Re: Long post - struggling to engage and get unstuck in the work domain

September 2, 2006

Randy,I'm sorry that I don't have more of an "answer" for you on this. All I can do is commiserate to some extent. I am back in college for the first time since . . . well, I forget when, but it has been that long anyway. I have always had some sense of desire to do counseling, and I have always had a sense of irritation with the educational institutions and psychological systems in place. Since finding ACT, I have discovered a perspective that more accurately reflects what I believe to be an effective approach to counseling, and so I enrolled in school. I have 68 cr. hours of undergrad, I am starting by getting a degree from a community college, then transfer to a 4 yr. school, so I can start applying to grad schools. On top of this, I want to study ACT as part of my studies, AND I want to do religious psych studies (which aren't quite as popular as some other topics). Apparently, I don't like doing things the easy way! On top of this, my wife started her

own business 2 years ago, and it is doing pretty well for being 2 years old. We are in a slow period right now, which makes finding time to go back to school easier and finding money harder. I have reason to believe that I could be done with undergrad in 2 years. . . maybe 3. I am really hoping that she is tired of running her own business by the time I want to move to go to grad school.I'm sure there is more (oh yeah, 2 kids, one is 3 and the other is 5 months old!), and I am sure you don't need to hear it all. I get up every day wanting to go back to bed. My mind is still looking for some way to not feel all this pressure (Am I making the right choice? Is this going to be too much strain on my marriage? etc. etc.) I just finished my second week of school, and by Monday my mind was telling me to quit before class.So far, my mind is telling me that it all seems rather bleak . I almost always think of the negatives first. If I can let them get past me

though, there is reason for hope. I have always wanted to do counseling. I am going to get a PhD because I also want to do research and contribute to the field as well as counseling. I want to get a PhD also because it is something that will be respected by the client population that I intend to work with. Before I started looking into ACT, I spent most of my psychological energy avoiding stress because I just didn't know how to deal with it. In so many ways, I still don't. But someone pointed out to me that human beings are capable of far more than we think we are. So often, we say to ourselves, "I can't do this! I can't survive this!" then we get on the other side, and. . . we did do it. We did survive it. That knowledge alone is worth quite a bit to me as an ACT practice. I don't know what I am capable of doing, and there is really only one way to find out.After my wife started her business, I started waking up to the fact that I was not living my

own life. I was a stay-at-home dad, who wasn't a stay-at-home dad because that was really what I wanted to do. I was doing that as an avoidance. I used a lot of excuses, and eventually I ran out of them. I started looking at my son, and I realized that I wanted to set a good example for him. Staying at home, although having many benefits and pluses, was not setting a good example for him because I was using it as an avoidance. I chose to go back to school, despite the pressures, despite the anxiety, despite the trouble, because that was what my son helped me discover that I truly valued. I have thought about getting a masters in counseling instead, and honestly I could probably do most if not all that I really want to do with "just" a masters. The path that I personally value for me, leads through a PhD program, so that is the road that I will pursue unless I discover that I was mistaken, or something else that I value (say, my marriage for example) comes into

direct conflict with this path.I want to thank you for your email. Much of the difficulties you face, I face. It is a long road, and I do not look forward to many parts of it. I must remember that regardless of the outcome, this is worth it, even if only because I am living by my values instead of my issues. The only thought that I really have that is helpful is that maybe part of the problem is that you are not attempting to defuse those thoughts in order to attend to a valued direction. I know that was my problem with a lot of the other things that I tried to do. I saw the value in them, but it wasn't really something that I valued. I know that in simplistic terms I needed something that I valued to motivate me to accept those thoughts/feelings without fusion, and I need a firm hold on those values to keep me from being torn off of them when I am really being pummeled emotionally. But hey, check back with me in 6 months and see if I'm still at

it!Randy Burgess wrote: Warning - this is a VERY long post seeking advice & perspective from anyone with the patience to read till the end. As a freelance writer I'm very unhappy about not finding sustainable work that I enjoy and believe in. When I was much younger I was a newspaper reporter and enjoyed certain aspects of that, but got burned out. I then went and got my MA in fiction-writing, which I really enjoyed, but a few years later I experienced some mild

rejection (much less than some successful novelists have endured on their way to eventual publication) and stopped all my efforts in that area to avoid the pain. Over the last seven years I have struggled to make a living doing increasingly sporadic freelance work in business-to-business marketing writing--newsletter articles, brochures, etc. When I have this work in hand I do it conscientiously, and I like the contact with my clients. But this kind of writing isn't what I believe in, and it doesn't tap the higher kinds of skills I developed back when I was doing journalism and writing novels. So I constantly rebuke myself for not striving to do more--yet I'm *afraid* to do more--afraid of rejection & failure. My last therapist defined me as "rejection-sensitive," and I would have to agree. Whenever I contemplate a way out of this dilemma--hating the work I currently do and thus not

seeking enough of it to make a living, but being afraid to seek more challenging work--I find myself boxed in by my mental definitions of what's possible and what's not. These thoughts are super-stale and super-persistent. Over the last couple of months, I've worked on defusing to the extent that I've been able to make cold-calls to corporations & ad agencies (seeking more of the work I don't really want, on the theory that I do need the money), plus start generating some ideas for magazine articles, up to the point of doing research and even calling potential sources (this represents work that would satisfy me more, but which raises intense self-critical thoughts). Both of these activities are very scary for me. The exercises that seem to have been most helpful for defusion are my own adaptations of the imaginative exposure exercises described by in working on values: I re-enact past

failures and rejections in my mind; I also imagine what it would be like to fail in the future, or what it would be like to go totally broke if I don't succeed in finding sustainable work. The idea is to let myself feel the pain rather than avoid it. So I get a little further along in opening up my ideas of what's possible. But then after a few days of cold-calling or idea-generating, I once again start fusing with thoughts of "I hate cold calling and magazine writing is impossible for someone like me," and I withdraw into avoidance routines in a big way. That's where I am as I write this. My values in the work domain seem to involve things like "seek truth" and "do work that is aesthetically pleasing" and "connect with people." These same ideas come up over and over, every time I do a values exercise. Yet putting "values" into practice bewilders me. What's a value vs. judgement? Am I being driven more

by fear of rejection than anything else? All of my ideas on what to do next inevitably seem to run headlong into thoughts of "that's impossible." If I were to flowchart the sequence, it would go like this: GO: Cold-call companies and ad agencies looking for marketing writing assignments--I need the money! STOP: "Big companies are evil." "That's not using my real abilities and interests as a writer." GO: Okay then, try cold-calling non-profits instead--they're not evil, right? STOP: "Non-profits don't pay well. The only organizations that pay well are for-profit companies." "Besides, I have no experience in writing for non-profits." GO: Okay then, so if you don't want to write for companies or non-profits, and you're saying you don't use your writing abilities to their full extent, why not really commit yourself to pursuing magazine journalism? You used to like

feature writing for newspapers, and you know you're a pretty good writer--just start generating story ideas and pitching them to magazines. You'll have to work really, really hard, but other people do it--so can you. STOP: Look how I'm procrastinating and avoiding--I'll never succeed at this rate!" "The learning curve is too steep." "I'm too picky about the kinds of stories I want to do--I'll starve!" "There are hardly any magazines I like anymore!" "Everyone I've talked to who does freelance journalism says the number one requirement is a thick skin--so it's impossible for someone as rejection-sensitive as me!" I'm not smart enough." "Maybe eventually I could do this, but it would take a long time to get over my fears and get engaged. And I don't have that kind of time." GO: Okay, so if you don't want to do any of the above, find something else to do--maybe look for work full-time at a

non-profit whose values you find good, or if necessary work for just six months at a for-profit company just to make some money and get back on your feet. Or find something new entirely that you'd enjoy doing. STOP: "I've tried, there's nothing out there. I don't have any enthusiasm for anything else. I just don't fit into this world!" I'd like to see these thoughts as just thoughts--step out of the loop to see it as a loop. I don't expect anyone to solve my problem--the decisions are mine to make--but I *am* looking for additional ways to defuse or modify my behavior or otherwise get unstuck from thoughts that seem ancient and ossified and unworkable. Suggestions, anyone?

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September 3, 2006

Hi Guys,

I dont think I have any answers either, though I would guess that

Randy has found his value of writing, and does know which type of

writing gives greater inner satisfaction, the problem is more with

goal setting, the mind coming up with all kinds of reasons why not to

follow a particular course of action (committing to doing it chapter).

Plus you have made some cold calls even though you dont like doing it,

which to an outsider such as myself seems huge progress.

My mind comes up with stuff like 'if I dont want to do it I couldnt

have valued it much in the first place' and 'I dont have any values'

which take me right back to avoidance. Its very hard sometimes to

untangle these, see them just as thoughts to defuse from, and to

remember that its your mind trying to stop you getting hurt by doing

something different, or doing something that hurt in the past.

I did try and make a committment to an activity (co-facilitating a

group) which I didnt want to do - just the thought of it set my body

off! - as a pattern smashing exercise. I set the goal of doing it for

6 months but in the end gave up after two months. My therapist asked

me to try and find what it was about that situation that disturbed me

so much but I could never pin it down. His advice now I have dropped

some things like this that I was doing just because they were there,

is to do things more in line with my values. Which takes me round in a

circle.

I have been noticing over the past months, that my classic avoidance

strategies no longer make me feel 'better' like they used to. So there

is a shift in things.

best wishes on your journey from a fellow struggler

J

September 3, 2006

HI Randy,

I can relate to what you are going through as you attempt to

balance your goals with the reality that you have to make a living.

I can also relate to the negative self-talk based on a significant

amount of rejection.

As I was following along with your GO/STOP dialogue, I felt a sense

of balance up until the very last STOP. The absolute-ism of " there's

*nothing* out there, I just don't fit " ....

Absolute statements and labels (i.e. rejection-sensitive)(who isn't

sensitive to rejection??)are signs that I find for me are barriers to

moving forward towards valued living.

Is it possible for you to let the thoughts that there is nothing out

there and that you don't fit in float down the stream while you move

towards finding a place to work from that provides a financial base

and at the same time is more in line with your values?

One technique I have used in the past is to put my absolute

statements and labels in an imaginary box. The thought of letting

them go sometimes seems impossible given that the reality for me is

that I do experience a lot of rejection and I am sensitive to it. I

don't fit in either, not at all. So I meet up with great resistance

when I try to float them down the stream. I keep hearing an inner

scream that says, But it's TRUE.

The imaginary box enables me to let go of the letting go struggle and

focus my attention on moving forward with my values. You can even

move the imaginery box from place to place, carry it around with you

or FLUSH it down the stream. It is important for me to keep the box

closed while I move forward towards the value action.

Respectful Cheers,

phoenix

> STOP: " I've tried, there's nothing out there. I don't have

> any enthusiasm for anything else. I just don't fit into this

> world! "

>

> I'd like to see these thoughts as just thoughts--step out of the

> loop to see it as a loop. I don't expect anyone to solve my

> problem--the decisions are mine to make--but I *am* looking for

> additional ways to defuse or modify my behavior or otherwise

> get unstuck from thoughts that seem ancient and ossified and

> unworkable. Suggestions, anyone?

>

September 3, 2006

First of all, just thanks to you

and everyone else this last week or so for opening up so--I see myself in

all of you. I too have had my discomfort and fear of rejection, have had

tremendous self-doubt about my abilities, get stuck and then unstuck again

and again...

I have suggestions that may not be very glamorous and not necessarily ACT

language, I'm afraid. When I'm overwhelmed, I need to sometimes take a

huge step back, take a huge breath and re-evaluate. I need to get back

to basics.

This may sound hokey, but are you taking

care of your health--exercise, nutrition, etc? I notice a definite mind-body

connection. I am much more prone to have self-defeating thoughts if I am

not doing my daily walks and keeping my sugar intake down. Lots of water--it

really helps. I drink a ton! (see, I told you this would be in part a non-ACT

response). Perhaps I should re-word for those who are cringing: Are you

remaining mindful of how eat, drink and exercise may interplay with your

fused thoughts? :-)

I wonder too if you've considered getting a job

(p.t.) to help take the pressure/edge off the money and the writing and

the selling yourself? The experience of job itself might also provide inspiration

for your writing--you just never know where or when your muse will appear,

no? And why not explore other career options in addition to writing--could

you be narrowing yourself, your strengths un-necessarily? I know this might

be a hard thing to contemplate after getting an MA in fiction writing, but

maybe there is something related to writing fiction that overlaps? What about revisiting your old newspaper journalism stomping ground for a bit of time--sounds like there was something appealing for you

(if this wouldn't feel awfully regressive).

Also, you have a value of connection, but you sound

a bit isolated. Can you begin to network some? Are there any professional

organizations you can join for info/leads/support? What about the program

you attended--what do your classmates/instructors do now, what does the school

have to offer their graduates? What about volunteer work?

As far as the values stuff-- I don't care much for the word values--a bit

too anxiety producing with moralistic associations/undertones for me. Too much time trying to find the perfect values becomes

more avoidance. But I do very much appreciate

the idea of holding up a larger vision for myself. It just makes sense, as

this gives perspective. Values in ACT are not mystical or mysterious at

all. They are certainly not morals or judgments that we feel bad about if we don't uphold every now and then in thought or practice. Although I'm

hearing this confusion a lot on our board and I too have equated values with

fused beliefs. But it's starting to sink in that values are very simple--sometimes

they pop up when I least expect them to! In a conversation with someone,

as I'm watching a movie... They're just what interests me, what grabs my

attention, what I seem to prefer or gravitate to more often than not. That's

all. So don't sweat it.

Putting values into practice is key. The

goals we make are what gives daily focus and what makes values come alive.

It may also help some to take a closer look at the wording of the value to make sure it's not too vague. 'Seek truth' about what? And to what end? 'Aesthetically pleasing"

how? Could you be asking a bit too much from work? Could this be a set

up for never feeling satisfied? I have certainly done this in my life--put

all my eggs in one work basket. I mean--maybe you can have decent work

that is close enough to connecting and seeking truth and fulfill other values

like aesthetics elsewhere.

Just some questions to ponder. Toss out as you see fit.

Best,

Joanne

Randy Burgess wrote:

Warning - this is a VERY long post seeking advice & perspective

from anyone with the patience to read till the end.

As a freelance writer I'm very unhappy about not finding

sustainable work that I enjoy and believe in. When I was much

younger I was a newspaper reporter and enjoyed certain

aspects of that, but got burned out. I then went and got my

MA in fiction-writing, which I really enjoyed, but a few years

later I experienced some mild rejection (much less than some

successful novelists have endured on their way to eventual

publication) and stopped all my efforts in that area to avoid

the pain.

Over the last seven years I have struggled to make a living doing

increasingly sporadic freelance work in business-to-business

marketing writing--newsletter articles, brochures, etc. When I

have this work in hand I do it conscientiously, and I like the

contact with my clients. But this kind of writing isn't what

I believe in, and it doesn't tap the higher kinds of skills I

developed back when I was doing journalism and writing novels. So

I constantly rebuke myself for not striving to do more--yet I'm

*afraid* to do more--afraid of rejection & failure. My last

therapist defined me as "rejection-sensitive," and I would have

to agree.

Whenever I contemplate a way out of this dilemma--hating the

work I currently do and thus not seeking enough of it to make a

living, but being afraid to seek more challenging work--I find

myself boxed in by my mental definitions of what's possible and

what's not. These thoughts are super-stale and super-persistent.

Over the last couple of months, I've worked on defusing to the

extent that I've been able to make cold-calls to corporations &

ad agencies (seeking more of the work I don't really want, on the

theory that I do need the money), plus start generating some

ideas for magazine articles, up to the point of doing research

and even calling potential sources (this represents work that

would satisfy me more, but which raises intense self-critical

thoughts). Both of these activities are very scary for me.

The exercises that seem to have been most helpful for defusion

are my own adaptations of the imaginative exposure exercises

described by in working on values: I re-enact past

failures and rejections in my mind; I also imagine what it would

be like to fail in the future, or what it would be like to go

totally broke if I don't succeed in finding sustainable work. The

idea is to let myself feel the pain rather than avoid it.

So I get a little further along in opening up my ideas of what's

possible. But then after a few days of cold-calling or

idea-generating, I once again start fusing with thoughts of "I

hate cold calling and magazine writing is impossible for someone

like me," and I withdraw into avoidance routines in a big way.

That's where I am as I write this.

My values in the work domain seem to involve things like "seek

truth" and "do work that is aesthetically pleasing" and "connect

with people." These same ideas come up over and over, every time

I do a values exercise. Yet putting "values" into practice

bewilders me. What's a value vs. judgement? Am I being driven

more by fear of rejection than anything else?

All of my ideas on what to do next inevitably seem to run

headlong into thoughts of "that's impossible." If I were to

flowchart the sequence, it would go like this:

GO: Cold-call companies and ad agencies looking for marketing

writing assignments--I need the money!

STOP: "Big companies are evil." "That's not using my real

abilities and interests as a writer."

GO: Okay then, try cold-calling non-profits instead--they're not

evil, right?

STOP: "Non-profits don't pay well. The only organizations

that pay well are for-profit companies." "Besides, I have no

experience in writing for non-profits."

GO: Okay then, so if you don't want to write for companies or

non-profits, and you're saying you don't use your writing

abilities to their full extent, why not really commit yourself

to pursuing magazine journalism? You used to like feature

writing for newspapers, and you know you're a pretty good

writer--just start generating story ideas and pitching them to

magazines. You'll have to work really, really hard, but other

people do it--so can you.

STOP: Look how I'm procrastinating and avoiding--I'll

never succeed at this rate!" "The learning curve is too

steep." "I'm too picky about the kinds of stories I want to

do--I'll starve!" "There are hardly any magazines I like

anymore!" "Everyone I've talked to who does freelance

journalism says the number one requirement is a thick

skin--so it's impossible for someone as rejection-sensitive

as me!" I'm not smart enough." "Maybe eventually I could do

this, but it would take a long time to get over my fears and get

engaged. And I don't have that kind of time."

GO: Okay, so if you don't want to do any of the above, find

something else to do--maybe look for work full-time at a

non-profit whose values you find good, or if necessary work for

just six months at a for-profit company just to make some money

and get back on your feet. Or find something new entirely that

you'd enjoy doing.

STOP: "I've tried, there's nothing out there. I don't have

any enthusiasm for anything else. I just don't fit into this

world!"

I'd like to see these thoughts as just thoughts--step out of the

loop to see it as a loop. I don't expect anyone to solve my

problem--the decisions are mine to make--but I *am* looking for

additional ways to defuse or modify my behavior or otherwise

get unstuck from thoughts that seem ancient and ossified and

unworkable. Suggestions, anyone?

September 3, 2006

Randy, > The only thought that I really have that is helpful is that maybe > part of the problem is that you are not attempting to defuse those > thoughts in order to attend to a valued direction. I know that was > my problem with a lot of the other things that I tried to do. I > saw the value in them, but it wasn't really something that I valued. Can you explain a little more? This might be very helpful to me ... Well, I suppose it is something like this: It is very easy to fuse our knowledge of ACT, simply because it is something we can communicate. There is a certain amount of "failure" that is going to be in our lives. That is just the way it is, whether we are ok with it or not. The trick is to succeed in spite of failure. Try to see the "GO" stages as little victories that are moving you closer to your final goal, and know what that goal is. Whether you really want to write

novels, or really want to do some other kind of writing, find the path to what you really want, and walk it. Sure, you have "STOP" phases in between, and if you weren't trying they would simply overwhelm the "GO" stages. I am speaking from my own perfectionistic, if-I-UNDERSTAND-it-then-I-SHOULD-be-able-to-DO-it mentality. Once again, this is something that I am grateful for my martial arts training for. I took some time off, and I didn't practice anything for a couple of years. Now I am back in my old school, and I am not learning "new" stuff. I am just trying to remember "old" stuff. What I have learned is that my mind and body remember a lot of this stuff (like a bicycle, eh?), but my mind and body do not have the same level of "competence." I could keep reteaching my mind much more Karate than I can remember in a stretch with my body. I am having to learn to listen so I can tell when my mind is learning, but my body checked out 3 moves

back! This is VERY irritating to me. I could retrain my mind to the Karate in about a month, but my body would not be retrained. (It occurs to me that readers of this post may not be familiar with the concepts of muscle memory, backchannel if you need an explanation). If I want to be able to DO Karate instead of just UNDERSTAND Karate, I have to learn a little bit at a time. I have to memorize a small section and not give in to my "drunken monkey mind" that is capable of more than my body is. To sum up: in the context, my black belt is my valued goal. To get there, I have to conquer one section of the material at a time, and then I have to let it sink in before I move on. From what you wrote, it sounded like taking the perspective of accomplishing a small section of your goal at a time might help. Give yourself a big dream if you like, and just chunk up what it will take to get there. Each cold call is a success if it leads towards your

valued end. Each contract is a success if it leads to a small growth in your flexibility. Each word written is a success. When I was doing Karate before, I knew on a subconscious level that it was something that I really wanted to do. But I was still approaching it from an intellectual, mind-dominated perspective. I wasn't really willing to accept the uncomfortable physical/mental/emotional feelings involved. It was a funny thing, I spent 8 hours a week working out trying to figure out how to not have to feel the pain/exhaustion of working out. Silliness. . . I know. Now, I understand that one of the largest benefits of Karate for me is having to face discomfort that I know is not injury, accept it, and keep acting anyway. And honestly, some days. . . I get lazy because I am just tired of the pain. I just write that day off as not as productive as it could have been, and I show up at the next class. Easier to do when it doesn't pay the bills, eh?

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September 4, 2006

Isn't it wonderful to know everyone is in the soup? It's my favorite part about this journey.

When I read the section in your post about STOP/GO, I was reminded of a chess game … black bishop moves, white rook counters etc. Your question or quandary seemed to be, how do I win this game? How do I play smarter, faster, more effective so that I can win the battle? You know where I'm going with the chess metaphor … our conceptual self is deeply invested in protecting its identity, even so far as to label them `our values'. Goodness if these are our values, then we can't defuse from them we have to find a way to maintain this struggle and win!

I read this little snippet yesterday in "What the Bleep" (companion book to the movie) in the section on Choice:

"Don had his student Castaneda, who was by now a best-selling author, flipping hamburgers in a diner for months. Did Don intend enlightenment through burgers and fries? It turned out after a few months, a beautiful young woman came in looking for . kept quiet until a big limo pulled up. The woman said, "It's ," whereupon realized how he was still craving fame, and in that moment he figured out his true colors."

What if writing was vested in your Recreation, Education, Spirituality or Community domain? At board level there may be no difference if we are an adjunct writing faculty member at a community college or a dharma bum. But I'm no Don and I certainly don't live at board level myself. Deep bow to you in your journey.

~EM

September 7, 2006

" The odd thing about working with values is that at a certain point we

> must enlist our minds to actually make a decision on top of the

> foundation of a choice. If we fear our minds just because they're

> evaluative and conceptual in nature, we won't trust them even as tools

> and we're back to being stuck. It might be a new flavor of stuckness,

> but it's still stuckness. "

Hi Randy,

Can you elaborate what you mean by this?

Thanks,

Joanne

> >

> > Isn't it wonderful to know everyone is in the soup? It's my

> > favorite part about this journey.

> >

> > When I read the section in your post about STOP/GO, I was reminded of

> a

> > chess game ï¿½ black bishop moves, white rook counters etc. Your

> > question or quandary seemed to be, how do I win this game? How do I

> > play smarter, faster, more effective so that I can win the battle?

> You

> > know where I'm going with the chess metaphor ï¿½ our conceptual

> > self is deeply invested in protecting its identity, even so far as to

> > label them `our values'. Goodness if these are our values, then

> > we can't defuse from them we have to find a way to maintain this

> > struggle and win!

> >

> > I read this little snippet yesterday in " What the Bleep "

> > (companion book to the movie) in the section on Choice:

> >

> > " Don had his student Castaneda, who was by now a

> > best-selling author, flipping hamburgers in a diner for months. Did

> Don

> > intend enlightenment through burgers and fries? It turned out

> > after a few months, a beautiful young woman came in looking for

> .

> > kept quiet until a big limo pulled up. The woman said,

> > " It's , " whereupon realized how he was still

> > craving fame, and in that moment he figured out his true colors. "

> >

> > What if writing was vested in your Recreation, Education, Spirituality

> > or Community domain? At board level there may be no difference if we

> > are an adjunct writing faculty member at a community college or a

> dharma

> > bum. But I'm no Don and I certainly don't live at board

> > level myself. Deep bow to you in your journey.

> >

> > ~EM

> >

>

September 8, 2006

>> " The odd thing about working with values is that at a certain

>> point we must enlist our minds to actually make a decision on

>> top of the foundation of a choice. If we fear our minds just

>> because they're evaluative and conceptual in nature, we won't trust

>> them even as tools and we're back to being stuck.

>

> Hi Randy,

> Can you elaborate what you mean by this?

Oops - someone caught me. Well, here goes ...

Per ACT literature, e.g. the workbook, I have done a lot of exercises

to help reveal my values to myself. I'm one of those folks whose

avoidance language includes things like " I don't fit in, nothing about

domain X appeals to me, " etc. - when in fact typically there is a

great deal in domain X that does matter to me, it's just so painful

that I've cut that domain out of my life rather than risk yet more pain.

The next step is to create goals and specific actions as a means of

actualizing these values in life, rather than just on paper. This is

where I think the mind re-enters in a big way. Creating realistic but

bold goals, and the actions to go with them, requires judgment on top

of an inventory of gut-level choices.

And that's just the beginning. As I take various messy steps towards a

goal, familiar barriers emerge in the form of reason-giving and

fusion. I slip, I slide, I retreat, hopefully I recognize avoidance

and recalibrate and step forward again. Yet at the same time I'm

relying on my mind to navigate the highly abstract world I've chosen

to re-engage with. I have to continually distinguish between these two

kinds of mental activity, making sure not to throw the baby (thinking

as useful tool) out with the bathwater (thinking as avoidance mechanism).

Example: I'm in the middle of making a bunch of informational phone

calls. It's been going well, but now up pops a barrier: the next name

on my list is someone who is a potential mentor, but who is also

linked to familiar beliefs that I am a " failure " and " inferior " by

comparison. Instantly my mind gives me conflicting advice: " I've been

doing really well--don't give in to avoidance now, pick up the phone! "

" Hmm, maybe this call should wait until I've had a chance to digest my

other calls--that way we'll have more to talk about when we do talk. "

I will leave that example hanging--I think it gives a better feel for

these sorts of situations that constantly come up.

Moving on--some folks say that when it comes to values, they

concentrate mostly on staying present; this keeps them in tune with

their values in a very fluid way that leads to good decisions. This

sounds like those stories about Zen masters who can instinctively

respond to situations without having to think or hesitate. I like the

sound of this--but in my case, being present comes and goes. Moreover,

my gut-level response to discomfort for years has been to avoid rather

than engage. So right now I can use a little more help, which is where

values tied to explicit goals, etc. come in. Plus I would be doing

goal-planning and to-do lists anyway--so why not tie them into values?

Another way to think of it that is very ACT-consistent is this:

Sometimes we need to work on fusion, values, etc.--and other times we

need to improve our life skills. This latter aspect is the decision-y

stuff I'm talking about. It's still valid even thought it uses (gulp)

the mind.

It's the swamp on the way to the mountain ... it's the lotus with the

roots in the mud.

> > >

> > > Isn't it wonderful to know everyone is in the soup? It's my

> > > favorite part about this journey.

> > >

> > > When I read the section in your post about STOP/GO, I was

reminded of

> > a

> > > chess game ï¿½ black bishop moves, white rook counters etc. Your

> > > question or quandary seemed to be, how do I win this game? How do I

> > > play smarter, faster, more effective so that I can win the battle?

> > You

> > > know where I'm going with the chess metaphor ï¿½ our conceptual

> > > self is deeply invested in protecting its identity, even so far

as to

> > > label them `our values'. Goodness if these are our values, then

> > > we can't defuse from them we have to find a way to maintain this

> > > struggle and win!

> > >

> > > I read this little snippet yesterday in " What the Bleep "

> > > (companion book to the movie) in the section on Choice:

> > >

> > > " Don had his student Castaneda, who was by now a

> > > best-selling author, flipping hamburgers in a diner for months. Did

> > Don

> > > intend enlightenment through burgers and fries? It turned out

> > > after a few months, a beautiful young woman came in looking for

> > .

> > > kept quiet until a big limo pulled up. The woman said,

> > > " It's , " whereupon realized how he was still

> > > craving fame, and in that moment he figured out his true colors. "

> > >

> > > What if writing was vested in your Recreation, Education,

Spirituality

> > > or Community domain? At board level there may be no difference

if we

> > > are an adjunct writing faculty member at a community college or a

> > dharma

> > > bum. But I'm no Don and I certainly don't live at board

> > > level myself. Deep bow to you in your journey.

> > >

> > > ~EM

> > >

> >

>

September 8, 2006

This is very nice

Minds: you can’t live with them, you

can’t live without them

Normally we’ve turned our life over

to our minds and then paid the price.

What ACT does is get us back in the driver’s

seat … but then what to do about these

verbal organs of ours? We still need them –

that is obvious. But we have learned the

price for turning life over to them

The answer is to use them when it serves

our interests, however our verbal organs hear that

too and then start claiming special status

to say when they serve our interests and when they do not

Sheesh.

Minds: you can’t live with them, you

can’t live without them

There is a process solution to this

Stay aware and awake

Stay connected to what you care about

Stay flexible

Give it time

Allow life itself to teach you the

distinction

Minds hate that solution. They want the solution

to be one of verbal content, not experiential process.

And they get to decide the content. No

wonder they like that solution

Don’t fear your mind … use

your mind. Just don’t let it use you

-

S

Steve

From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of Randy Burgess

Sent: Friday, September 08, 2006

6:23 AM

To: ACT_for_the_Public

Subject: Re:

Long post - struggling to engage and get unstuck in the work domain

>> " The odd thing about working with values

is that at a certain