I give up.

July 11, 2002

Firstly, I find the style a bit difficult to navigate, but can

see I'm in the right place, cos of Dawn and Glitter being here. Used

to the one-forum style but I spose I'll get used to this one too

Anyway, in case you don't recognise my ID, its a/Peagee/Peas and

I'm just about fed up with everything and have got in more of a

muddle than know how to deal with.

Cold turkey is now 7 months and the only psych drug taken in this was

zopiclone (which was the only way I could sleep and have now been on

it for about a year). But the akathisia was causing so much

unbearable stuff and suicidal bits occasionally in it that a few

weeks ago I got given some diazepam. cos was still trying to work

out how to deal with this, mixed up generally and desperate as well.

Took the diazepam episodically and only when akathisia electrocution

got to the point of being dangerously suicidal. Managed to be too

late in waiting about 3/4 weeks ago cos I took a diazepam late

evening and waited, still felt electrified. So took a zopiclone,

waited, still felt electr. Lost head then and took a couple of

weeks' zopiclone and the rest (not many left) diazepam and ended up

in poisons unit again. A couple of days later psych gave me a week's

supply of dothiepin and more zopiclone. Didn't take the dothepin cos

didn't want to get back into the AD scenario, just wanted help with

the akathisia. (AKATHISIA - electical feel down spinal chord for

hours at a time in my case - started on the same day that the zaps

subsided and I preferred the zaps that at least had split-second

breaks between them).

In this confusion of what to take and how, I decided (LOL) that

zopiclone wasn't exactly a good idea and it was highly addictive and

I was hooked and damned if I was going to stay that way. So.... a

couple of weeks ago I decided to take the diazepam at night and keep

the last couple of zopiclone as a safety net in case I still couldn't

sleep. Noticed in the following week that using diazepam at night I

didn't get any akathisia during the day, and that I did get some

sleep. BUT.........

THEN I noticed (for the first time in the last 7 month) days WITHOUT

akathisia which normally alternated with days of ill-feeling fatigue,

instead, fatigue days alternated with clearly DEPRESSED days. This

was consistent for a week or so until someone upset me badly last

Wednesday (last week) and despite NOT having akathisia I took the

week's dothiepin (which Dinks was hiding for me, but I found them)

and the couple of zopiclone and ended up in the poisons unit again

(because dothiepin is toxic). Ie, on diazepam the akathisia went and

I got depressed, but likewise maybe it was withdrawal from

zopiclone??? Its all a bit confusing.

Spent 2 days in hospital and came home on Saturday. Had been given 4

days of zopiclone and on Saturday night took a zop and slept like a

log for a few hours, but got akathisia on Sunday. ie, zopiclone

doesn't help the akathisia LOL.

On Monday my counsellor visited (now apparently my social worker not

my counsellor) who is very understanding and said she had had a group

meeting with a PSYCHOLOGIST (not my psychiatrist) a few days earlier

and that he had suggested in a common-sense sort of way - " why don't

they treat the akathisia and the neuromuscular symptoms as a separate

issue as these are probably the most distinct of the withdrawal

symptoms at present " and suggested to my social worker procyclidine.

My social worker is not allowed to prescribe (nor is the

psychologist - I'm not his patient) meds so she had a chat to my

Psych and relayed what the psychologist had suggested. My psych

apparently was not convinced it would help the akathisia but it would

be worth trying for a couple of days at least to see if it helped or

hindered.

Tuesday I had an appointment with my Psych. She suggested treating

my " depression " and prescribed lofepramine. I didn't want to get the

others into trouble by pushing the akathisia-v-procylidine issue so

kept quiet and took the prescription. But I did ask whether it would

help the akathisia. SHE SAID...

" IF the akathisia is caused by serotonin, then lifting your mood will

help you cope with it better. IF its caused by depression then it

will go altogether on an antidepressant " . I have NEVER EVER had any

electrical feelings until the zaps and the akathisia started on the

afternoon of the same day that in the morning the zaps subsided. And

I thought she was beginning to understand that akathisia was part of

the withdrawal, but obviously she isn't. I just didn't want any more

aggrevation so just kept silent. I explained often enough before. IN

CASE it didn't work at my request she also gave me some diazepam.

SO.. Tuesday evening was getting wired again, just a bit. On and off

in that " oh no, is it coming or is it gonna leave " way. Didn't take

any diazepam - stuck it out and took a lofepramine (only 70 mg but am

supposed to double up on that next week and then she's going to put

it up again in 2 weeks). Within about half an hour I noticed that

the wired up was getting slightly worse. ie, the lofepramine was not

having a calming effect on the akathisia. So took a diazepam.

Yesterday I could hardly get out of bed in the morning, felt dizzy

and sick and heart racing and staggering around for the first few

hours in the morning.

Dinks said " stop taking them " . But if I don't at least try then

psych might get offhand and probably not even give me zopiclone or

diazepam and I'll be in deep trouble if I can't sleep one way or

another. So last night I took no diazepam - took the lofepramine and

started feeling a bit stressed. A while later took the zopiclone

which added at first to the stressed feeling before it eventually

worked. Zopiclone doesn't normally make me feel stressed. Today I

have a bad headache (worse than usual in withdrawal) and feel a bit

heart-racing and very slightly giddy.

I have no idea what to do. She told me that lofepramine has no side

effects other than dry mouth + constipation, and no significant

withdrawal. I stayed at Dink's yesterday (felt too ill to get up and

dressed), but came home today and looked it up. Don't understand

quite what it is. Seems it is part ssri, part other inhibitors

somehow, but there's too much confusing stuff out there. As paxil

did so much damage in the first place, if this is part ssri

(something to do with neurotransmittor uptake inhibiting???) this is

surely just going to make it worse?

Most of all I give up because after 7 months I thought she was taking

this withdrawal a bit more seriously. Now it seems its still DOWN TO

DEPRESSION. Or at least the suspicion is there. " IF the akathisia

is caused by... "

So, I suppose I need to keep taking this stuff till next appointment

and then explain I don't like it? And maybe bring up the procylidine

subject? And I have no idea why I've written all this, have to tell

someone and I can't tell her. And feel such a mess now. Which is

why I give up. Cos I don't know what else to do.

July 11, 2002