Re: Re: I don't want your gifts

[Guest guest]

Kathleen,

Your words & E-HUG have brought my senses back. Thanks for your kindness -

Ellen

At 02:41 PM 11/30/01 -0000, you wrote:

>wow Ellen....brace yourself and put it in the category of " christian

>charity " . It is very good of you to give her this service she

>needs...but try to be detatched from the outcome.

>

>Keep posting. God Bless you!

>

>Kathleen

>

>

>

>To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & concerns to

ModOasis-owner . " Stop Waking on Eggshells, " a primer for

non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the table of

contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Ellen C. Greene wrote: "

.. I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable when someone does

> something for me. I feel incredibly indepted to that person & anxious to

> reciprocate many times more.

Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always drummed into me

that I was never grateful enough for all she did and sacrificed for me.

Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did not thank her

enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably not speak to them

for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I also hesitate

to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what will I have to do

to pay it back, to make it even.'

However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and neighbours helped out

with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one neighbour who just

kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family to rely on said

to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a time to give and

a time to take! SOmetimes its okay just to accept and that person wants to

help without expecting something back in return. When I recognised this and

I realised that I did not have to go and buy all these people gifts in

return it was incredibly releasing.

After reading thru your posts, I really admire the way you are to your nada.

take care

dee

[Guest guest]

>Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always drummed into me

>that I was never grateful enough for all she did and sacrificed for me.

>Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did not thank her

>enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably not speak to them

>for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I also hesitate

>to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what will I have to do

>to pay it back, to make it even.'

Hi Dee. Glad to see there's potential to overcome this lesson. Our BP

mother's preached " Children are a Sacrafice " Many of us were " offered "

gifts knowing soooo many strings were attached. It's good to know that

many people don't think this way!

> However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and neighbours helped out

>with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one neighbour who just

>kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family to rely on said

>to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a time to give and

>a time to take!

A wonderful neighbor & such an insightful person. I'll remember this! Thanks-

Ellen

>

[Guest guest]

>Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always drummed into me

>that I was never grateful enough for all she did and sacrificed for me.

>Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did not thank her

>enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably not speak to them

>for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I also hesitate

>to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what will I have to do

>to pay it back, to make it even.'

Hi Dee. Glad to see there's potential to overcome this lesson. Our BP

mother's preached " Children are a Sacrafice " Many of us were " offered "

gifts knowing soooo many strings were attached. It's good to know that

many people don't think this way!

> However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and neighbours helped out

>with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one neighbour who just

>kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family to rely on said

>to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a time to give and

>a time to take!

A wonderful neighbor & such an insightful person. I'll remember this! Thanks-

Ellen

>

[Guest guest]

I've always believed that you can " repay " someone by doing a

kind deed for someone else. If someone helps you when you are

in a time of need and you are unable to reciprocate, " repay "

them by doing the same for someone else down the road.

Although I know what you mean, Ellen. If I have the means to

" repay " my " debt " , I do so as best I can. I think, as a KO, I'm

uncomfortable feeling like I " owe " something, because then that

person can use it to guilt me and control me (all nada

behaviors).

Anon

--- B & DStone wrote:

>

> " Ellen C. Greene wrote: "

> . I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable when someone does

> > something for me. I feel incredibly indepted to that person

> & anxious to

> > reciprocate many times more.

>

> Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always

> drummed into me

> that I was never grateful enough for all she did and

> sacrificed for me.

> Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did not

> thank her

> enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably not

> speak to them

> for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I

> also hesitate

> to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what will

> I have to do

> to pay it back, to make it even.'

> However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and

> neighbours helped out

> with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one

> neighbour who just

> kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family to

> rely on said

> to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a

> time to give and

> a time to take! SOmetimes its okay just to accept and that

> person wants to

> help without expecting something back in return. When I

> recognised this and

> I realised that I did not have to go and buy all these people

> gifts in

> return it was incredibly releasing.

>

> After reading thru your posts, I really admire the way you are

> to your nada.

> take care

> dee

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

I think that makes sense. If someone is kind to me, it makes me

want to be kind to someone else. And vice versa.

Cyndy

--- Anon Mous wrote:

> I've always believed that you can " repay " someone by doing a

> kind deed for someone else. If someone helps you when you are

> in a time of need and you are unable to reciprocate, " repay "

> them by doing the same for someone else down the road.

>

> Although I know what you mean, Ellen. If I have the means to

> " repay " my " debt " , I do so as best I can. I think, as a KO,

> I'm

> uncomfortable feeling like I " owe " something, because then

> that

> person can use it to guilt me and control me (all nada

> behaviors).

>

> Anon

>

> --- B & DStone wrote:

> >

> > " Ellen C. Greene wrote: "

> > . I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable when someone does

> > > something for me. I feel incredibly indepted to that

> person

> > & anxious to

> > > reciprocate many times more.

> >

> > Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always

> > drummed into me

> > that I was never grateful enough for all she did and

> > sacrificed for me.

> > Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did

> not

> > thank her

> > enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably

> not

> > speak to them

> > for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I

> > also hesitate

> > to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what

> will

> > I have to do

> > to pay it back, to make it even.'

> > However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and

> > neighbours helped out

> > with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one

> > neighbour who just

> > kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family

> to

> > rely on said

> > to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a

> > time to give and

> > a time to take! SOmetimes its okay just to accept and that

> > person wants to

> > help without expecting something back in return. When I

> > recognised this and

> > I realised that I did not have to go and buy all these

> people

> > gifts in

> > return it was incredibly releasing.

> >

> > After reading thru your posts, I really admire the way you

> are

> > to your nada.

> > take care

> > dee

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

I think that makes sense. If someone is kind to me, it makes me

want to be kind to someone else. And vice versa.

Cyndy

--- Anon Mous wrote:

> I've always believed that you can " repay " someone by doing a

> kind deed for someone else. If someone helps you when you are

> in a time of need and you are unable to reciprocate, " repay "

> them by doing the same for someone else down the road.

>

> Although I know what you mean, Ellen. If I have the means to

> " repay " my " debt " , I do so as best I can. I think, as a KO,

> I'm

> uncomfortable feeling like I " owe " something, because then

> that

> person can use it to guilt me and control me (all nada

> behaviors).

>

> Anon

>

> --- B & DStone wrote:

> >

> > " Ellen C. Greene wrote: "

> > . I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable when someone does

> > > something for me. I feel incredibly indepted to that

> person

> > & anxious to

> > > reciprocate many times more.

> >

> > Ellen, I can really relate to the above. My nada always

> > drummed into me

> > that I was never grateful enough for all she did and

> > sacrificed for me.

> > Anytime, she did anything to help someone out, if they did

> not

> > thank her

> > enough, they were on her " bad " list and she would probably

> not

> > speak to them

> > for a good while or cut them down privately. Consequently, I

> > also hesitate

> > to accept anything from people- I get this thought, 'what

> will

> > I have to do

> > to pay it back, to make it even.'

> > However, since I have had my 2 kids and friends and

> > neighbours helped out

> > with meals- I learnt about unconditional giving and one

> > neighbour who just

> > kept sending me food because she knew that I had no family

> to

> > rely on said

> > to me when I kept thanking her for her support -there is a

> > time to give and

> > a time to take! SOmetimes its okay just to accept and that

> > person wants to

> > help without expecting something back in return. When I

> > recognised this and

> > I realised that I did not have to go and buy all these

> people

> > gifts in

> > return it was incredibly releasing.

> >

> > After reading thru your posts, I really admire the way you

> are

> > to your nada.

> > take care

> > dee

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

At 08:12 PM 12/2/01 -0800, you wrote:

>I've always believed that you can " repay " someone by doing a

>kind deed for someone else. If someone helps you when you are

>in a time of need and you are unable to reciprocate, " repay "

>them by doing the same for someone else down the road.

>

>Anon, Did you see the movie " Pay it Forward " ? Someone told me this is

about giving/receiving & excellent to see. I have a friend who always uses

the term pay it forward.... Maybe several of us KOs would benefit by

watching it??

Ellen

Best-

Ellen

[Guest guest]

At 08:12 PM 12/2/01 -0800, you wrote:

>I've always believed that you can " repay " someone by doing a

>kind deed for someone else. If someone helps you when you are

>in a time of need and you are unable to reciprocate, " repay "

>them by doing the same for someone else down the road.

>

>Anon, Did you see the movie " Pay it Forward " ? Someone told me this is

about giving/receiving & excellent to see. I have a friend who always uses

the term pay it forward.... Maybe several of us KOs would benefit by

watching it??

Ellen

Best-

Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

Glad to see you made it over here to ModOasis!

You wrote:

<<

The discussion made me laugh because in my nada's latest suicide

gesture/temper tantrum (she swallowed a bunch of cholesterol

meds)she sent a suicide email to me in which she apologized for

not " being around to give you such wonderful Christmas presents

anymore " .

>>

and

<<

Anyway, gifts from Megatron have always been inappropriately

large or expensive and have been perennially held over our heads

like the blade of a guilliotine. " Remember the Christmas I gave

you the floor polisher? Obviously, you don't remember because

these floors look like they haven't seen a coat of wax in

decades. Imagine, the sacrifice I made to buy that and you

don't even bother to clean your home. Lee (husband) is a model

of patience...how he stands your housekeeping is beyond me. "

What started as a memory of Christmas past is suddenly a

bludgeoning of my skills as a homemaker! How festive.

>>

Ok, I think I'm going to like you a lot -- you've gotten me to

laugh out loud twice in less than 24 hours! This is SO BPD!!!

You'll probably notice a lot of " twin moments " around here...

it's like all our nadas went to the same school!

<<

Of course arguing or debating with a nada is very much the same

as arguing with a drunk...pointless and annoying...they never

see the point and are never ever wrong.

>>

This is an interesting analogy... it seems accurate. One of my

neighbors is a vietnam vet with pretty severe PTSD. He is a

major alcoholic, and he pushes a lot of my nada buttons. When

he's drunk, he has no recognition of boundaries AT ALL. My

husband and I are building a garage, and he always comes over

and " helps " by " telling us what to do " ! It's the worst when

he's drunk. We usually try to humor him, because he's pretty

harmless, and he actually has good advice a lot of the time.

However, sometimes he just gets to the point where we can't

tolerate him. Last weekend, I hit my limit and actually took

hold of his arm and tried to physically drag him away from the

garage, and he grabbed on, whined like a baby (literally) and

wouldn't budge -- like a two year old!! It drove me crazy to

have my boundaries so willfully violated. And it is very

BPD-like (although this guy doesn't have BPD). I had already

realized that he is a major boundary violator, but I hadn't

considered that BPDs are like drunks -- thanks for pointing this

out! I would never try to reason with a drunk (and when I do, I

regret it!), so why would I try with a BP?

Take care,

Anon

--- sweepea1215 wrote:

> I am reading the archives and I came across a discussion about

> gifts

> from nadas. The discussion made me laugh because in my nada's

> latest

> suicide gesture/temper tantrum (she swallowed a bunch of

> cholesterol

> meds)she sent a suicide email to me in which she apologized

> for

> not " being around to give you such wonderful Christmas

> presents

> anymore " . I felt like telling her to kiss off! Of course

> arguing or

> debating with a nada is very much the same as arguing with a

> drunk...pointless and annoying...they never see the point and

> are

> never ever wrong. Anyway, gifts from Megatron have always

> been

> inappropriately large or expensive and have been perennially

> held

> over our heads like the blade of a guilliotine. " Remember the

>

> Christmas I gave you the floor polisher? Obviously, you don't

>

> remember because these floors look like they haven't seen a

> coat of

> wax in decades. Imagine, the sacrifice I made to buy that and

> you

> don't even bother to clean your home. Lee (husband) is a

> model of

> patience...how he stands your housekeeping is beyond me. "

> What

> started as a memory of Christmas past is suddenly a

> bludgeoning of my

> skills as a homemaker! How festive.

>

> Debbie

__________________________________________________