need advice

[Guest guest]

I have a family member who has been a heavy drinker for at least 30

years. He has recently had massive ascites requiring paracentesis. The

docs could not confirm a Dx through MRI and CT. I know its cirrohsis

but he will not submit to a liver biopsy. He continues to drink

probably even more than usual to forget he is sick. If I say anythig

to him, he will simply shut me out completely. How can I help him?

Does anyone have any advice? Do I just have to watch him drink himself

to death? I'm sorry if this is not the right group for this type of

question.

[Guest guest]

Steve wrote,

> I have a family member who has been a heavy drinker for at least 30

> years. He has recently had massive ascites requiring paracentesis. The

> docs could not confirm a Dx through MRI and CT. I know its cirrohsis

> but he will not submit to a liver biopsy. He continues to drink

> probably even more than usual to forget he is sick. If I say anythig

> to him, he will simply shut me out completely. How can I help him?

> Does anyone have any advice? Do I just have to watch him drink himself

> to death? I'm sorry if this is not the right group for this type of

> question.

I think this question is perfectly on-topic, Steve. I have answers for you,

although they are not the answers you seek. I have two things to share based

on experience with heavy drinkers:

First, you cannot " help " your family member in terms of " making " him,

persuading him or forcing him to stop drinking. He knows he is ill. He knows

he needs help. He knows sobriety will improve his health. He is choosing is

own path. You can help him by treating him with the dignity and respect that

recognizes him as an autonomous human being who is entitled to his own

choices. This is called detachment. It doesn't mean you're aloof or

uncaring, and it doesn't mean you condone his actions. It means you

understand that there is a plan and a path for his life which you do not

control.

Second, you and other members of the family can help yourselves by seeking

out the nearest Al-Anon family group. In this group you'll have the

opportunity to learn to understand alcoholism and its affect on your family

member and those close to him. You'll learn how to practice detachment, how

to love your relative and one-another, and how to get through this very

difficult time. You will learn these important things: Alcoholism is a

family disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure

it.

I've heard people (in real life and on-line) speak critically of Al-Anon.

Without exception they had no first-hand experience of it. I firmly believe

that Al-Anon saved my marriage, my life and my husband's life. And here's

the wonderful, strange thing about it . . . Once I stopped nagging him, and

gave him space to assimilate the knowledge of his cirrhosis, my husband

stopped drinking, completely. He hasn't had a drink in over a year. He won't

go to Alcoholics Anonymous (I think that would make his path so much easier)

but it's his choice and he chooses to walk this path alone. 14 months ago

had a paracentesis that removed 7 liters of fluid from his abdomen. He

has not had any symptoms of ascites for at least a year.

I hope I've helped. If you want to find a local Al-Anon meeting you can

either call the number in your local phone book or visiting this site:

http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html

Dorothy