Re: Somewhere a place for me...

[Guest guest]

hi...welcome, welcome, welcome...most folks on these lists have been where

you are now and can relate...I remember finding SWOE and realizing, for the

first time that it wasn't me...first relief, then dismay at the implications

of what that meant...if it wasn't me then it had to be her...and the pain

that went with that realization...and the grief that followed with letting

go of the dream of what the relationship could be/might have been...and then

acceptance and a chance to separate my own healing from hers...this is your

time now to be able to do the same thing and I'm glad to hear you have such

a good on-line friend and a therapist to help guide you...in my case, I have

lost contact with a dear friend and in your case, you will be redefining

your relationship with your mom and your concepts about who your mom is

....and who you are...please have patience with the process and know that you

have a far happier life ahead...one that will not be based on the shifting

sands of a distorted reality but one based on loving clarity...love for

yourself and compassion for your mom

Somewhere a place for me...

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

>

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what was going on. I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life. I traveled some

> 3000 miles across country to a new place that would become my home

> for two years. In those two years, many new appreciations for life

> developed and grew within me. Some good and some not so good. Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than viewing the present

> through my own eyes, I made a realization that I had come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with family and friends.

>

> Talk about reality hitting you when you least expect it. Well here I

> am, living with my mother, but viewing the craziness from the

> outside. At first, I couldn't believe what my eyes saw. Then shock.

> Then depression. I lost myself, the little part of myself that I had

> begun to develop while away for two years. Now I was in a constant

> pull and push force between a place of craziness that seemed so

> familiar and a place that was so new that I some how felt was not

> important to hold on to. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, I couldn't

> breath. Through the support of a online friend I found my way to a

> new T. During the past few weeks the push and pull of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go. All the words I spoke or typed and

> all the words that I heard or read were not mine they belong to

> someone else. I froze with fear. I closed myself off this past week

> in order to find something that could feel real. Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now threatened by my mother

> and the past. Words that my online friend and new T had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I am not on this

> journey alone!!

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

hi...welcome, welcome, welcome...most folks on these lists have been where

you are now and can relate...I remember finding SWOE and realizing, for the

first time that it wasn't me...first relief, then dismay at the implications

of what that meant...if it wasn't me then it had to be her...and the pain

that went with that realization...and the grief that followed with letting

go of the dream of what the relationship could be/might have been...and then

acceptance and a chance to separate my own healing from hers...this is your

time now to be able to do the same thing and I'm glad to hear you have such

a good on-line friend and a therapist to help guide you...in my case, I have

lost contact with a dear friend and in your case, you will be redefining

your relationship with your mom and your concepts about who your mom is

....and who you are...please have patience with the process and know that you

have a far happier life ahead...one that will not be based on the shifting

sands of a distorted reality but one based on loving clarity...love for

yourself and compassion for your mom

Somewhere a place for me...

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

>

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what was going on. I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life. I traveled some

> 3000 miles across country to a new place that would become my home

> for two years. In those two years, many new appreciations for life

> developed and grew within me. Some good and some not so good. Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than viewing the present

> through my own eyes, I made a realization that I had come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with family and friends.

>

> Talk about reality hitting you when you least expect it. Well here I

> am, living with my mother, but viewing the craziness from the

> outside. At first, I couldn't believe what my eyes saw. Then shock.

> Then depression. I lost myself, the little part of myself that I had

> begun to develop while away for two years. Now I was in a constant

> pull and push force between a place of craziness that seemed so

> familiar and a place that was so new that I some how felt was not

> important to hold on to. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, I couldn't

> breath. Through the support of a online friend I found my way to a

> new T. During the past few weeks the push and pull of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go. All the words I spoke or typed and

> all the words that I heard or read were not mine they belong to

> someone else. I froze with fear. I closed myself off this past week

> in order to find something that could feel real. Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now threatened by my mother

> and the past. Words that my online friend and new T had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I am not on this

> journey alone!!

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

hi...welcome, welcome, welcome...most folks on these lists have been where

you are now and can relate...I remember finding SWOE and realizing, for the

first time that it wasn't me...first relief, then dismay at the implications

of what that meant...if it wasn't me then it had to be her...and the pain

that went with that realization...and the grief that followed with letting

go of the dream of what the relationship could be/might have been...and then

acceptance and a chance to separate my own healing from hers...this is your

time now to be able to do the same thing and I'm glad to hear you have such

a good on-line friend and a therapist to help guide you...in my case, I have

lost contact with a dear friend and in your case, you will be redefining

your relationship with your mom and your concepts about who your mom is

....and who you are...please have patience with the process and know that you

have a far happier life ahead...one that will not be based on the shifting

sands of a distorted reality but one based on loving clarity...love for

yourself and compassion for your mom

Somewhere a place for me...

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

>

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what was going on. I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life. I traveled some

> 3000 miles across country to a new place that would become my home

> for two years. In those two years, many new appreciations for life

> developed and grew within me. Some good and some not so good. Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than viewing the present

> through my own eyes, I made a realization that I had come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with family and friends.

>

> Talk about reality hitting you when you least expect it. Well here I

> am, living with my mother, but viewing the craziness from the

> outside. At first, I couldn't believe what my eyes saw. Then shock.

> Then depression. I lost myself, the little part of myself that I had

> begun to develop while away for two years. Now I was in a constant

> pull and push force between a place of craziness that seemed so

> familiar and a place that was so new that I some how felt was not

> important to hold on to. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel, I couldn't

> breath. Through the support of a online friend I found my way to a

> new T. During the past few weeks the push and pull of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go. All the words I spoke or typed and

> all the words that I heard or read were not mine they belong to

> someone else. I froze with fear. I closed myself off this past week

> in order to find something that could feel real. Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now threatened by my mother

> and the past. Words that my online friend and new T had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I am not on this

> journey alone!!

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

--- jalom31@... wrote:

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I

> marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally

> somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words

> don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

It's nice to come to place where there are others who

have experienced the same feelings as yourself. You

don't feel so alone anymore. It's almost as if you've

found a connection to yourself. It's an explanation

and validation. It's balm for the soul.

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I

> had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person

> that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title

> of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what

> was going on.

This happened to me as well. I had become so caught up

in the chaos that the core of who I was got lost in

the quagmire. I spent my life defending myself and

rationalizing the irrational. I got so lost in all of

the ugliness. I fought back only to be left feeling as

ugly as they. The constant battle for truth left me

frustrated. The battles left me emotionally drained

and feeling awful about myself.

I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I

> could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and

> walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life.

It takes courage to leave. I left behind a mother and

a husband. It's been a difficult year for me.

Sometimes I want more than anything to have them just

hold me and say they're sorry, and mean it.

<snip>Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than

> viewing the present

> through my own eyes,

I made a realization that I had

> come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt

> that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I

> had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with

> family and friends.

I've had these thoughts too, many times over. I equate

my thinking to idealizations of what a family was. It

was also a matter of thinking that much of what

happened was my fault. Through revelations about my

own behavior, I thought that I too, could return to

the fold and it would be different. The thing is, it

is not me who had the problem. I would be *hoovered*

back in, time and again.

<snip>During the past few weeks the push and pull

> of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was

> heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go.

Sometimes I still go to a place I'd rather not be.

Even without my mother or my ex in my life. What's

left is a shattered soul who's striving to rebuild a

life. With no role model to fashion myself from, it's

a challenging transition.

<snip>

> Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I

> couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so

> much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During

> the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and

> found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

After being pulled into the quagmire of the BP world,

it was easy for me to read and see things of myself in

the book as well. How can they not be when you

interact with a BP, especially a parent?

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to

> hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two

> years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I

> hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching

> aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now

> threatened by my mother

> and the past.

My mother has a way of hitting on the most vulnerable

part of me... obliterating me and my peace of mind.

Words that my online friend and new T

> had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG

> has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a

> good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to

> find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for

> myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am

> so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have

> shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I

> am not on this

> journey alone!!

Me too. It's good to have a place to share, be

understood and not blamed. Many people have told me

over the years that *I* needed to be understanding,

that it was a shame that *I* didn't have a

relationship with my mother. They could never

understand what it was like for me. No one ever

understood the magnitude of suffering my own mother

inflicted upon me. All the while, I, wanting to be the

good daughter and person, kept trying to do as society

tells us to do. What's normal in our society is that

we do love our mothers. What's also normal is that our

mothers love us. They need to love us first, and they

just don't. No one else sees this though. They have no

concept, it's incomprehendable to most of society.

Peace and welcome,

Cyndie

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

--- jalom31@... wrote:

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I

> marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally

> somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words

> don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

It's nice to come to place where there are others who

have experienced the same feelings as yourself. You

don't feel so alone anymore. It's almost as if you've

found a connection to yourself. It's an explanation

and validation. It's balm for the soul.

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I

> had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person

> that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title

> of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what

> was going on.

This happened to me as well. I had become so caught up

in the chaos that the core of who I was got lost in

the quagmire. I spent my life defending myself and

rationalizing the irrational. I got so lost in all of

the ugliness. I fought back only to be left feeling as

ugly as they. The constant battle for truth left me

frustrated. The battles left me emotionally drained

and feeling awful about myself.

I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I

> could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and

> walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life.

It takes courage to leave. I left behind a mother and

a husband. It's been a difficult year for me.

Sometimes I want more than anything to have them just

hold me and say they're sorry, and mean it.

<snip>Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than

> viewing the present

> through my own eyes,

I made a realization that I had

> come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt

> that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I

> had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with

> family and friends.

I've had these thoughts too, many times over. I equate

my thinking to idealizations of what a family was. It

was also a matter of thinking that much of what

happened was my fault. Through revelations about my

own behavior, I thought that I too, could return to

the fold and it would be different. The thing is, it

is not me who had the problem. I would be *hoovered*

back in, time and again.

<snip>During the past few weeks the push and pull

> of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was

> heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go.

Sometimes I still go to a place I'd rather not be.

Even without my mother or my ex in my life. What's

left is a shattered soul who's striving to rebuild a

life. With no role model to fashion myself from, it's

a challenging transition.

<snip>

> Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I

> couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so

> much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During

> the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and

> found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

After being pulled into the quagmire of the BP world,

it was easy for me to read and see things of myself in

the book as well. How can they not be when you

interact with a BP, especially a parent?

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to

> hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two

> years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I

> hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching

> aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now

> threatened by my mother

> and the past.

My mother has a way of hitting on the most vulnerable

part of me... obliterating me and my peace of mind.

Words that my online friend and new T

> had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG

> has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a

> good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to

> find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for

> myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am

> so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have

> shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I

> am not on this

> journey alone!!

Me too. It's good to have a place to share, be

understood and not blamed. Many people have told me

over the years that *I* needed to be understanding,

that it was a shame that *I* didn't have a

relationship with my mother. They could never

understand what it was like for me. No one ever

understood the magnitude of suffering my own mother

inflicted upon me. All the while, I, wanting to be the

good daughter and person, kept trying to do as society

tells us to do. What's normal in our society is that

we do love our mothers. What's also normal is that our

mothers love us. They need to love us first, and they

just don't. No one else sees this though. They have no

concept, it's incomprehendable to most of society.

Peace and welcome,

Cyndie

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

--- jalom31@... wrote:

> As I find myself reading through a few post, I

> marvel at the

> astounishing feeling that I feel within. Finally

> somewhere a place

> for me...to go and know that I am not alone. Words

> don't even seem to

> be able to describe how I am feeling.

It's nice to come to place where there are others who

have experienced the same feelings as yourself. You

don't feel so alone anymore. It's almost as if you've

found a connection to yourself. It's an explanation

and validation. It's balm for the soul.

> A brief history: Approximately three years ago, I

> had come to a point

> in my life where I felt that I had become the person

> that I had never

> wanted to become and couldn't bare to hold the title

> of the b*tch in

> the family. At the time, I didn't understand what

> was going on.

This happened to me as well. I had become so caught up

in the chaos that the core of who I was got lost in

the quagmire. I spent my life defending myself and

rationalizing the irrational. I got so lost in all of

the ugliness. I fought back only to be left feeling as

ugly as they. The constant battle for truth left me

frustrated. The battles left me emotionally drained

and feeling awful about myself.

I

> just knew that I needed to get away as far as I

> could. So an

> opportunity knocked at the door and I opened it and

> walked away,

> leaving the only thing I had ever known in my life.

It takes courage to leave. I left behind a mother and

a husband. It's been a difficult year for me.

Sometimes I want more than anything to have them just

hold me and say they're sorry, and mean it.

<snip>Still

> viewing the future through the past rather than

> viewing the present

> through my own eyes,

I made a realization that I had

> come to truly

> appreciate my family (especially my mother) and felt

> that I was

> prepared to return home and enjoy the time while I

> had it with my

> mother. I even expressed these words openly with

> family and friends.

I've had these thoughts too, many times over. I equate

my thinking to idealizations of what a family was. It

was also a matter of thinking that much of what

happened was my fault. Through revelations about my

own behavior, I thought that I too, could return to

the fold and it would be different. The thing is, it

is not me who had the problem. I would be *hoovered*

back in, time and again.

<snip>During the past few weeks the push and pull

> of the force just

> kept sending me in a downward spiral that I was

> heading to a place

> that I knew I did not want to go.

Sometimes I still go to a place I'd rather not be.

Even without my mother or my ex in my life. What's

left is a shattered soul who's striving to rebuild a

life. With no role model to fashion myself from, it's

a challenging transition.

<snip>

> Then a book, SWOE,

> one bought a few weeks ago but barely touched. I

> couldn't tell if I

> was the one or if mother was the one. I believed so

> much that mother

> told me that I thought that it had to be me. During

> the past week, I

> read further into the book. I hit chapters 3 & 4 and

> found a new

> meaning to this crazy life.

After being pulled into the quagmire of the BP world,

it was easy for me to read and see things of myself in

the book as well. How can they not be when you

interact with a BP, especially a parent?

>

> For the past three months, I have been fighting to

> hold onto the

> small piece of myself that I found during the two

> years away. I

> thought that I had lost it, but in actuality I

> hadn't. It was still

> here, hiding out behind my four walls, searching

> aimlessly for a way

> to grow and continue. However in a place now

> threatened by my mother

> and the past.

My mother has a way of hitting on the most vulnerable

part of me... obliterating me and my peace of mind.

Words that my online friend and new T

> had been saying

> the past three months became clearier and the FOG

> has begun to lift

> some.

>

> Today I find yet another place. A place that seems a

> good one to be.

> I am not alone. Others are out there struggling to

> find what it is

> that I have been so desperately searching for

> myself. Somewhere a

> place for me. I am just overwhelmed right now. I am

> so glad I have

> found this place. My thanks for those that have

> shared in post. I see

> some light now up ahead and I am just pleased that I

> am not on this

> journey alone!!

Me too. It's good to have a place to share, be

understood and not blamed. Many people have told me

over the years that *I* needed to be understanding,

that it was a shame that *I* didn't have a

relationship with my mother. They could never

understand what it was like for me. No one ever

understood the magnitude of suffering my own mother

inflicted upon me. All the while, I, wanting to be the

good daughter and person, kept trying to do as society

tells us to do. What's normal in our society is that

we do love our mothers. What's also normal is that our

mothers love us. They need to love us first, and they

just don't. No one else sees this though. They have no

concept, it's incomprehendable to most of society.

Peace and welcome,

Cyndie

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Thank you both Cyndie and for the warm welcome. Yes it is a

huge validation and it has come at a time in my life when I really

need the support and encouragement especially from those that

understand what I am experiencing.

I am struggling to find a way to set boundaries with my mother while

living in the same home. The possibility of removing myself from the

situation contains barriers that are unable to get over at this

current time. I do have a place that I can go in case of an

emergency. I have never set boundaries with my mother and just

something as simple of being able to go into my own bedroom and shut

the door is enough to cause a big issue with her. On top of living

with her, my mother is going to be having surgery as of Sept. 27th

and then after coming off of medical leave she is going to be

retired. So as of Sept. she will be home 24/7. I am having much

anxiety over this because my fear of losing my alone time (the little

that I had) will be completely gone.

In addition to this realization, I am dealing with fighting the grips

of dsythymia and recurrent PTSD. As an outcome from my realization, I

feel that my hopes and depression has lifted a great deal. Finding

stability in my life right now seems to be of utmost importances, but

just having a difficult time in finding that stability. Since I have

been gone for over two years it seems that I have changed such a

great deal that even making connections with old friends is

difficult. It definitely feels like I am completely starting all

over.

It gets pretty discouraging when I look around and see within my

family how mother has been able to control each of us that are a part

of the family. My mother is the oldest one in the family and holds

the strings that have dangled down to each family member for her to

control like a puppet. I sit here and watch her interactions with

others and find myself frighten at times due to her rages as if I was

still a young child.

I am beginning to take very small steps in setting boundaries. I take

each day minute by minute. I can not at least see what it is that I

want instead of what it was that she wanted. I look forward to the

day when I am able to distant the space between her and I. I have set

a goal to have my own place by April 2002, however I am hoping that

something will come available prior to that.

Thanks again for the warm welcomes and for sharing with me the words

that bring validation that I am not alone.

[Guest guest]

>

> I am struggling to find a way to set boundaries with my mother

while

> living in the same home. The possibility of removing myself from

the

> situation contains barriers that are unable to get over at this

> current time. I do have a place that I can go in case of an

> emergency. I have never set boundaries with my mother and just

> something as simple of being able to go into my own bedroom and

shut

> the door is enough to cause a big issue with her. On top of living

> with her, my mother is going to be having surgery as of Sept. 27th

> and then after coming off of medical leave she is going to be

> retired. So as of Sept. she will be home 24/7. I am having much

> anxiety over this because my fear of losing my alone time (the

little

> that I had) will be completely gone.

>

> In addition to this realization, I am dealing with fighting the

grips

> of dsythymia and recurrent PTSD.

First Welcome. Second, wow, do you ever have a lot to bear! My heart

goes out to you, I cannot imagine what you are going through inside.

Well, maybe a little. When I was 15 I got very sick and had to be

with my mom 24/7. Of course, that's switched around with me being the

sick one, but as you can imagine my mom had a lot of difficulty

letting me be sick. She was and is always very sick, there is a never

ending list of ailments. She was so demanding, ungrateful and

relentless. I wish you grace, strength and peace.

Tasja

[Guest guest]

>

> I am struggling to find a way to set boundaries with my mother

while

> living in the same home. The possibility of removing myself from

the

> situation contains barriers that are unable to get over at this

> current time. I do have a place that I can go in case of an

> emergency. I have never set boundaries with my mother and just

> something as simple of being able to go into my own bedroom and

shut

> the door is enough to cause a big issue with her. On top of living

> with her, my mother is going to be having surgery as of Sept. 27th

> and then after coming off of medical leave she is going to be

> retired. So as of Sept. she will be home 24/7. I am having much

> anxiety over this because my fear of losing my alone time (the

little

> that I had) will be completely gone.

>

> In addition to this realization, I am dealing with fighting the

grips

> of dsythymia and recurrent PTSD.

First Welcome. Second, wow, do you ever have a lot to bear! My heart

goes out to you, I cannot imagine what you are going through inside.

Well, maybe a little. When I was 15 I got very sick and had to be

with my mom 24/7. Of course, that's switched around with me being the

sick one, but as you can imagine my mom had a lot of difficulty

letting me be sick. She was and is always very sick, there is a never

ending list of ailments. She was so demanding, ungrateful and

relentless. I wish you grace, strength and peace.

Tasja

[Guest guest]

>

> I am struggling to find a way to set boundaries with my mother

while

> living in the same home. The possibility of removing myself from

the

> situation contains barriers that are unable to get over at this

> current time. I do have a place that I can go in case of an

> emergency. I have never set boundaries with my mother and just

> something as simple of being able to go into my own bedroom and

shut

> the door is enough to cause a big issue with her. On top of living

> with her, my mother is going to be having surgery as of Sept. 27th

> and then after coming off of medical leave she is going to be

> retired. So as of Sept. she will be home 24/7. I am having much

> anxiety over this because my fear of losing my alone time (the

little

> that I had) will be completely gone.

>

> In addition to this realization, I am dealing with fighting the

grips

> of dsythymia and recurrent PTSD.

First Welcome. Second, wow, do you ever have a lot to bear! My heart

goes out to you, I cannot imagine what you are going through inside.

Well, maybe a little. When I was 15 I got very sick and had to be

with my mom 24/7. Of course, that's switched around with me being the

sick one, but as you can imagine my mom had a lot of difficulty

letting me be sick. She was and is always very sick, there is a never

ending list of ailments. She was so demanding, ungrateful and

relentless. I wish you grace, strength and peace.

Tasja