Re: You are like a little boy trapped in a man.'

[Guest guest]

Really good work, Dwight. I'll say more later, but two thoughts for

now. #1 I was just working on some thoughts about " overeating comfort

food = infantile impulse = shame and fear of others judgment "

yesterday, so it was interesting that you brought this up. I started

to think about this word " infantile " being applied to adults, and the

shame it can evoke. Along the same continuum as your work. In my

story, anyway!

OK, and #2 -- I think your friend who said this to you is also

sensitive to the idea in himself, otherwise how would he see it in

you? Not that that has anything to do with your work, but maybe

helpful to know other people have stress in this area.

I bet we all have a lot of beliefs on what is a grownup? What is

mature? What is childish? etc.

Thanks for the good stuff.

>

> A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt

offended.

> Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is

sensitive,

> embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

>

> Thanks,

> Dwight

>

>

>

> " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

>

>

>

> 1. Is it true? I don't know.

>

>

>

> 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

>

>

>

> 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

>

> I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that

I'll

> never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people

will

> see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

>

>

>

> How does it feel physically?

>

> Like a stab in the chest.

>

>

>

> How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

>

> I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

> than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek

and

> confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing

help.

> I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I

feel

> like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I

sit

> with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting her

> to have all the answers, even though I know this has never worked.

> (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

> own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

> out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid

inside.

>

>

>

> How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

>

> I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making more

> money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I

don't

> know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared. I

> treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid inside,

> so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people

out

> of shame.

>

>

>

> How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

>

> I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask

for

> her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own

dinner,

> I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made.

(I

> also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

> given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

> for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened to

> go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

> felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read

more,

> or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> world, like there's no place for me in it.

>

>

>

> Where does my mind travel?

>

> To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame

and

> paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

> fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will make

> fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at me

> and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

> me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable

to

> fit in.

>

>

>

> Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

>

> Stress.

>

>

>

> When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

>

> A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason

for

> why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A

reason

> to stay scared.

>

>

>

> Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

>

> Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder

for

> me to meet my responsibilities.

>

>

>

> When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a

man's

> body? "

>

> Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> didn't.

>

>

>

> What caused you to believe this thought?

>

> I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy,

so

> that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

>

>

>

> What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

>

> Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not

practicing

> self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

>

>

>

> Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

>

> It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job,

cook

> for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

>

>

>

> Are these really stress-free?

>

> I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

> feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm

a

> failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem to

> make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to do

> things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or

not

> doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

>

>

>

> 4. Who would you be without the thought?

>

> I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature

in

> many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a

lot

> about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

> for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to

my

> sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less

afraid

> to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would

cook

> more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

>

>

>

> TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age:

in

> my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability to

> sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working

on

> difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting published,

> in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

>

>

>

> TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

>

> This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me

to

> do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and

organized.

>

>

>

> TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change

things.

> When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs I

> have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out

how

> I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

> instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.

>

[Guest guest]

This remind me of something that happened to me a couple of months

ago. This woman got really mad at me and she told me I was acting

like a 14-year old girl. And what happened in my mind then was that

I thought: 14-year olds - my favourite! I wasn´t offended because I

love teenagers. I have one myself and my home is often crowded with

them. They are amazing.

What´s wrong with acting like a boy from time to time? Small boys -

my favourite! They are so lovable! What I hear from you is that you

don´t like the little boy in you. What is wrong with him? If you

want you can make a list of all the faults you see in him. And then

question it. You could also make a list of all the things that is

good with this little boy, things he is good at for example.

You know, Hans often calls me his little girl, and what I see then

infront of me is a sweet, soft, open, loving little angel with

lightblond hair and tiny feet:).

So when your friend said " You are like a little boy trapped inside a

man " ,

she could be right. Maybe you have trapped this sweet, innocent

amazing little boy inside of you. And instead of feeling love for

him, you are ashamed of him. What´s not to love about little boys:)?

I love them a lot!

>

> A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt

offended.

> Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is

sensitive,

> embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

>

> Thanks,

> Dwight

>

>

>

> " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

>

>

>

> 1. Is it true? I don't know.

>

>

>

> 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

>

>

>

> 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

>

> I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that

I'll

> never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people

will

> see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

>

>

>

> How does it feel physically?

>

> Like a stab in the chest.

>

>

>

> How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

>

> I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

> than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek

and

> confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing

help.

> I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I

feel

> like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I

sit

> with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting

her

> to have all the answers, even though I know this has never

worked.

> (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

> own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

> out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid

inside.

>

>

>

> How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

>

> I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making

more

> money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I

don't

> know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared.

I

> treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid

inside,

> so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people

out

> of shame.

>

>

>

> How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

>

> I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask

for

> her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own

dinner,

> I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made.

(I

> also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

> given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

> for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened

to

> go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

> felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read

more,

> or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> world, like there's no place for me in it.

>

>

>

> Where does my mind travel?

>

> To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame

and

> paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

> fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will

make

> fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at

me

> and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

> me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable

to

> fit in.

>

>

>

> Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

>

> Stress.

>

>

>

> When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

>

> A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason

for

> why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A

reason

> to stay scared.

>

>

>

> Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

>

> Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder

for

> me to meet my responsibilities.

>

>

>

> When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a

man's

> body? "

>

> Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> didn't.

>

>

>

> What caused you to believe this thought?

>

> I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy,

so

> that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

>

>

>

> What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

>

> Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care

of

> myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not

practicing

> self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

>

>

>

> Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

>

> It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job,

cook

> for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

>

>

>

> Are these really stress-free?

>

> I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

> feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm

a

> failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem

to

> make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to

do

> things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or

not

> doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

>

>

>

> 4. Who would you be without the thought?

>

> I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature

in

> many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a

lot

> about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

> for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to

my

> sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less

afraid

> to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would

cook

> more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

>

>

>

> TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age:

in

> my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability

to

> sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working

on

> difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting

published,

> in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

>

>

>

> TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

>

> This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me

to

> do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and

organized.

>

>

>

> TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's

body.

>

> Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change

things.

> When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs

I

> have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out

how

> I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

> instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Dwight,

thank you for opening so much.

May I ask: is this a thought you sometimes have and does it hurt by

itself? Or is it when someone else says it, that hurts? Would a

" perfect " world be one where no one is saying that to you?

I am asking, because of the way you treat others, when you believe

the thought. Sounds like you get off balance when someone actually

says the words, rather than when the thought comes up for you.

And I don't see how keeping the thought would motivate you to do

something. That's not what I hear from the rest of your work.

When going into question 3 and 4, I like to see the difference with

and without the thought, in the same situation. Don't concentrate on

the change that may take place. Try to see how it feels, inside, when

someone says these words, and you believe them, towards how it feels,

when you don't

I would like to comment on this part (I don't feel it's what you

asked not to do) :

> Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not practicing

> self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

First, I like how you found examples, of how you are self-reliant,

sometimes.

The other stuff, is that a permanent state you are in? Has it ever

been different?

I find the scary part about a thought such as " I am thisorthat " is,

that it feels true, and it feels like it was an eternal state. That's

when it becomes most painful. Change has always taken place, so far,

and I haven't ever been in a situation when I did not know what to

do. Sometimes I forget that, and then it's gentle to remember.

Because when I do I trust that no matter what situation I am in,

change will take place, it gets me out of this feeling of being

doomed, or trapped. Or doomed to be trapped.

Find some examples of how you do take care of yourself, and where you

do take responsibilities. And remember how sometimes you have not

felt like being a (helpless, needy) child.

Love,

Am 28.01.2006 um 17:03 schrieb Dwight:

> A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt offended.

> Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is sensitive,

> embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

>

> Thanks,

> Dwight

>

>

>

> " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

>

>

>

> 1. Is it true? I don't know.

>

>

>

> 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

>

>

>

> 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

>

> I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that I'll

> never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people will

> see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

>

>

>

> How does it feel physically?

>

> Like a stab in the chest.

>

>

>

> How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

>

> I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

> than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek and

> confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing help.

> I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I feel

> like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I sit

> with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting her

> to have all the answers, even though I know this has never worked.

> (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

> own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

> out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid inside.

>

>

>

> How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

>

> I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making more

> money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I don't

> know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared. I

> treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid inside,

> so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people out

> of shame.

>

>

>

> How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

>

> I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask for

> her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own dinner,

> I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made. (I

> also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

> given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

> for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened to

> go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

> felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read more,

> or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> world, like there's no place for me in it.

>

>

>

> Where does my mind travel?

>

> To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame and

> paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

> fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will make

> fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at me

> and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

> me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable to

> fit in.

>

>

>

> Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

>

> Stress.

>

>

>

> When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

>

> A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason for

> why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A reason

> to stay scared.

>

>

>

> Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

>

> Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder for

> me to meet my responsibilities.

>

>

>

> When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a man's

> body? "

>

> Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> didn't.

>

>

>

> What caused you to believe this thought?

>

> I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy, so

> that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

>

>

>

> What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

>

> Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not practicing

> self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

>

>

>

> Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

>

> It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job, cook

> for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

>

>

>

> Are these really stress-free?

>

> I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

> feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm a

> failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem to

> make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to do

> things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or not

> doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

>

>

>

> 4. Who would you be without the thought?

>

> I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature in

> many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a lot

> about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

> for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to my

> sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less afraid

> to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would cook

> more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

>

>

>

> TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age: in

> my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability to

> sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working on

> difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting published,

> in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

>

>

>

> TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

>

> This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me to

> do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and organized.

>

>

>

> TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change things.

> When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs I

> have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out how

> I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

> instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.

___________________________________________________________

Telefonate ohne weitere Kosten vom PC zum PC: http://messenger.yahoo.de

[Guest guest]

>

> Dear Dwight,

>

> thank you for opening so much.

>

> May I ask: is this a thought you sometimes have and does it hurt by

> itself? Or is it when someone else says it, that hurts? Would a

> " perfect " world be one where no one is saying that to you?

>

> I am asking, because of the way you treat others, when you believe

> the thought. Sounds like you get off balance when someone actually

> says the words, rather than when the thought comes up for you.

*** I have often had the thought I am immature and it mostly has to do with not

being financially independent. It doesn't hurt nearly as much when I hear from

myself as when someone says it to me. I don't recall ever thinking to myself

those exact words my friend said, but I have felt that way, sometimes more than

others.

>

> And I don't see how keeping the thought would motivate you to do

> something. That's not what I hear from the rest of your work.

>

> When going into question 3 and 4, I like to see the difference with

> and without the thought, in the same situation. Don't concentrate on

> the change that may take place. Try to see how it feels, inside, when

> someone says these words, and you believe them, towards how it feels,

> when you don't

***Well, I think it makes me angry either way. If I believe what she said I

also feel a bit more insecure. I guess it also depends on how I interpret it.

If I take " little boy " to mean spontaneous, creative, fun, cute, etc., then it

doesn't bother me. It bothers me when I take it to mean helpless, needy,

dependent, confused, etc.

>

> I would like to comment on this part (I don't feel it's what you

> asked not to do) :

> > Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> > these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> > myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not practicing

> > self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> > rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

> First, I like how you found examples, of how you are self-reliant,

> sometimes.

>

> The other stuff, is that a permanent state you are in? Has it ever

> been different?

***No you're right. It's not a permanent state. There have been times when I've

kept my apartment very clean and fairly well-organized. This has become more of

an issue for me lately. There have also been times when I have taken great care

of myself physically. The main thing that's been constant has been the lack of

financial independence, also the emotional dependency on my mother, but that has

decreased a lot recently.

>

> I find the scary part about a thought such as " I am thisorthat " is,

> that it feels true, and it feels like it was an eternal state. That's

> when it becomes most painful. Change has always taken place, so far,

> and I haven't ever been in a situation when I did not know what to

> do. Sometimes I forget that, and then it's gentle to remember.

> Because when I do I trust that no matter what situation I am in,

> change will take place, it gets me out of this feeling of being

> doomed, or trapped. Or doomed to be trapped.

Yes, good point. And I do feel like I've finally found my calling now. I have

two masters degrees, one in Religion and one in Creative Writing but neither has

afforded me a career. I've decided now I'd like to go into counseling. I've

always loved psychology and it doesn't feel like work to me to help others. I

volunteer as a Crisis Intervention counselor already, so I have some idea what

it's like; plus I've been in therapy myself quite a bit.

Thanks, .

~Dwight

>

> Find some examples of how you do take care of yourself, and where you

> do take responsibilities. And remember how sometimes you have not

> felt like being a (helpless, needy) child.

>

> Love,

>

>

>

> Am 28.01.2006 um 17:03 schrieb Dwight:

>

> > A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt offended.

> > Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is sensitive,

> > embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> > appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Dwight

> >

> >

> >

> > " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

> >

> >

> >

> > 1. Is it true? I don't know.

> >

> >

> >

> > 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

> >

> >

> >

> > 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

> >

> > I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that I'll

> > never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people will

> > see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

> >

> >

> >

> > How does it feel physically?

> >

> > Like a stab in the chest.

> >

> >

> >

> > How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

> >

> > I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> > intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

> > than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek and

> > confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing help.

> > I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I feel

> > like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I sit

> > with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting her

> > to have all the answers, even though I know this has never worked.

> > (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> > depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

> > own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

> > out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> > ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid inside.

> >

> >

> >

> > How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

> >

> > I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making more

> > money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> > financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I don't

> > know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared. I

> > treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid inside,

> > so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people out

> > of shame.

> >

> >

> >

> > How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

> >

> > I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> > incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask for

> > her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own dinner,

> > I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made. (I

> > also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

> > given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

> > for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> > wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened to

> > go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

> > felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read more,

> > or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> > world, like there's no place for me in it.

> >

> >

> >

> > Where does my mind travel?

> >

> > To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> > around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame and

> > paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

> > fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will make

> > fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at me

> > and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

> > me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable to

> > fit in.

> >

> >

> >

> > Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

> >

> > Stress.

> >

> >

> >

> > When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

> >

> > A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason for

> > why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A reason

> > to stay scared.

> >

> >

> >

> > Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

> >

> > Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> > embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder for

> > me to meet my responsibilities.

> >

> >

> >

> > When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a man's

> > body? "

> >

> > Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> > didn't.

> >

> >

> >

> > What caused you to believe this thought?

> >

> > I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy, so

> > that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

> >

> >

> >

> > What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

> >

> > Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> > these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> > myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not practicing

> > self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> > rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

> >

> >

> >

> > Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

> >

> > It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job, cook

> > for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

> >

> >

> >

> > Are these really stress-free?

> >

> > I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

> > feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm a

> > failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem to

> > make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to do

> > things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> > ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or not

> > doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

> >

> >

> >

> > 4. Who would you be without the thought?

> >

> > I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature in

> > many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> > working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> > problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a lot

> > about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

> > for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to my

> > sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> > circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> > dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less afraid

> > to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would cook

> > more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

> >

> > Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age: in

> > my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability to

> > sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working on

> > difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting published,

> > in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

> >

> > This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> > physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me to

> > do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> > take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and organized.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

> >

> > Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> > external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> > becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change things.

> > When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs I

> > have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out how

> > I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

> > instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ___________________________________________________________

> Telefonate ohne weitere Kosten vom PC zum PC: http://messenger.yahoo.de

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Dwight,

I just love this work...it is very nice to meet the little boy in you.

When I reread this turnaround (I am a man trapped inside a little

boy's body) I wonder if you if you ever felt like you had to be a man

or grown up when you were a little boy? Was that your experience too

since you mention having a tough childhood?

I also think about how you could free that trapped little boy now and

listen to what he wants and what would make his heart sing. You could

be the one to take care of him and listen to him....

I'm sorry if there are any typos...I'm very tired right now...

I hope this is gentle enough.

Love, nne

TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me to

do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and organized.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, .

This was very kind. This was also the way my friend tried to get me

to look at it after I admitted to her I was hurt by what she said. I

did make a list of things that are good about " being like a little

boy. "

Positive things about being like a little boy:

1. I have quirky, silly sense of humor.

2. I am spontaneous (sometimes).

3. I do what I want to do and can therefore stay focused for long

periods of time.

4. I'm not too embarassed to ask for help.

5. I can be the student, not the teacher; therefore I learn more than

those who think they must always be the one with the answers.

6. I feel things strongly; my heart is not closed off.

7. It can be cute to be befuddled; some people open up to me more

that way.

8. I have an open mind and can give up beliefs and belief systems

when they no longer serve me or make sense.

9. I have an innate sense of right and wrong.

10. I like to build snowmen.

Negative things about being like a little boy:

1. I don't want to get angry so easily.

2. I don't want to be needy or feel helpless.

3. I don't want to be financially dependent on my parents.

4. I don't want to get hurt and offended so easily.

5. I don't want to be tactless.

6. I don't want to feel intimidated by strangers and authority

figures.

7. My relationship with my mother should be more reciprocal.

8. Not doing my own grocery shopping and cooking.

9. Not keepking my apartment cleaner and better organized.

~Dwight

>

> This remind me of something that happened to me a couple of months

> ago. This woman got really mad at me and she told me I was acting

> like a 14-year old girl. And what happened in my mind then was that

> I thought: 14-year olds - my favourite! I wasn´t offended because I

> love teenagers. I have one myself and my home is often crowded with

> them. They are amazing.

>

> What´s wrong with acting like a boy from time to time? Small boys -

> my favourite! They are so lovable! What I hear from you is that you

> don´t like the little boy in you. What is wrong with him? If you

> want you can make a list of all the faults you see in him. And then

> question it. You could also make a list of all the things that is

> good with this little boy, things he is good at for example.

>

> You know, Hans often calls me his little girl, and what I see then

> infront of me is a sweet, soft, open, loving little angel with

> lightblond hair and tiny feet:).

>

> So when your friend said " You are like a little boy trapped inside

a

> man " ,

> she could be right. Maybe you have trapped this sweet, innocent

> amazing little boy inside of you. And instead of feeling love for

> him, you are ashamed of him. What´s not to love about little boys:)?

>

> I love them a lot!

>

>

>

> >

> > A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt

> offended.

> > Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is

> sensitive,

> > embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> > appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Dwight

> >

> >

> >

> > " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

> >

> >

> >

> > 1. Is it true? I don't know.

> >

> >

> >

> > 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

> >

> >

> >

> > 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

> >

> > I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that

> I'll

> > never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people

> will

> > see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

> >

> >

> >

> > How does it feel physically?

> >

> > Like a stab in the chest.

> >

> >

> >

> > How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

> >

> > I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> > intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better

childhoods

> > than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek

> and

> > confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing

> help.

> > I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I

> feel

> > like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I

> sit

> > with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting

> her

> > to have all the answers, even though I know this has never

> worked.

> > (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> > depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on

my

> > own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life

figured

> > out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> > ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid

> inside.

> >

> >

> >

> > How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

> >

> > I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making

> more

> > money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> > financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I

> don't

> > know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared.

> I

> > treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid

> inside,

> > so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people

> out

> > of shame.

> >

> >

> >

> > How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

> >

> > I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> > incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask

> for

> > her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own

> dinner,

> > I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has

made.

> (I

> > also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather

has

> > given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough

money

> > for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> > wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened

> to

> > go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I

have

> > felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read

> more,

> > or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> > world, like there's no place for me in it.

> >

> >

> >

> > Where does my mind travel?

> >

> > To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> > around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame

> and

> > paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm

a

> > fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will

> make

> > fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at

> me

> > and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked

on

> > me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable

> to

> > fit in.

> >

> >

> >

> > Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

> >

> > Stress.

> >

> >

> >

> > When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

> >

> > A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason

> for

> > why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A

> reason

> > to stay scared.

> >

> >

> >

> > Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

> >

> > Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> > embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder

> for

> > me to meet my responsibilities.

> >

> >

> >

> > When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a

> man's

> > body? "

> >

> > Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> > didn't.

> >

> >

> >

> > What caused you to believe this thought?

> >

> > I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy,

> so

> > that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

> >

> >

> >

> > What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

> >

> > Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> > these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care

> of

> > myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not

> practicing

> > self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my

own

> > rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

> >

> >

> >

> > Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

> >

> > It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job,

> cook

> > for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

> >

> >

> >

> > Are these really stress-free?

> >

> > I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet.

It

> > feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else

I'm

> a

> > failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem

> to

> > make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to

> do

> > things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> > ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or

> not

> > doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

> >

> >

> >

> > 4. Who would you be without the thought?

> >

> > I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel

mature

> in

> > many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> > working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> > problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a

> lot

> > about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to

criticism,

> > for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener

to

> my

> > sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> > circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> > dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less

> afraid

> > to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would

> cook

> > more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

> >

> > Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my

age:

> in

> > my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability

> to

> > sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working

> on

> > difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting

> published,

> > in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

> >

> > This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical

and

> > physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for

me

> to

> > do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> > take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and

> organized.

> >

> >

> >

> > TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's

> body.

> >

> > Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> > external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> > becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change

> things.

> > When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs

> I

> > have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out

> how

> > I was better able to be independent at other times in my life,

for

> > instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate

school.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, nne. I have sometimes felt like I had to be a man to my

mother when I was growing up. This was because my stepfather was not

very emotionally available. So I've been my mother's confidant in

lots of ways. Thanks for your kind, and yes, gentle words.

Love,

Dwight

>

> Hi Dwight,

>

> I just love this work...it is very nice to meet the little boy in

you.

>

> When I reread this turnaround (I am a man trapped inside a little

> boy's body) I wonder if you if you ever felt like you had to be a

man

> or grown up when you were a little boy? Was that your experience too

> since you mention having a tough childhood?

>

> I also think about how you could free that trapped little boy now

and

> listen to what he wants and what would make his heart sing. You

could

> be the one to take care of him and listen to him....

>

> I'm sorry if there are any typos...I'm very tired right now...

>

> I hope this is gentle enough.

>

> Love, nne

>

> TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

>

> This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me

to

> do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and organized.

>

[Guest guest]

IM like a little girl . I think i am some how stopped by something

from my past i dont know what. I wonder if you had a very traumatic

experience as a child. ?

my hsuband says i sound like a little kid - on the phone.

I have a friend who was raised by her grandparents who i think wanted

her to be dependent.. and i wonder if your mom really enjoys your

dependency.

HEr grandparents passed away but she lives in thier house.. and has

since she was about 6 shes 54.

my friend has diabetes so i think theres a lot of health issues as

well.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Theres probably lots of

us.. love, roslyn

>

> A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt

offended.

> Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is

sensitive,

> embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments are

> appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

>

> Thanks,

> Dwight

>

>

>

> " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

>

>

>

> 1. Is it true? I don't know.

>

>

>

> 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

>

>

>

> 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

>

> I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless, that

I'll

> never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid people

will

> see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

>

>

>

> How does it feel physically?

>

> Like a stab in the chest.

>

>

>

> How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

>

> I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better childhoods

> than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act meek

and

> confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing

help.

> I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance. I

feel

> like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help. I

sit

> with my mother and talk to her about all my problems, expecting her

> to have all the answers, even though I know this has never worked.

> (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I still

> depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it on my

> own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life figured

> out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid

inside.

>

>

>

> How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

>

> I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making more

> money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents for

> financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it. I

don't

> know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and scared. I

> treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid inside,

> so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid people

out

> of shame.

>

>

>

> How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

>

> I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to ask

for

> her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own

dinner,

> I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has made.

(I

> also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather has

> given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough money

> for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real father,

> wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too frightened to

> go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I have

> felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to read

more,

> or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter the

> world, like there's no place for me in it.

>

>

>

> Where does my mind travel?

>

> To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with me

> around people in social settings. To this feeling of great shame

and

> paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that I'm a

> fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will make

> fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed at me

> and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded, picked on

> me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different, unable

to

> fit in.

>

>

>

> Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

>

> Stress.

>

>

>

> When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

>

> A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A reason

for

> why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A

reason

> to stay scared.

>

>

>

> Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

>

> Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it harder

for

> me to meet my responsibilities.

>

>

>

> When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside a

man's

> body? "

>

> Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> didn't.

>

>

>

> What caused you to believe this thought?

>

> I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming needy,

so

> that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

>

>

>

> What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

>

> Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need all

> these other people to help me figure things out, not taking care of

> myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not

practicing

> self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my own

> rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

>

>

>

> Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

>

> It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a job,

cook

> for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

>

>

>

> Are these really stress-free?

>

> I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me yet. It

> feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else I'm

a

> failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame seem to

> make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder to do

> things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing or

not

> doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

>

>

>

> 4. Who would you be without the thought?

>

> I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel mature

in

> many ways—for working hard to get an education, for aggressively

> working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all my

> problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding a

lot

> about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to criticism,

> for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good listener to

my

> sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given my

> circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less

afraid

> to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I would

cook

> more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

>

>

>

> TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my age:

in

> my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my ability to

> sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence working

on

> difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting published,

> in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

>

>

>

> TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

>

> This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical and

> physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult for me

to

> do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a job,

> take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and

organized.

>

>

>

> TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

>

> Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, " that

> becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change

things.

> When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good jobs I

> have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block out

how

> I was better able to be independent at other times in my life, for

> instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate school.

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > This remind me of something that happened to me a couple of

months

> > ago. This woman got really mad at me and she told me I was

acting

> > like a 14-year old girl. And what happened in my mind then was

that

> > I thought: 14-year olds - my favourite! I wasn´t offended

because I

> > love teenagers. I have one myself and my home is often crowded

with

> > them. They are amazing.

> >

> > What´s wrong with acting like a boy from time to time? Small

boys -

> > my favourite! They are so lovable! What I hear from you is that

you

> > don´t like the little boy in you. What is wrong with him? If you

> > want you can make a list of all the faults you see in him. And

then

> > question it. You could also make a list of all the things that

is

> > good with this little boy, things he is good at for example.

> >

> > You know, Hans often calls me his little girl, and what I see

then

> > infront of me is a sweet, soft, open, loving little angel with

> > lightblond hair and tiny feet:).

> >

> > So when your friend said " You are like a little boy trapped

inside

> a

> > man " ,

> > she could be right. Maybe you have trapped this sweet, innocent

> > amazing little boy inside of you. And instead of feeling love

for

> > him, you are ashamed of him. What´s not to love about little

boys:)?

> >

> > I love them a lot!

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> > > A friend of mine said this to me and it hit a nerve. I felt

> > offended.

> > > Probably because it is true and I was denying it. This is

> > sensitive,

> > > embarassing work for me. Please be gentle. General comments

are

> > > appreciated, not line by line dissection, please.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Dwight

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > " You are like a little boy trapped inside a man. "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > 1. Is it true? I don't know.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > 2. Can I absolutely know it's true? No.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > 3. How do you react when you think that thought?

> > >

> > > I feel humiliated and ashamed. I feel like it's hopeless,

that

> > I'll

> > > never grow up. I want to run and hide because I'm afraid

people

> > will

> > > see the vulnerable, immature little kid in me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > How does it feel physically?

> > >

> > > Like a stab in the chest.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > How do I treat others when I believe this thought?

> > >

> > > I treat them as superior, more mature. I feel frightened and

> > > intimidated by them. I envy them for having had better

> childhoods

> > > than I did. I envy them for seeming more " grown up. " I act

meek

> > and

> > > confused around them. I come across as befuddled and needing

> > help.

> > > I seek out help because I don't trust my own inner guidance.

I

> > feel

> > > like I can't do the Work on my own, that I need lots of help.

I

> > sit

> > > with my mother and talk to her about all my problems,

expecting

> > her

> > > to have all the answers, even though I know this has never

> > worked.

> > > (I feel embarrassed and ashamed and naked writing this.) I

still

> > > depend on my parents financially. I believe I can't make it

on

> my

> > > own. I see other people my age (34) as having gotten life

> figured

> > > out, while I haven't. I can't make eye contact because I feel

> > > ashamed; paranoid they will see that I'm still a little kid

> > inside.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > How do I treat myself when I think this thought?

> > >

> > > I berate myself for not being more independent, for not making

> > more

> > > money, for not having a career yet, for relying on my parents

for

> > > financial and emotional support. I worry intensely about it.

I

> > don't

> > > know what to do. I feel confused. I feel befuddled and

scared.

> > I

> > > treat myself like a little kid. I believe I am a little kid

> > inside,

> > > so I act like one, evading my responsibilities. I avoid

people

> > out

> > > of shame.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > How have I lived my life because I believed this thought?

> > >

> > > I have sought out my mother's help too much, believing I was

> > > incapable of doing things on my own. I have felt the need to

ask

> > for

> > > her advice about nearly everything. Instead of making my own

> > dinner,

> > > I go over to my parent's house and eat the dinner my mom has

> made.

> > (I

> > > also go there for the company). I rely on money my stepfather

> has

> > > given me to get by. The jobs I have had have not paid enough

> money

> > > for me to live on. I have felt ashamed around my real

father,

> > > wanting to be more of a " real man. " I often feel too

frightened

> > to

> > > go to sleep at night. I feel safer when the sun comes up. I

> have

> > > felt like I'm never prepared enough, like I always need to

read

> > more,

> > > or get more degrees. I have felt like I'm not ready to enter

the

> > > world, like there's no place for me in it.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Where does my mind travel?

> > >

> > > To all the times I've felt like there was something wrong with

me

> > > around people in social settings. To this feeling of great

shame

> > and

> > > paranoia. To the feeling that others will find me out, that

I'm

> a

> > > fraud and a weakling and spoiled and the fear that others will

> > make

> > > fun of me or punish me. To times when " friends " have laughed

at

> > me

> > > and made fun of me, treated me like I was semi-retarded,

picked

> on

> > > me, hurt me physically. How I have always felt different,

unable

> > to

> > > fit in.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?

> > >

> > > Stress.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > When you hold that belief, what do you get out of it?

> > >

> > > A reason to avoid taking care of my responsibilities. A

reason

> > for

> > > why I have failed at my previous attempts to find a career. A

> > reason

> > > to stay scared.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Can you see a reason to drop the thought?

> > >

> > > Yes, it seems to cause these feelings of intense shame,

> > > embarrassment, and fear of being " found out. " It makes it

harder

> > for

> > > me to meet my responsibilities.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > When did I first feel like I was a " little kid trapped inside

a

> > man's

> > > body? "

> > >

> > > Probably in high school when most of my friends got jobs and I

> > > didn't.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > What caused you to believe this thought?

> > >

> > > I don't know. Maybe being too easily offended and seeming

needy,

> > so

> > > that my mother and others felt the need to coddle me.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > What prevents you from feeling like an adult now?

> > >

> > > Not having a career, a job, being single, feeling like I need

all

> > > these other people to help me figure things out, not taking

care

> > of

> > > myself, not keeping my apartment clean and organized, not

> > practicing

> > > self-reliance. (Although I am being self-reliant when I pay my

> own

> > > rent, when I do the Work, when I exercise.)

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Can you see a stress-free reason to keep this thought?

> > >

> > > It might motivate me to grow up, be more independent, get a

job,

> > cook

> > > for myself, clean my apartment, get organized.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Are these really stress-free?

> > >

> > > I don't know. The thought doesn't seem to have helped me

yet.

> It

> > > feels more like a threat, that I'd better grow up soon or else

> I'm

> > a

> > > failure, than something I want to do. The stress and shame

seem

> > to

> > > make me depressed, fearful and ashamed, which makes it harder

to

> > do

> > > things. But part of me still thinks I should feel guilty and

> > > ashamed. Why? Because society says all these things I'm doing

or

> > not

> > > doing are wrong, shameful, pathetic, etc.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > 4. Who would you be without the thought?

> > >

> > > I would be proud of what I have accomplished. I would feel

> mature

> > in

> > > many ways—for working hard to get an education, for

aggressively

> > > working on my problems, for trying to get to the root of all

my

> > > problems: my thinking. I would feel mature for understanding

a

> > lot

> > > about human nature, for learning to be less reactive to

> criticism,

> > > for making amends with my stepfather, for being a good

listener

> to

> > my

> > > sister. For doing the absolute best I can and could do, given

my

> > > circumstances. For dealing well with a disability: spasmodic

> > > dysphonia. I would be willing to try harder. I would be less

> > afraid

> > > to do things on my own, less afraid of making mistakes. I

would

> > cook

> > > more for myself. I would find it easier to look for jobs.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > TA: I am not a little boy trapped inside a man's body.

> > >

> > > Yes, there are many ways in which I'm actually mature for my

> age:

> > in

> > > my self-understanding and understanding of others, in my

ability

> > to

> > > sympathize and care about others in pain, in my diligence

working

> > on

> > > difficult academic projects, in writing well and getting

> > published,

> > > in my capacity to be alone without freaking out.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > TA: I am a man trapped inside a little boy's body.

> > >

> > > This is difficult to see. Maybe in the sense that my chemical

> and

> > > physical make up—social anxiety, ADD—make it more difficult

for

> me

> > to

> > > do the things I think a " man " should do, like get and hold a

job,

> > > take better care of myself, keep my apartment clean and

> > organized.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > TA: My thinking is like a little boy trapped inside a man's

> > body.

> > >

> > > Yes, when I tell myself I can't do certain things, that I need

> > > external help. When I think " I'm just like a little boy, "

that

> > > becomes my reality. When I believe I'm helpless to change

> > things.

> > > When I forget all the ways in which I am mature and the good

jobs

> > I

> > > have had, like teaching and working at Pearsons. I also block

out

> > how

> > > I was better able to be independent at other times in my life,

> for

> > > instance when I was living in Chicago and going to graduate

> school.

> > >

> >

>