Improve your relationship

[Guest guest]

The relationships we have with other people, we think are real, and they are in

a certain way, but they are projections of the first relationships we developed

within ourselves very early in life. Our external relationships and our internal

relationships are in fact the same relationships but all aspects of them are

mixed. Thats why they seem different we look at them through the lenses we

learned in society.

Let's consider why this is true. Where do all our relationships exist? They

exist in our thoughts. Our relationship with another person is whatever we

imagine it to be. Whether we love someone or hate someone, we are right.

Now the other person may have a completely different view of the relationship to

me, but my idea of what someone else thinks of me is also part of my thoughts.

So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and

what you believe she/he thinks of you. We can complicate it further by imagining

what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal

ideas and believes are all we have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your

thoughts, (yeah right!) you never have access to the objective viewpoint. You

are always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own

consciousness. The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being

objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity (and we

better leave that subject to the brave minds) that's because the act of

observation requires a conscious observer, which is always subjective! .

So If you are having relationship troubles... better watch out what are your

ideas around your other half.

At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly

accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships. You can never

escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. That would be like trying

to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes. That

doesn't stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain. If you fall into

the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are

external to you, you will be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality.

So the likely outcome is that you will frustrate yourself to no end when it

comes to human relationships. You will make relating to other people a lot

harder than it needs to be. Intuitively you may know something is off in your

approach to relationships, but you will remain stuck until you realize that

every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that

exists entirely within yourself.

Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you will

have a much easier time relating to people. It's easier to get where you want to

go when you have an accurate map. The subjective view of relationships implies

that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the

internal relationships within yourself. Furthermore, you can improve your

internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your

relationships with others. Ultimately it's all the same thing.

Here is a basic example of how this works:

Having a messy room is a habit for my son was a habit and being organized was a

concept forever alien to him.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always neat and tidy. Even as a

child, I took pride in keeping my room clean.So it probably comes as no surprise

that I often push my son to be neater and more organized.

If we try to look at this situation " objectively, " you might suggest solutions

like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, My son working on being

neater, or a mixture of both. Or you might conclude we are incompatible in this

area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict.

Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate

the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let's see what more subjective lens has to say now.

The idea is that my relationshiphs are purely within my own consciousness. So my

conflict with my son is just the projection of an internal conflict. Supposedly

my desire for him to be neater and more organized means that I really want to

improve in this area myself. Is that true? Yes, I have to admit that it is. When

I criticize him for not being neat enough, I am voicing my own desire to become

even more organized.

This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new

solution. In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own

standards for neatness and order. That's a very different solution than what we

get with the traditional thinking. To implement this solution, my son needn't

even be involved.

For a lot of people this solution seems rather foolish. If anything it will only

backfire. Wouldn't my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict

between me and him?

When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, my son

suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized himself. . She

hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more decluttering before

they came over. She bought new bedroom furniture for our children. She did a lot

of purging and donated many old items to charity. She began looking for a

housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced. And I really

wasn%uFFFD??t pushing her to do this. If anything she started pushing me a bit.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect

your internal ones:

Try this simple exercise:

Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people.

Now re-read that list as if it applies to you. If you are honest you will have

to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about

yourself.

For example, if you dislike Bush because you think he is a poor leader,

could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par? Then go to work on

your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current

skill level, and notice how Bush suddenly ...seems to be making dramatic

improvements in this area!

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints

about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you

still need to grow. That's why a fantastic way to accelerate your personal

growth is to build relationships with others. The more you interact with others,

the more you learn about yourself.

I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers

to unconditional love. , when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of

yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are.

The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs,

and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will

become. Hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you will see it

reflected