A poem about my behavior

[Guest guest]

I hate myself so much

I feel like I want to die

I want to change

But I just don’t try

 

On a long trip home

I thought a bad thought

Of a bad thing I did in past

I bit my hand, making a bad sound

And kept doing it on the way

It angered my mother so much

That she expressed it physically and verbally

She was depressed about how I felt about it

And I acted like can’t stop thinking about

How I should have stopped that terrible sound

 

I know they are my feelings

But I still wonder why I keep doing it

Maybe it’s because the thought upset me so much

That I had to keep doing it

And even though I am ashamed of the past behavior

That I was thinking about

I just did another bad behavior

And didn’t seem to care

About what mom felt

 

I stayed up all night in bed

And bit and made that sound

I just kept on thinking the day in the car

One day when I bit my hand with that noise

She yelled at me and threatened

to take something away from me

If I made that sound as I bit

 

She said that I can bite my hand

Since it comforts me when I feel the need

But quietly in my room

But I just keep doing what I been doing

Biting in front of her and making the sound

In and outside of my room

 

I know better than that

I just don’t do it

I have self-control

I just don’t use it

Whenever I do it

I don’t think about trying to make the noise

 

If I keep acting this way in public

No one will like me, I will be hated

They will never think of me as a good person

And I will never have a good man love me

 

I know I can control my feelings

I know I can control my thoughts

But I just keep thinking them

And doing nothing to make myself happy

 

I pray to God to help those bad thoughts go away

To help me to stop thinking about bad thoughts

And to think about good thoughts

But I don’t help him and put any effort in it

I don’t know why I’m that way

I must take control

But right now:

 

I hate myself so much

I feel like I want to die

I want to change

But I just don’t try