a lonely holiday

[Guest guest]

Hi posters,

I'm having a rough go of it today! It's been lasting a few days,

actually. This is how I feel, courtesy of Judith Herman:

'traumitized people feel utterly abandoned, utterly alone, cast out of

the human and divine systems of care and protection that sustain life.'

Most of you, when you choose (wisely) to spend holidays away from

nada, have your own family to spend them with. I don't. And due to

way too much nada time recently, I am nowhere near up for spending

Easter anywhere near her. The problem is, I now live quite far from

any of my friends, and even if I wanted to go and see them, I (a) have

car problems and ( have come down with a flu of some sort. I'm also

sick of it, to be honest. Most of my accessible close friends now

have children. One has an abusive boyfriend she chooses to stay with,

and he violates my boundaries as much as nada. I'm sick of having to

go through what I do just to feel the small sense of connection to the

world.

My inner kids are freaking out. They feel 100% banished and have no

will to even move about. I was not prepared for this sortof back-

swing. I have a good chance at a couple of jobs, and I've really been

doing so well. But too much nada, followed by this illness and Easter

blooming, it's really put me in a backswing. I feel so alone and

despondent. It's so strong that some of my old dissociation patterns

are emerging. And when I dissociate, the 16 year old gets pissed that

we didn't do anything constructive all day, and she scares the others

so much w/her anger, that they hide all the more. Good Lord! I am in

a tremendous amount of discomfort, here.

I guess this is partly the borderline flea of imagining that the whole

world is what's happening right now, and that things will never

change. And that, if you are not immediately surrounding by people

worshipping you (especially a spouse), you don't deserve to exist.

Ugh. I've progressed so that I didn't think I could get this down.

Who was it that posted recently about holidays? They most certainly

DO bite the big one!

Charlie