Pain Diary

[Guest guest]

One of the patterns to emerge from my pain diary is my focus on

excessive ruminations. These are intruding thoughts that take over my

brain, crowd out all other thoughts, produce excessive negative

emotion, and leave me angry and unhappy. They usually involve another

person, someone I don't like, who has power over me or who can

threaten me. Or, it can be a generalized other from a class or group

of people who have undue political or economic influence over me.

Whenever a person, for example someone I know, attempts to exercise

power over me, in my rumination I respond more powerfully, either by

verbal assassination or physical violence which renders my foe

powerless; or, I can get a resentment about day light savings time,

which I hate, and stew about it.

I may have tens (hundreds?) of these ruminations in a day. They may

last a few seconds or several minutes. They may involve the same

person or different people, the same scenario or different scenarios.

They may rehash the past or project the future. Regardless of how

often I repeat a scenario, it has a powerful effect. Repetition does

not weaken it. Ruminations are also tenacious. I may catch myself in

rumination and stop it only to have it restart again almost

immediately. I sometimes think if I did not engage in this activity,

then what would I think about? All sorts of people, places, and

things live in my head rent-free.

I don't think this is clinical obsession. I don't think I have OCD or

OCPD. These ruminations are often resentments. I do believe I have

problems with authority, control, and hierarchy, and I do view myself

often as powerless or as a victim. One way I can live with this

negative and unfavorable evaluation of myself is via " Incredible

Hulk " ruminations. However, to characterize this affliction in this

fashion reduces it to a cliche, and that's demeaning to me. I refuse

to go there.

I rarely actually act out these scenarios. Whenever opportunity

arises, I fail to do so. Of course my mind then tells me that I'm a

wussy. A couple of times when the emotions overwhelmed me and I did

act out, I made a complete fool of myself. Then my mind tells me I'm

a failure. Other times I've gotten a few good licks in, but was left

unsatisfied and indulged in excessive time and energy afterwards

thinking " I should have said " or " I should have done. " In case you

are wondering, no, I haven't done jail time, yet.

Occasionally, when I catch myself in the midst of a mental rant, I

stop it and then try to continue with conscious thought. It doesn't

work. The spontaneous rumination is powerfully charged with emotion.

It's almost like a drug. It's a rush. If I try to construct a

similar scenario purposefully, mindfully, and consciously, there is no

emotional component. Indeed, the whole process is uninteresting,

boring, shameful, even repulsive. I must conclude, therefore, that

the two thought processes--the rumination and the conscious

construction--occur in two different areas of the brain: one area is

more closely associated with emotion, the other thought process more

closely associate with higher reasoning that eschews emotional

aggressiveness and violence.

Now, if I carry this further, what if I take a rant and instead of

consciously continuing the rant, I think of a non-violent, assertive,

constructive alternative using again the prefrontal cortex? For

example, instead of telling someone how disgusting and repulsive I

find him, how ignorant and arrogant she is, or by breaking someone's

nose or slamming his or his head against the wall, I respond that I

find his or her behavior inappropriate and I wish he or she refrain

from it. Not bad, heh?

This constructive path makes me uncomfortable. Into my head rush

dread and fear. I find it difficult to construct positive scenarios.

Why? This is confrontation, and I find myself uncomfortable with

constructive confrontation. Perhaps I find the prospect of loosing

face so shameful that I would rather revert to ruminations and rants.

What's the issue here? To put it bluntly, the issues are conflict and

manipulation. Conflict scares me. I don't like it. I also don't

like being manipulated by others; i.e., being " handled. " These are

power issues.

To be completely honest, or at least balanced, and to avoid yet

another cliche, I am older than a two-years-old. I have handled

difficult situations quite well in which the dignity of all parties

was left intact. I can practice mindful awareness. I have conflict

resolution skills, and I have applied them successfully. I have been a

manager in my profession and a fairly good one. However, I don't

excel in this area, I don't like it, I find it difficult, I'd rather

not engage with people at this level. I know I don't ever want to be

a manager again, the control issues are just over the top for me.

Office politics and personalities also leave me spent. I'm current

neither a manager nor an office worker. I want to avoid future jail

time. However, being a higher primate with the need for other

primates and not being independently wealthy, I am around other

people. I find little joy in that.

As I slide into senescence, I seem to be overwhelmed by this

affliction, and I retreat further and further into my head. I'm now

trying to decide if the rest of my life is one in which I work at a

level below my competence, and if that is the case, is that ok with

me? Do I forsake my middle class status and income?

To conclude, I retrieved a journal I kept for several months in 2003.

I rarely keep journal; this is an exception. From five year ago I

wrote: " I'm keeping this journal in order to monitor my thoughts, my

moods, and my resentments. I hope to accomplish a greater degree of

awareness of how my mind manipulates me; and, thru this awareness,

achieve a greater degree of freedom from my mind. "

Needless to say, I wasn't completely successful. However, I remain,

to a degree, teachable. Comments appreciated. Pls take this request

for comments seriously. Writing this was painful; but, as the body

builders say: " Pain is just a sign of weakness leaving the body. "