Puzzled

[Guest guest]

I've been encouraged by so much I've read here over the past couple

of months. The suggestion about journalling and famility history is

excellent. Kjersten has no children (I have three by my first

marriage and they are a major part of my life...in fact, they are the

only ones who know what is happening with Kjersten and their support

is vital to me), but she does keep a journal because it is helpful to

her to put her feelings and concerns in writing. I keep one, too (no,

we never read each other's journal) and while I suppose my boys will

eventually get to read mine and perhaps hers, too, it is theraputic

to write out your feelings,fears,hopes...things you sometimes cannot

share wtih anyone else.

One of the few things that Kjersten pushes herself to do is to work

on the family history. The only surviving member of her parents'

generation is her Uncle Ted (her father's brother). He supplies her

with tapes of not only his memories, but of stories passed down to

him. She's discoved information about both sides of the family (one

German, the other Norwegian) and put it together. She is writing the

family history...and while she has no children, everyone else does.

It is her (and Uncle Ted's) legacy to their family. It is the one

passion that drags her out of bed and off the couch, even when the

pain and fatigue and naseau are bad.

I think all of us, even before cirrhosis became a part of our lives,

had good and bad days. I'm not quite sure why that is, but it seems

to be a common feeling. Some days are golden, some days are lead. I

have the feeling that when we are put under stress (as all of us

are), the peaks are higher and the lows are...sometimes pretty bad.

We really have to pull ourselves out of the lows, but sometimes

that's pretty difficult.

As far as our personal habits...working, not working; drinking,not

drinking...the truth is that probably all of us are making the best

decisions we can under the circumstances. The decisions may be " bad "

decisions, but they are often the only ones we see. As best as I can

tell (from receipts, credit card records, etc), Kjersten bought a

1.75 liter bottle of vodka for $9.99 on December 5th at Walgreens.

The bottle is still alive and well, but no longer full. Is she

drinking heavily every day? Obviously not. Is she even drinking

every day? Obviously not. Should she drink at all? Obviously not.

One drink is one drink too many.

She has been, at worst, a social drinker who might have one or two

vodka martinis when we went out to dinner. When she worked at home as

a graphic artist, she found herself not only under deadline. but

under deadline to be creative. She would have a drink in the

afternoon to relax...to help the creative process get past the

anxiety. There might be another drink at dinner. Sometimes there

was a drink in the evening if it was a hectic day...and if it was

really a difficult, tension-filled day, maybe another one late at

night to help her sleep.

Her doctors have refused to prescribe Paxil and any of the other

similar drugs because it's bad for her liver. So she does what

millions of other Americans do...she self-medicates. I'm not saying

that it's right; I'm not excusing it; I'm simply explaining why it

happens. Would it be good if she could go for a walk, take deep

breaths, say a prayer or a mantra (Ohmmmmmmm)? Yes, it would. But

she doesn't see that answer. Those things don't work for her.

" I'll just have a vodka and ginger ale (or orange juice or club soda)

and I'll be OK. " She'll come down from her anxiety, from her panic

attack and she'll be OK. Should she drink at all? Obviouly not.

Can she see any other solution to her problem that works for her?

Obviously not.

Finally (and I know this is very long), there seems to be some

question about sloughing off on the welfare system...people who don't

work and suck up " your " tax dollars. Aside from the simple fact that

both Kjersten and I have worked since we were teens, we both have

actually run businesses that employed other people. I had an

insurance agency that employed 15 people; she had a print shop in

Palm Beach, Florida with a staff of 12. We not only paid our social

security and medicare, we paid part of our employees fees as well.

In case you've never been an employer, you should know that the

people who employ you pay part of your social security and medicare

taxes as well as part of your medical insurance. We were not sucking

to the public trough; we were paying part of " your " way.

A year ago, being good, responsible folk...we had over $70,000 in

stocks and savings. Most of that is gone now because we did not go

on welfare but tried to pay our way. And yes, I'm sorry that neither

of us worked last year, but we did spend almost $70,000 on living and

medical expenses (and, surprise, since a lot of that was stock... we

get to pay capital gainns tax this year). My apolgies for not

working most of last year, but I lost vision in one eye and had two

eye surgeries, had a tumor tear off my stomach wall and cause

emornous loss of blood before the ambulance could get here, got a

rogue version of a virus that took the doctors four weeks to figure

out (all the while I was off-and-on running a temp of 104)

and...surprise, by the time they figured that out, I had spent so

much time in bed with the virus that I had develped " several " blood

clots in each lung. I got out of the hospital in August on a

walker. That was just in time to go through two hurricanes that left

85% of the homes in this county damaged (mine too!). We went 29 days

in September without electricity or running water. I'm really sorry I

wasn't working through all of that...I certainly would have preferred

doing that to what reality was shoved in my face.

And let's not talk about who is a citizen and when you became one.

Whatever your answer is, you lose. Kjersten is the newcomer. Her

families came here in the 1820's and 1830's. My families had been

here for a while before they signed that silly Declaration thing in

Philadelphia. And, actually, since my Dad's side is related to

Pocahanos...I don't care when you came here...my relatives greeted

your relatives.

And none of this is important to what we try to do on this site. We

all make bad decisions. In fact, we will continue to make bad

decisions, but we usually don't know it's bad until we've made it.

We always make the best decision we can considering the information

we have and the beliefs we carry into the process. The idea of this

web site is to provide support and encouragement to people who ag

through a very difficult time.

Sorry to be so long-winded...guess I had to get this off my chest.

Go fly a kite is one of the best ideas I've heard. Maybe we should

all try to do that this long weekend.

By the way, I'm in Vero Beach, Florida (yes, it was 84 in my back

yard this afternoon). Vero is between Palm Beach and the Kennedy

Space Center. It might be interesting to know where we all are...

Thanks for listening....

Dennis