Dating, Diffusion, Depression, and Me...

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Diffusion, Dating, and Me...

Hello all- I've been a lurker here for a while and am finally posting.

I am very thankful for the " Get Out of Your Mind " book and the work of

various other ACT practicioners. I would like to hear some feedback

from you guys on diffusion, sorry if it's a long post...

I feel like I have come a long way in accepting my emotions,

uncomfortable realities about my life, and living with them. A little

about me: I'm in my mid-30's and male. I have travelled and lived

abroad a lot, stepped outside my comfort zone often, and racked up a

list of accomplishments most people would consider admirable- military

officer, MBA, entrepreneur, etc. Internally, however, I have struggled

with depression throughout my life, would be considered by most to be

" ADD " , and fought mightily against procrastination of life's daily

tasks such as bill paying, etc. In fact, things like my credit rating

have been impacted heavily by struggling with very small tasks, I have

struggled often with insane workloads in the wrong jobs, and have

realized that I haven't taken the time to do the little things that

make life enjoyable. I must admit I've have had few happy times

through this first part of my life.

Discovering ACT has helped me a ton. Before ACT, I have practiced Zen

before but found myself stuck as depressive feelings arose during

meditation. Through individual work and the assistance of a great

therapist, I have finally come to accept some very powerful negative

thoughts which I didn't realize I was fighting. I have managed to

diffuse myself from some very core thoughts and am slowly starting to

move forward in my life valued directions.

But this week, I found myself unable to diffuse from some very

negative moods triggered by someone I am (was?) dating. Overall, this

is someone that I am not that serious about. We've been out several

times over the last few weeks and talk/text often, but I don't really

know if there's enough between us to make something serious.

So Monday, she sort of flaked on me. She was having dinner with a male

friend who apparently is struggling with an ill mother. We had hasty

plans to hang out after but she never called- and I felt creeping

depressive feelings. She pretended as if nothing happened the next

day- simply playing hard to get?...

The reason I elaborate is that, in the scheme of things, this really

shouldn't be that crushing. Honestly, I have a hunch that the friend

was a recent ex and that, well, " things happened " . Then again, it can

be a host of other things.... But, let's face it, given some of the

core life issues that many on this board (including myself) have had

to face- this really shouldn't rate.

But I've been stuck in a garbage mood through the week. I don't think

that abandonment and rejection issues are something that I usually

struggle with. There's no divorce or horrible breakups in my past. Any

advice on diffusing from this? I try to tell myself that this is a

good chance to practice diffusing from such thoughts. In the past,

what has worked well has been to fully feel the negative feelings

throughout my body without fighting it, realize that it can't actually

do harm, and then move forward accepting it. The " Monsters on the Bus "

methaphor also has helped to come to terms with some powerful negative

feelings. But this isn't doing me much good now...

A broader question- what about the whole dating game? Call me cynical

but what most people do during initial dating is really living in the

ego: present an idealized self, act like you don't care, play hard to

get, etc. Yes, I know that many people will say " just be yourself " ,

and I would love to do the same, but I'm sad to say that the above

behaviors likely are what really works. In fact, I have tried to be

highly un-ego driven with the girl above and I don't know what to

think of the results. Is this a game that you just accept that you

need to play (like, say job interviews) or are they something that I

can really do as my values want me to? I've been reading Eckhart

Tolle's most recent book, and I can't help but see presence of the ego

he talks so much about manifested throughout the dating scene...

OK, well sorry that my post is so long- I at least feel a little

better having written my thoughts here...