a cursory study of the Torode letter

[Guest guest]

AN OPEN LETTER ABOUT OPEN EMBRACE

Five years (and three children) down the road from writing Open Embrace,

we've inevitably changed somewhat. Since we still get letters from people

assuming that we haven't changed at all, we wanted to give a brief update.

For starters, we joined the Greek Orthodox Church and are now in closer

agreement with what some Orthodox have written on this topic (see The

Sacrament of Love by Evdokimov and Marriage: An Orthodox Perspective by

Meyendorff). The book we recently edited, Aflame: Ancient Wisdom on

Marriage, reflects this, especially in that we have no quotes on sex from

Augustine, Jerome, and the Great -- three major fathers of the

Western church, in whose writings you are hard-pressed to find anything

positive about sex.

The major thing that I find jumping out at me in this prior paragraph is a

notion of separation that underlies the entire paragraph. The very first

sentence of the paragraph shows the disunity in Orthodoxy as the Torode's

are showing where they are moving philosophically/morally in respects to

belief about sexuality to agree with what some people in their new Church

have written but there is no defined reality inside Orthodoxy in regards to

this. On the surface it appears that they have found a group of individuals

inside Orthodoxy to agree with or that fit their needs but have not found

anything resembling the authority of Christ to align themselves too. The

second, and quite possibly more scandalous, is the undertone of rejection of

some of the " Western Church Fathers " almost as if it is a disease to belong

to that group. It is understandable that it could appear that the subjects

mentioned may have a peripherally negative attitude towards human sexuality

but they must also be understood in the context in which they came from and

under which they wrote. Just by doing a simple and quick web search I was

able to come up with a very enlightening and scholarly web article that

covers how Augustine is not as anti-sexual as many think he is. In fact,

the article shows how Augustine believes that properly ordered sexuality is

something that is holy.

http://www.jknirp.com/aug3.htm

It is also interesting that the Torode's overlook some of the quotations

from the Church Father's in the east (chrystosm and Cyril of andria to

name a few) that were quoted at the council of Nicea in reference to the

evil of self-sterilization.

It cannot be a matter of east versus west for there is only one Body of

Christ; reality, truth and eternal law know no geographical boundaries.

Second, our personal experience in the past five years has shown that we had

a lot to learn about NFP, and that there is a dark side we weren't aware of.

Though Open Embrace said that it only involves a short period of abstinence,

we didn't know that during breastfeeding cycles it often involves month-long

periods of abstinence and dehabilitating stress. During such times (as well

as during menopause and stressful life seasons), strict NFP reaches a point

where it is more harmful for a marriage than good.

Now we arrive at several very interesting points that must be dealt with, we

are approaching the meat and potatoes so-to-speak. I do believe that all

people that use NFP learn much about it as they come to use it. I know that

is true for my wife and I in our personal experience. However, the response

of the couple to that learning and the struggles involved here are a huge

factor in determining the success and attitude that is directed at NFP. The

use of the phrase " dark side " specifically brings up images of evil and

horror's that cannot be described for they reside in the shadows. Maybe

this is partly the fault of instruction or of the NFP establishment in

general. I will not disagree that long and irregular periods can be or are

a stress on the marital relationship. However, the response to stress is

what determines if it causes a break or makes the marital bond stronger.

The NFP establishment may need to come to grips with the fact that it needs

to be more forthright with some of the realities and struggles with

ambiguous cycles. Instead of a passing mention and referral to a few

brochures more practical advice and a focus on theological conversion to

truth in the hearts of the learner's may be something that is very

important.

I do find it odd that the Torode's believe that month long periods of

abstinence can lead to dehabilitating stress. This is simply discounted by

the fact that much longer periods of abstinence are undertaken by anyone who

is single without them ending up on a psychologists couch just because they

aren't sexually active. I will and must admit that it can be different for

someone who is married but I do know several married people that I work with

who undergo long periods of abstinence for a variety of reasons (social,

business and military obligations) and are not dehabilitated by stress.

To the very last point where it is aggregiously claimed that strict usage of

NFP is more harmful than good to a marriage I would take issue at several

levels. The first is that we must consider what the " good " is and what

makes a marriage " good " . Is sex what makes the marriage good or is sex the

good itself? I find this to be a horrible thought that is very pagan and

animalistic. We must remember that sex was designed as a means and

expression to an end. Sex is a component of marriage that allows humanity

to propogate itself with the cooperation of God and helps bond two spouses

together. Both of these two items are things that help us achieve the

ultimate good that is union with God. If I never could have sexual

relations with my spouse again but in doing so was able to help her get to

heaven, I would hope (though it would be hard) that I would gladly undertake

that cross for a short part of time to help her be happy in eternity.

Another good point in reference to this that we will have to return to in a

short while is something that a very intelligent woman stated. Would not a

more appropriate question be to ask: Wouldn't the usage of Artificial Birth

Control be more harmful than NFP? ABC would have a definitive negative

impact when NFP is designed to promote an opportunity. Yes, in avoiding

pregnancy that opportunity may be to carry a cross but I do seem to remember

reading in the Bible something about taking up our crosses and following

Christ.

Many Christians believe that the " self " is totally depraved or fundamentally

evil (thank you, Augustine and Calvin). Shades of this influenced our

perspective in Open Embrace and our attraction to NFP. We now fully believe

in the power of the Resurrection and we no longer live our lives constantly

on the alert for " selfishness. " Yes, we are marred by sin, but God has given

us new hearts with his image strongly growing in them -- which means our

deepest desires are true and good (see Waking the Dead by Eldredge).

One example: wanting to make love to your spouse often is a good thing, but

NFP often lays an unfair burden of guilt on men for feeling this.

Regardless of what many Christians have come to believe through reading a

few cited authors (again, return to the above lecture on Augustine) and

quite possibly misinterpreting reality (the devil never stops trying to lead

us astray) has no effect on what Truth is. I am glad that the Torode's

believe in the power of the Ressurection. The power of the Ressurection is

a wonderful thing. The resurrection is what allows us to spend eternity

with God. The one thing that we must remember and that is so often

forgotten and it is a simple Truth that is irrefutable: without the Cross

there is no Resurrection. The Cross is the road to purification of our

fallen condition. There is no denying that we are in a fallen state. The

Torode's themselves admit we are marred by sin. There is no denial that

this affects our actions and our relationship with God. The book of

Revelation specifically mentions the fact that nothing unclean can be in the

presence of God, we must be purified. Yes, we are people of the

resurrection but we live under the weight of the cross.

Yes, our deepest desires are good. However, one must be careful by what is

meant by deepest desires. The other end of the equation is how those

desires are ordered. The desires, marred by sin, were still placed by God.

The desires of Adam and Eve were good and placed by God but they became

disordered. A Christian is not immune to that just because the image of God

is growing in them; remember that Adam and Eve were created in the image and

likeness of God. One example of this I can easily display is that it is a

good and deep seated desire to want to protect my family. It is a mirror of

the desire that God has to protect us. However, if the order I apply to

that desire is one that leads me to go and preemptively kill every pedophile

I can get my hands on to " protect my family " there is an obvious disorder.

In regards to the example presented at the end of the paragraph a whole

dissertation could probably be written. First, it is a good thing to desire

the one flesh union with your spouse, unless of course you have some type of

exotic communicable rash. It would at a minimum be imprudent to go ahead

with what would otherwise be a " good " act. Second, we must also remember

that this is mainly applicable to just one aspect of NFP, avoiding

pregnancy. This should only be done for serious reasons. It is my

contention that with a serious reason God does provide the grace to deal

with the need for abstinence. However, a lack of motivation is probably an

indicator in the lack of commitment to retaining the sexual act as God

designed it, a sign of immaturity, a need for grace, a less than serious

reason for avoiding pregnancy or some combination of the above.

I also have a hard time understanding how a system of mutual fertility

awareness places guilt on a man. Guilt is something that a man incurs by

his actions and his awareness of them. A guilt trip is something that

another party places on someone to make them feel bad for feeling a certain

way. I also imagine that a woman could be tempted with feelings of guilt as

well.

We still believe in the " language of the body " --which informs our rejection

of some aspects of NFP. How is it that spouses are saying " yes " to the gift

of each other when they end up abstaining for much of their married lives

(from the aforementioned breastfeeding cycles, pregnancy exhaustion, or

energy being diverted into raising kids)? We also see honest congruity with

the language of the body by saying " no " to conception with our bodies (via

barrier methods or sensual massage) when our minds and hearts are also

saying " no " to conception. We don't believe this angers God, nor that it

leads to the slippery slope of relativism or divorce. We strongly disagree

with the Catholic Church that this is a mortal sin.

The language of the body is a very important aspect in learning about God.

Remember that we are made in the image and likeness of God and so a study of

how we are created and designed to function definitively shows something

about God. First, let us tackle the question that is presented. How do I

say yes to the gift of my wife by abstaining? I accept the gift how it is

given even when I do not use it much like many other gifts that I have been

given over my short 28 years. I do not use every gift I have ever been

given constantly. I strive to use them when appropriate. I say " yes " not

just to receiving the gift and taking custody of it but also to the

intention of the gift. Be the gift a radio, car or a tool by respecting its

function I am saying " yes " to that gift for what it is and not for what it

is not. I do not understand how my wife and I will abstain for much of our

married lives just because of our generous (though it is tough at times)

acceptance of NFP and openness to life. Yes, we may not swing from the

chandeliers days a week but we are still able to come together as one and

express our love for each other. Personally speaking over the course of

nine months of pregnancy and around two years of amenorrhea (during which I

am working outside the home, my wife inside the home, educating and raising

our children, etc.) we are able to find time to come together intimately.

However, many other ways of coming together are found as well. Giving of

the gift of myself to change that poopie diaper in the middle of the night

or run to a restaurant to buy a cheese pizza in the middle of the night and

then sitting and talking while eating the pizza can bring together such

bonding above the waistline that it can improve the bonding below the

waistline. That is one area that I am trying to work on, it is one area

that we could all probably work on.

As to seeing honest congruity with using barrier methods to say no to

conception of life when the heart and mind of the couple is saying no to

another child I must say I too can see the congruity. Yes, congruity is

present between how your body is talking and with your intentions. You are

saying no children and you are acting as such. However, one important

reality is being missed and that is simply the reality of how God designed

the human body to work sexually and not how we want it to function. Our

desire to have sex and the fact that it can lead to the creation of a new,

unique and eternal human life is something that God placed in the act and

not us. If we respect the way God created the act with times of fertility

and infertility and we choose to use the attraction (deep desires) to bring

us pleasure but to mitigate the function of the act that is designed into it

we are not respecting God. Basically it would be like your boss giving you

a vehicle to use for work for specific purposes and with certain conditions

and then going and doing with it as you want to do outside of what your boss

allows and wants. When your boss finds out what you are doing there is a

good chance you won't have that perk and that job much longer.

I do agree that this type of behavior does not lead to relativism. I could

find no way that it does lead to anything resembling relativist thinking.

This behavior is the direct result of relativist thinking. As already

stated back at the beginning of this journey the separation and lack of

unity are clear signs that relativism and not a recognition of Truth has

occurred. As for leading to divorce I would agree that this behavior is not

a guarantee of divorce but is a pretty good indicator of increased

probability of divorce. It seems that sex is seen as the good in marriage

or the means to a good marriage in this line of reasoning. This makes it

the master of the marriage, sex is the determinant, the spouse is the object

through which the determinant is achieved. Now we have achieved spouse as

an object and not as a gift from God and from the other.

As to the reality of it being a mortal sin or not, I would wonder if the

Torode's would consider these things a sin at all? Do you not remember when

contraception was first allowed? I accept your right (under free will) to

disagree with the fact that it is a mortal sin just remember that if you are

wrong (yes, paschal's wager of sorts) you may well miss the boat if you use

these things and they turn out to be sinful. If you don't use them and they

aren't sinful you have committed no wrong but still get the joy of the

beatific vision.

Because of all this, we want to promote simply the concept of fertility

awareness (a la Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler). We have

hope that the science of fertility tracking can be improved in accuracy and

simplicity in the future, especially through ovulation-predicting technology

(like Ovacue). We still love the agrarian concept of " giving the land a

rest " as applied to a woman's body; cyclical periods of realistic abstinence

are great for deepening communication and creating a honeymoon effect. But

it's a theological attack on women to always require that abstinence during

the time of the wife's peak sexual desire (ovulation) for the entire

duration of her fertile life, except for the handful of times when she

conceives.

I do commend the yearning for growing understanding of the mystery of how

God designed us to function. Not for making things merely simple but

growing in awe of the wonder that God created. NFP is a relatively (in

terms of recorded history) understanding of God's gift of fertility. I do

find it odd that the Torode's are attracted to the concept of " giving the

land a rest " but seem to be moving in such a way that does not give the land

its natural rest but are working to justify sexual release at any time that

one desires. I do find it interesting that it appears to be a theological

attack on woman to deny relations during their peak time but not an attack

on the man. I imagine that many men share the reality of greater

satisfaction/bonding from relations that occur during the peak of a woman's

desire. I have doctor's make mention of things about this in relationship

to how oxytocin works to promote bonding at different times of the cycle,

something that will have to be delved into more deeply. It would appear to

be more an attack on God and the way he designed relations. For some

reason, the time of greatest desire, pleasure and bonding also happens to be

the time of greatest fertility. These deepest desires and physical

realities would seem to all coincide and with good reason. They are all

placed in humanity by God to work a certain way. Do we know better than

God? I certainly would hope that we would not presume to know better how to

function our bodies than the by the one who created us in His Image and His

likeness.

The motive behind Open Embrace was to help foster strong and joyful

marriages, and that's still our goal in writing this. We are still deeply

concerned about the Pill and hormonal contraceptives, both for their

abortifacient aspects and their effects on women's entire beings. We still

agree with everything we wrote about the goodness of sex, marriage, the

body, and the beauty of children. Thanks to those who were interested in the

book and asked for an update; hopefully this clarifies any confusion.

-Bethany and Sam Torode

To conclude at this point (it is late and I need sleep) is incomplete in

response but I must. I would conclude by asking everyone to examine closely

how they approach teaching about the hardships of NFP. I would also ask

everyone to please fall on their knees and pray to God with my family and I

for Bethany and Sam in this time of struggle for them. They have obviously

undergone some hardships in the past few years and I pray that they grow

together stronger, deeper in love and journey towards God. Together may we

all pass from the weight of the cross in this life to the glory of

resurrection in the next.

Under the Mercy,

Sauer

Ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God