend,

> but it

> > doesn't surprise me. I also think it's sad because I actually

LIKE

> > her, and I doubt she'll stick around very long with the way he's

> > acting.

> >

> > I guess I'm disappointed. I thought that maybe, given the chance

> at a

> > happy/functional relationship, that my dad would go in that

> direction.

> > I also thought that once he was in a happy relationship, maybe

> he'd be

> > better/more attentive to his own kids. But I guess he's just as

> bad as

> > nada, only in a different way.

> >

> > Any kindred spirits out there?

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is what I think about it:

Anyone who realises that they are married to an abusive vulture who

will leech the life out of anyone they come into contact with (and

never even try not to) and even then they stay in the relationship,

has *MAJOR* issues of their own.

[Guest guest]

You know, that's an extremely good point.

>

> This is what I think about it:

> Anyone who realises that they are married to an abusive vulture who

> will leech the life out of anyone they come into contact with (and

> never even try not to) and even then they stay in the relationship,

> has *MAJOR* issues of their own.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, it's nice to see you back. And yeah. . .people like that have

major issues.

>

> This is what I think about it:

> Anyone who realises that they are married to an abusive vulture who

> will leech the life out of anyone they come into contact with (and

> never even try not to) and even then they stay in the relationship,

> has *MAJOR* issues of their own.

>

>

>